Contempt

[FTMC2605]

Contempt in its purest form explained. Repulsed by the possibility that God exists and equally contemptuous at the belief of a balance in good and evil. It makes no sense to beseech the blessing or the mercy of God in favor of someone in need. What mercy comes to each is categorized as a blessing but in actuality it is favor in the way of luck. Just the same to the one who suffers from an illness that eats from within until it steals your final breath that luck has averted him. There is no hand that causes the earth to rotate or the sun to shine or the stars to twinkle. There is no great pitcher on the mound of the galaxy hurling fiery comets or streaking asteroids though space. And there is no evil hand moving our planet in the path of those intergalactic objects. It just happens.

 

It could be argued that this leaves one in a position of being insecure or unsure of some level of safety. The result of which is a belief. It is a belief that if you do a certain thing or act a certain way or follow a certain creed or live by heavenly commandments you will be spared any evil. It is a blind eye to the reality of our physical being and that things just happen good and bad. It is a security blanket that we believe if we keep telling ourselves it is true then in will be. It is not unlike the man who has a fire extinguisher in his house and now believes that his house will never burn to the ground.

 

I’ve taken both roads and have seen both results and found that sometimes they were good and sometimes they were bad. I believed I had the security blanket on and was sure the outcome would be what I had hoped for in all cases. That is until the last one. I lost. It’s that loss that has finally opened my eyes. But it has also become a pit. A pit that is too deep from which to climb out. In that pit I am trapped with words that only need to be listed to understand the despair and hopelessness that co-exists with me.

 

Anger – A strong feeling of displeasure and usually antagonism.

 

Guilt – Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.

 

Fear – An unpleasant strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.

 

Hate – Intense hostility and aversion deriving from fear, anger and a sense of injury.

 

Hopeless – Having no expectation of good or success. Not susceptible to remedy or cure. Incapable if redemption or improvement.

 

Sadness – Affected with and expressive of grief and unhappiness.

 

Anxiety – Painful apprehensive uneasiness of mind over anticipated or impending ill.

 

Depression – Feelings marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

 

Disgust – Aversion aroused by something highly distasteful.

 

Disdain - a feeling of contempt for someone or something regarded as unworthy or inferior

 

Darkness – arising from or showing evil traits or desires.

 

Frustration - a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.

 

Rage – Violent and uncontrolled anger or a fit with violent wrath.

 

There is no balance in this pit. All and everyone I care about are prisoners along with me and I have a responsibility to care for my family and protect them from these things that are swarming in this pit of despair. They are so powerful that the balance is thwarted by their power and it only perpetuates the feelings.

 

The opposite of anger is calmness or delight. I have not been calm for the last almost three years. I look to my family to find the delight that used to prevail but the anger always seems to overcome in relation to the loss of family too. This leads to guilt that I can not live up to my responsibility to my family. Then to fear that I will loose my family. I hate myself for this and its seems like there is just no way out so this comes with a feeling of hopelessness. I grieve what I have lost and have anxiety over the possibility that I will loose more. I look for someone or something other than myself to blame because I believe that I have no control and I can only look to the faith that I was taught and this leads to disdain for God and frustration over not being able to control or resolve anything. It leads to disrespect for my teachers because they were wrong or never taught me how to deal with these issues. Finally in ends in a fit of rage and the cycle starts all over again. It is truly a state of depression and I want it all to end

[JCD]

People can always change for the better if they want to. You need to put aside what happened and concentrate on becoming stronger and better so that your family can depend on you. There might or might not be a reason to our universe but to trust a God without any proof of his existence and to yield ourselves to him is dangerous as proved by our history. If you need to study history and science because that's the only way to explain our universe and us. Believe in yourself even when you'll be making mistakes because thru mistakes is how we learn.