Lost and , 1/2 sister / 1/2 brother affair?

[dropdeadlegs]

cj1988,

 

You mentioned that your H suffers from depression. I can state from experience that even moderate depression can rob all the joy from life. I know that many don't like the idea of opening up to a therapist or taking medication that levels out your chemical imbalance, but I can say that it has been helpful to me many times during my adolescent and adult life. My depression is more situational and comes and goes, but the bouts are so draining.

 

If he would look into help for this his life and views could be changed in such a positive way.

 

You can't drag the horse to water, unfortunately, much less make him drink. He has to decide for himself that he wants to feel better and will try anything to make that happen.

[Jinnah]

If you want to know what's going on with him, you'll need to stop all the questioning and pretend it doesn't bother you. Let him get comfortable with you again. Then, start investigating him. Check his computer, cell, and vehicle. Follow him for awhile. Eavesdrop on his interactions with her. From what you have said, he's emotionally removed from you and invested himself to her.

 

 

I agree with this and would do this ASAP.

 

My husband has a twin sister and he would never call her his "sweet sweet baby" etc. and they're really close like twins are known to be. I asked him if he would talk to her like that or carry pictures the way your husband does, and he thought that sounded gross.

 

It's fine to be drink with a sibling, but you don't act all lovey dovey with them... that's weird.

[cj1988]

I staretd seeing signs that something was not right when she would come around I was invisible. He spent hours talking during the day and at night would not talk at all. They would go to the store alone a lot. On MY birthday they went to the drug store 10 minutes away and took almost 2 hours. Said that they were smelling all the perfume for me, ok ! Plus they would swim at 2 and 3AM alone. October to November they were together a lot during the week and I never knew because he was working on his brothers house who I found was not there in the afternoon, he was alone and she lived next door.

 

The conversation that I heard she told him to make sure I do not talk him out of using protection, because she would not put it past me to get pregnant and "WE" are not going to have that (meaning her and my husband) he said do not worry I learned to protect myself from her a long time ago, she can bite my "A--" then he said " I love you so much baby" she said I love you ! He said that was a sister protecting her brother because I had been freaking out about them and how close they were lately and she knew a baby would be a bad thing. He calls her "my sweet sweet baby" she said "My sweet Angel"....in the tape it is more him than her that is for sure. You do not hear I cant wait to hold you, touch you or f--- you.......they answered "Hey baby" then him "Hey baby" then she said I am going to miss you, he said I miss you already ! Now, is that not what lovers say????? NOW YOU SEE WHAT I AM DEALING WITH !

[Jinnah]

Yeah that sounds weird. Either they are involved some way, or the have a warped version of what a sibling relationship is supposed to be like. Either way, it sounds weird.

 

She should not even be talking to "her brother" about you and your husband having a baby. That is YOUR decision with YOUR husband. You need to tell him that there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed. Your marital issues should not be up for discussion between the two of them because it does not solve anything. Let that be clear. Go to therapy as well.

 

Have you tried to hang out and go along with them when they are together? Try and see what happens. Just say you want everyone to get along and start fresh. Let him know you want to put the issues behind you, and then START LISTENING and see what you hear. It will be easier to catch anything (if there is anything to catch) if they don't think you are suspicious anymore.

[Jinnah]

I feel like I've judged your husband and sister-in-law without knowing their side to the story, so I apologize. Maybe they have abandonment issues and those terms of endearment were used by their parents and it's a joke when they say it? Or are they serious? I don't know because I'm not there. Their behavior sounds really odd, but maybe they feel like you don't want them to have a relationship and that you are controlling (if they had a normal relationship it would be controlling to say they can't hang out or what not) so they hide stuff from you. It's still wrong either way for your husband to sneak around.

 

The only reason I'm saying this is because I'm sure you would feel really bad if they were just playing around and then you started thinking they were crazy and weird when they weren't. You are definitely going to have to find out for sure. Ask other family members if they think they have an odd relationship (if there is a trustworthy relationship). I know older siblings can sometimes have overprotective relationships with their younger siblings and take it overboard. Maybe you guys should all go to counseling and sort it our there. That way the person dispensing the advice hears everybody's version of the story.

[cj1988]

Yes, really weird and I was not the only one to see it, our friends did as well and just htought it was bonding. Since the accusation ( I called her and asked her how long she had been f---- her brother the night of the tape back in December) they are not the same around each other. From December to April they still talked all the time and after she and I started talking, while I was foolishly apologizing over and over again to both, they hung around after that, I was banned from their life so to say. He still called her all the time and then in March I let it rip with her and told her she was not messing with an ordinary man, he is weak and vulnerable and I thought he was in love with her things changed. The night of the tape she told her husband I found out just a little none of the HEAVY stuff at all. He told me that, so she lied to him as well, they covered the lies well. Now, he talks to her maybe once a day, not long if she answers. Drastic change from the past. She does not come to the (3 times this year, not like last year every weekend). It looks like I scared the piss out of her and she is done, but he is not like that, his heart was in it, he was her toy.

 

She is over weight and her husband ignores her and I am sure she enjoyed the attention, that was it. I have heard from his brother they are swingers and we saw that a couple of weeks ago when she and her husband were messing with married girl friend of mine in the lake. I looked at my husband the next day and said "I thought she does not cheat or has been out of her marriage, you see baby you cannot trust anyone, they all lie" He agreed and said that is their business. My husband would NEVER share me in a million years. That is what so surprising he is so against cheaters and always has been. My best friend listened to the tape 20 times and believes that it was emotional, but not physical and definitely strange and she is close to my husband as well. So, she is not telling me what I want to hear. She knows his heart and believes she played with him as well. What kind of sister does that to an already lost troubled brother? Sad huh?

[Cobra_X30]

Thanks Cobra, I agree we are married, it is OUR mess, and I would be glad to take responsibility for what part I have to play. The problem is that he the most stubborn, always right kind of person you can imagine. His own 15 year old cannot stand to talk to him because he knows what wwill happen, he is right you are wrong. That is something the sister has never encountered with him, she sees the loving sweet attentive man that I knew. Not the loud, cussing know it all we all know. She saw a little recently when he was drunk and he saw that she was not as innocent as she seemed to be either.....so that will burn out soon anyway. She is not the problem, it is HIM and US. I can only sit there so many times biting my tongue while he takes his frustrations out on me......I love him and want him to be happy again. Does anyone have any secrets? I have tried the sexy talk, text, clothes.......not what he needs.....it is deeper than that for him, how do I get to his heart before he loses it all?

 

I think he is at a point where he is depressed and trying to self medicate with drugs and booze and bad relationships.

 

Tell him to get into counseling... or leave him! Sometimes forcing the choice will show you what he really wants.

[cj1988]

Forgot this part, I was talking to him Monday night about a friend of mine and how her husband was still calling the OW in her house and after he was caught, said he stopped. I said that is the most disrespectful thing you could do to a spouse, still call your EX LOVER after you commit to your marriage again. Well, since that day he has not called his sister, strange?????? She called him yesterday for 5 minutes....he has been h--- to live with this week, so maybe he is getting over it or trying to, we shall see......if he wouls stop all contact with her, or once in a while he would....

[Jinnah]

Well, what if when your marriage became rocky he reached out to his family/sister (better than another woman) and they got closer, she got angry because he probably made the problems look like your fault (typical for some to only tell their side of story when angry), so that's why they talked mess about you, obviously. Then they get accused of being insestuous (sp?) and either they really are weird and are trying to hide it better or they aren't weird and are embarrassed of the rumors and keeping their distance. That's why it's better not to accuse unless you have facts.

 

Spouses need to learn not to share their marital problems with family/friends because of all the drama it creates. The spouse forgives, but the extended family does not, etc. The way they talk to each other COULD have just been them kidding around. Maybe. Ask her husband what he thinks.

 

The fact that she is a swinger presents the problem that she could encourage him to become that way with other people. I wouldn't let my husband have a relationship with swingers. Counseling is what this family needs.

[dropdeadlegs]

Spouses need to learn not to share their marital problems with family/friends because of all the drama it creates. The spouse forgives, but the extended family does not, etc.

this is just plain good advice.

 

My mother once told me that she doesn't want to know too much about my relationships because "you might forgive him, and I never will."

[cj1988]

I appreicate you not being one sided, that is really mature of you although you know my pain you are not one sided. I have spoke to others including his sister in law and she said they do act weird a lot, but she was not sure. She was there the day I found the STAMAX in his truck. I have asked some of his friends (both, but more his) and his best friend (he works with him and rides with him everyday) and he said that he did not think that they are having sex, BUT he thinks the relationship is too close and a bit abnormal as much as he calls her at work and not me. He said that my husband talked about her all the time and not me and he thought that was weird to, especially when he would call her sweetie and baby all the time on the phone, he thought for the longest time he was talking to me. He would hear him say "Hey baby" in a sexy voice, it was her....all our lake friends told me afte it all happened they thought it was strange the way they would vanish all the time and swim at night alone. She had her top off one time in the water her boobs pressed to his chest holding him crying , supposedly about how he grew up alone, a lie ! They were always getting drunk and stoned together. Her husband finally put a stop to them hanging out as much because she was coming home wasted.....my sister told me she believes from what she has seen ( around us all a lot) that tehy have done something, she is 99% sure.....so see, I wish it were just me that was controlling. Something told me to let the answering machine tape all the calls, I was hoping all my suspicions ( I have a lot more clues) were going to be put to rest from the tape, instead it confirmed them. I threw up when I heard the tape.........

[dropdeadlegs]

I threw up when I heard the tape.........

I have had a throw up moment myself, albeit very different. I have personal experience in weird sexual stuff involving someone I loved. What I learned From a professional was not positive and I bailed. This may explain my inability to see a positive side to your situation.

 

All that said, I feel for you, I really do.

 

I'm so happy you have found this site to vent. I didn't have that when I went through my screwed up situation.

[Jinnah]

My mother once told me that she doesn't want to know too much about my relationships because "you might forgive him, and I never will."

 

That's exactly right.

[Jinnah]

She had her top off one time in the water her boobs pressed to his chest holding him crying , supposedly about how he grew up alone, a lie !

 

 

Okay now, 100% INSANE. That's insane. I don't think I would be able to even look at him ever again if I were you. What if you guys had kids and they wanted some weird relationship with the kids? Oh my gosh! I've never heard anything like this before. That seems like proof to me (if you are sure her top was off). I don't know any sister who would hug her brother with her top off or any brother who would let his sister hug him like that (and I have 2 sisters and two brothers).

[whichwayisup]

( I called her and asked her how long she had been f---- her brother the night of the tape back in December)

 

See, in all honesty, I'm not sure how you get past it...I'm not too sure if I would be able to forget my H screwing his 1/2 sister. That's incest and the fact neither of them regret it, or feel it's wrong that's more reason to leave him. And yes, i know you love him, but how do you know 100% that they're still not seeing eachother?

[Jinnah]

See, in all honesty, I'm not sure how you get past it...I'm not too sure if I would be able to forget my H screwing his 1/2 sister. That's incest and the fact neither of them regret it, or feel it's wrong that's more reason to leave him. And yes, i know you love him, but how do you know 100% that they're still not seeing eachother?

 

 

Umm, I thought she just suspected they were, but didn't really know. Right? Did they or was she just asking that our of anger and suspicion?

 

What did she say when asked how long she had been f------ her brother?

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I've judged your husband and sister-in-law

 

IT isn't his sister in law - IT is his 1/2 sister. BLOOD RELATIVE...

[cj1988]

Atleast you all can make me smile. When I made the comment to her about "How long you been f---- your brother" she said he is right you are crazy. You see he painted this lovely pic of him in 6 months and a crazy one of me, obviously. Anyone that knows us both would say I am high strung and fun, not crazy and he is fun and very jealous and opinionated. You all know a person will tell you how bad their life is even if it is not if they are interested in some pity, affection or even more. We all paint our lives to others worse than it really is IF we are unhappy. She is like the mother hen of the family, she practically raised the 2 siblings she grew up with and she still does in a way because they are still dysfunctional in adult life.

 

She continued for months to get me to hang on and not give up on my marriage after my husband stopped talking to me and wanted out. She told me he was devastated by my actions and he could not be with someone that could go as far as I did with my accusation, someone that did not know him after 12 years. She said he loves you and everyone knows that but you and would never betray you in a million years. She said you know how he feels about cheating. She said be patient and give him time, he loves you and he can never leave you, even if he tried, and he didnt.

 

I do not know what to believe because so many things say something happened, but if I look at him and he has been for years, he would not do that. My therapist heard the tape and said that it was definitely emotional and a sign for alarm because of HIS emotional attachment to her. Whether sexual or emotional, it was over board and they crossed a line of some sort. He said it is NOT evidence of an affair, but it was evidence of betrayal of the heart towards me by both. It was selfish of both and I HAVE NOTHING to apologize for, any normal human would have had my reaction. My best friend was with me the first time I played the tape and she was crying and looked like a stunned deer in head lights. She like me had seen things that summer that were NOT right, she like me was hoping that we would hear a brother sister conversation NOT the one we heard.

 

My H admitted to her that the tape might have sounded bad BUT I am not screwing my sister. He told he wished me well and he hopes I have a happy life, that was in January. She said do you love your W, he said very much, but I can do this anymore. Her views of the conversation was that he was attached to her in some way and was not to me anymore and that the bond between them was far greater than what he had with me at the time, but not sexual. She said he cried a lot about his son that loves me and I have raised for 13 years that did not want to be with his dad any longer because of what he had done to me. He watched him treat me so badly as I lost 20 pounds ( I was already thin, I was very unhealthy) he watched him watch me cry and beg to reconcile with no regard or feeling for me at all except anger and frustration.

 

His son called the sister Jan 7 and asked her why she was rubbing his dads butt new years night ( he spent new years with her instead of me) she got nervous and told him I had twisted his mind too. Went straight to my H and cried and he came home and screamed and yelled at both of us because he said I made him do it. First of all, I was not around New years, second, I was not there and had no idea about any of it until he came storming in the door.

 

The son said he came through the kitche, my H and sister were standing at the sink looking at each other and she rubbed down his back and over his butt, of course she claimed that never happened. But my point is that he defended her even against his own son. He did not stand behind the family that have known him forever, but the new one he had been close to for 5 months. I do know my husband and that is WHY I believe he fell in love with her after hearing the tape. As to whether it was real or just GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) I have no idea. He is a weak love sick man and she abused that in my eyes after I told her what he was like, I have lived with him 13 years, she has known him really just a year now.....dont tell me who my husband is or is not !

[Jinnah]

IT isn't his sister in law - IT is his 1/2 sister. BLOOD RELATIVE...

 

HER sister-in-law, his sister, right?

[Jinnah]

The son said he came through the kitche, my H and sister were standing at the sink looking at each other and she rubbed down his back and over his butt, of course she claimed that never happened. But my point is that he defended her even against his own son. He did not stand behind the family that have known him forever, but the new one he had been close to for 5 months. I do know my husband and that is WHY I believe he fell in love with her after hearing the tape. As to whether it was real or just GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) I have no idea. He is a weak love sick man and she abused that in my eyes after I told her what he was like, I have lived with him 13 years, she has known him really just a year now.....dont tell me who my husband is or is not !

 

 

They definitely sound strange... I don't really know what to say to that. Are you guys together right now or not? Take him to church, lol!

[cj1988]

Good day all. Yes, we are together now and I have good news FINALLY. We had a really long nice talk this weekend and I think he has realized what he has and what he has to do to keep our marriage afloat. He was very sweet and honest about the whole issue, still vague with the answers, but actually wanted to answer some of my inner doubts about him and the sister. He did not call her last week at all, first time in a year. She called him mid-week (other sister had a little fender bender). Other than that, no communication.

 

In a nut shell he told me that he loved them (all siblings) very much, but she is the one that clicks with him the best. He said, when she and I started talking last June we realized how much we really have in common. We look a like, I thought we even thought a like, but as you know and have stated, everyone lies. He said that he was drawn to her in a sense that he needed to be loved by someone that was blood, even 1/2 blood, due to the siblings he grew up with are not close to him at all. He said I NEVER felt I belonged any where in regards to a family and she makes me feel soemone in my immediate family cares. He said he was sorry for not being there for me lately, but he had a lot on his mind including the hurt he felt when I went as he calls "off the deep end" and accused him of incest. He said you are by far the ONLY human being that I have ever givenm myself to and trusted with my life and you crushed me for years over and over again. He said you are the only woman I have ever loved and you know that, HOW could you think I was sleeping with my sister?

 

He admitted they were getting close and was overwelmed with the feelings and were like 2 kids in a candy shop. We were wanting to learn more and be around each other etc. BUT we were not intimate in a romantic way at anytime (still have doubts about fondling etc, I have to work that out) she and I did not mean to leave you and Mike (her husband) out and ignore everyone. He said that of all people on this planet that hates cheaters as bad as I do, you accuse me of the worst kind, how was I suppose to react? You broke my heart in a million pieces and I shut down, I had no other choice.

 

So, as you see he has made a step and I have to appreciate and listen to what he is telling me. I have to learn to believe the man that I have always known or he is right, we have nothing. Maybe we are on the right track and can grow from here. By the way, he never calls me....he called me this morning when I got to work and told me "Good Morning Baby, I just wanted to tell you I love you" that is the man I knew !

[whichwayisup]

He did have a choice. That's bullcrap and he's trying to justify it all.

 

I guess time will tell and actions speak louder than words...Trust him until he gives you reason again not to. Keep an eye on him! I hate to say this, but I doubt very much whatever it is/was between them is over...

[cj1988]

Thanks and I am watching really close, trust me. She and the other brother were all suppose to come down this weekend, they did not and I am glad. They never called to tell him either way etc....that is the great family he almost lost his wife over. The way I look at it, she EVER crosses the line or what I view as a boundary or my husband for that matter, they can both kiss my A-- where the sun dont shine and go to H--- ! There will be NO funky vibes or signs, NOT one or I am out of there.

 

Also, he is aware that I do not like the daily communication between them and if that continues I will be gone as well. I am not saying he should not talk to her at all, but everyday, give me a break, not happening ! As you see I have grown stronger in the last 4 months and no longer consider myself a victim. As long as I do that I will remain a victim and I am a fighter. I have a life to look forward to with or without him.

[annabelle75]

From the discussion you had it still sounds to me like he is laying the blame on you. He is mad at you and trying to make you feel bad for calling him out on his behavior. He still isn't coming completely clean to you and I think you know that. He is probably kind of freaked out as well by his own actions and unnatural attraction to his own sister and instead of being honest is acting appalled that you caught on to it.

 

My mother was adopted and had no siblings with her adoptive parents. When I was in highschool her 1/2 brothers from her birth father tracked her down. The oldest (and closest in age to her) brother really formed an instant bond with her. They talked regularly and loved learning about each other's lives. At no point did they ever behave in a way though that was too intimate for siblings. They were just really good friends. The way your H acted I think is proof there was soemthing else going on that he is afraid to admit to. Until he confronts it and is honest, it will always be an issue.

[cj1988]

That is what I am afraid of......if I were him and that happened to me I would probably be so freaked out that my family would find out and my siblings family that I would do the same. If something like this or the tape ever got to her kids, her husband, parents or other siblings they are history. Her family would be gone as well as her children and her husband. So, I know to a certain extent he will never come completely clean. How is it possible to do that after the way everyone and society will look at them.

 

The biggest problem I have is she should have cut him off, calls and all for a while and immediatlely tried to get him to work it out. She said the whole time when he would call all those months she would ask WHY cant you work it out with her, he would say " how can I after what she has done, she told some of ours and especially tried to convince my mom I am screwing you, why would I want to stay" she said because you love her and she was hurt and made a mistake. Now, do I belive that in a way yes and in a way no....if he thought there was any chance in his mind they could have kept up the secret, I am not sure he would have changed his mind and stayed with me. It is all so confusing and I wish he would tell me the truth, but then again, do I really want to know? If something has transpired between them more than just emotions, meaning physical, I would have to leave him. I asked him recently, "what if i had screwed my 1/2 brother, brother or even my good looking cousin you know and you found out now, what would you do? He said that f----- up and I would leave you......he immediately said " you STILL think I did something with her....that is going to be the death of our marriage" he said how many times do I have to tell you NOTHING happened.....I said ok play the tape for her husband, he said FINE, whatever play it (he knows I will not do it) but for months he told me I better not do that and get him involved in OUR mess........