Blunt honesty?

[BlueSoul]

Part 4:

So now at this point everything between us was now a totally different position, and was the first that I've felt so heavy and I've never been this jealous.

 

So now I'm 15+ and knew that I had to make things right again. I figured that I'd give myself a day off from studies every tuesday for every school break I get helping the cafe to have the chance to have a friendly chat with Mary. I was so naive, because I thought at the time that if I could manage to have a few more conversations with her all would be good again, and, to my own self-critizism, that the plan I thought I established had no sense of direction and I wasn't being realistic. It was soon I noticed that she stopped coming, and later found out that she was no longer available because she went up to her sister's to helping out. This lasted for several months until she came back.

 

So now I'm early 16. At the time when I was in the cafe during my school break she came back (I didn't expect that she'd come back). The other day when she was in the cafe after having a conversation with my parents, she came up to me whilst I was sitting, placed her arm around my shoulders and asked "Do you want to come with me to the bank." My parents said that I should go, and I quickly thought whether I should or not. I don't know why but I said to myself that I should "remain in the safe side" and reckon that coming with her from her offer would be risky, so I said "No thanks, I'll stay here." After that, I realised that I made a mistake, and even up to this day I still regret that I didn't accept the offer. I was such and idiot.

 

Moving on a few months towards near the 4th quarter of the year we went to her take away and this time I went in with my parents. I was just walking around the garden and see if anything's changed when I was about to walk past Mary. We were sort of at a distance (5-12 feet from each other), I shortly looked at her but she didn't looked back and she was ignoring me.

 

The month was December and coming towards Christmas day. I gave myself a personal objective in making contact with her, but don't know how to specifically. I thougth the least I could do was to say bye when she leaves the church building. The moment when we were walking past each other, my determination for that small chance quickly disappeared (it was like my mind's lost connection with my motives) , and she just walked past. All I felt was regret and found it hard to stop feeling it.

 

Finally 17. At that age I've been thinking back with all the failures I end up and realised that I wasn't trying to make things better but making worse instead. I thought for a little while and decided to stop and move on and forget about everything.

 

Final part coming up, so please don't go away....

[huh]

My guess is if you've shown the social skills to Mary you've shown here (making critical comments to posters who were patiently reading through your vague posts trying to help), Mary probably had enough. And decided living with her sister was better even if she was the reincarnation of Cinderella's more evil step-sister. Oh, am I not allowed to comment, seeing as you said 5 or less and there's another part on the way? Btw, when you post to a forum, it's customary for people to post comments on what you've written. If you don't want that, draft it in an e-mail or word processing document & post it all at once.

 

Perhaps I don't know where the "love began". Though if you ask me, Mary's love for you beginning sounds like what most folks call common courtesy. Asking questions, talking to people, acknowledging them. Maybe you're phrasing it as "love began" freaked her out. And if you're non-verbal cues were anywhere creepy as saying "love began", you probably freaked her out more.

[uniqueone]

So, what's the name of the bus driver?

[BlueSoul]

My guess is if you've shown the social skills to Mary you've shown here (making critical comments to posters who were patiently reading through your vague posts trying to help), Mary probably had enough. And decided living with her sister was better even if she was the reincarnation of Cinderella's more evil step-sister. Oh, am I not allowed to comment, seeing as you said 5 or less and there's another part on the way? Btw, when you post to a forum, it's customary for people to post comments on what you've written. If you don't want that, draft it in an e-mail or word processing document & post it all at once.

 

Perhaps I don't know where the "love began". Though if you ask me, Mary's love for you beginning sounds like what most folks call common courtesy. Asking questions, talking to people, acknowledging them. Maybe you're phrasing it as "love began" freaked her out. And if you're non-verbal cues were anywhere creepy as saying "love began", you probably freaked her out more.

 

It's okay to comment, the 5th part will be about the present anyway. Are you saying that because of me that Mary decided to move with her sister? She only went to her sister's was to help her out with the take away because of the lack of staff.

 

And how would Mary know of the "love began" phrase anyway? Now you're being vague on that. I phrased it that way was to give it a sort of a significant meaning, meaning with the beginning of our friendship, but sadly people like you perceived love as a romantic thing. Friendhsip is love you know.

 

And one thing, stop with that attitude of your's, it's not helping one bit. You're not even helping out with this, so I presume you spamming this thread with negative comments (despite you talking about the situation). Sorry to act like this, but reading those kinds of comment is utterly not helping.

[BlueSoul]

Part 5: The present

So it's the first month of the year and I've been piled up with a lot of college work. There was so much work and projects to do that I had to miss church in order to have more time. It's been like 6 months since my last visit to church and completelt forgotten about my personal goal.

 

It was until when my parents decided to change our living room carpet for a laminated wooden floor that took all day to mount that we were starving (we could not cook because the kitchen carpet was also being removed for a wooden one), and my parents decided to order a take away from Steve's. My mom wanted me to go with my dad, so I went. By the time when we got into the building from the back door, Steve and three of his staffes said hello to us, and a short while later Mary came in and first said hello to my dad and then me (I didn't anticipate that Mary would be helping the take away because I thought that she was still at her sister's). After saying hello to me she then said "long time no see." We left shortly because my dad had to refuel his car while Steve and others were cooking some fried rice for us.

 

When we got back Mary saw me as I was walking towards the back door into the building. We both chat for a while about things sich as college, etc.

 

When I went back to my church things were as the same as before, same situation as the previous parts.

 

It was not until when we again talked at family camp in the dinner hall (and you know what happened next).

 

The end.

 

So, after telling you everything about my (or our) ups and downs with each other and with the influence of these past situations would you say that Mary was being bluntly honest that she's happier living with her sister whenever she had the choice to move in with her?

[Trimmer]

Blue:

 

Usually people consider "blunt honesty" to be the straightforward speaking of a truth that is hard to hear, possibly something the listener doesn't want to believe or accept. It actually has a lot more to do with the state of the listener than the speaker.

 

What part of what she told you in the first post was difficult for you to hear? Let's say I tell you she was being blunt. What would that mean to you - what are your feelings about what she said?

[Zona76]

"It was until when my parents decided to change our living room carpet for a laminated wooden floor that took all day to mount that we were starving (we could not cook because the kitchen carpet was also being removed for a wooden one), and my parents decided to order a take away from Steve's."

What the blazes does your parents redecorating have to do with your problem?

"The other day when she was in the cafe after having a conversation with my parents, she came up to me whilst I was sitting, placed her arm around my shoulders and asked "Do you want to come with me to the bank." My parents said that I should go, and I quickly thought whether I should or not. I don't know why but I said to myself that I should "remain in the safe side" and reckon that coming with her from her offer would be risky, so I said "No thanks, I'll stay here." After that, I realised that I made a mistake, and even up to this day I still regret that I didn't accept the offer. I was such and idiot."

Well perhaps yes but you're a shy boy and she was trying to get you to come out of your shell *so to speak*

 

I take it words are hard for you.

Ask Mary for her email and then perhaps you can say in an email what you can't say face to face.

She liked you and you shunned her. She wont ask you again. She wont risk getting hurt. The next move is up to you.

In an email you can type your thoughts and tell her you have liked her for years. But that you've been so scared of saying the wrong thing. Of doing the wrong thing and you need her guidance to move forward.

BUT Don't play the word games with her like you did here with us.

This is NOT an essay! Remember short and to the point!

[BlueSoul]

Blue:

 

Usually people consider "blunt honesty" to be the straightforward speaking of a truth that is hard to hear, possibly something the listener doesn't want to believe or accept. It actually has a lot more to do with the state of the listener than the speaker.

 

What part of what she told you in the first post was difficult for you to hear? Let's say I tell you she was being blunt. What would that mean to you - what are your feelings about what she said?

 

She said she preferred staying at her sister's than still living in at my old house because, according to her, she said that she won't have to do much house-work. When she told me this I had kind of a mixed feeling, partly being hurt and guilt, before I've always thought that she moved because of me. I've thought about it for a while and remembered that her brother and his friend smoked, I didn't think she liked people smoking which possibly made her not liking living in the house.

[BlueSoul]

"It was until when my parents decided to change our living room carpet for a laminated wooden floor that took all day to mount that we were starving (we could not cook because the kitchen carpet was also being removed for a wooden one), and my parents decided to order a take away from Steve's."

What the blazes does your parents redecorating have to do with your problem?

"The other day when she was in the cafe after having a conversation with my parents, she came up to me whilst I was sitting, placed her arm around my shoulders and asked "Do you want to come with me to the bank." My parents said that I should go, and I quickly thought whether I should or not. I don't know why but I said to myself that I should "remain in the safe side" and reckon that coming with her from her offer would be risky, so I said "No thanks, I'll stay here." After that, I realised that I made a mistake, and even up to this day I still regret that I didn't accept the offer. I was such and idiot."

Well perhaps yes but you're a shy boy and she was trying to get you to come out of your shell *so to speak*

 

I take it words are hard for you.

Ask Mary for her email and then perhaps you can say in an email what you can't say face to face.

She liked you and you shunned her. She wont ask you again. She wont risk getting hurt. The next move is up to you.

In an email you can type your thoughts and tell her you have liked her for years. But that you've been so scared of saying the wrong thing. Of doing the wrong thing and you need her guidance to move forward.

BUT Don't play the word games with her like you did here with us.

This is NOT an essay! Remember short and to the point!

 

I was trying to be specific you know, which was why I mentioned my parents changing the floor.

 

I've never give a minute to myself and thought what her email was - I don't think she has an email account though.

 

If I change my attitude, would it make a difference?

[lindya]

I suggest you read the parts carefully and atleast try and picture them in your own state of mind, and, if you can to the best of your ability, put yourself into the narrator's shoes (do you get me).

 

There's a lot of detail in your posts that doesn't need to be there. It makes it very difficult for people to read. Unless you're an exceptionally skilled writer (and most people aren't) vast amounts of detail will make people switch off and lose interest.

 

It's asking a huge amount of total strangers to suggest "read carefully, put yourself in my shoes...." This is why some posters are calling you a troll. They're thinking that you're deliberately frustrating people and wasting their time for the hell of it. Your writing is extremely muddled and you express yourself in a strange way that's difficult for other people to relate to. There are two obvious explanations for this:

 

a) you're deliberately being muddled in order to confuse and annoy people

b) You tend to have muddled thinking/communication problems that cause you a lot of difficulty (in real life as well as on the Internet) with other people.

 

I'll presume the latter and make a number of guesses based on what I've learned from skimming through your posts here.

 

Mary is a friend of your parents. You've formed an attachment to/crush on her. You might even be obsessed by her. She's an older woman who is more kind and understanding than people your own age generally are. As a result of her warmth and friendliness towards you, you feel that you and she have a special relationship.

 

At the moment you're feeling confused, and something has left you feeling rejected by Mary. Perhaps you have picked up, from things Mary has said (for instance, about where she would like to live) that she doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

I think if Mary was being bluntly honest, you would be a lot less confused about this.

[BlueSoul]

So basically you're saying the things I've done and how I think about these things are wrong?

[lindya]

So basically you're saying the things I've done and how I think about these things are wrong?

 

 

You're probably best speaking about this to someone who knows you and understands how to communicate with you.

[JCD]

Next time you see Mary, tell her that you had feelings for her for a long time and you like to date her. If she rejects the date then you have two choices. Either treat her like a friend or ignore her. I suggest you treat her like a friend for your own sake because if you're like me, you'll feel pain when ignoring people who really haven't done anything to you other than maybe mislead you little because of their indecisiveness.

 

The next time you meet a girl that you like, you have to be open and to the point with her about telling her that you like her. If you don't and worse, you don't talk as much to her for fear of rejection, then you get yourself into these head games.

 

Whether Mary said she wants to be with her sister or not, that can always change once you express her feelings to her. You see, girls are shy and most of the time don't know what they want because they use emotion instead of logic like we do. We tend to deconstruct everything and analyze it to bits while they use emotion to guide them. So go and tell her how you feel about her and then go from there.

[BlueSoul]

Thank you for all your comments, everyone. I do apologise for a couple of my vagued, muddled up posts. I was desperate for your answers.

 

Lindya, you're probably right, maybe I do have communication problems that caused me a lot of difficulty. I guess I have to pull myself together.

 

It's not easy telling your feelings to someone, you know. Can you imagine a 17 year old telling his feelings to a 30+ year old? I'm not saying it's awkward and/or wierd, it's just something that all teenagers don't confess about towards older people. It's not something that I have a crush on her, it's just something that I wanted to make up with.

 

"You see, girls are shy and most of the time don't know what they want because they use emotion instead of logic like we do. We tend to deconstruct everything and analyze it to bits while they use emotion to guide them. So go and tell her how you feel about her and then go from there." Does this also apply to woman?

[BlueSoul]

I just came over to Mary's house (she wasn't there, but at her sister's) and I think I understood why she preferred living with her sister: basically the garden was a quite mess whereas the last time when I visited her sister's it was neat, and also the fact that Steve and his friend smoked. Those things could possibly be some of the reasons, but I'm not really sure if she told this to my mom. I might find out some time.

 

Anyways, I've been thinking, maybe I should move on completely and, in a way, forget about her and stop worrying about the errors that intervened us. I would probably regret it, but I guess it's for the best in general.

[Cutey]

There are people that change as a result of a consequence between friendship, even the most nicest of people. You must've felt a lot of hurt by many of those mistakes with Mary and by what you think she done to you.

 

You mentioned the possible reason was your shyness and it putted off Mary. Mistakes like this can be positive learning experiences and you realise that it was wrong so don't do it the next time. Change can be painful, but it's important for personal growth in order to be a better person.

[andysw]

Sometimes it's pointless to try and re-establish your friendship with someone specific when it's just making it worse. Sometimes you have to give up on the things you strive to accomplish personally and that's the most difficult part of moving on. Some people are scared of moving on because when you move on you can't go back, and I'm still like that.

 

I've given up some of my ambitions, like becoming a cartoonist, being there for someone special, catching up with old friends, etc. Why? Because for me I cannot achieve these things as I tried on many occasions to strive them, but you'd just end up with nothing, anyways.