Problems with friends at work

[urangel]

Friends at work seem to be mad at me for no reason, or atleast i cant think of anything that i did today - one minute they are talkin to me and the next they are going off together for lunch and not including me, evern after i asked them all what was for lunch and never getting a response but a "dont know". One of them is my supervisor, and today she just was ignoring me and giving me dirty looks and the others follow. This seems to be a constant thing with them, one day they are talkin and the next its like im just a piece of ****. It's hard for me just to stop talking with them altogether because i sit with them. I'd hate to get a new job because i love this job, minus the attitudes. I'm debating whether on going to my office manager and seeming like im a big baby, but i dont think i deserve to be treated this way. Any advice as to how i should go about dealing with things tomorrow at work?

[directx]

This is why when I started my new job I decided not to become friends with anyone at work. That is not to say I am not friendly. I just never let them in.

 

Ever watch that show Big Brother? That is the workplace when you think about it. People are just out for themselves in the end.

 

So I keep work work, and thats it. I eat lunch alone and only go when invited.

I share nothing personal and simply try not to do anything outside of work.

 

That way I don't get involved in 'cliques' or any of that garbage.

 

If I were you, i would just stop trying to mix in with them and do your job. Sounds like they tear you apart when you are not around and now they all have an agreed consensus about you.

 

I would just do your job, and be friendly. Its a riot to be really friendly and put on a big grin when in the back of your mind you are calling them an a-hole. Trust me.

 

Don't give them a reason to hate you and don't play their little game.

[urangel]

Yeah I'm sure I get talked about. But what kills me is I never did anything to them, even any of the other people they talk about. See it's hard for me to be phony, but I'm just going to have to suck it up and kill them with kindness it seems like. Do you think I should bring this up to the office manager, give her a heads up on how they are acting? Or should I just leave it alone?

[magda]

No, don't give the manager a heads up. You would essentially be telling on them for not wanting to have lunch with you. You will definitely look like a big baby unless you have a real complaint, not just "they don't seem to like me."

 

People who get mad over "nothing" and then gossip about it to each other aren't worth the drama of sucking up to more than necessary to make a reasonably pleasant work environment.

 

Unless you never pay for your own lunch or something or have really obnoxious table manners.

[directx]

Depends.

Keep the frame of mind its your word against theirs.

 

If they do something concrete, keep track of it in an email and mail it to yourself.

I have a mail folder called BS for example.

 

I wouldn't bring it up unless its necessary for some reason. Again, tell yourself you are just there to work and not socialize or play little revenge games. Let them do that crap.

 

Now, this allows them to get comfortable when they see you no longer are active. If they are jerks, they will get sloppy. Wait for this day to screw them over when they screw up. But always be innocent and stick to the facts about it. You will know what I mean when this day comes.

 

I decided the day i started that the people I work with are in the workplace with me. I am not in the workplace with them.

 

So keep your distance.

Keep professional.

Keep friendly.

Keep a history.

Keep them comfortable.

Then screw them with the facts of their own actions if the time comes.

WIth people like the ones you work with, just keep giving them rope until they finally hang themselves with it.

[urangel]

honestly i really don't know what i did to them. i think has to do with the fact that the other day my office manager came to my desk and basically asked me to look up this certain event and asked me if i wanted to go with her. after that, my supervisor, which is my office managers, assistant, seemed to get mad at me - she talked with me through emails here n there but then yesterday right before lunch i was the bad guy. i always pay for lunch and i never have bad table manners lol - this just happened out of the blue during the day. i dont know if i said something wrong to them in an email, but i cant think of anything bad that i said. i didnt say anything to my office manager, i decided i can handle my own battles and that it is petty to complain about. the only reason why i wanted to say something to her, was because she knows that this is a constant thing with them.

[urangel]

i hardly did any talking today, i walked in said a quick good morning which was shrugged off and said goodnight at the end of the day - i just sat at my desk and did work - i was friendly when i had to ask certain questions about work, and when my supervisor sent me an email about her going on vacation, i replied with "have a great vacation", i think its easy to tell that im dissapointed with them, but i dont care at this point, let it show.. i cant be fony, no matter hard i try. and yet again, they ordered breakfast and lunch without me. now the other two girls seem more mad at me then the first person i thought was really angry at me lol - its just all pathetic and im not going to take things back to that "friends" level with them anymore - i cant even trust my supervisor, can u believe this!?! tomorrow is a new day - the more the days go on the more i can put on a fake smile lol.

[huh]

Unfortunately the workplace can be like jr. high. The ones you specifically mention are female. I'm female too. What I see is that women are often afraid to directly confront someone about something due to the way we're socialized. So instead, there's the silent treatment, the dirty looks & excluding people from social activities.

 

The slight may have been completely inadvertent on your part or completely imagined on someone else's part. Instead of taking it up directly with you, she'll simmer over it for awhile and then talk to everyone else about it except you. It may not even be anything you've done to them. Maybe you got singled out for praise at work, or improved your appearance or started dating someone or got a new car or a nice home. My experiences with that type of behavior started right around the time the big boss told me in my evaluation that I had "management potential". And the results of my lifestyle changes (I've lost a little over 50 pounds) were just starting to become visible. Not coincidentally, of the 3 ringleaders, all were at the supervisory level and 2 were unhappy with their own weight (they trash talked a woman who'd lost over 60 pounds gradually with Weight Watchers, saying she was anorexic or bulimic).

 

When there's a dispute in an office, it's rare for anyone, male or female, to step in and try to mediate. Some people will stir the pot/add fuel to the fire because they enjoy the spectacle of co-workers not getting along. Since she's a supervisor, people will be afraid to align themselves with you and will make sure they align themselves with her. As more people get involved and more people make comments, things will be completely distorted and outright lies & rumors will spread.

 

One thing I've done with people like this in the past is go up to them and ask them if there's anything they'd like to talk to me about and/or if there's a problem (in a nice, non-confrontational way). For example, I heard from one co-worker that a supervisor (we had several at that job) was pissed off that I came in late (with advance notice) when I had to go to the dr. for follow up on a broken foot which was healing. She was going around telling everyone I should've scheduled it for a different time. I had already made my next follow up appt. so I made it a point to go to her and ask her if it was ok and was there an issue with my previous appt? Of course, she denied it. But that was typical of her. She would say all sorts of nonsense about people behind their back, but wouldn't say boo to their faces. It was a pretty toxic enviornment & I eventually left.

 

Just be sure they're not scapegoating/bullying (called mobbing in the UK) you though. That can easily spill over into the way you're treated workwise. That happened at the place I left to me and a whole series of other people. Some info about scapegoating, etc.:

 

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/workabus.htm

 

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mobbing

 

http://www.law-office.demon.co.uk/art%20mobbing-1.htm

 

If you are being scapegoated, just start looking for another job. You can try to go to the office manager who claims to be concerned about scapegoating behavior. I did that (within my dept) when I was being scapegoated because the big boss made a lot of noise about how she didn't want people being scapegoated. If they really were committed to eradicating scapegoating, there wouldn't be scapegoating in the office, now would there? They are either unwilling or unable to do anything meaningful about it. I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to deal with the situation.

[stillafool]

I say do not say anything to your manager. Just be nice, do your work and go to lunch by yourself. Don't beg to be their friend. You are better off to find your friends outside of your job. It is much better to not get into any clicks at work and to be on your own. This will keep you from becoming involved in office politics and gossip. At first it may seem hard but you will be much happier in the end.

[Kittiecat]

To the OP - How long have you been at your job? I ask because a lot of times in an office setting you sort of have to earn your stripes to be included. My office is definitely that way. Most of my co-workers are older than me we had little in common when I started. I'd get blank stares and no one was particularly friendly. It didn't help I had absolutely zero experience in my field and had to ask questions all the time. As I became seasoned in my position, it became obvious I wasn't going anywhere and people warmed up.

 

As for people seeming "mad" - I am very much guilty of this when I'm VERY busy. It's usually nothing personal, but sometimes if I'm stopped for a question I think to myself "This answer could have easily been found through maybe 5 minutes of independent thinking, why is she bugging me with this?!" Yes, I'm a b*tch.

 

Anyway, just keep your nose to the grindstone. Your co-workers will most likely come around eventually.

[Magnatolia]

I'm going to take an educated guess that they're upset because the office manager invited you to an event with him/her and the others are jealous.

 

Instead of constantly writing 'I don't know what I did to them', ask them. Say 'what's with the attitude?'

 

And for the record I disagree with the comments directx wrote. Sure, if you work with a-holes then his advice is spot on. However not everybody can be dumped into that particular basket. In my job I work as a temp for a large organisation so I'm constantly moving around meeting new people. So if I don't get along with someone, it's only a matter of time before I leave. Although for the record after 5 years I'm yet to meet someone I didn't at least have a working relationship with.