I know my story is no different than most, but...

[Flyin in Clouds]

... I have not told my wife all of my feelings. I have begun the discussion, but I am easing into it.

 

Good. You need to get there and discuss all this with her and listen to her. You're supposed to be a team. Work as one. Play as one. You should help each other... that's the whole point isn't it? To help each other. Love each other?

 

I haven't gotten serious about counselling.

Well... like the advise on the board, MC can be good or bad, helpful or harmful. As you say a lot of the councellors are crazier than you. Ulimately you have to be responsible for your own recovery.

 

I really do need to find out what will make me happy. I know(at least I think) my wife really loves me. She tells me she does all of the time. Her actions seem to indicate that she does. Sometimes I doubt that though, thinking she just may be in self-preservation mode, seeing the same consequences of divorce that I do.

Aks her what she means when she says she loves you. And you had better be prepared to answer what it means when you say you love her.

 

... and yet I still have doubts about my feelings.

Anyone that doesn't have some doubts is probably lying.

 

 

By the way, I'm pretty sure wife swapping is out of the question too.

You never know until you ask...

 

Years ago I brought up the subject with my wife and got a no thanks... oh well. But the thing is if she had been interested I might have been too with the right couple in the right circumstance. You never know.

 

Being horny guys my wife's best friend's H and I discussed swapping and decided we couldn't sell the girls and if we even mentioned it they might do us great bodily harm...

[EmotionallyYours]

I can pretty much filter out the idiots. It's the posters like MS and EY that give me troubles. Both of them could be my OW, by the way. So familiar. I only wish that there were more success stories on this board. Like yours. Not a lot of those lately.

 

Yeah! I'm NOT an idiot!! thanks SOB... you made my day! lol Truthfully... I WAS kind of feeling like an idiot today. I'm sorry I may have caused more confusion in your thought process, but I AM glad that you and MS at least understand the feelings.

[EmotionallyYours]

I am sure I am not your OW, because I have not made any physical contact with anyone I have had any attraction to!

Can't speak for EY....

 

Affirmative. As of 11:47 PM Eastern time... I have NOT made any physical contact. Not even a peck on the cheek! Another day of SUCCESS (or failure... depending on your point of view!

 

Hey....wait a sec... FIC... maybe you can talk my H into the wife swapping idea? Tomorrow is a new day after all.

[EmotionallyYours]

You know,

I think the nature of the topic of this thread is obviously very polarizing.

(Am I the Master of the Obvious, or what? )

 

I used to be in the "Black and White" camp when it came to fidelity and marriage, in general. It was a commitment made, and it was to the death. No matter what, short of wife-beating, child-abuse, substance-abuse and the like.

 

I have no f*cking idea when I (allowed myself to???) cross over to the Dark Side of the Moon...I sure as hell didn't plan it, and I wish every day that I weren't here.

 

But, nevertheless, this is where I find myself.

And I know, despite the impression many here will get, I am NOT a BAD person. And I doubt that SOB or EY are, either.

 

YES MUSTANG!!

 

Are we just too philosophical perhaps? I always say that I KNOW right from wrong and WANT to do the wrong thing. However, deep down I think I am also a good person at heart. I really do care and like to help people. I feel that I give people a chance when others won't.... etc... I am NOT a bad person damn it! Then why do I WANT something bad?

 

I think part of the internal battle is that we are also questioning society's view of what is right or what is wrong. Are we just arrogant or is there merit?

 

Why is it so wrong that I want another man? My body knows what I want when I am near him. Why do we finish each others sentences when we haven't even known each other for very long? Why do I just smile when I look at him... I just can't help it! Why is that so WRONG? I did NOT mean for it to happen. I also did not MEAN to let my relationship with my H weaken so much.

 

I have never been very good at discipline and it seems that everyone is preaching that REALLY HARD WORK is the only thing that will keep your marriage safe/strong. The only thing that would have protected me from being attracted to another man is "Constant Vigilance" like a relationship version of Mad-Eye Moody? Yeah... I just referenced Harry F-ing Potter... you got a problem with that? . The point is... why is something that is so "right" feel so unnatural to maintain?

 

Why is a decision that I made when I was essentially a child something that cannot be reversed? Why can't it be just a bad choice and acknowledged as such? Yes... I know it "can".... but my parents and sister WON'T accept it. My kids probably won't accept it (but much more likely to). My husband CERTAINLY won't accept it. Others will view this as a failure and such a bad thing. Maybe it is NOT a bad thing. Maybe we are just continually trying to fit square pegs in round holes and wonder why society is so screwed up?

 

Tune in tomorrow... for a complete reversal of everything that I posted today. It's fun to watch someone becoming schizophrenic! Maybe I should charge admission?

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

 

And I agree with the honesty you are advocating. I have always found that even when I think it will be painful (and sometimes it is), I can at least sleep with myself at night when I know I've been honest with myself and those I interact with.

 

That is why I'm having difficulty understanding SSOB's reluctance to talk HONESTLY with his W about what is really going on in his head.

Because honesty is one of the hardest things to do with someone that matters to you.

 

It's a huge risk. What if his wife's recation to his honesty is to walk out? Or worse, stay but make his life miserable.

 

I can honestly tell a hooker what I want in bed. Try those things with my wife and I might get shot. No I've never done a hooker. But with someone that isn't my wife, that I don't have to live with, that doesn't matter if they leave the next morning... I can be a whole lot more uninhibited than with my wife, who will be there in the moring and who I do have to live with.

 

I tried the subject of the backdoor - once - and that didn't go over well at all. So I learned not to bring things up cause I'd get shot down. I told her once maybe I'd tie her up and have my way with her and her repsonce? "Why do you always like kinky stuff". ... "Oh, I don't know honey, maybe because I thought we'd both enjoy something a little different than the old missionary position? Just to spice things up..."

 

When we were kids, back in the stone age, we did it all over the house, several times a day. I used to catch her in the kitchen before she'd leave for work, flip her skirt up and put a smile on both our faces for the day. That doesn't happen anymore. Nope, she's gone Church Lady on me. sigh.

 

Is it easy to talk to her about this stuff? Nope. Knowing the likely reaction... it's inhibiting.

 

The other factor is I really don't want to hurt her. So I don't bring up tihngs that I would like to do, but I know she's not interested in. Like swapping. And that's frustrating.

 

Honest communication between couples is really hard because you have to be willing to say things that might hurt and you might have to hear things you really don't want to hear. Most people do try to avoid conflict because it's painful. Nobody likes hitting their thumb with a hammer except a masocist.

 

Another question for you, FiC.

 

Regarding your option 1), as outlined in your post, above:

At what point does one decide that the M is not fixable?

What are the signs that you have arrived at that destination?

I don't know. Varies, depending on the couple. Have you really tried everything? Have you told your H, point blank, "Honey, I'm going to have a lover. Would you like to apply for the job or should I get someone else?"

 

I also forgot option 5. Jumping off a bridge... also not a "good" solution.

 

I guess the answer depends on what you want and if there is any hope of you getting it and then weighing what is least bad option. Is giving up 30 years of history, splitting up the home, setting a bad example for the kids, making their holiday choices harder, the financial and emotional strain worth the potential gain? (Potential because you may gain nothing so all that pain of divorce was for nothing...). Cheating was out because I promised I wouldn't. And breaking my word means I would dishonor myself. Similarly with divorce. It too would be breaking my vow of "for worse", and dishonorable. Yet, going from a very active sex life to virtually nothing over a period of a few years, I had to wonder if my wife was having an affair and that's why she lost interest (menopause was part of the problem. she went of the pill and was afraid of getting pregnant. but that was only part of it.). I figured she just didn't love me anymore - depressing when you think the love of your life just doesn't care anymore. Of course she also figured I didn't love her anymore because we were in downward spiral of neglecting each other.

 

So I hadn't tried every last thing, but 3 and 4 weren't options. 2 was totally depressing so 5 - jumping off the bridge seemed like the only "good" way out. Of course it wasn't but that's what depression can do.

 

I decide instead of jumping to lay it on the line with my wife. Like I said I told her was going to have a mistress, I'd like it to be her but... I wasn't going to go on living without sex. Something had to change.

 

Her response to that was I was just all about getting my own rocks off and go ahead and find a bimbo ... It took me a while to get it through her thick skull that sex with her wasn't about just my needs but about being together as two lovers. That my greater need was to make love to a woman that appreciated my making love to her, that "wanted it" as much or more than I did. The best part of sex for me is watching her orgasm. Sure I enjoyed it too, but if I couldn't drive her to the big O I felt like crap. Gradually she began to understand, but man it took a lot of talk, candles and wine.

 

Now did that fix ALL the problems? Hell no. Far from it. But are things much improved? Yes. Do I need to do more work? Yes.

 

For me because of the value I place on family and my vows I don't think I've got any choice but to keep trying 1.

[bestadvisor]

So I don't bring up tihngs that I would like to do, but I know she's not interested in. Like swapping. And that's frustrating.

 

For me because of the value I place on family and my vows I don't think I've got any choice but to keep trying 1.

 

Are you really sure you will be ok knowing that another man is xxxxxxx you wife? Ever thought about that it might be fun at first, but what kind of emotional mess it can create and that you might never look at your wife the same way again because she was just with another man the other night?

[Mustang Sally]

I still care about my wife. There have been times that I have been truly in love with my wife. Right now is just not one of them. I know I love my kids. I know that I love being a family.

Good for you!

Yes.

I think there is definitely hope that you will come out of this "dry spell."

Good luck to you SSOB.

[Mustang Sally]

Sally, I wrestle with the same issues over the years you, EY, SSOB and many other on her do. Wantng more. Feeling I'm not getting it. It's her fault. No wait it's my fault. No it's no one's fault. And it's so hard to try to fix. Should I cheat? Should I divorce? Can I fix it? Is this as good as it gets?

You are singing my song, FiC.

This is EXACTLY what I have been having an internal (and external, because H knows about it...) stuggle with for the last several years.

WTF?

Like EY says, Why does this sort of doubt/trouble come into one's life? How the hell did I let that happen?

 

And what to do....

That's a whole thread in itself.

I feel that I have contributed to hijacking SSOB's thread. Maybe will start a new one to address your (and EY's and others) latest posts.

Because THIS issue, that you have described so aptly (when I have failed to put it into words appropriately) is what brought me here, to LS, in the first place...

 

Thanks for your opinions, BTW.

All of you.

Very helpful and valuable to me.

[smartgirl]

MS and SSOB - thank you both for your notes of appreciation. I would like to think I could do someone some good through my various experiences.

 

To MS, SSOB and EY:

 

I would like to tell my lengthy story, or parts thereof, just to explain the source of my advice. Perhaps it will be a cautionary tale for you.

 

I know exactly what you all are going through. I've been there myself with a male coworker and I know the power that the obsessional thoughts of the other person can have on you. I know the feeling of being driven to mate with an OP and the cooresponding depletion of feelings for the person you chose as your life mate. Hmm, thrilling sex with a fantasy person (which most OPs represent - your soulmate - the person that knows exactly what you are feeling) and feeling personally validated OR the familiarity of real life and feeling that you are denying yourself for some increasingly unclear reason? When you think of it that way, it doesn't sound like much of a contest does it? (btw, I have read that anti-depressants can help to relieve the obsessional thinking that goes along with an emotional addiction)

 

I was also on the receiving end of my H's EA 20 years ago (we married very young) and I endured about 2-1/2 years of his struggle to regain his passion for me. I knew he loved me and he was commited to trying to work through his issues. He didn't really work through them though, he just suppressed them and waited it out. Honestly, I believe now that my EA 10 years after this was in some way related to the feelings of rejection I experienced during this time. Along with a slew of life stresses that left me feeling I needed validation as a desirable woman.

 

After both of these experiences, we had blissful periods of being deeply in love, having passionate frequent sex, having children and feeling like we had weathered the most serious relationship problems we were ever going to have.

 

But life got harder, we got older and neither of us had really learned any lessons after our experiences. I never told my H about my EA, though I think he knew I was distant. I believed it happened because this OM was so fun, my best friend and so openly appreciative of me. My H never addressed what it was that made him feel drawn to someone else - he believed that it was because she was so appealing, we married young, etc.

 

We loved each other so much and were so amazingly compatible that we never really saw that there were things in the dynamic of our marriage - primarily our failure to be able bring up our needs or to hear the other person's needs without getting defensive -- that were going to continue to cause problems for us. The other key element was that neither of us really understood what the other person needed to feel appreciated and valued. We each saw things from our own perspective and assumed the other person saw things in the same way. These aren't serious flaws, but they can allow small dissatifactions to grow over time.

 

Then we got a perfect storm. We were both feeling overloaded and unappreciated. I lost my sex drive (which had always been very high) and that made him feel unloved. A younger woman at work became very interested in him and he turned to her instictively for solice and validation. Unexpectedly, she kept driving the relationship forward and began urging him to leave me for her. As the initial infatuation began to wear off and he began to see that she wasn't really the right woman for him (and that I was) the R began to break apart. Still, he couldn't bring himself to break it off. But, he got sloppy and I found out. All that went took a year. (SSOB - look at the link below for "Anatomy of an Affair". That could have been written about my H and it will give you pause.)

 

In "After the Affair" the author says that sometimes we need to stand on the edge of losing something to realize how much we really want it. That is what happened for us. It took this nuclear explosion to make us start really talking and looking at how we interact with one another. The reading has really helped and MC has helped as well. The talking, nightly for many months and regularly since has helped the most. We have a real incentive to dig deep and get the root of our feelings. Namely, the desire to recover from this trauma and win each other back.

 

I say to each of you that while your efforts to stay the course in your marriage and avoid armageddon are heroic, you may need to set off your own nuclear explosion to really save your marriages. Otherwise, you risk being left unrequited and unfulfilled with your spouses never knowing that they need to worry and take the idea of change seriously. And you will never get to the root of what it is you are really looking for. Trust me, you won't find it in the arms of another person.

 

I would rather my H have come to me and tell me he was unhappy in the marriage, but wanted to work with me to fix it than the course of self-medication that he fell into. Yes, it would have been traumatic. It would have set off rounds of hurt feelings, harsh words, anxiety, hard discussions -- but it would have been better than dealing with his R with another woman. I would have known that what was most important to him was staying with me. And he wouldn't be dealing with the shame and knowledge of how he hurt me that may haunt him forever.

 

You have to follow the course that is right for you. But if you are thinking maybe your marriage is over, what have you got to lose by putting your cards on the table. Better to say you are thinking about it than you have already done it. If your spouse hears your pain and isn't willing to put the work into making the marriage better, then at least you will be able to say that you really did try to save it and you will know for sure that it is probably time to move on.

 

SSOB - here is the article:

http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=821784

[EmotionallyYours]

That really helped. I think what I really need is not people telling me what NOT to do...

 

"not having the A" -- Duh...

 

I need someone urging me to DO somthing

 

"get it out in th open with H"

 

You did that in a way that makes SO much sense. That is what needs BEAT into my head. I need the encouragement to face the confrontation that MUST happen.

 

Thanks.

[smartgirl]

EY - I'm glad my story helped. My H and I are both haunted by our failure to see the importance of those past experiences and seek help. But we knew we loved each other and we thought that was all we needed to know. Beyond that we thought avoiding a PA and committing to each other was all there was to do.

 

I sense however, that your H is very passive and a major conflict avoider. His response may be to say there is nothing wrong with the marriage and you don't need professional help. If so, I'd tell him that either he comes to MC with you or you want a separation. I just have a funny feeling you will have to escalate to get him out of his head in the sand mode. Good luck.

[bish]

 

 

OK, 3 is out. I'm just not going to do it again. You know, I truly don't think it's an issue.

 

You don't "think" its an issue? You don't sound real sure about that.

You must have your own doubts as to whether you will cheat again or not.

 

I truly have no idea whether I will pick 2 or 4. Let's pull for #1. I still care about my wife. There have been times that I have been truly in love with my wife. Right now is just not one of them.

 

Well if you don't love your wife, then why not pick #4 which was divorce?

 

You cheated on her and you don't love her, so why wouldn't you divorce and give her the chance to be happy?

 

I'm thinking of sitting down and laying it out on the table with my wife. I'm not going to incriminate the OW. I can't make the decision to ruin her family for her. I think I can get this done with that stipulation.

 

Not if your wife demands to know who she is. And really..she deserves to know if she asks. And if you don't tell her, then all you have done is proven that the OW means more to you than your wife and family.

 

But you already said you are not in love with your wife now...so really..what is there to think about? Get a divorce...set your wife free so she can find someone who won't betray her like this.

[EmotionallyYours]

EY - I'm glad my story helped. My H and I are both haunted by our failure to see the importance of those past experiences and seek help. But we knew we loved each other and we thought that was all we needed to know. Beyond that we thought avoiding a PA and committing to each other was all there was to do.

 

I sense however, that your H is very passive and a major conflict avoider. His response may be to say there is nothing wrong with the marriage and you don't need professional help. If so, I'd tell him that either he comes to MC with you or you want a separation. I just have a funny feeling you will have to escalate to get him out of his head in the sand mode. Good luck.

 

I think that he has been a major conflict avoider as I have been. However, I have always been the one to bring things up.

 

He knows that I am becoming emotionally distant and he recognizes it from before. His issue isn't that he thinks the marriage has no problems... his issue is with mental health care providers.

 

I tried to bring up counseling I think it was last weekend. He said that if it is that bad he will just leave. Then later when he observed and I confirmed that I felt depressed again he said that he might as well leave because he could never make me happy anyway. He said that if we could have afforded a divorce way back when the issues came to a head the first time, we would have. He says I have accepted that I am stuck with him... but still get depressed about it.

 

I'm afraid if I REALLY tell him how I feel (I only told him about maybe the tip of the iceburg last time) that he WILL leave. He will not stay to work on it. That would be really bad on my kids. Daddy is really more of the stabilizing force in the household with them. However, when he is not there... I really DO step up to the plate. The kids even noted how everything was going so smooth this week w/o him here. He usually takes care of getting things ready... preparing... and it is almost always chaos...lol

[smartgirl]

EY - previously you made him out to be "perfect." If you make a plea for his help in making your marriage better and his response is to say if it isthat bad I'll leave, that is emotional blackmail and bullying in my book. It also shows a shocking lack of interest in your well being.

 

You find an IC now. you don't need his permission and if it makes him leave then you are better off without him. I'm starting to get a picture of a marriage where you have been made to feel that he is better than you and you are lucky to have had him come along and save you from yourself. Now he is trying to keep you in your pumpkin shell.

 

Start with the IC and see where it leads. A PA with your OM obviously isn't the answer and you know that. Besides, it would just give you one more thing to feel bad about and one more thing for him to feel superior about and you get left with the feeling that the failure of the marriage is your burden alone. Not.

 

SSOB - I agree with one thing BISH said. If you disclose the existence of an OW you must be prepared to go all the way and tell her who it is. She will fixate on that for awhile - is she prettier, are her boobs bigger, what does she have that I don't. My H tried to avoid telling me and did so for about 7 months. I was ready to leave over it. What it meant was that he compounded the lies during the A with 7 more months of lying when he had told me he was telling me the whole truth and trying to protect her (and keep me from finding out they still worked together). His keeping that from me really delayed our progress. I couldn't begin to trust him again until I knew the honesty, privacy and exclusivity of our marriage was back. To me, any secrets he kept with her were a violation of our exclusivity. I'm not alone in thinking that way.

 

I am all for telling your wife that you are not happy and that you find yourself wanting attention from other women. If you tell her that you have had this experience with this specific woman, that will be the focus of your discussions for some period of time before you can move on to the issues between the two of you. I don't know, maybe it has to be that way. Maybe this OW is much more important to you than I have realized. If so, then maybe you do need to divulge that. It will sure make it hard for you to ever go down the road with her in the future. But otherwise, your wife will assume it is the platonic friend and there will be nothing to convince her otherwise.

[EmotionallyYours]

EY - previously you made him out to be "perfect." If you make a plea for his help in making your marriage better and his response is to say if it isthat bad I'll leave, that is emotional blackmail and bullying in my book. It also shows a shocking lack of interest in your well being.

 

You find an IC now. you don't need his permission and if it makes him leave then you are better off without him. I'm starting to get a picture of a marriage where you have been made to feel that he is better than you and you are lucky to have had him come along and save you from yourself. Now he is trying to keep you in your pumpkin shell.

 

Start with the IC and see where it leads. A PA with your OM obviously isn't the answer and you know that. Besides, it would just give you one more thing to feel bad about and one more thing for him to feel superior about and you get left with the feeling that the failure of the marriage is your burden alone. Not.

 

No.. he is not doing that. He really wouldn't be that cruel. It is more like... he must be a bad person so he will leave so everyone CAN be happy. Then he acts like the conversation never happens later. We were also talking about how long we were together and how I was barely 19 when we moved in together. He mumbled something about..."biggest regret for you I bet". I couldn't get him to repeat it because of kids proximity.

 

The conversations end abruptly because of some interruption and then he pretends like they never happened and he goes back to super loving husband.

 

This is probably ridiculous to even try to discuss... he has so many back issues and problems himself that I don't think I could possible ever even fathom what goes on in his brain. I really did stop trying that a long time ago. I could do a whole thread on H and his family. I usually leave him out of my threads because it is SO hard to interpret him. His reactions just never make sense to me so I don't over-analyze.

[Mustang Sally]

EY-

Sounds like your H has confrontation AND esteem issues (and who knows what else?).

I am utterly convinced by reading these latest posts of yours that he needs IC also. (Maybe we can all go together and get a group-rate?? )

 

Definitely going to be a challenging go with that guy, I think.

I wish you strength and the patience of Job.

Hugs to you.

[IamASelfishSOB]

SSOB - I agree with one thing BISH said. If you disclose the existence of an OW you must be prepared to go all the way and tell her who it is. She will fixate on that for awhile - is she prettier, are her boobs bigger, what does she have that I don't. My H tried to avoid telling me and did so for about 7 months. I was ready to leave over it. What it meant was that he compounded the lies during the A with 7 more months of lying when he had told me he was telling me the whole truth and trying to protect her (and keep me from finding out they still worked together). His keeping that from me really delayed our progress. I couldn't begin to trust him again until I knew the honesty, privacy and exclusivity of our marriage was back. To me, any secrets he kept with her were a violation of our exclusivity. I'm not alone in thinking that way.

 

I am all for telling your wife that you are not happy and that you find yourself wanting attention from other women. If you tell her that you have had this experience with this specific woman, that will be the focus of your discussions for some period of time before you can move on to the issues between the two of you. I don't know, maybe it has to be that way. Maybe this OW is much more important to you than I have realized. If so, then maybe you do need to divulge that. It will sure make it hard for you to ever go down the road with her in the future. But otherwise, your wife will assume it is the platonic friend and there will be nothing to convince her otherwise.

 

Bish is really not trying to be helpful, so I put him in my ignore list. I'm pretty sure the guy just has no tolerance for anyone that has ever cheated and figures we can all rot in hell. I don't know what he said, but I agree that if she demands to know who the OW is, I probably will have to tell her.

 

Listen. The OW does not mean more to me. The idea that there is another person out there that may be perfect for me is my problem. The reasons I don't want to go into it is that I am trying to avoid as much collateral damage as possible. I don't want to ruin her life or the lives of her husband and kids. Why would that be a good thing if I can make this work without it? It was one night and it hasn't continued. No one except you all know about it. If there is an issue when she returns to work, then I will have to deal with it. Otherwise, it's over and I can work on fixing myself and my marriage.

[Treatment]

When you say there is another woman out there who might be "perfect" for you what do you really mean? Do you mean a better emotional or sexual fit than your wife is or do you mean someone you never disagree with or what? Because no one is always a "perfect" fit. There are bumps and disappointments and ups and downs in all lives. I'm just fixing a mess I made in my life because I didn't deal with the issues in my marriage in a straight up fashion. Instead I got embroiled in a mess with another woman. So far my wife is working at fixing our problems with me so I have hopes that we will both be happier in the future than we were in the recent past.

[IamASelfishSOB]

When you say there is another woman out there who might be "perfect" for you what do you really mean? Do you mean a better emotional or sexual fit than your wife is or do you mean someone you never disagree with or what? Because no one is always a "perfect" fit. There are bumps and disappointments and ups and downs in all lives. I'm just fixing a mess I made in my life because I didn't deal with the issues in my marriage in a straight up fashion. Instead I got embroiled in a mess with another woman. So far my wife is working at fixing our problems with me so I have hopes that we will both be happier in the future than we were in the recent past.

 

Didn't mean to say that one exists. I only meant to say that after this happened, it made me think it was possible. I know better. Lord knows I am probably not perfect for anyone. That would be the biggest obstacle to overcome.

[ookla_2]

I totally understand what you are saying here, SOB, and I have felt the same way myself. I think most people in long marriages have wondered the same thing from time to time.

 

Not that we are wondering if there is someone "perfect" out there - just someone more compatible with us. Is that what you are saying?

[IamASelfishSOB]

I totally understand what you are saying here, SOB, and I have felt the same way myself. I think most people in long marriages have wondered the same thing from time to time.

 

Not that we are wondering if there is someone "perfect" out there - just someone more compatible with us. Is that what you are saying?

 

I'm saying that in my moment of weakness, my mind was playing tricks on me. If I assess who I am and who my wife is, my wife is probably as compatible as it gets.

[ookla_2]

Then you are truly blessed.

[IamASelfishSOB]

Then you are truly blessed.

 

I didn't say I was truly happy about it, I just have to figure out why.

[smartgirl]

SSOB - you are wondering is there is someone out there more perfect for you. My H wondered the same thing and that is what drove things along.

 

My H had never really had a relationship with another girl/woman before me. We've been together since we were 16. He regreted not having a lot more experiences, but felt he loved me and I was the right one for him.

 

Until his EA 20 years ago. He believed he would never be tempted by another woman. When he was, he made him doubt that I was really the right one. This experience led him to believe that there were probably a lot of other women out there who might be good for him, maybe better. But he decided that he did love me, though passion was knocked out for a couple of years, and had made a committment to me. So he moved forward retaining those doubts but making the decision to stick with his decision.

 

This more recent full blown affair brought him to a whole different level of understanding. After a year of the affair and a year+ of recovery, here is what he concluded (mostly in his own words);

 

o He described the experience with the OW as being in OZ. You think at first it is everything you've dreamed of and never had. But after a time, you realize that what you had before was what you really wanted after all.

 

o He had always believed (unknown to me) that a relationship that began with a high level of heat would be more satisfying in the long run. He thought compatability was relatively easy to come by or could be developed. But that heat (intense physical attraction) was harder to come by and therefore more precious. What he discovered was that once the heat began to wear off, he started to see that she did not have a lot of the qualities that he had with me and that were important to him. She had a really hot body and very sexually compelling presence. But she was lacking in a lot of other areas that the body really didn't compensate for.

 

o He realized that the things he had with me - being accepted for himself, loved for himself, shared world view and sense of priorities, shared sense of humor, common values and beliefs, etc - weren't actually all that easy to come by. And that we had more of an ability to add heat into our relationship than he did to add all these things into the relationship with higher heat.

 

He didn't actually realize how valuable those things were to him, and how valuable I was to him, until he almost lost them. I never knew they were important to him either, and now I know better what to pay attention to.

 

So there might be someone else out there. But you might have to lose something really valuable to you and kiss a lot toadettes to find something anywhere close to what you have now. My H had the "benefit" of finding out the hard way and knowing for sure. You will have to make a leap of faith and be willing to open yourself to all your marriage can be (not just what it is now), even without knowing for sure.

[IamASelfishSOB]

o He described the experience with the OW as being in OZ. You think at first it is everything you've dreamed of and never had. But after a time, you realize that what you had before was what you really wanted after all.

 

o He had always believed (unknown to me) that a relationship that began with a high level of heat would be more satisfying in the long run. He thought compatability was relatively easy to come by or could be developed. But that heat (intense physical attraction) was harder to come by and therefore more precious. What he discovered was that once the heat began to wear off, he started to see that she did not have a lot of the qualities that he had with me and that were important to him. She had a really hot body and very sexually compelling presence. But she was lacking in a lot of other areas that the body really didn't compensate for.

 

o He realized that the things he had with me - being accepted for himself, loved for himself, shared world view and sense of priorities, shared sense of humor, common values and beliefs, etc - weren't actually all that easy to come by. And that we had more of an ability to add heat into our relationship than he did to add all these things into the relationship with higher heat.

 

Truthfully, this about sums my situation up. I am realizing these things, but then I find myself slipping back and saying to myself, "If only she had that really hot body" or "If only she shared my sense of humor". I know I'm really chasing a pipe dream. I am just working on getting my life back to normal and doing some self-assessment to become a happier person.