Jealousy: the raging beast within -- how do you work through it?

[mintjulep]

I'm sure this has been addressed before, but I'm having trouble finding a thread that is helpful right now. (Apologies for length. I edited. Times four.)

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost nine months. We met through a mutual "friend." I know her on a professional level, they knew each other growing up, through high school. In a happy coincidence, they ended up moving to the same neighborhood last year, and even though they weren't very close growing up and hadn't seen each other in years, they rekindled and re-formed a new friendship. Four months later, we met through her.

 

Even though we were both attracted to each other, nothing of note happened for several months. When he asked what my story was, she told him that I was interested in another guy, which was HIGHLY inappropriate since she didn't know me outside of one or two happy hours, and I was, to put it bluntly, way out of this guy's league (and not interested). (Cock block much?)

 

I had already assumed they dated in high school (they hadn't), but I wasn't in a place to want details, and high school was a LONG time ago. I finally asked him when we got serious because I wanted to go forward with all the information. He admitted that when she moved out here last year, he had tried to date her. He had lived alone for a whole year without a very strong social network, and suddenly someone from his hometown had moved nearby, and in his euphoric state he started picturing their babies or whatever guys do.

 

The reason he stopped trying to date her was because she made a demeaning and belittling statement about his job to someone when she introduced him once, and he realized she's still the kind of person who says things like that, just like she was in high school -- in other words, horrible. Eventually she dated his roommate for a while. I don't know if she resisted his advances because she was interested in his roommate the whole time, or if she realized that she didn't have a shot with him, anymore, and moved on to the next best thing.

 

Sometimes we still see her (I work with her so it's kind of hard for me to avoid her), and regardless of his feelings, he's polite as pie to her every time. If I'm being completely /practically only for my therapist/diary/ honest, I wish he would be less nice to her, but I guess that's the "price" of having an emotionally healthy, kind, thoughtful boyfriend.

 

I know that he loves me, so it bothers me doubly that I can't get past the tainted association he has with her, and the feeling of jealousy/anger/competition every time she's around (even sometimes when she's not). It has been six months since he told me! Not to mention that he had walked away from the crush before he even met me. But every time she tells a story about how "Oh, yeah, I remember when [boyfriend] and I did [such and such] together," just to prove she knew him before me, I want to stab her eyes out with my fingers!

 

About three and a half months after we got together, I was officially diagnosed with dysthymia, which hasn't helped.

 

I'm just having a hard time pulling myself out of it, and my usual therapy-assigned methods aren't working, so I am seeking help from the Interweb, LS. Do you have any suggestions? Thoughts? Do you have a tactic, or method to pull yourself out of similar cycles? It's so bad I don't even want to see his face tonight. Why am I even angry with him when he didn't do anything?

 

(Edited to add: This is 100% my problem, and I know that. I'm not trying to assign blame to either of them, since I know it's all my reaction to the situation and only I can choose how to react. I only told the whole story from my biased perspective because this is what I am battling.

 

I am curious to know how to get out of my head and start living a peaceful life without so much anger towards a stupid girl who isn't worth any ounce of energy, and simply enjoy my [nearly] perfect boyfriend, regardless of who we are with. And possibly start looking for another job )

[QWERTY]

Hi mintjulep,

 

I'm afraid I don't have any really helpful advice, but I've received helpful advice and support on this board so I thought I would at least respond.

 

I've been (and still am in) a similar situation to you. In my case, it was a year ago, and my g/f was with a married man who treated her badly but whom she gave up her self-esteem to be with. His ghost still haunts our relationship, and although we never speak about him, I think about him (being with her) every single day.

 

The standard advice is to just focus on the here and now, and be happy that your b/f or g/f is with you. But that isn't always so easy, is it?

 

But I've recently realized that a big part of my problem is that my g/f is everything to me, and I can't stand the thought of her having loved/lusted someone else. Why? Because of my insecurity, I want her to only have every loved and wanted me. When she says "I love you" or "make love to me", I want to be the only man she's said that to.

 

But unless you find a virgin, that's just not going to happen. So while I haven't been able to put a stop to my own jealousy yet, here's the advice I'll give:

 

1) Avoid this woman as much as possible (in other words, don't talk to her any more unless you really have no choice), and talk to your b/f about how her comments affect you. It seems like she's trying to make you jealous by making comments like that, which is disrespectful. You shouldn't tolerate being disrespected, and your b/f shouldn't tolerate it either. If someone is being disrespectful to me, I cut them out completely -- I don't talk to them, I don't be polite just for the sake of being polite. Just because you work together, doesn't mean you have to be friendly. If your b/f sees that her behaviour is disrespectful to you (and him), and that it bothers you, maybe he'll stop talking to her too.

 

2) You need to work on your self-esteem (said the pot to the kettle)... I think your b/f is making you feel complete, which is why this other woman is bothering you so much (because you don't want to share him, in the past or present). If you can work on becoming a whole person on your own, with a b/f who is a wonderful compliment to that wholeness, his past probably won't bother you as much. Again, easier said then done -- but in and out of therapy, take the focus off of him for a while and put it on feeling better about yourself. I'm going to be starting counseling soon myself, and working on feeling whole and having secure attachments with those around me is going to be my main focus.

 

Anyway, that's all I have for you. Hope it's some help.

[mintjulep]

Thank you for the thoughtful response, Qwerty.

 

I don't know that the problem is that I want him to only have loved/lusted after me, because I know another one of his ex-girlfriends, and none of his past relationships bother me. I think that part of what irritates me so much is that A) this girl is around every corner, it seems, telling me stories about my boyfriend (as though she's interacted with him at all in the past 10 months ) and B) I find her so blindingly irritating, selfish, and bitchy that I can't stand that he liked someone like her *right* before me -- but more importantly, why (and WHEN) did he stop? Was he being honest when he said that he stopped liking her in August? I overheard him say once that he hadn't gotten over her until THANKSGIVING. Does that mean that he carried this torch long after we met, and then BAM -- two weeks after he decides he doesn't stand a chance with her, he's with me? If she had responded kindly, would they be together now? OR, was it the other way around, and he really did drop the ball after she made that rude comment about him (although maybe it faded slowly, instead of disappearing immediately). I hate the thought that I'm sloppy seconds, and it's hard to bring it up because we've talked about it before, to DEATH, but I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I feel like I've been lied to, and I can't bring up the Thanksgiving thing because I was eavesdropping in the worst possible way, and it's a little hard to talk about betrayal of trust when you've betrayed trust yourself.

 

You're absolutely right about my self esteem, though. I do need to work on that, big time. One of the reasons I get so jealous is because I think she's thinner, prettier, smarter, and more in control than me -- and it's not just around my boyfriend, it's at work, too. Where do I get this idea? Honestly. I know this girl. She probably has a worse self-esteem than I do (which would explain her piss poor social skills), and she is definitely not any more in control of her life any more than I am. Sure, she's thinner than me, but I'm not a big girl! Plus, pretty is subjective. I feel so ugly inside sometimes that I feel ugly on the outside, too, but I know that lined up against the wall, it would probably be a blonde/brunette preference, as opposed to her being objectively more pretty than me. And even if she is prettier than me...so what? Loads of people always will be. It doesn't devalue me as a human being.

 

Sadly, I can tell myself all of this, and it doesn't make me any less insecure about myself. It's not just around her. I get this way around a lot of girls. And, yes. I'm aware that this is internal and has maybe 0.001% to do with them.

 

I think you were right about a lot of things, and I am definitely working on it. I know I've made a lot of progress in the last five months, but it's still really difficult sometimes in the moment. I have this book with "exercises" in it where I put myself in situations and work through them, and I've gotten really good, in the book -- it's just not the same when, bam!, you take a situation to the face. I guess I was looking for "immediate" solutions, but isn't that what Americans are all about these days ?

 

Anyway, thanks for the response, and good luck to you, as well. Therapy is the best thing I've ever done for myself (and that includes the tattoo ), and while it's not for everyone, I think it's always worth a shot.