Still Alone and Fearing I Always Will Be

[clatan]

It's strange clatan. Most members that post a thread, show portions of themselves that give them personalities and emotions. What I get from you is a two-dimensional person who has massive walls of self-protection. Why is that?

 

What do you mean two dimensional? Massive walls of protection? Does that really mean anything or is it just psycho-babble? Sorry, I wrote an essay trying to give people as much as I could.

[Trialbyfire]

What do you mean two dimensional? Massive walls of protection? Does that really mean anything or is it just psycho-babble? Sorry, I wrote an essay trying to give people as much as I could.

I'm going to suggest you reread the entire thread, including and especially your responses. Do you notice any trend in the manner that you respond?

[clatan]

This is what I read in your initial post:

 

Don't get me wrong, I've dated about three dozen girls or so. But every one of them has lasted an average of two dates.

 

I didn't go through all the thread but I read your response to my post..and you said you had 3 dates in 8 years... sorry I'm confused.

 

Yes, I've had three dates with three different girls in the last eight years. But before the last eight years, I also dated a number of girls. That gives me a total of about three dozen girls I've dated when you add the last eight years and the girls I dated in the time before that.

[clatan]

I'm going to suggest you reread the entire thread, including and especially your responses. Do you notice any trend in the manner that you respond?

 

I'm just asking a question. What do you mean by two dimensional?

[Trialbyfire]

I'm just asking a question. What do you mean by two dimensional?

You don't feel like a real person to me. It's as if I see your picture but there isn't a person behind it.

[clatan]

You will have to give us some more info to really understand why you can't find someone to get close to.

 

Sure. What kind of info do you want?

[clatan]

You don't feel like a real person to me. It's as if I see your picture but there isn't a person behind it.

 

Okay... what can I do to put a person behind my picture for you? What is it you want to hear? I'm not trying to be evasive or sarcastic. I just don't have a clue as to what you're talking about. It's sounding like just a bunch of vague generalities when I read your replies. Can you be specific?

 

Do you want me to tell about some of the date I've been on, something about myself, my likes, my dislikes?

[Trialbyfire]

Okay... what can I do to put a person behind my picture for you? What is it you want to hear? I'm not trying to be evasive or sarcastic. I just don't have a clue as to what you're talking about. It's sounding like just a bunch of vague generalities when I read your replies. Can you be specific?

 

Do you want me to tell about some of the date I've been on, something about myself, my likes, my dislikes?

No, don't state anymore superficialities. Why not tell us how you honestly feel about your situation of never experiencing being in love. Look back at the girls you've dated, select the best three of them and tell us why it never worked, as in what was wrong with each girl or what happened that they didn't want to continue with you.

 

You must have deeper emotions than the stats you've given us. Does that make sense of what I'm looking for?

[clatan]

No, don't state anymore superficialities. Why not tell us how you honestly feel about your situation of never experiencing being in love. Look back at the girls you've dated, select the best three of them and tell us why it never worked, as in what was wrong with each girl or what happened that they didn't want to continue with you.

 

You must have deeper emotions than the stats you've given us. Does that make sense of what I'm looking for?

 

Okay thanks. Well, I may have to think about that. I don't know if there's really any that where better than the rest. I'll try though.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay thanks. Well, I may have to think about that. I don't know if there's really any that where better than the rest. I'll try though.

No probs. Pick any three if they're interchangeable, which in itself might be telling.

[johan]

I think you should explore this as much as you want here. But in the end you'll have found no answers to your problem on this forum. You'll only find your answers in real life, through action. Talking about this never helps at all. Because it's not something that can be figured out through reason. Put another way: whatever actions reason leads you to take, you would have taken already if you were capable.

 

I'm not trying to discourage you at all. Talk about it to your heart's content. But the real solution is exposing yourself (in a not-lewd kind of way) to as many women as possible. One or more of them will like you. Admittedly you won't know whether it's a true love connection or whether it's animal attraction due to the evidence about your genetic makeup and immune system compatibilities with hers she senses via pheromones. But you don't strike me as someone who would worry too much about that. And either way your loneliness will be fixed for some time.

 

Again: you would have been doing this if it was in your nature to do so.

 

And talking about it trying to figure out why women would pass up such a catch as you never accomplishes anything. All you're doing is repeating the same thought patterns in conversation that are already occurring in your head when you think about it on your own. No difference.

 

Good luck. Nice avatar, by the way. It supports your assertion that you are a catch.

[Yamaha]

Sure. What kind of info do you want?

 

I think you know more than you willing to reveal because you are evasive and you are sarcastic.

 

Were you attracted to these girls physically?

 

Did you enjoy their personalities? Did you find out things about them that would make you want to date them again?

 

Did they seem to like you?

 

Tell us what your ideal women would be like, physically and also her personality?

[clatan]

I think you know more than you willing to reveal because you are evasive and you are sarcastic.

 

Were you attracted to these girls physically?

 

Did you enjoy their personalities? Did you find out things about them that would make you want to date them again?

 

Did they seem to like you?

 

Tell us what your ideal women would be like, physically and also her personality?

 

I'm not being evasive or sarcastic. I just don't know what I'm supposed to reveal about myself without some idea of what it is you may want to know, so thanks for the questions. I'm more than happy to answer your questions, which I'll be doing in the coming posts.

[clatan]

I think you should explore this as much as you want here. But in the end you'll have found no answers to your problem on this forum. You'll only find your answers in real life, through action. Talking about this never helps at all. Because it's not something that can be figured out through reason. Put another way: whatever actions reason leads you to take, you would have taken already if you were capable.

 

I'm not trying to discourage you at all. Talk about it to your heart's content. But the real solution is exposing yourself (in a not-lewd kind of way) to as many women as possible. One or more of them will like you. Admittedly you won't know whether it's a true love connection or whether it's animal attraction due to the evidence about your genetic makeup and immune system compatibilities with hers she senses via pheromones. But you don't strike me as someone who would worry too much about that. And either way your loneliness will be fixed for some time.

 

Again: you would have been doing this if it was in your nature to do so.

 

And talking about it trying to figure out why women would pass up such a catch as you never accomplishes anything. All you're doing is repeating the same thought patterns in conversation that are already occurring in your head when you think about it on your own. No difference.

 

Good luck. Nice avatar, by the way. It supports your assertion that you are a catch.

 

You're probably right on in the above post Johan. But actually, I have been taking some action in real life though here lately. I guess I'll tell of that later. I think I'll at least try here a little before I give up on this site. Thanks for the reply again.

[Mary3]

It sounds like you are :

 

Emotionally Unavailable : Never having had a serious relationship ~likely due to the inability to share deep thoughts , trust and desire for a great companionship

 

Its is also likely ,since you have been alone so long ,that you have become eccentric and set in your ways . You go on a date or two but it never progresses any further because the girl likely feels you don't feel comfortable as you have little experience in the development of a relationship.

 

My advice is just as the previous poster said : Go out on MANY dates until your head spins and you become accustomed to women. Look at the date as no big deal , casual and be relaxed. If there is a great spark then PLEASE come back on here and I will be glad to tell you anything you want to know about what a woman means when she says or does something...

[Kamille]

I'm not sure I agree with the psychologizing that has been going on here. To me you just sound like a guy who really has it together - someone who manages to not need drama in his life in order to sound interesting.

 

But I do wonder why-how none of your dates ever progress past the first one. What happens then? You ask them out and they refuse?

 

I find it hard to believe that there are no single 30 years old wherever it is that you happen to live. I think the problem might be that you aren't looking for them in the right places. Single women in their 30s rarely show up at concerts and likely won't be invited over for dinner by your married friends. I wonder though, have you thought of asking your married friends to set you up?

 

I suggest you try and figure out where the young professional women hang out- you know, the kind who were so focussed on getting their career going while travelling the planet that they themselves never made finding a relationship a priority. Over in my town, a lot of them volunteer for immigration settlement services or in professional art associations. You might also want to chat up your professors and find out where they hang out in their spare time. Most academic networks I know are spilling over with hot single women in their 30s.

[Yosef]

I love how you gave your advice, Kamille, good for you.

 

People don't come here for advice only to hear that talking about it doesn't help. Then what's the point of this forum if noone can give decent advice other than just to "Do Something"? Ugh it makes me frustrated.

 

I wish you to keep looking for the girl of your wishes and never to pass up a chance that may turn out to be good.

 

After all, the girl of your dreams could run into you at any moment. I would just say to be prepared and put your faith in the facts that there IS someone out there for you, it just depends where the person may be lurking;)

 

Best of luck.

[Beauty28]

Sorry if I say the same thing someone else said. I didn't read all those post... too many! Anyhow, have you tried online dating. Tried thinking outside the box. My mom always told me that "Trash is easy to find." Maybe you should try some new things in your life. Go places you've never gone before. Try taking vaca's in other states. If it makes you feel any better I feel the same way sometimes. I don't think your cocky or anything. I just think you know what your worth and you know what you want and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm in the same boat as you. However I met this great guy but he lives in Miami. And I'm trying not to act desperate to be with him but I've been single for too long and I feel that I am a catch as well. Anyway.... Just make sure if you are going on dates.... that you aren't talking about yourself and make sure that you aren't telling the girl how great you are.... this is something that the girl should determine and girls hate that. Let the girl talk about herself. Anyhow.... I wish you luck and don't get down on yourself over this. Although I do believe that part of our happyness in our lives is enriched by the people that are in our lives but we also need to do things in our lives that have meaning. Try new things and I bet you'll met someone new and interesting.

[ftheunion]

Ya, I know how you feel. I loved and lost once at age 13, and that still gets to me. That's why they call it Missoura, cause ever since the 1800s, lonely or heartbroken guys lived out there. Sorry, but evolution isn't fair. It just gives all the girls to the hot/buff guy yankees, any any one who isn't popular dies alone.

[Yosef]

Ha, I live in the state of Missouri as well. Well, rather the state of Misery.

 

I can't believe that it's true. You're so right about the girls fall for the hot guys because image is so important. I despise image because it's too deceitful. I find that less attractive people are wiser than people that are attractive, because they havent been through the hardships that comes with being unpopular or cast aside.

[ftheunion]

Ya, those poeple with good lives and looks and popular and they got their christian religion, I call them yankees. Even though some of them types live over in the Dixie.

But I'm sure they are kinda good in the South.

 

They can never understand how we feel. Power to us! I am considering where to move next later on in like 5 or 6 years. Was thinkin about Missoura and those nice ozarks, but the South is too crowded I fear. I moved from CA to AZ to escape the crowds, and am thinkin NM will be less crowded than AZ.

[clatan]

Mary3, thanks so much for the post, and I really appreciate the offer at the end of advice.

 

PLEASE come back on here and I will be glad to tell you anything you want to know about what a woman means when she says or does something...

 

I actually have a case I would like to share with you. I may just place it in a post of its own. However, I think you're reading me wrong otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your post a lot. I just think, from reading some of your comments, possibly not having enough info to go on, you've gotten a totally incorrect image of what I'm like. I want to clear that up a little first.

 

Its likely, since you have been alone so long, that you have become eccentric and set in your ways. You go on a date or two but it never progresses any further because the girl likely feels you don't feel comfortable as you have little experience in the development of a relationship.

 

Set in my ways? If you mean I "don't like change" or new experiences -- not at all. If you mean I'm possibly the kind of guy that's not going to let some woman step in and make choices for me and run my life, then you're definitely right.

 

My advice is just as the previous poster said : Go out on MANY dates until your head spins and you become accustomed to women. Look at the date as no big deal , casual and be relaxed.

 

This doesn't sound like me at all. I'm plenty accustomed to women. In any social situation, I tend to gravitate towards and hang out with the women. I'm the guy that, as a kid, would set around talking to the grandma and aunts in the kitchen while the men watched TV in the living room. As an adult, I also tend to be the guy that hangs around talking to the wives and girlfriends when at a barbeque. At my little plays I do every year, I tend to chat with the girls a lot more than the guys at practices. You make it sound like I'm some extremely shy, reserved, nervous, awkward guy around women. I don't think I'm that way at all and I really don't think anyone that knows me would describe me that way.

 

It sounds like you are: Emotionally Unavailable : Never having had a serious relationship ~likely due to the inability to share deep thoughts , trust and desire for a great companionship.

 

I have a strong desire for great companionship, that's why I posted this thread. I have no problem sharing deep thoughts. I'm not sure what you're getting at here for sure, but I'd actually say that's more of a problem of the women I've dated. I love deep/meaningful/interesting conversations, but most women I've dated seem to want to talk about meaningless nonsense.

[clatan]

I'm not sure I agree with the psychologizing that has been going on here. To me you just sound like a guy who really has it together - someone who manages to not need drama in his life in order to sound interesting.

 

Thanks Kamille. I really liked reading your post. I think you're understanding me pretty well and what I'm saying here.

 

I find it hard to believe that there are no single 30 years old wherever it is that you happen to live. I think the problem might be that you aren't looking for them in the right places. Single women in their 30s rarely show up at concerts

 

I think you understand me the best of anyone here Kamille. I just don't think you understand what it's like where I live! Let me tell you about it.

 

You must live in an area that's totally different than where I'm at. I live in a rural area in northern Missouri. Trust me, single women over 25 are virtually nonexistant around here, unless you count single women with two or three kids, but even those aren't very plentiful. I'll put it this way... I honestly can't name one single childless woman within ten years of my age that lives around here. Around here, being 19 or 20 is no absolute guarantee they don't have kids either.

 

I suggest you try and figure out where the young professional women hang out-

 

I have, at least 100 miles from my town! There are definitely no "professional women" around here. Smart ambitious women tend to leave here as soon as they graduate high school. There are no "hangouts" around here. I've lived here nearly eight years and if there was a place to meet women, I'd be there. Not that bars are the best place, but there's not even a bar or club in this town or any nearby towns, unless you count dinky little tavern/dive type places. There are some women in these places once in a while, but I'm into women without dozens of tatoos and I like them with a fairly full set of teeth.

 

That's okay. This is all probably beside the point anyway. I enrolled in college in Saint Joseph, Missouri, about 90 to 100 miles west of me. I'm moving my stuff to my new apartment there tomorrow.

 

As far as the age thing though... Don't get me wrong, I don't mind dating younger girls at all. You mentioned that women in their thirties rarely show up at concerts. I'm into music and I love concerts. That's kind of why all the women I ever meet are college-aged. I think I may even have better luck and a better time with younger women.

 

As far as your question about what happens when I go out on a date Kamille, I'll answer that in a coming post.

[clatan]

Have you tried online dating?

 

Online dating just doesn't sound good. Call me a romantic, but I just can't see it. I just can't picture meeting the ideal girl on a web site. Regardlessly, I don't say that because I've never tried it. I've tried a bunch actually.

 

The biggest strike against dating online for me is that the women never write back. Out of every fifty emails I write, I might get one response. Then it's usually two or three usually incoherant sentences. I keep trying though. I write a long email and then get another three or four sentences. It's like we're such a dumbed down society that some people must have a real problem communicating through writing? Most women I've written are unable to put a coherant sentence together. Usually, with each response, there's a volley of two or three emails, then they stop responding. I guess I'm not interesting enough to them because I don't want to talk about tats and piercings ad nauseum.

 

I've read thousands of profiles. There's plenty of attractive women, but I can't say I've ever seen many that seemed interesting or had much in common with me. I still gave it the benefit of the doubt and tried many times though.

 

Of course, once in a great while a woman will initiate first contact and write me, but every one of them has been an overweight woman in her 30s or 40s with kids, who sound really dull... just wanting a rebound marriage.

 

It's just more of the same, only it's online. I have managed to date a few girls I met online and it didn't go well at all. The worst thing about online dating is that it's a waste of time and money. You have to pay around 20 bucks a month to go through this nonsense.

[clatan]

Anyway.... Just make sure if you are going on dates.... that you aren't talking about yourself and make sure that you aren't telling the girl how great you are.... this is something that the girl should determine and girls hate that. Let the girl talk about herself.

 

That's not me at all. I'm not one of those guys that talks about himself. Actually, I thnk I should probably talk about myself more if anything.

 

As an example, I did a talent contest a month ago. Mary, this awesome girl singer from my plays, and I sang as a duet again. Afterwards, Mica, a girl from my music appreciation class came up and said hi. She asked how come I didn't tell her I sang. I said that I did tell her in class. She said "Yeah, but you just said I sing a little, like it was no big deal. You never told us you were this good." I asked her "So maybe I should be more bragadocous?" She said "Yes, you should."

 

That's coming from a girl, so I don't think I'm the bragger type that just talks about himself. I always chat girls up because I want to know more about them too.