Long and complicated

[sleeper057]

Hi, I'm new, and I need some advice.

 

I just was dumped by my boyfriend a week and a half ago. Apart from feeling misrible, I want him back. I know it's normal to feel this way, but I still feel that the breakup can be mended.

 

We had been dating for almost 3 years, and right now he is residing in a city an hour and half drive away while he goes to college. I'm going to college in our hometown of Austin, and he will be moving back here in about six weeks.

 

Last year, I cheated on him several times with one guy, and he eventually found out around September. I feel awful, and wish I could undo my mistakes, but I know there is nothing I can do. Even though he was very upset, he still loved me and wanted to be with me, so our relationship continued.

 

Everything seemed to be going pretty well, and though I knew he was occasionally still bothered by it, we got along fine. The distance was a little hard to cope with sometimes, but we seemed to be toughing it out ok.

 

We had mutually decided to have an "open relationship" sexually since we were each other's first and we thought, since we wanted to spend our lives together, that we should at least 'experiance' other people. That's when this other girl came into play.

 

She seemed interested in having sex with him, which was fine by me. She was in the same town as him, but at a different college. They had sex sporadically totally about four times, but this didn't really bother me. What began to bother me was how much time he began to spend with her, and how she would say mean things about me to his face. She played a lot of mind games with him, and even his best friend who is rooming with him says he is whipped to her, even though they weren't dating. It hurt me, but I tried to deal with it.

 

Last month, he told me he wanted to take a break. I was pretty hurt by this, but he said he wasn't planning on dating anyone, that he just wanted "to be single". I didn't really accept that excuse, and about a week later he told me that he was still not over what I had done in the past, and that it hurt him every day. I was surprised, since he had never mentioned it before, his reasoning being that he "didn't like seeing me cry" when we talked about.

 

Though we were on a break, it didn't feel too much different. Three weeks ago, on my spring break, he drove down late at night to come get me just so I could spend a couple of days with him at his dorm. He still seemed so sweet...

 

Then, about 2 weeks ago, I got a vicious IM from the other girl, calling me a bitch and saying she had my boyfriend "wrapped around her finger". It hurt, and it hurt even more when I found out that he was sitting right there next to her letting this conversation go on. I tried to call him that night, but he didn't pick up the phone, and he didn't until the next evening. He apologized, saying his phone was on silent, and he would see me the next night, when he was coming into town.

 

I called him the following night, and he said he was too busy to see me, since he had brought that girl in and was spending time with her. I went out with my friends, convince I would see him the next day. I called his best friend around 1a.m. to see if they were still hanging out, which they weren't, but he warned me that my boyfriend was about to break up with me.

 

Angry and upset, I had a friend take me to his parents house so I could confront him. It was very unpleasent, and he still broke up with me. He said he doesn't love me anymore, but part of me doesn't believe him.

 

Now I'm hurting and very confused. All of our friends say he has been brainwashed by this girl and that things will get better, but I'm just so scared and I miss him so badly. He wants to be friends, but I want it all.

 

He also wanted answers as to why I cheated on him, and I'm seeing a therapist now for myself, and hopefully I can give him those answers, but I need help... I also need help coping, because I feel if I can talk to him and spend time with him that he will want me back...

[Tony T]

You have to take full responsibility for this one. First, you cheated on him. Then you wanted an open relationship and had no problem with him having sex with other people.

 

When to people truly care about each other, they don't turn the other loose to screw other people. They also don't screw others themselves.

 

I think the timing was way off on this one. I don't think either of you are ready for a permanent, forever type relationship. And that's OK. Once you get in one, it's a long road.

 

Your best bet is to cease contact with him and heal. I know you think you want him back but sometimes in life you just have to trust in the universe that things will take care of themselves. To the extent that you can let go of this and go forward with your life, trying not to repeat the mistakes you've made in the past, is the extent to which you will be happy.

 

Remember, the goal in love is not to have a particular person...but to achieve happiness and fulfillment in a love relationship with the RIGHT person. Trust in yourself and the universe that this will happen for you. Don't try to force it. It just doesn't work that way.

 

Try your best not to be down or depressed, and by all means forgive yourself for any mistakes you have made.

 

The very best for you is yet to come.

[witchbreed]

I think - like Tony - that you have to go on with your life without your ex.

 

Sure it hurts and it will take time to cope. You have hurt each other pretty bad and in ways which are nearly impossible to heal.

 

That you have cheated is one thing, bad in itself, but that he found out not through you but in another way, will allways make him wonder about you. Mistrust will be an issue therefore.

 

Something about the whole story is fairly typical. In general men tend to be more jealous in a sexual way then women (historically men never could be sure about parentship and therefore needed a faithful partner) and women tend to be more jealous about emotional bonding (historically women needed an emotionally bonded partner to raise the kids together), therefore its quiete natural for him having difficulties forgiving your cheating and for you to be starting to feel upset, when he started to emotionally bond to his former "casual" sex-partner, who is now his girlfriend.

 

Furthermore its rare that the first love last a lifetime.

 

Get over him, therapy might help you find out about your cheating AND to cope with your break up. Grieve for what you lost and then go on with life, hopefully having learned a great deal about yourself and relationsships.

 

All the best.