Lost and , 1/2 sister / 1/2 brother affair?

[cj1988]

This is my first time on this site. I have read several posts and you all seem to be concerned and honest. I have been going through something that I have not see so far on this site (embarassing), so do not be shocked. A little over 4 years ago I located my husbands father side of the family. He grew up with a sister and brother (mothers side) and now has 2 more sisters and another brother. Since 2002 we saw them maybe 4 times a year. Last June one of his sisters started coming to our lake house a lot. My husband is really sensitive and loving and when we got together over 12 years he was so looking for someone to love him and fell madly in love with me. We had our ups and downs, but finally made it through it and got married July of last year. He and his sister started talking on the phone alot in July and by November they were talking all day (8-10) times a day (32 hours a month), spending a lot of time together I was not around and did not know. He started lieing to me about going to see her and said he was hanging out with his brother (lived next door to her) everytime she was around they were like magnets. In August I woke up around 2AM and found them under the dock, drunk and they said they were talking. They did that a lot, went swimming late when everyone else even her husband was a sleep. Sometime in October I could see him acting weird towards me, cold even. Claims I was jealous of her and I had issues. November I found Stamax in his truck and he said he had taken it for energy??? He would leave the house to call her when they were not together. Finally in December our machine caught them on tape talking very emotionally to each other, "I love you so much baby" he called her his "sweet sweet baby". They were even talking ugly about me, not like him at all. He stopped calling me and if I called him he would talk to me 2 minutes hang up and call her. So, I accused them of having a GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) affair. Then 2 weeks after that he said he wanted a divorce because I was crazy and it was all my fault and he could not believe I did that (accusation of that magnitude)...he still called her all the time ( she backed off ), did not speak to me for 4 months, told me he was no longer in love with me, and the worst no longer attracted to me ( I am an attractive woman, she is not ) the way he was until her. This is a man that loved me,my body and could not get enough of me in everyway for 11 years. I cried all the time, begged for forgiveness (feel liek a fool now) etc...he finally started coming back around in April and we are trying to reconcile. The problem is he is not the same. It is like his passion and desire is gone. He still calls her everday, says "that is my sister and you cannot ask me not to talk to her" does not call me. We do have sex, but not as much. I am so scared that he is lying to me (he has to, no one wants to admit incest) and he loves her but will not leave because it can never be and I am second choice now...our friends that were around us at the lake house all summer finally told me they thought something was odd with them as well. They acted like teenagers in love. Maybe it was emotional and not physical (hard to believe with him, he is very effectionate and shows his love that way) he is not a flirt and I know he has never cheated before. Everyone knows how much he has always loved me and like me want to believe he would not be capable of something so wrong. He is not ugly to me now (was for months) has cut the talking down, but still seems weird. He tells me to relax and just love him nothing is wrong and to let things happen again, do not force them, and he loves me very much, but he is totally not him. I can feel it. Why does he still call her (he called me 3 times a day for 11 years, then started calling her)? I want to believer him, but so many things tell me something happened and they will never be able to tell me or her husband. I am hoping and praying that she is just the lost member of the family he has longed for and she is filling the void he had all his life not knowing his dad etc.....I pray she is not replacing me emotionally or in anyway. I know this all sonuds crazy and Springer like, but it is my life now and I am upset all the time. I love him and want to make it go away, but do not know how. If he were guilty, how would it show? Remorse, he has none, trying to be extra nice, he does not do that either. It is like he is there and happy sometimes ,but most of the time he is JUST THERE. Tells me I analyse it all too much and need to chill out. His latest comment when he was up tight and I was trying to help was " I feel like my hands are tied and I am tired of it" the next day I asked what that meant and he said stop doing that, just relax...it is about US, my job (he hates it now, been there 19 years) just stress right now...so you can see why I am paranoid.....I just want peace, but cannot not knowing and having to see her the rest of my life (by the way, she does not come down anymore and we rarely see them, strange to you?) Can anyone help me without being mean? I am on the edge and am really trying to save my marriage, YES I am seeing a therapist and we are going to go soon !

[cj1988]

:(Come on you guys someone answer ! Please........guys is he lying or what?

[sb129]

Its a little hard to read your post, so much information to process.

 

Do you and your H live together? Did he move out?

 

Why would he stop calling you? If you lived together wouldn't you see him every day anyway?

 

How does the sister act towards you? Is she is 1/2 sister? Is she married?

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't know if he is lying. I would be very uncomfortable with this situation, too.

 

It's hard to put myself in your place because this is not your run-of-the-mill, happens all the time, problem.

 

The phone conversation you overheard on the answering machine is too creepy for me to ignore and their actions as described in your post are beyond what I would consider normal for a reunion of this type. I can understand his needing to connect with newfound siblings, but these two seemed abnormally obsessed with one another.

 

I honestly don't know what I would do in your place, but my gut tells me I would never be comfortable with their relationship, even if it has cooled down considerably. I think I would have left the relationship and not looked back, not that doing so would be easy or wouldn't involve pain.

 

I'm sorry I can't help you. I would prefer to make you feel better and give you hope, but this is how I feel about it.

[cj1988]

Thank you both for the reply. I know and I am sorry it was long, it is really screwed up. No, he never moved out he just stayed away until late, came home and went to bed every night, weekends he stayed with his brother who lives next door to her. Did not speak to me at all, ignored the boys (teenagers) and avoided any conversation at all. When he would drink he would cry and get very upset and tell me how hurt he was by me and how could you do this etc. He said that I took away everything he ever believed in regarding love and marriage BUT trust me the conversation I over heard was strange and heart breaking. He admits it probably sounded weird but says he loves her very much and they have a bond and connection he cannot explain himself. He has 12 pics of her in his car (one in a bikini when she was 20, she is now 40), none of me. He was more interested in us going to her place for months instead of taking me out as I begged him to do for months. Finally, the most jealous man in world was no longer jealous. I could come and go IF I wanted to and he was ok, not normal for him. He told me in February I was FREE go do what I wanted to.and be with who I wanted to be with...I was devastated he could say this knowing I was losing it, dropped 20 pounds (I am already skinny enough)..Valentines day he calls her 8 times, me zero. Our first wedding anniversary last month I did not get a card or anything (he use to brig me flowers and cards for years for no reason). Like I said we are still together, but he still calls her everyday, not me and said we see each other everyday....but he stopped when he started calling her instead and is not as insterested in us as he was in the past. I know he loves me and he really is a good man, but I do not know what to believe and am not allowed to bring it up or he will leave. I am only here because I love him and what if I was wrong? What if he is innocent, I will never know, but thinking about it makes me sick. It is his 1/2 sister, same dad!

[dropdeadlegs]

Even if there is a whole lot of information you are leaving out (each side to every story varies widely, I'm not implying anything personally) this bond they share doesn't appear even marginally normal. From what you have posted he has never been THIS obsessive even with YOU.

 

That aside, you have made it clear that this BOTHERS you, and he hasn't done much to alleviate your concerns. Even if it's all innocent, you are not crazy to be freaked out, and your husband, your significant other of MANY years, doesn't care that you are freaked out. That's no basis for an ongoing relationship.

 

Any sudden change in behavior and an unwillingness to even see that it is detrimentally affecting your spouse, is a cause for concern.

 

I'm sorry you haven't gotten much feedback, but I think if others chime in, they will be as disturbed by this as you and I are.

 

I understand you have a lot invested, that your heart is breaking, and that you love this man, but if he will not change in a significant way, how long do you think you can endure this? How long can your family endure?

 

I still wish I could find a silver lining here somewhere. Maybe someone else can. I hate being so negative, and I'm all for counseling, but I'm also all for not suffering any longer than necessary.

[Cobra_X30]

Wow! That is messed up! Sounds like a mid-life crisis gone bezerk.

 

Serioulsy I'd throw in the towel! Find a man that isnt crazy!

[In Like Flynn]

The real question is after what happened and how he has and is still treating you.....you still are taking this emotional abuse. He is not going to admit to anything. But he continues to treat you as a piece of furniture and his sister as well.....fill in the blank. You ultimately get what you settle for. If you don't stand up for yourself this will be your life.

[orleannaprice]

If you want to know what's going on with him, you'll need to stop all the questioning and pretend it doesn't bother you. Let him get comfortable with you again. Then, start investigating him. Check his computer, cell, and vehicle. Follow him for awhile. Eavesdrop on his interactions with her. From what you have said, he's emotionally removed from you and invested himself to her.

 

Whether they have had sex or not is another issue. The product you mention finding would indicate he may be using it to have sex with her. Alarming, but true. Remember when you first started a sexual relationship? You wanted to have sex all the time. Well, in order for him to be able to perform as he desires, he may need the help of that product. I would not rest until I knew his actions and intentions. I would also be ready for the worst possible scenario.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's not your fault. You cannot control his actions. You can only control how you respond.

[whichwayisup]

They are related by blood? And they've had sex...That's just wrong wrong wrong.

 

Whatever it is that is going on isn't going to stop. His actions show this and the way he puts her first shows this as well. He is obsessed with her and it's very unhealthy.

 

And, you say he isn't jealous anymore, like almost he wants you to go 'meet' someone so he can have an excuse to end it...I dunno, or it's so he can justify what he is doing.

 

Maybe a trial separation is in order! Just don't know how long you can live like this, put up with it all in your life.

[norajane]

She is not the long lost member of the family he has been longing for...

 

now has 2 more sisters and another brother.

 

...because he does not have this kind of relationship with his new brother and other new sister. There's a lot more going on here, and you know it, no matter how much he denies it.

 

Don't be in denial - face the truth and get out of the picture. He's lying to you.

 

 

I had to google Sta-Max. It's supposedly a sexual stimulant, erection pill. The only 'energy' he's taking it for is for his sexual energy.

 

"Sta-Max™ is a revolutionary non-prescription male sexual stimulant that promotes healthy sexual function and enhanced physical aspects of sexual performance. Unlike other male sexual stimulant products requiring daily use, Sta-Max™ is a convenient romantic lifestyle enhancement requiring only 1 to 2 tablets one hour before sexual activity."

[sweetbutcheeky]

Can anyone help me without being mean? I am on the edge and am really trying to save my marriage, YES I am seeing a therapist and we are going to go soon !

 

Counseling was my only idea. Hopefully there he can be 100% honest about what is going on.

 

You may need her to come as well, but I doubt he will want that to happen and doubt she will.

 

Though if it were me I could feel or act the same way towards him after the behavior (being his sister or not, though it being his half sister just makes it worse and more complicated).

[cj1988]

I want to thank you all for you kind words. If strangers can do this for me you would think my husband could, yes? Anyway, more to the story. I sent him a text yesterday and it was very direct and sexual, in other words talking about what I want to do to him that MOST men would love to hear from their wives.....came home and as usual he is asleep or watching TV....asked if he got the text he said "NO" being a smart butt I said yes you did laughing while rubbing his leg "did it make you smile or get a hard on"...he tells me " I got it when I was on top of a ladder as usual in the middle of something, you know I do not sit at a desk all day like you" Like it bothered him or turned him off instead of on? That is what I get Monday through Thursday. He acts like he hates his life when we are at our regular home, but on Friday when it is time to go to the lake house and party all weekend, he is more affectionate and wants to excuse me "screw my brains out" and act like the OLD him, sweet and fun.

 

He knew he hurt my feelings without me saying a word and still came to bed and did not touch me at all. It obvious his heart is not in it 4 out of 7 days a week. I know we are stressed, money, dead in job he has dedicated his life to for 19 years ( he really hates it ) but damn ! I do not like working either but I do not come home that way.

 

Something that you need to know about me. We split before we were married summer of 2002 and I slept with someoene else ( he left me so why be mad ) and he has never gotten over it. Everyone tells him we were on a break and he called someone but never met her, but that is ok.

 

Many years when he wanted me I was too tired a lot or told him to go to sleep ( he gripped but never through a fit ) and I know that is part of why he doing this, not revenge, he thinks I am trying to prove a point now and be how he was, so he just ignores it. So immature. He told me last weekend that 11 years has been him giving to me and everything has always been about me, so I guess that tells me anything I want he is not going to give. He told me that after therapy when I find myself and this is not the life I want he would understand if I needed to change it. I said thanks that is nice and encouraging, does that bother you, he said, it scares me to death. But I want you to be happy or we will never be happy. I said the OLD you would have never been able to live with me leaving you ( he was obessed with me for years, now nothing, but says he loves me or he would not be there) He said he has nothing to lose by staying and nothing to gain by leaving.....I hate his confusing comments and he never explains them when I ask....

 

Another conversation he said he felt his hands were tied, when I asked what that meant he said it was about US, his job, money everything, but not to analyse it and drop it. I think he may be depressed and has been all his life and is scared to get close to me again. He tells me to relax and let it all happen and to quit forcing it to happen.

 

He is a very private man does not tell all like me, so he may be right. He said when are we going to be a normal married couple? Why do you have to make everything so complicated? Why cant you just love me, I ask nothing from you but that? Yes, I am high strung and he liked that about me forever. He loves that man stare at me (I am 41, but hear I look 30, thank GOD) he is jealous again to certain extent and is not going around his family or her like he was this time last year. She is horrible for messing with him the way she did...I told her over and over again, his heart is not like a normal man and I can still tell you it is not. She has screwed with his head more than I ever did...HIS SISTER ! He is a sweet BIG hearted loving man that I think is now lost in a web of confusion and lies. I thought when people cheat they feel guilt and act more concerned, not less. Maybe he wants out and cannot because he loves me but not in love with me as he tells me and himself. I need to wake him up some how but do not want to play games, I do not like that at all.

 

For the men, how can a man NOT be excited when their partner tells them they want to give them a BJ and cannot wait to see them? That is not normal is it?

[cj1988]

Thanks everyone, gald to get this off my chest with you all, he will not talk about it at all. I guess only time will tell what we should do, I want my marriage, hopefully he will wake up before it is too late.....

[Cobra_X30]

Many years when he wanted me I was too tired a lot or told him to go to sleep ( he gripped but never through a fit ) and I know that is part of why he doing this, not revenge, he thinks I am trying to prove a point now and be how he was, so he just ignores it.

 

For the men, how can a man NOT be excited when their partner tells them they want to give them a BJ and cannot wait to see them? That is not normal is it?

 

Ah... well your dealing with some backlash issues.

 

First, when guys face constant rejection... they eventually become uninterested in sex. Ive seen so many posts by women here who all say the same thing... I rejected my husband for years... now he doesnt want me. I dont know how to fix it... maybe if you have an honest conversation about it... apologize and such.

 

Most guys would rather be with a girl that looks like Shrek and meets thier physical needs consistently, than a supermodel they cant touch. So I dont think your looks have anything to do with the situation at hand!

 

Oh, and even though you two were separated... he is still going to feel like you cheated on him. Doesnt matter if that is the case or not... its how he feels.

 

Do you feel like you want to save your marriage?

[cj1988]

Thanks Cobra, YES I want to save my marriage. Do you know how to help? I tell him all the time how bad I feel about the one time over 5 years ago and how much I love him. I have been apoogizing since the day he found out over 5 years ago.....he cannot get past it.....as far as the sex, this is what he wanted, ME ALL OVER HIM, loving it ! Now, I am lucky to get it on the weekend and during the week nothing, no affection at all. My friends that know us well, say give it time, be patient...WHY ME, I was not the one talking and acting like an idiot with my FAMILY member, yes I am angry but he does not see that side !

[whichwayisup]

I think this is all going to come down to how much crap you can handle, served on a plate by him. The more you allow his behaviour to continue, and him spending more and more time with his 1/2 sister - The unhappier you're going to be.

 

HE has to want things to get better and honestly, the way he is right now, I can't see that happening because on some level now he has TWO women meeting all his needs, can't live without either of you. His 1/2 sis adores him, they've fooled around, and then he has his house, his life with you...

 

The ball is in your court actually...Question is, what do YOU want to do about it? Go to marriage counselling? If he says no, things are fine...What then? Cuz things ain't fine!

[cj1988]

Thanks WHICHWAY, but he does not see her at all anymore, he just calls her at break and talks for up to 10 minutes if she answers at all. So, now it is just US. That is why I think he is miserable, I won be default, how degrating is that and I am STILL AROUND fighting for my marriage. People that care for us both tell me to leave, I am gorgeous, sweet, funny and have a FUN personality and I am wasting it on him now. These are the same people that know how much he did love me for years and are stunned at his behaviour now and can see the change....they are worried about me not him, they saw how the sister and he acted around ME ! I feel like a fool and do not know how to walk away ! HELP me someone !

[annabelle75]

Sounds like he has already checked out of the realtionship to a certain extent. He is unhappy with his life and has just sort of shut down towards you. It sounds as if his sister was fullfiling some sort of emotional and/or physical need for companionship and now that she is out of the picture he is withdrawing even more.

 

This may be hard to hear but .... its time to stop thinking about him and how breaking up would affect him. You need to make choices for yourself and your happiness. No one should have to live with what you have put up with. Have you conisdered a trial seperation? It may help you sort things out a bit if you have some time off to yourself to test the waters of being without him and it will show him that his behavior is unacceptable and everyhting isn't FINE.

 

This is just one sad messed up situation. Wish we could be of more help.

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks WHICHWAY, but he does not see her at all anymore, he just calls her at break and talks for up to 10 minutes if she answers at all. So, now it is just US. That is why I think he is miserable, I won be default, how degrating is that and I am STILL AROUND fighting for my marriage. People that care for us both tell me to leave, I am gorgeous, sweet, funny and have a FUN personality and I am wasting it on him now. These are the same people that know how much he did love me for years and are stunned at his behaviour now and can see the change....they are worried about me not him, they saw how the sister and he acted around ME ! I feel like a fool and do not know how to walk away ! HELP me someone !

 

I'm telling you that all those years of rejection dont just wash away in one minute... it sounds like he was ready to broom you at one point. It doesnt matter how attractive you are... he's been hurt bad enough I dont think he can see that anymore.

 

Are you a better person than he is? Do you deserve to be happy and with someone who is happy?

[cj1988]

Thanks Cobra,I do know he is hurt, trust me he reminds me all the time and I am sure something that deep dos not just go away......he has not always been there for me either, so yes I do deserve to be happy and so does he....we made a lot of mistakes, BOTH of us and now is the time to see if we have enough left inside to make it. He is a very codependant person and from what I here he probably just needs to be loved and I am not the one to do that no matter how hard I try and that is sad. I know in my heart that he loves or I would just leave and let it go, but living this way is no good for either one of us. I just wished we could talk about US, he does not ever want to do that. Forgot to mention he drinks and has a drug addiction. I am sure that has a lot to do with his moods.

[Cobra_X30]

Lordy, a drug addiction? Is that a recent development or has it been long term?

 

I cant make this determination for you... but it really doesnt sound like your going to be able to get this to work.

 

You do deserve to be happy! So does he, but you may not be able to do that together. If he really and truely loved you, I dont think you would get this kind of treatment from him.

 

His drug issue is very serious! Do you also have a similar problem?

[cj1988]

He has been doing it since he was 15 years old. No heavy stiff, just the normal pothead. He does hold down a job, been there 19 years. NO, I drink at our lake house on the weekend and that is it NO drugs for me thank you. I believe that he loves me, but NOT in love with me like he was before or at all any longer. I do not hate him for falling for her IF that in fact is what is wrong with him. Granted it is nasty and gross, BUT you cannot help who you love even if it is WRONG. The part that I do not like is that if that is true, WHY stay with me and put me through the hell because you are not happy with yourself. Leave and be un happy on your own, I did not create this mess and it has nothing to do with me in the first place. He obviously has issues. So, although I DO NOT want to walk out, I may have to be the one to do it......I really HATE that it makes my heart very sad and I want to puke when I think about it........Like I said it is a nightmare that he nor I saw coming....I pray he gets help one day !

[Cobra_X30]

Well, I'd say you built this mess together, and your going to have to work together to fix it! If you want it fixed!

 

Pot and alcohol both take thier toll after time. Like blurring your perception of reality... this whole sister affair is a perfect example.

 

I'd

[cj1988]

Thanks Cobra, I agree we are married, it is OUR mess, and I would be glad to take responsibility for what part I have to play. The problem is that he the most stubborn, always right kind of person you can imagine. His own 15 year old cannot stand to talk to him because he knows what wwill happen, he is right you are wrong. That is something the sister has never encountered with him, she sees the loving sweet attentive man that I knew. Not the loud, cussing know it all we all know. She saw a little recently when he was drunk and he saw that she was not as innocent as she seemed to be either.....so that will burn out soon anyway. She is not the problem, it is HIM and US. I can only sit there so many times biting my tongue while he takes his frustrations out on me......I love him and want him to be happy again. Does anyone have any secrets? I have tried the sexy talk, text, clothes.......not what he needs.....it is deeper than that for him, how do I get to his heart before he loses it all?