Asking to try again... now or later?

[trendyaznchica]

I posted a long post yesterday about my relationship, but last night, things sort of changed. To recap, my two-time ex broke up with me a week ago after a six-month relationship because he felt that he would never be in love with me. I personally think that he is simply unsure and indecisive about his feelings in general.

 

Last night, I threw a party at my place, and he came with his friends. We were friendly, but as host, I flitted around the party. Eventually, I found him by himself on my porch, and I sat down to talk with him. I told him a few of the things that I had wanted to say (they were nice things). I was drunk and rambling, so he didn't really have a chance to say anything. I didn't ask him any questions either, so he didn't have a reason to.

 

He and I eventually ended up in my room, talking. He listened very well. We were sitting on my bed, but he didn't make any moves, although he always had a hand in mine and hugged me occasionally. We talked (I talked and he listened), and eventually, he tucked me into bed, saying that we should talk again.

 

I am now torn about what to do. Before we began dating "officially" this second time, we were doing basically the same things that any couple would do, just without the label. Things were very good at that time. I want to go back to that. I was always the one to make the decisions or ask that decisions be made. He probably was thinking about being in a relationship with me, but I was the one who asked if we were dating. I think that this led him to feel rushed, even though he was thinking the same things I was.

 

He still wants to be a part of my life; I think his coming to my party is a good indicator. Should I wait a few weeks or months before asking him to try again at being together without the label? Or should I do it now, before he frees himself of his emotions for me? I will not beg because I have done that before, and it sucks and never works. But I want to ask him if he wants to try again.

[trendyaznchica]

Hey everyone, I don't mean to bug you guys, but I was wondering if anyone has had any thoughts concerning my situation. Here's the original post I was talking about:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t128392/

 

I have been losing sleep and weight, and my senior year in college just started... it should be the best year in college!

 

I think what I do need to do before asking him to try again is to find out what the main reason for the breakup was. I thought about breaking up with him a few times, and I know that he's been thinking about breaking up for a while.

 

Overall, I think he felt pressured by being labeled a "boyfriend." In the beginning of our relationship, we did all the couple-y things, like going out to dinner, cooking dinner together, hanging out on the weekends with and without friends, etc etc. We were much happier then. Is it possible for us to go back to the pre-labeling stage?

 

Is it possible to basically, try again at the relationship by not trying? What I mean is, in the beginning, we didn't have bf-gf obligations, but we fulfilled them anyway because we wanted to. Once we became bf-gf, both of us seemed to work much harder at the relationship. The harder we worked, the less we felt close to each other.

 

Anyway, if anyone has any thoughts... if you think I'm being insane ... if you think I should pull the NC for a few weeks... speak up! Thanks so much.

[trendyaznchica]

I'm going to call him tomorrow night and ask to meet up somewhere. I have my list of things that I want to say in my head. This could completely be suicide for our relationship, I know. But I don't think that he or I have much to lose if we just rewind the relationship back to its state before the labeling began. The main problem is that it could lead back into one of us asking to put the labels back. With the knowledge I have now and the knowledge of the unsettling feelings that I was having when we were bf-gf, I will not be the one to ask for that until there is a real change in our relationship because essentially, our relationship has been the same the entire time. Only, half of the time, we were in that vague, what-are-we stage, and the other half of the time, we were bf-gf. Funny thing is, we were happier with each other when things were vague.

 

Wish me luck!

[trendyaznchica]

My plan was to go over to his place today and put forth my idea of trying again back going back to the relationship where we weren't just friends but not quite bf-gf. This plan got ruined just now.

 

I IMed him to say hey and ask him how his day was. He was fine talking about that. Then I asked him if he was busy and if I could come over. He said that he was doing some things, so then I asked if he would be around later tonight. He said that he likely would be. After I asked if we could talk then, he said, "OK, sigh"

 

This was all online. A bad choice, the phone would have been better, but what's done is done. Do I have any hope of getting the chance to ask him to try again? Should I do NC for a few weeks and see what happens? He was so sweet a few days ago after we broke up. I haven't talked to him since that night, but now he's being very cold.

[Ssheena]

Ugh. I think he is trying to break up with you "gently". I don't know if anything good will come of talking with him. He obviously doesn't want to hurt you but I sense that he might feel you are pushing him to be blunt and to the point (hince his being very cold now - hoping you get the message).

Find out what you want to know from him, get your questions ready and imagine what you could hear. The good and the bad. You will have your answers once and for all but be prepared for him to hear what you don't want to hear.

You are assuming that he is unsure about his feelings and indecisive. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he is really clear that he doesn't want to be in a commited relationship. You will have to ask direct questions to get clear answers.

Good luck.

[trendyaznchica]

So I worked through my questions, envisioned what he would say in the worst case scenario, and did all that mental preparing. I want him to answer my questions, but right now, I think he has a mental block against me, and I can say or ask anything I want until I'm blue in the face, and it'll just bounce off of him. He doesn't want to hear from me, so I feel like I will get less of the truth and more of the angry responses to get me out of his life ASAP. I am doing NC for about a month to see if he will contact me out of want and not need outside the times we will inevitably run into each other in public and probably intoxicated.

 

And you're right, maybe he really is sure that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, which is probably why he was happier when our relationship wasn't "official," even though nothing changed after it became "official."

[Ssheena]

Good for you. Sometimes as hard as it may be, you just have to step away for awhile and see what happens.

You two have been a part of each others lifes for so long. Trust that things will work out like they should (however that might be).

[Cioriel]

I think it might be a good idea to try to take an honest look at why twice now you guys haven't worked out. Because if you're ever going to be together and it's going to work, something has got to change because there is something that currently is not working for you two.

 

I'm a big believer in the idea of getting a second chance but not third or fourth chances, and there are a couple of reasons. First off, I would think that if both parties wanted it to work, breaking up once would be enough of a wake up call to not let it happen again. A committed relationship takes commitment, and obviously for one or both of you that commitment isn't there, for whatever reason. That's why I think it is important to look at why you've broken up twice now.

 

I think another important thing to look at is that you've been doing all the talking and while he has obviously been very patient and has been listening, he still needs his time to think. I"m not sure who broke up with who, but chances are that you both need your time to think about your own personal weaknesses in the relationship, why you guys haven't worked out so far, and what exactly you want out of a relationship - independent of each other. To me that is the only way getting back together works - something has to be different or else it'll all end up down the drain again.

 

Let us know how things are going.

[trendyaznchica]

He and I agree that the first time, which was in high school, we didn't work because we were really naive and madly in puppy love and because we never got to see each other outside of school. We cared about each other, but it was shallow, in retrospect. I know that the relationship left a lasting impression on him too because even after 4 years, he made the effort to apologize for treating me badly after the breakup. I feel that he wouldn't have done that if he just didn't care.

 

This time, we're in college, and we're more cautious and grown-up from our individual life experiences and from our experience with each other. I feel that we did fix the problems from the first relationship this time. The "L" word was avoided for the most part and never said with the other two words. We saw each other a good amount, but we didn't crowd each other's space.

 

He broke up with me both times, and I have been doing all the talking, but I also feel like I've been doing all the thinking too. He just has a very calm, rather nonchalant, "go with the flow" personality, so I feel like he's not actively thinking about how to fix the flaws in the relationship since it was obviously a lot of effort on his part to come to a decision about breaking up. This could obviously be me just being paranoid, of course.

 

We've changed so much as people and essentially grown up (partly) since our relationship in high school that hopefully, a third chance isn't out of the question.

[Cioriel]

You and your ex sound similar to the way mine and I were (we are now back together). It sounds like the bottom line is that no matter how much you've thought and talked to him, he still needs the time to think and decide whether he feels he made the right decision. I went to a counselor when my ex and I broke up and she made a really good point to me that made a huge difference to me. She told me that I was overcommunicating to make up for his lack of communication, and I realized this had been a problem all along in our relationship. I don't know if this is the case with you two, but it sounds like it's the problem since you've been broken up. The only thing left that you can actively do I think is to tell him that you'd like him to open up to you about what he thinks your problems are/were and do your best to really think about what he says and evaluate whether you think they can be fixed. Dont' assume right now that you "know" they can be fixed, because honestly you don't even know exactly what is going on with him and what he's thinking. You bombarding him with your thoughts isn't going to help - he needs to think about all this himself, and, as I said, all you can do is think about what he says and tell him honestly whether you feel the problems you have are ones that can be resolved.

 

A third chance isn't out of the question, but there's nothing you can do at this point, really. That's really hard to grasp sometimes, I know, but you've told him how you feel and that's all you can do. You telling him again and again isn't going to do anything - he knows how you feel. Now he needs to figure how he feels and you can let him know that you'd like to hear any thoughts he has about all of it.

 

You didn't really talk about any real problems you guys had the second time around that would have caused a breakup....are you confused as to his reasons for breaking up? That might be something to ask him or to think about yourself.

 

What it comes down to is that both people have to be willing to try - that's what a relationship is...it's not soul mates or "meant to be." One of my favorite quotes every is from the tv show friends when monica tells chandler "I don't believe in soul mates. I don't think we were destined to be together. I think we love each other and work hard at our relationship...some days harder than others."

 

Good luck with everything and remember that this is a time for you to find out who you are and explore other interests. Take care of yourself.

[trendyaznchica]

NC doesn't usually work this quickly, but after just a day of not speaking to him after the rather rude encounter online, I received a call from him last night. He wanted to talk, and to that, I just told him that I was giving him his space and time to think and reflect. In any case, we talked for a long time, mostly about mundane things, and agreed to see each other sometime next week for lunch.

 

The reasons we broke up the second time? When he broke up with me, he said that he tried and tried to be the man I wanted him to be but that he felt he just couldn't. I think that we both felt a lot of pressure to be the perfect significant other, and the harder we tried to be someone we weren't, the harder the relationship got. There could be a million other reasons why he decided to break up with me, but that, I think, is the most plausible. It would sound, from that, that neither of us want to try overly hard at the relationship, but I think it's more that we went out of our way to make each other happy, sacrificing our own happiness and wants more and more often. An example would be the day of my birthday, when he basically slaved to make me happy the entire day, which is so out of character for him. It's situations like these to which I'm referring when I say that we tried too hard at the relationship.

 

Thanks, Cioriel, for passing along the advice about overcommunicating. I think in the back of my mind, I knew that I was compensating for his lack of communicating, but having someone tell me really drove the point home. And thanks Ssheena for the advice on the questions: it really consolidated my jumbled thoughts and questions about the relationship.

 

And thanks for all the well-wishes... it looks like things are taking a turn for the better, even if we don't end up getting back together! I'll keep y'all posted.

[celia]

why do you want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you.

 

find someone who WANTS to be with you... not someone who is telling you he doesn't. I hate to be so brutally honest, but it sounds like you are making all kinds of excuses for this guy. When a guy loves a woman, he wants to be with her.

 

It's not the end of the world if this guy isn't in love with you, it happens to all of us. The only way you will find the men who truly love you is by leaving the ones who don't.