BIL, living with us six years now, time for him to move out!!!

[redfathom]

My brother in law moved in with my husband and me in 2002, after there mom passed away, he was 16 at the time. My husband and I had been married about a year and half at that point. While my brother in law was in high school, he was getting child support so we agreed that he would pay us $200 a month for rent, since we could not afford to support him 100%. He also had to pay for his car payment. During that time we paid for car insurance and his cell phone bill. He has never paid for food or utilities. When he turned 18 he got a summer job then started college, at this point he started to pay for his cell phone bill and insurance. He still did not contribute money towards food or utilities; this was because after high school he went to college and we decided to continue to help him.

 

In May of this year he graduated from a great school with his BA in Finance. He still only pay us $200 for rent. Even after graduating he still lives with us and he still pays us the same rent and still has not contributed to food or utilities.

 

This would not be so bad except I have to say in the six years he had lives with us he has probably cleaned the kitchen 30 times, leaves a mess (a lot), pays for himself if we go out to eat about 40% of the time, his car is still in his name and my husbands (as the primary) even though he was suppose to change refinance in his name after the 1st year, it’s been three years. He eats a lot of food, or wastes it by leaving it out. His bathroom is a mess, his bedroom a mess, he uses all the towels and leaving them in his hamper for weeks at a time. He invites people over to the house, with out asking if we have plans or company coming over. He has done this twice this week and I am not saying he needs permission but a simple, “hey I was thinking of inviting people over, but I wanted to make sure you have no plans before I do.” Instead I over hear him talking on the phone asking his friends if they are almost here - to watch the four hour football game on our big screen tv in the living room, so that I get stuck hanging out in the bedroom when there was something I tivoed that I was planning on watching. Then having people over and leaving a mess in the living room when they are done. GRRRR. He can’t even take the trash out then put a liner back in. When I ask him to clean the kitchen because I made dinner it takes him two days and he only does some of it

 

 

So, he is planning on moving out once he gets a good job, but since graduating in May he has gone on two job interviews. He is not saving money for rent, deposit, ect. So now, I think enough is enough. I think rent needs to increase to $400 and he needs to contribute $100 a month to the grocery bill. If this was me, I would have increased rent when I graduated and I would have cleaned the house all the time. That is the least he can do. I mean we have been helping to support him for six years.

 

When we told him he needed to get a job while in college part time, he sulked and said that none of his friends had to get job and that we don’t understand the responsibility of going to college. I said, yeah you’re right because no one was there to support me so I could go to college.

 

Now that football season is starting, my house will be taken over on Sunday’s. I will just come home and there will be three guys in the living room watching the game, which would not be so bad but my husband sleeps during the day so I have no where to retreat to but my brother in laws messy bedroom.

 

to vent, but gheesh!!! I really want my house to me and my husband. I think it is time. Should be give him a deadline of mid December? I mean we could use the extra room and honestly we will probably save money because of food and utilities.

 

I think he needs to

 

• Get his own cell phone plan, we tried to get him to do that in June but he said it was too expensive. So he rule is that if he can’t afford it then he can’t have it.
  
• Pay us $400 for rent until he find’s a place of his own with a goal of December, January the latest.
  
• Go on one job interview a week.
  
• Buy groceries next time we need them.
  
• Can not have guests over unless the house is cleaned before and after.

Any other suggestions?

 

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I love him like my own brother and I really enjoy his company he is also one of my very good friends. I just want my house to me and my husband. It's time.

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm so glad that you posted on my thread and alerted me to yours. Reading a similar situation, but one that isn't mine , makes it somehow easier to see my own situation more clearly.

 

I totally agree that you and your husband have done more than enough to help his brother. (That was especially honorable on your part in your circumstances.) It's time for him to start helping himself more. Unfortunately, it is hard to set new rules based on new circumstances.

 

The cell phone should be on his own plan and if "it's too expensive" tough luck. A cell phone is a luxury, not a necessity, although the convenience may feel like a necessity after having one. (This helped me tremendously in my situation. I am now enlightened.)

 

Assuming there are opportunities in your area, and a Finance degree seems to be useful just about anywhere, I agree that he should be going to more interviews and actively pursuing a job in his field.

 

As for the time frame for departure, that might need to be dependent upon the time he actually obtains a position, so as to give him time for first paycheck and enough further paychecks to afford deposits and such required to rent a place. BUT, I'd be vague about that because you don't want to give him reason to stall in his efforts. Be clear that he needs to obtain gainful employment and that further expectations will be discussed at that point. Using a rent increase as leverage may help to motivate him. It could also further delay his savings ability.

 

These football buddies of his...could any (or all) of them be potential roommates? As a member of your household, and a (small albeit) rent payer, he should have use of many facilities, but he/she who paid for the big screen should have first rights to watching it.

 

I have similar problems with guests and the mess afterwards. A sinkful of dishes and beverage bottles left on living room tables is the norm. I'm so tired of it and should have put my foot down ages ago. use of the facilities should require cleanup responsibilities, too.

 

So, I agree that you (actually he) should have some goals and plans and be actively working towards achieving them. Six years of assisting with his support was a real gift. That couldn't have been easy as newlyweds, either. You really have my respect. Still, it's time for you to have your home and your privacy. You've earned it. I hope your H is supportive of this plan to move on.

[redfathom]

One of the FB buddies and him are going to move in together, he also just graduated and move down here from Santa Cruz. The other one is my other BIL who has his own place and a big screen TV as well, he just does not have HDTV, oh well I say. FB season needs to be at his house this year. Then he can clean up after all of them.

I agree about him having to save money and us increasing rent will stall the efforts of him getting his own place. But honest for a person who makes about $1500 a month $200 for rent is a good deal. As for the cell phone, yes he needs to get his own plan, his own insurance and get the car in his own name. These are all things he will have to do when he gets his own place so he needs to start now.

 

He is not saving money at this time. We had a sit down and I explained the cost of living on your own, rent, utlities, health insurance, ect. He is under the impression that because of his degree he will get a job making $50k right off the bat and could thus afford a place in downtown, where rent is about $1400 for a 1 bedroom 600 sqfoot house. I explained that even making $50k that would not be enough. He realized how expensive things are, which is why I think he is stalling. He know when he moves out he will barely get by and at our house he has a good deal. I know I can't deny him from watching TV since he does pay rent, I just want him to make sure we dont have plans instead of assuming we don't.

 

It;s time this turned into a roommate situation instead of a family member helping another family member out, like we have. Things need to be more equal, moniterily.

 

Good luck with your daughter. It's better sooner then later to give them responsibility. And it's not like you won't be there to help her if she needs you.

[dropdeadlegs]

I was agreeing with you on every front. In reference to the TV and living room, I think you and your H have first rights and football buddies can watch in his room.

 

I remember in high school taking a class that required checkbook balancing, tax return preparation, and budget preparation using actual classified ads for rent and income. It made me realize that life just isn't cheap.

 

Good luck to you with your situation, too. Lets keep each other posted. I drew a lot of insight and strength from your post.

[redfathom]

Here is the killer!!!

 

My BIL comes home yesterday and my H asked how his last day of work was. I was shocked, I asked him what he meant and my BIL said it was his last day working there and I was like oh what happened and he said well it was only a 3 month contract. WTF!!! So I asked my H when he found out and he said Wed. his other brother had mentioned it to him. So my BIL has knowen for months that his job would be ending yesterday and he has only been on two interviews. Now he has no job. I just mentioned to him on Tuesday that it was time for him to pitch in more, when he asked what I meant I told him that he should start doing some of the shopping and not just paying for it but actually going and he looked at me dumbfounded and asked me if I was serious.

 

My H and I got into an argument on Tuesday about him pitching in and then this happens.

 

My BIL did have a call from a potential job but I am still pissed that he had three months to find a job before he would be unemployed and he just started looking.

 

I hope he has saved up money.

 

The good news is that this is some serious motivation for him to get a good paying job and eventually move out, the bad news any money saved up for him to move has to be spent since he has no income now. Geessshhh!!!

[dropdeadlegs]

Grrrrr! I am feeling your anger, girl!

 

You have done so much and sacrificed so much, and this?

 

I hope he finds a good job soon. With his degree I would think it would be pretty easy, depending on your area.

[huh]

Where was your BIL's father in all of this? Why didn't he take in your BIL instead of you & your husband? Was it a geographic thing, the relationship? Is he contributing anything now?

 

For whatever reason, you & your husband ended up in a parental role. While what you have done for him is good, I wouldn't keep reminding him of that, as it's pretty hard for a kid to lose a primary caregiver parent at 16. But, like parents, you have the right to insist that things change once he finishes school. He needs to be kicking in more money for finances. Even if he doesn't have a job right now, he needs to get his butt out & apply for jobs in retail, restaurant, whatever to have some income coming in. What some of my friends' parents did when they were younger is that they had the kids pay a certain amount & then a certain amount went into savings towards a first month's rent/deposit when they were ready to move.

 

As for the football thing, you have a right to enjoy a home you're working all week long for on the weekend. He & his friends can take it to another friend's or a local bar. And he needs to start cleaning up after himself & doing more household tasks. You're not a maid and your husband needs to support you on that. It should be a non-negotiable condition of living there.

[redfathom]

Hi Huh,

 

His dad is not capiable (mentally and financially) to support him, he rents a room and is on disablity. He does see him every so often though.

 

Well, he has not been contributing more then when he was in school (for the last 6 years) even though he has been working full time vs. part time when he was in school. I asked him and he has no savings. He did say him and his friend plan on getting a place at the end of Oct. When we asked him how he would handle the deposit he said his friend has a lot of money saves up and he could front it and then he would pay his friend back. The thing that gets me about that is once again he is relying on someone else to be the responsible adult. He knew this day was coming he should have been saving. He told me he does not even have a clue how much money is in his account. Well, he has $400 for the next 18 days. So not much, since he spends just as much as he makes every month.

 

The reason they all come over to our house is that we have HDTV and AC which the other people don't or they live with there parents. But, good idea about going to a local bar. I agree with you there. It's not fair that I work hard to have HDTV and AC and a big TV and they all get to use it then leave a mess when they are done.

 

I did tell him he needed to clean the house before his friends came over on Sat and he said, why you cleaned it yesterday. Which I did straighten up, but I did not really clean it. The dishwasher could have been stacked, the tables windexed and the carpet vacuumed, all which would have taken 30 min tops to do. Instead he did nothing and the next morning I am cleaning up beer bottles. I am actually getting really pissed thinking about it and am so tempted to just sit down and set him straight.

 

Thanks for listening

[redfathom]

So my BIL went on a job interview, when I got home he was in his dress shirt and slacks so I asked him how it went. He said he has a 2nd int. on Wed, in two days. I asked him how much it paid (I asked because he never asks and it's stupid because it could be a waste of time), then he told me and it was not as much as he was expecting so I asked him if he was going to take the job if they offered it to him. My H then gets mad at me and tell me to lay off him. I was like what are you talking about, all I did was ask three questions. Then we get into this argument about it. I am so pissed right now.

 

Yesterday, AGAIN, my BIL had friends over the football game and AGAIN he did not tell us people were coming over. I was going ice skating but would be back later. So at 12:30 I asked him if people were coming over and he said yes but arn't you going ice skating and I said I was and he said "good". I thought that was a little rude and all the while he is in the kitchen with he gf making breakfast with the food we paid for. He has only bought food once in 6 years. That made me even more angry. Then I come home and they are all vegged out in the living room with the trash can over flowing, KFC sitting in bags on the table, ect.

 

I just want to go home and tell him to get his **** together. I would like to tell him to pay us for some groceries but he only has $100 in his account. He still has one paycheck coming, for part of a month, it should be about $900, but he has his car payment and $390 coming to us totaling $590. So after making those payments he will have about $400 until he gets paid agian (which is not until he gets a job). I refuse to help him with money AGAIN. Truthfully he should have started paying us for Gas, Cable/Phone/Internet, food, more rent.

 

Should I say something to him. I really want to but I know it will piss my H off and will start an argument with us. I am tired of getting ganged up on for taking a stand and demanding to be respected.

 

How should I approach it?

[Jade 02]

Oh Man,Red that stinks!!! I know EXACTALLY what you are going threw. My stepson was here for 1 month,till I put my foot down,and on top of all your BIL,i got the same from stepson also. My last straw was when my SS was vegging on the couch laying down(where I couldnt sit,or watch what I wanted),he slams his pepsi in him,and then THROWS!!! the empty pepsi bottle into the guest room. I went off,and he has been outta here for a year now. I think he is still hopping from friend to friends houses. MAN no responsibilities (must be nice!! NOT!!!) GTFOUTTA HERE!!!

 

Ya gotta put your foot down Red,It probably will start to interfere with your marraige. I hope not. I know how you feel. What is going to be your next plan to get him outta there? You cant live in misery to long,get him out,and do what ya gotta do. Make it an univiting place to come to,be a bitch when friends come around.Anything!!. Good luck Red,I will check back

 

Jade

[redfathom]

It has started to affect out marriage because my H and I fight about it. If I ask him to talk to his brother about cleaning up more or talk to him about paying or groceries or looking harder for a job he throws insults about my family back. That was what he did last week, and I told him, “Stop, we are not talking about my family and you can’t keep insulting my family because we are not talking about them.” Then again later in the week we fought about it again. He even had the nerve to compare his BIL with me taking my niece to the movies or buying her a t-shirt, when she is 14 and I rarely get to see her.

 

We had a huge blow out a few years ago, we were at dinner and I asked my BIL if he had started to look for a job and he said, “No, I was just going to move in with x (my dad) and he said he would not charge me rent.” I got pissed and said, “Well, you can expect other people to take care of you so you don’t have to.” My H yelled at me in the restaurant and told me to never talk like that to his brother ever again. I went to the ladies room and cried and called my mom to get me. And that has been my H’s attitude about this whole situation from day 1, six years and counting.

 

I actually have started acting rude to him and his friends, but then he is rude back, which I should expect and can not blame him for. Yesterday he watched football in the living room for 8 hours, I came home and had to sit at the dining room table and eventually retreated to my bedroom. When I asked him if he had been watching TV since 1pm, it was now 8pm, he said, “Yes, like how you and X (my H) watched TV all last weekend.” I should have said, “Well, that’s our right, we paid for the TV and pay for the cable.” WTF!!!! Wow I am pissed.

[redfathom]

So I brought it up again. I come home from work and the house is a mess and my BIL is watching football in the living room, for the third straight day, he did not even leave the house. So I am on the PC in the bedroom and my H asked my BIL if he is hunrgy and makes them both soup and a sandwhich, what about me? I did spend an hour cooking dinner for them yesterday. So I make my own dinner and go back to the room, then I hear my BIL's friend come over to watch the game, again no notice.

 

So my H comes in the room 1.5 hours later to get ready for work at this point I am a little POed. He asks me if I am okay and I told him I was pissed that: the house is a mess, his BIL had someone come over again with out saying anything, that he has been watching football for three days staright while I am forced to hide out in the room and not relax and that I would have liked to spend time with him. So he says I could have come out there and watched football with them, my H does not even like football. He never watchs it unless my BIL is watching it in the living room. Then he tells me instead of pouting why don't I just tell his brother to go watch TV in his room. I explained that was not the point and anytime I try to talk to him, my H, about it he is unsupportive and tells me to cut his brother some slack.

 

I asked my H to tell his brother to clean the kitchen and he said he did. Then I said that pisses me off because why do we even have to ask.

 

So then my H is pissed at me and won't talk to me. So I left a note and went for a drive and the note said, that I am tired fo being a maid to someone who does not respect the priveleges and luxuries we work hard for and that all I am asking my H is to relay this to his brother. I am not asking him to take sides, just to respect the things WE both work hard for.

 

My brother in law pays us rent, 1/10 of what our mortgage is. He does not pay for foor or utlities, so my new idea is that he can not eat our food and since he does pay us some rent, he can have the living room 3 days of the month, for 1/10 of the time. And he can only watch basic cable and we will disconnect the internet from his room and take out the phone. Basically he can use what he pays for.

 

I told my H I am sick and tired of fighting over this and asked him what we were actually fighting for, do I need to fight with him to get him to ask him brother to clean up after himself, I mean get real. We pick up after our selves. At which point my H made a face, basically saying yeah right to me cleaning, when: I do the grocery shpping, laundry, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, etc.

 

My next step, if we fight again is to not go home. I will go to friends until 10pm when I go to bed, and I will sleep then go to work and I will do this everyday until his brother moves out. I will take my laundry to my dads or laundry mat and not cook, buy groceries, etc. I will pick up things I need and that's it. They can have the house to themselves I will just use it to sleep at.

[Cobra_X30]

Red,

 

Your H is using your BIL as emotional support. Sounds kinda crazy but he feels better about himself and his situation because his brother is such a loser! It also may allow him to ignore some of the problem situations in his own life.

 

BIL needs to move out! He needs to move out fast. If you think that allowing him to stay is a good thing for him.... your wrong. Its killing his independance! Sounds like a nice guy with no ambition, which will lead to unhappiness in his future.

 

I recently had a relative move in for a month, so I'm actually very familiar with this situation. The difference is that I demanded an action plan to get her back out on her own before she even moved in. In fact I assisted in several stages of her moving out!

 

I wish I could tell you that your plan is sound and will work... but I'm afraid your H is the one who needs to get the ball rolling, and he is just going to see your "strike" as childish and immature. He see's himself as the logical one because he is looking at each incident individually and completely missing the big picture.

 

Your H needs to start doing what is best for his family... he needs to get the BIL out on his own, so he can become independant and grow as a person. He needs to get some focus and actually start working on his marriage! Honest... H sounds like a nice guy... but he's bieng dense as rocks!

[redfathom]

I just wish he would not protect his brother, when you and I know he is actually hurting him. I don't understand how he can be so cruel to me over this situation like I am being unreasonable my asking his brother to contribute more and clean up after himself. This is truly someting I will never get over. I hate that my H chooses his lazy disrespectful brother over me. He already told me he will never love me like he loves his brother and ALWAYS takes there side. They can be rude to me and he won't do or say anything and when I get upset he tells me I need to calm down and not be so uptight. I mean his brother and I are good friends as well, I have known him 11 years and sometimes see him more then my H. I just recently feel like such a doormat, why do I have to tip toe around his feelings when my H will trample mine over this issue, it's easier to stand up to me then for my H to tell him brother something he does not want to hear. He is so worried about there approval, but what about mine.

 

It is just so frustrating! I did propose a family meeting today so we will see how that goes. I am sure my H will insult me and yell at me.

[dropdeadlegs]

So much to respond to I hope I remember to cover all the bases.

 

I'm sorry this is taking a toll on your marital relationship. Marriage always involves blending of families to some extent and that is sometimes admittedly hard, even in the best of circumstances.

 

I've already applauded you for making the sacrifice you did. That required a very big person and a lot of selflessness. Your H and BIL may see it as something less, but I think it was above and beyond what a newlywed should endure.

 

I guess that your H has taken even more of a parental view than I originally thought. Of course he will never love you the way he loves his brother, they are two very different kinds of love. They cannot be compared, still I hate the way it was stated to you without that obvious qualification.

 

I totally understand your frustration with the situation. I agree that your H should be asking for changes as the blood relative, and I think it would come across to BIL better if H addresses the issues. There is obviously something up, maybe like Cobra suggested, that is making your H want to keep BIL around, or at least not make any demands for an exit plan. Until you find out what that is, it will be hard to successfully solve this issue. I wish I knew how you could find out the root of this issue.

 

Yep, coddling BIL will not have any good effects long term. I don't think leaving your home for extended periods will help either. They will only see you as acting childishly and that will further strengthen their bond. I can sure see why you would want to prove a point, I just don't think they will actually see the point and will use it as more ammo against your position.

 

Professional mediation would be nice, wouldn't it?

 

Since your H is reluctant to push the baby out of the nest, I guess I would do it myself. Not necessarily abruptly, but firmly all the same. I would immediately begin taking back my living room. Say you're ice skating and return home to find the roomful of football revelry. I would say "you guys are going to have to watch this elsewhere because there is a program I want to see." I would begin a self service kitchen immediately, fixing myself a sandwich or a burger, eating some single frozen dinners, and cleaning up after myself. BIL is a big boy and capable of fixing his own meals and cleaning his own mess.

 

No, these two small steps don't even begin to cover the necessary changes, but they are a start, and I would continue with eliminating one comfort at a time.

 

Your situation is much more complicated and i don't pretend to have all the answers, I would just like to see your dilemma solved with the least abrasion to your marriage if that is possible.

 

I'm really sorry you aren't getting the support I feel you deserve.

[Cobra_X30]

I just wish he would not protect his brother, when you and I know he is actually hurting him. I don't understand how he can be so cruel to me over this situation like I am being unreasonable my asking his brother to contribute more and clean up after himself. This is truly someting I will never get over. I hate that my H chooses his lazy disrespectful brother over me. He already told me he will never love me like he loves his brother and ALWAYS takes there side. They can be rude to me and he won't do or say anything and when I get upset he tells me I need to calm down and not be so uptight. I mean his brother and I are good friends as well, I have known him 11 years and sometimes see him more then my H. I just recently feel like such a doormat, why do I have to tip toe around his feelings when my H will trample mine over this issue, it's easier to stand up to me then for my H to tell him brother something he does not want to hear. He is so worried about there approval, but what about mine.

 

It is just so frustrating! I did propose a family meeting today so we will see how that goes. I am sure my H will insult me and yell at me.

 

Listen... family meeting may not be the best way to approach this. They may gang up on you, and then your going to walk away frustrated and looking like the big bad wife!

 

I would honestly suggest getting your H behind closed doors and laying it out for him. He's going to fight you right off the bat, but make him promise to give what your saying some thought. You want him to seriously consider...

1. The effect that this "spoiling" is having on his brother long term.

2. The effect this is having on your marriage.

Make him understand that your BIL is welcome in your house any time... you just want him to grow up and get his own space.

 

Also, You want this marriage to work... and your kicking and fighting to keep it going, at this point he needs to literally make an effort to show that he also wants this to work.

[redfathom]

Yes, I know. I am just trying to approch it in a way that he wants. He keeps telling me to just talk to his brother, even though that is his job. He has already made me out to be the bad wife, aweful sister in law.

 

When we seperated, I moved to my dads for a month and honetsly wanted it to be longer but he kept pressuring me to come back, at that time he knew I was fed up with feeling like a maid. His brother even said we should take turns cooking and cleaning to help relieve the stress I was feeling. That happened for about two weeks then ended. It has me seriously considering seperating again until he can figure this all out but I can't do that.

 

I am tired of feeling like I put most of the work into this relationship and also have most of the chores on my plate as well. It has gotten to the point (again, just like before the seperation) where I just don't care. I don't care if the house is a mess and we have no groceries, why should I if they don't. But when I get to this point I start to not care about the outcome of my relationship.

 

I start to fantasize about how different my life could be, I start to think to myself that I am 25 and this is what my life is going to be like and then I start thinking about a way out. So then all my attention and energy goes into survival mode and I have no energy for my relationship.

 

 

Grrr, I hate being such a whiner.

[Cobra_X30]

Your not a whiner. Your carrying 80% of the load in your Marriage!

 

Why on earth should you have to go directly to the BIL to settle problems? Does he have any intelligent reasoning to justify that? Shouldnt he be protecting your relationship and image with his family?

 

Sometimes the most powerful word on earth is WHY!

 

Honestly... it might have been a mistake to move back so soon. He needs to make permanent changes, and moving his brother out would be a great start!

 

Look I'm 28 and this stuff doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out!

[dropdeadlegs]

Still sitting here reading and agreeing.

 

As for you talking to his brother, from the exchanges you have reported on this thread, he tells you to back off when you do that. Otherwise I would have simply suggested that myself, but I see that it hasn't worked well.

 

I agree with Cobra that a family meeting might end up with two against one. Unfortunately the wrong two....

 

Your H doesn't like the confrontation. Who does? Still BIL being his family, it's really his responsibility. Confrontation doesn't have to be ugly, right?

 

Maybe Cobra and I should come by and set new expectations????

[redfathom]

Thanks!

 

I do keep asking him the WHY questions: WHY are we even fighting about this. And he has nothing to say. WHY does he have a problem with his brother cleaning up after him self, he tells me to stop pouting and go talk to his brother about it. WHY does he not think we have the right to ask him brother to tell us when people are coming over. WHY does he protect his brothers and not our relationship.

 

WHY is he making such a big deal out of protecting his brother when he will be moving out in a few months and we have out whole lives to be together.

 

I am 25, as of today my H and I have been together for 10 years. I have had a job since 17. Since being 19 I have never not had a job (only twice was I unemployed because I moved states), I never left a job with out having one lined up no matter how bad things have gotten. I owned my own home (with my H) when I was 22. We have never missed a payment on our car, home, credit cards, etc. I have never cheated on my H nor come close to even forming a relationship with another man.

 

When I was his brothers age, I was at the same job for three years, married for four and had just purchased a home.

 

Maybe the question I should be asking is WHY should I stay. I do not want to walk away from the relationship I just need a vacation from the current situation.

 

Maybe his brother should go stay with their other brother until he can get his own place or I will have to go stay with someone else.

[redfathom]

Haha, yes. I brought up to him yesterday that when I do try to say something to his brother he yells at me.

 

I tried to set expectations for his brother from the begining but my H always went against them. I tried to tell my H he needed a job in highschool, H said no. Two months after graduating from HS I had to take my BIL out job hunting because he was not doing it.

 

I am thinking of calling on some support, maybe my SIL (his brothers wife) can help out. She is a major ball buster and I am sure his older brother would step up and explain to my H how he is messing up our relationship.

 

I am sure if my H talked to his brother there would be no confrontation, but if I do it, my H will get mad.

 

I am so mad I just want to tell them both to go F them selves. Excuse my language.

[redfathom]

P.S. about his brother not telling us when people come over, my H asked me if I tell him brother when I am having people over and I said, sometimes. But WHY do I have to, it's my home.

[dropdeadlegs]

Oh boy, it's tough being the REAL grownup!

 

I say call in the reinforcements. A ball buster is what you need now.

 

I guaranty your H doesn't REALLY understand how dire the situation has become. If you left today he would probably be dumbfounded, despite your continued pleas for a solid, united front.

 

Sometimes people just don't get it.

[Cobra_X30]

P.S. about his brother not telling us when people come over, my H asked me if I tell him brother when I am having people over and I said, sometimes. But WHY do I have to, it's my home.

 

Thats the point! Calling his family to help is just going to sit sour on him... he completely fails to take responsibility for the situation.

 

Look, I'm not here to just bash on your Husband. Like I said before he seems like a great guy. He just needs to pull his head out of his arse. I really dont know what is going to make him do that? Time isnt going to fix it. You can slowly try to guide him into doing the right thing... but are you willing wait until your 60 to have a good marriage?

 

Is he really happy with things the way they are? I doubt it!

 

I'm trying really hard to give you a perspective that fits your situation... but I dumped a girl 3 years ago because she too lazy to put my dishes IN the dishwasher when she was done. LOL... it was like a bloody sienfeld episode gone wrong!

[redfathom]

Well, I am sure if you found a girl that was "the one" dirty dishes would not be a deal breaker for you. Too bad the problem was'nt her loading the dirty dishes naked, I always liked that episode.

 

I don't want to wait until I am 60 to have a good marriage, I text my H and asked him to schedule a MC appt. Maybe she can knock some sense into him.

 

I doubt he is happy, I wish he would say something. Shoot, if I can't make him happy then he needs to find someone who can. And visa versa, but we need to be honest on whether or not we can fullfill each others needs.