Has Anyone Gotten Back Together and IS Happy?

[mikefromnc]

I would like to hear from someone who did the no contact thing and that worked to get their significant other to miss them and come back to the table to talk. I am only four days into a break up and have not contacted her, and have been advised by family and friends and people on this site not to contact her. I would want to die if two weeks from now she says I would have come back if you had put up a fight. This sucks. Please somebody give a guy a little hope. I am starting to reallize that it may be gone, but am not at the point of saying that for sure.

[mikefromnc]

Well I see several people have read this thread no one has responded. GREAT!

[heartoutside]

Well, I think we need a little more info. If you feel you should talk to her or say something then do so, but you may be taking the risk of pushing her away even more by doing so. And it's impossible for anyone to judge esp other posters on here without a story, even then it's hard for a fellow poster to give solid advice. I"m sure there are thousands of people who did the NC thing and it worked out in the end. But every single situation is different and there is no easy answer. This isn't like a math equation, where you know if your solution will be wrong or rigth even before you start to solve it.

 

If she asked for space and time, then give it to her. They only thing(s) you have to work with are the things you already know. You don't know what will happen several weeks from now. You just know what she and you have already said. If it's space she wants then give it to her.

[Lyssa]

Yup - we need more info. The more we know of your situation, the more people can help you...

 

Usually, when you're in NC - it's best if you give the other party some space. Both of you should take the opportunity to think about WHAT you REALLY want!

[capuchin8]

Family and friends are never as good at giving advice as your own gut. I stopped relying on my family and friends for relationship advice..they are not nearly as vested in my relationship as I am. But it sounds like she broke up with you.. Yeah, me and my boyfriend have broken up a few times over the course of our relationship and the time made us think about how much we appreciated each other and really wanted to be together. So a few weeks from now she may call. But if I were you I would call her and let her know that she is everything that you want right now and you love her but you may or may not still be available when is she does come around because you are going to be moving on. That will at least pressure her to think about what she really wants a little harder.

[ahah2322]

me . however, i did not do the no contact thing to get him back. it was for my own well-being. read my posts if you wanna know more.

 

i don't think no contact is about manipulating other people though. it should be a time off to reflect and improve oneself. like the other lsers, i have little knowledge regarding your situation so i may have dispensed irrelevant advice. do tell us more to garner better advice from fellow enlightened lsers.

 

in any case, stay strong.

[trendyaznchica]

I am only a week or so into a breakup, and after having little contact (it was friendly when we did run into each other), I have decided that in my case, NC will cause my ex to just fall out of my life because of his personality. He's very calm and relaxed and never panics about anything. Once he realizes that I'm not putting any effort forth, he would probably just shrug it off and think that I really don't ever want to talk to him again.

 

So basically, like everyone else has been saying, go with your gut. You can do the NC thing or you can fight for it (but don't beg!) depending on your personality and your ex's personality.

 

Friends and family are great, but in my experience, they give the same canned advice every time something happens. I've been through two major breakups with two completely (and I mean completely) different guys, and the advice/words I got from them both times was, "You're better off. You're too good for them. You'll find someone better. Don't talk to him." Every person is different.

 

It's a hard call, though, I admit. On the one hand, you could fight for her, and she might see this as a sign of weakness and be pushed away. But on the other hand, you force yourself to pretend like she fell off the face of the Earth, but she might think that NC is really what you want forever. You know you best, and you know her too, so I would say to try to fit your actions to your personalities.

[mikefromnc]

She is the type of person you can't tell to do something, because that will make her want to do the total opposite. What I am really considering is sending a letter telling her I am not playing games, that I am hurt but still care. I am not going to beg her to come back to me. I am also wondering if we did get back together would she do this again. I don't know that I could trust her not to hurt me again. I feel paralyzed, whatever I do may be the wrong thing, but desperately don't want her to think that I hate her or don't care whether or not we get back together. I feel like I am thinking and talking in circles. I can't eat, can't sleep, it is all I think about. She was in a relationship before where she was really hurt by someone but tried to stick it out and was just hurt worse. Her mom thinks she may have become "hard hearted" because of it.

I don't understand how she could give someone who hurt her so many chances and just give up on us.

[trendyaznchica]

She sounds like me. I am stubborn, and telling me to do something makes me run the opposite direction and do the opposite thing, even if it's not what I really want. I was also in a relationship once when I was hurt very badly, but I stuck it out, thinking that things would turn around, and they did all right... for the worse. Because of that relationship, I was very wary of my next bf, and I was kind of hard-hearted with him in the beginning. He pursued me, and I pushed him away.

 

I think writing a letter is a good idea, as long as you do follow up on it. Give her a call a week or so after you give her the letter and ask about her thoughts on it. It will give her more time to think about the letter, and the extra time that a letter gives that a conversation can't might let her get over her stubbornness and cause her to step back and look at the big picture.

 

Good luck!

[celia]

my ex broke up with me a little over a year ago, he broke my heart. he came back after 8mo. i tried... but i could not do it.

 

he left me for what he says "wasn't" another woman, but he was dating a new woman within weeks of our breakup. he dated her until he came back to me.

 

he showed up at my door step and i took him back. i did not know how hard it would be to trust him again... and i'm sad to report i couldn't trust him again.

 

i always wondered when he'd decide to leave again on his own whim. i'm sure we love each other at the core, but the fact that he walked out on me 1 year ago says alot. you don't walk out on the ones you love.

 

we broke up last week after being back together 8mo. i wanted to believe it could work the 2nd time around, but it couldn't.

 

sigh.

[KneelBeforeZod]

Well you may not like this story. I created another post with the full story (can't find the link now). But basically I dated a girl for about 5.5 years, we were engaged, and she dumped me because of what amounted to cold feet for the wedding. 3 weeks ago, after 5 years of no contact, she found me online, we met up, the sparks flew, and now we're giving things another chance. We started seeing each other at the end of high school, just like you.

 

The thing about no contact is that you have to give up, move on, get on with your life. If there's communication issues or long term resentment issues or things like that hanging around, sometimes time apart -- A LOT of time apart -- is the only thing that will clear the slate.

 

Looking back I was absolutely devastated at the time, but I became a much stronger person because of the experience. My attitude, after the initial bereavement, was to simply let the cards fall. I said to myself, "If things are meant to be, they will happen. If not, SOMETHING will happen, and I will make the best of it." That determination served me very well. I didn't realize there were accepted ways to get back a person who didn't want you. I just sort of figured that if she wanted me back, she would find me. And sure enough, she did.

 

As for right now -- I am happier now than I ever was when we were dating the first time. I have learned so much about relationships and people in general, and so has she. We laugh now about the things we argued about in the past. It's definitely the strangest dating experience I've had, since we know each other very well, but then again we don't, since we've grown so much.

 

I can't promise you that 5 years from now she'll find you and you'll live happily ever after. If you would have asked me a month ago if I'd ever see her again, I'd have told you that she hurt me so much that there was no chance we'd be together. But you really do owe it to yourself to put yourself back together and try to make the best of the situation. I know exactly what you're going through and you have all my sympathy. Hang in there.

[Nanachu]

I am. Please read my past posts if you would like.

NC helped me recover from the break-up, really look into who I am and who I want to be with. NC helped me think about my issues, his issues, and our issues.

 

But, NC is not the final solution for us to be happy right now. NC may be bring your ex back, but that's it. After coming back together, I certainly had a challenging time trusting him not to break-up with me again.

 

He and I had good communication up-front what was wrong and what we are going to do. He has weaknesses, but is a good person. It has been slightly over 4 months since we had strated to date again, so I won't say my story is THE success story. However, we are doing well. I am very happy. Break-up helped me appreciate him being himself.

 

Having said that, he is the only guy in my entire life who I gave the second chance. So, it is not for everyone and every situation.

 

Good luck,

[CaliGuy]

I am only a week or so into a breakup, and after having little contact (it was friendly when we did run into each other), I have decided that in my case, NC will cause my ex to just fall out of my life because of his personality. He's very calm and relaxed and never panics about anything. Once he realizes that I'm not putting any effort forth, he would probably just shrug it off and think that I really don't ever want to talk to him again.

 

The way I am reading the paragraph above, it seems to me you misunderstand what NC is really about.

 

It isn't to be used as a tool to manipulate your ex back into your life.

 

It's simply the best defense against a broken heart and dare I say, even the best medicine. The sooner you purge an ex from your system by using NC the sooner you can move on to bigger, better things.

 

Those who use NC as a way to try and win their ex back suffer complete failure. In the end they delay their healing by months or even years.

[Scorpio13c]

The way I am reading the paragraph above, it seems to me you misunderstand what NC is really about.

 

It isn't to be used as a tool to manipulate your ex back into your life.

 

It's simply the best defense against a broken heart and dare I say, even the best medicine. The sooner you purge an ex from your system by using NC the sooner you can move on to bigger, better things.

 

Those who use NC as a way to try and win their ex back suffer complete failure. In the end they delay their healing by months or even years.

 

I'd have to disagree with Cali on some of his statements, as he says them with a "Matter of fact" tone.

 

No Contact does not have to mean "Manipulate" if someone uses it whether they want their ex back or not. In many scenerios it has helped people return to the talking table. That's not to say second chances will or will not work, I simply mean it can & has worked for myself & others i know, in the past.

 

I do agree however, that once initiated, one must use it with the attitude that you are moving on & healing yourself.

 

From experience, I can tell you that absolute NC has always assured that i would hear back from a ex sometime down the road, however i was usually already moved on by those times.

 

Scorp

[ellastar]

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago and I was finally able to move out on Sept. 1. My goal is to have NC/LC as possible with him for at least a month, then I told myself, I would re-evaluate my feelings for him. Possibly they are gone and the anger has subsided and I might decide I do really want to be with him again.

 

He has told me and his friends that he wants us to stay friends. I wonder why since he has not stayed friends with any of his ex gf's, so why would I be any different? But since our relationship was ideal, we never fought, he just said he stopped having feelings for me (after 2 years together & 7 months living together), I feel that the timing was simply not right (he also is turning 30 this year & felt he is too young to settle down, sensing pressure from me about marriage & kids - which is a whole other story - we talked about it).

 

So I agree, NC is to be used as a time to reflect on yourself and your life, not as a means to manipulate your ex. If in a month I still feel I want to try to get him back, then I will try. If not, then I've used that time to move on & am behaving as if I am.

[myhotrod123456789]

My ex from a 5 year relationship broke up with me about a year ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her still. For months after breaking up, I thought I needed to prove myself. I think it is a natural reaction. I did several things that I think stressed the relationship even more and just made seem needy and unattractive.

 

But I have had the opportunity to come from the other side soon after that break up. I dated this other girl. I liked her and her company helped me get over my old ex, but things got serious much faster than I wanted. She really liked me a lot and eventually I had to end it because I started feeling guilty.

 

My point here is that in many of the cases that I read on here, it isn't a matter of not being clear what you want. If someone broke up with you because they said "I don't feel any affection from you and I feel like I am wasting my time with you because you don't make it clear what you want", then the remedy would be to fight for them. To make it clear that you want to be with them. Any other reason, there is nothing you can do. You can't make someone feel something.. and if you think you can, then you are fooling yourself. You can turn yourself around and be confident and attractive, but you can't convince someone to feel some way with your words. Your ex may feel nostalgic and sad that things aren't the way they were. But that doesn't mean that is what they want now or in the future. It sucks, but that's life.

 

It's been said a million times, but the best thing you can do is focus on you. Being friends with an ex isn't advisable, but it really depends on the circumstances of the specific relationship. If you still do keep in touch, don't talk to your ex about your relationship if they broke up with you. They should be fighting to get back together with you. The way I look at it now is that I don't want to get stuck in a relationship where neither of us is happy. If you think you would be happy, then you need to let them make that step towards you. Until then, go do something constructive for yourself or a friend.