whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 Ask him to get checked for STD's because if they did sleep together..... Also, he is aware that I do not like the daily communication between them and if that continues I will be gone as well Hate to tell ya this, but if he is/was used to talking to her daily, or many time a day, the chances are still there that they still talk... The tape is your proof that 'something' physical happened. Maybe not FULL on sex, but they DID more than likely fool around ..... People don't act like they did and NOT have ANY touching. Sorry, it's not sitting well here....Red flags! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 5, 2007 Author Share Posted September 5, 2007 I agree fully. That is what I think as well and if the tape was so innocent then why did he mad for months if I threaten to let her husband hear it? He is back to his normal sweet self now. Calling me, opens doors etc. He has not called her in over 9 days now, strange huh? She called him once on Wednesday about the other sis car wreck, but only talked 4 minutes. That to me may be a confirmation in itself. Maybe he has realized it was one sided and she cared nothing about him like did her because he has always been the agressor in this situation. He called her the 85% of the time and she called him back if she ever called. Sad, but I feel sorry for him in a way because I know his heart and I am sure it is broke and that bothers me, that is who I am....sick huh? He is a good man and lost his way, she is a monster that took a weak man and used it to her advantage and I hope she feels like s---- the rest of her life, as I do him. Yes, I hope my H does pay the price and guilt eats him alive and it will becasuse they can never come clean and wash it away. That is what they get ! A life long shame and secrect that willl take away from themselves in way or another. I now have chosen to stay, so I have to pay my own price and let it go.....easier said than done. No one is perfect and I am not here to judge anyone, I will leave that to a higher power. What goes around comes around and HE knows that ! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 I . Sad, but I feel sorry for him in a way because I know his heart and I am sure it is broke and that bothers me, that is who I am....sick huh? He is a good man and lost his way, she is a monster that took a weak man and used it to her advantage and I hope she feels like s---- the rest of her life, as I do him. Yes, I hope my H does pay the price and guilt eats him alive It's not healthy to look down on your H like this. This will lead to many bad things in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Maybe he has realized it was one sided and she cared nothing about him like did her because he has always been the agressor in this situation. He called her the 85% of the time and she called him back if she ever called But, from what you said in your other posts - and they pet loving names they had for eachother - It wasn't ONE SIDED. Sorry, but each of them are at fault for this, neither of them are the victim. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Share Posted September 10, 2007 That is correct, they are not the victim's at all in this whole mess, I was but not anymore. I have learned over the months, you are only a victim if you ALLOW yourself to be one. I felt sorry for myself for way too long. Cobra, to comment back regarding how you think I feel about my H you are somewhat right, but it is not in the way you think. I love him and care for him very much, but he is a weak man inside. His own mother will tell you I have been his strength for years and that is not a good thing to me. He has had such a loss or hole in his life in regards to "belonging: somewhere and I guess he thought I could feel that gap. Well, it did not work out like that, I can be the missing "love, lover" in his life, but I cannot make up for the missing "blood" family. He is 1 of 6 kids. He grew up with 2 siblings, male and female (they had a different father, he found this out at 18) and then he met the other 3 in 2002 when I found them, 2 sister and a brother and the long lost father. When he locatd his dad when he was 18 he set up a meeting, the dad never showed up, he was crushed. I found them again and called and now he still does not really talk to his dad that much at all. I thought the reuinion was more about the father, but he is close to the one sister, or was. For the last 2 weeks he has not called her at all. She has called him twice, I was there and that is it. Last year we spent a lot of time around them, kids games etc....now he does not want to go and has not seen her or the others for months now. He and I had a great weekend together and he is back to his sweet fun loving self. Calling me Baby and telling me how much he loves me, seems very happy. We do not fight.....my problem now is that it is still on my mind and I know that I have to let it go.....I chose to make this work and I have to try and believe him, it is just hard. I pray a lot and try to keep it off my mind, easier said than done, we all know that ! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 10, 2007 Share Posted September 10, 2007 CJ, I'm saying that you need to pay attention to the difference between empathy and sympathy. I know you just want to forget, but that wont fix the problem long term. You need to find a way to forgive, and that is the part which is easier said than done! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Share Posted September 10, 2007 What I was saying is that I felt sorry for him that he got into this mess and was hurt yet again by someone close to his heart. We split up in 2002 for 4 months, I slept with someone he found out and it crushed him, WE WERE NOT MARRIED. He never got over someone else touching me and that really crushed him. Now, he put his heart into yet someone else, long lost family member this time and again is lied to and crushed. That is why I said I felt bad for him. He is a sweet man that just wants and needs to be loved and cannot seem to find it without a mess. I do love him very much and make sure he knows that everyday. He seems to be happier than I have seen him in 13 years now....I just have to forgive as you said, do not know how.....my mind races too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 10, 2007 Share Posted September 10, 2007 I'm sure he struggles with the same feelings of forgiveness... because married, seperated, dating... it's all the same to most guys when someone you have feelings for sleeps with another man. I understand where you are coming from though. It's a tough road, never easy... Do you think its worth it? Do you ever feel like you deserve someone better? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 10, 2007 Share Posted September 10, 2007 I recently connected with my half siblings. Two are men and three are women. We talk about every 2 months or so. My brother who I grew up with, both of us have the same parents, are very close but only talk once a week. I think your husbands behavior with his half sister is very suspect. It's almost impossible that they would be that close with each other doing the things and saying the things they say to each other so soon. If they are looking for a brother-sister relationship this is certainly not it. No one acts that way with their sister. If your gut was telling you something is wrong and you lost 20 pounds over it. Listen. I think what your husband meant by "my hands are tied" meant he is in a dead end job, in debt, no money to move on. I don't think you should keep blaming the sister for your husband's behavior. He is a lot stronger than you give him credit for. Afterall, he was strong enough to give you the cold treatment while pursuing his sister's affection. He did what he wanted to do. He knew how much it was hurting you but he continued with his intimate relationship with her. Whether biological siblings or not, they are strangers and if she was causing trouble in your marriage he should have backed a way from her or put her in her place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Share Posted September 10, 2007 Stillafool, trust me I do believe something was going on and you are right he knew what he was doing when he treated me terrible for months and continued his "emotional" relationship with her. Too me, it was pay back in his eyes because he felt like I was to blame for this, meaning this would have never happened if I would have slept with him more, or loved him more or never slept with another when we were broke up. I am NOT making excuses for his bizarre behavior with his sister....I am just trying to understand how 2 poeple can do that. My therapist said they may not have seen each other as brother and sister after they started talking everyday and then the feelings grew and the "forbidden" love of the heart convinced them both they were in love, wehn it was actually just GSA (genetic sexual attractin). I printed the article about GSA and gave it to my H back in March, he told I was nuts and to never put something like that BS in his automobile again. He said you still beleve I splept with her and as long as you do, we can never remian together. He said I love her, but NOT the way I love you. I will not be with someone that could think I would commit incest. I told him that incest if CRAZY, he said it is nasty and wrong, but not crazy. I just find it strange he all the sudden quit calling her everyday and does not care so much about her now. Maybe the newness is wearing off as I knew it would or he has figured her out and she is not the Angel he thought she was..... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 10, 2007 Share Posted September 10, 2007 Or, he may have figured out what they were doing is wrong and is trying to save his marriage. I hope so for your sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 10, 2007 Share Posted September 10, 2007 I still don't understand the whole deal with her naked boobs being pressed against his chest while they were in the lake (or wherever it was)... what's up with that? Has that just been swept under the rug? Not to drudge it all up again, but that is the most worrisome part of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Share Posted September 10, 2007 Unfortunately I should be happy that he has stopped his calls to her and I am, but that confirmed to me that there was something between them, you know what I mean? I just mentioned to him 2 weeks ago today that a friend of ours was freaking out because he had an affair, got caught and was trying to reconcile with the W.... but was still calling the OW. Then when his wife found out he was still calling the OW she left him and now he cannot get over the wife and has been ina major depression for 8 months.....my H has not called her since that conversation. Strange or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 10, 2007 Author Share Posted September 10, 2007 Hey Jinnah you are funny. No, it was kind of strange....we were having a party and we were all swimming and it was dark, so some of the ladies pulled the tops off.....n oharm done. I was sitting in front of them on the dock and he was facing me and she kept pointing out the little dipper in the sky. At first she had her hand against his back when she leaned over to point over his shoulder, like showing a child, you get the picture? Then she did it again showing another, this time her hand was on the shoulder and not against the back, her boobs were touching his back. Some of ours friends saw it too..... Sounds strange but me and my girlfriend tested this in the water and you cannot feel it on your back....even if your nipples are hard. Boobs float so you do not feel the pressure of them against you, so he may be telling the truth when he said NO she did not when I asked him about it. But I know what I saw and so do the others, but she may not have thought about it at all, I was sitting right in front of them. I am not worried about that as much as I was to wake up at 2AM and they are swimming alone, as usual and I hear nothing for 5 minutes and tehy are UNDER the dock. I finally heard her move and said "what the f--- are you doing" and started to raise cane and she said " he is having a moment honey, he is crying" she then swims out, tells him to get out and he said "F--- that" she said get out " he again said "F--- that" ( I guess because I was pissed......she came up to where I was and was shaking ) it was not cold) I said what is the matter, why are you shaking it is not cold out here, she said " I hate fighting you know that" she said he was crying about the guy I slept with and was saying "why doesnt she want me that way" etc....he finally gets out 5 minutes later ( I thought was just enough time for an erection to go down) and was NOT crying, was very calm as well. He sat down and said he was tired of thinking about me and the other guy ( 5 years ago) etc....... Ok, now you got the picture, they always waited to go swimming late at night, they were always drunk.....how strange is that????After that night they started talking even more..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Well, I have good and bad news.....good he does not call her like he use to (everyday, twice a day) maybe once a week now if that and she does not really call him either. He has had plenty of oportunities to see her and we do not go. So, whatever was going on is over or the newness of the sibling reunion has cooled off. I am not sure why the sudden stop in communcation, but I have a good idea. Approx. one month ago she and her H came down to the lake. They slept with my H best friends wife in the water.....the sisiters H and I had a brief conversation in regards to the "Tape" and I told him a little (not enough) and he told me she said that she and my H do not talk everyday anymore (somewhat true, my H called everyday, she would not answer a lot) but I knew he still called everyday at that point. The next day my H remembered what he saw (sister/ brother in law in the water w/ friends wife) and was a bit bothered by the fact his perfect sister just confirmed she is a liar and a sleeze bag. Who knows.....all I know is that I am not the one that had to carry baggage. Cheaters, especially the ones that never come clean have to live with themselves.....in this case, if these two did something, they have to live with no only the GUILT, but the DISGUST of it all....NOT me.....he is still not as attentive to me as I want or need him to be and I am not sure what to do about that.. He would rather party with his friends than be with me lately. I shower him with love and attention and tell him how much I love him and rush home to be with him to find him 3 days in a week getting drunk with his best friend on the porch until late at night or at his friends house. What am I doing wrong? It is my fault as well, I knew he was immature when we started dating in 1995.....but you would think a man in his late 30's would not want to sit around getting drunk and high with a 24 year old (his best friend, 4 kids, sepreated and wanting my H to keep him company). My friends tell me to leave, he is never going to grow up and that he totally takes me for granted and does not treat me as I deserve. Yes, he loves me and everyone knows that but he has changed since the sister and maybe I won by default ! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 These people are sick. It's nauseating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 You crack me up Jinnah.....I wish I could meet some of you in person, you all seem to be genuine people and have a heart and a mind.....unlike the freaky people I seem to be around. I will describe myself and my H so you can get more confused. I am tall for a woman ( above average 5'7" and 119 pounds) reddish blonde, gray eyes. Professional career and look like it most of the time. I do have a tattoo and want another, but not sleazy looking. I can dress like a 30 or 20 year old and get away with it. I have a son in college and a stepson 16 at home. I like heavy music ( Godsmack, Disturbed, and 80's of course) I am a social drinker ( weekends at the lake house sometimes) I have an outgoing personality (known to be flirtacious back in the day) and attract men and women.....yes I have been with a female before and he got pissed (when we were split up, not married, he left me) Now, my H is about 6'1" brown hair and hazel eyes 185 pounds. Very handsome, loves tattoos (has 3 now and wants more) he is in contracting so never dresses up, he will if we go out (which we never do) he loves to drink beer and smoke ( you know what I mean ) he loves the same music give or take the eightes. I am almost 4 years older than he is and get carded more than he does. We are told we are an very attractive couple (neither would have a hard time getting a date) BUT we are still so different. I am a proud mother and a laid back person that likes to go home, clean and go to bed at a decent hour during the week. He was doing that lately until the friends wife kicked him out for wanting to party isntead of be a family......I do not mind once a week, but I can see this becaoming a trend. But, if I say something he gets pissed and tells me that I am acting like his friends wife that of course is always wrong and his friend is right.....you see I am not only fighting for my marriage after a supposed affair, I am fighting for it all the way around and do not know why anymore........ I hate to say this but I have one guy that is sweet, loving and responsible, own house, good job and attractive that I do not talk to but my family does sometimes waiting for me and would love to take me out. He has been through a really ugly divorce (she got pregnant by another man while they were married) BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I am not interested, WHY ! I love my husband, but I love myself more and may have to leave to save face....I do deserve better, maybe he does too....my I am not the right one for my H anymore...maybe he is guilty and does not care, myabe he is innocenth and not ready to give all of himself to me again....who knows....he will not talk about it. I am wrong, he is right and I have no right to tell him that hanging out is wrong, he is a grown man he said ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Forgot to tell you we had a long talk this weekend and I told him that we still do not have the connection that we should....he tells me to relax and let it all happen naturally and quit TRYING to make us work and just let it work out on its own.....why would he say this and still act so reserved with his affections and intimacy......he complained for years about the lack of sex that we had and now I am the one complaining and wanting it more....he said I am trying to prove a point by wanting it a lot now.....but I beg to differ.....all men know when a woman is HOT or not (wet) well I am more wet now than I have been in years.....so there goes that comment. He knew I wanted to make love last night and stayed oustside partying instead with his BUDDY ! Damn it, I am getting sick of this s--- and if he does not want me, a lot more do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 You crack me up Jinnah.....I wish I could meet some of you in person, you all seem to be genuine people and have a heart and a mind.....unlike the freaky people I seem to be around. Why thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 You are very welcome....we have to stick together you know I am just trying to hold it together. Link to post Share on other sites
chimuffin Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 sounds like you're beating a dead horse. What is EXACTLY you're loving about a man that is in love with his sister? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 Why not separate for a little while so you both can see what life will be like without eachother. Seriously, consider it. HE IS STILL intouch with his 1/2 sister, I don't believe it's only once a week either. Something still is very off...And fact that he won't admit anything exactly to you, means he's STILL not being honest with you AND to himself. Maybe he's disguisted with himself but can't admit that either. I don't know.. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 oh hes into that sister of his, she probably gives better bj's then you Link to post Share on other sites
Author cj1988 Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 Thank you WHICHWAY and KMT, you are awful. We are on here for help not nasty comments from someone like you. Please do not do that anymore. It is not funny. I think I am going to suggest that I stay at the lake house for a week or 2 and see how that goes. I am at my wits end. He only called her 7 times this month and she called him 3, so that is a far cry from what it use to be, that is for sure. I cannot expect him if he is innocent or not to never speak to her again, I know that would be unreasonable. BUT, I can expect him to treat me with the respect I deserve. I am not asking him to act as if he is in the dog house, just act as if I really mean something to him as I did for many years. This is really not about her at all anymore, it is about us. He says that he loves me and is in love with me, but his actions are not showing me that at all. He called me more this month than he has in a long time, but that is just one of the issued we have. To me he acts as if he is just there, you know what I mean? But when I bring it up (his lack of affection) he said I worry too much and to relax, nothing is wrong. He said that we have been together for a long time now, why do I expect it to be as if we just met....meaning I am all over him, showering affection and he is laid back in a sense. Maybe it is me, maybe I am trying to hard, but then again he is not trying enough, When he was so called madly in love with me all those years it came natura, why change now. Also, he said "When are we going to have a simple NORMAL marriage" why the drama? He should know the way I feel, he has been there and he knows it when I slpet with another man when we were apart, just about killed him....so 2 wrongs do not make a right ! I feel like an idiot most of the time.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 Also, he said "When are we going to have a simple NORMAL marriage" Things could be normal, but only when he's ready to open up and talk. Ready to admit his mistakes, ready to admit HE messed up and really wants to better himself, fix the marriage, prove to you that he is worthy of your trust again. You are right, 2 wrongs do not make a right...Which is why HE needs to be accountable for his actions, his choices, and live up to the consquences. He needs to do his part, and so far he's done SFA... Link to post Share on other sites
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