bartles Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 I am new to this forum but I need some serious help. I am 27 yrs old soon to be 28 and have been married for 8.5 years. I have been with my husband for a combined 12 years. During that 12 years I have cheated on him once that he knows of which was about 6 years ago but now I have recently cheated on him again. I met this guy about 5-6 months ago. We started out as friends, talking about life, love and etc. One day out of the blue we just started taking our conversations to a new level meaning we started flirting...nothing that I took too seriously. This guy has a girlfriend and I am married. Both of us have one child and we would converse about being a parent. Long story short I started meeting the guy. We met at a bookstore at first and before you know it we were meeting at his hotel room (he doesn't really live in my city but his job is assigned here for another year so he lives in a hotel during the week and flies home on the weekend). Anyway, things in the hotel started to heat up after awhile and after a argument with my husband I went over to his place and told him about what happened. We chatted for a bit and he held me and one thing led to another and we had sex. I am confused now as the next night I was back in his arms again. He told me that he loved me and would never tell me to leave my husband. He even told me that I need to fight harder. In another breath he said that he wants to be with me and would leave his girlfriend to do just that. He wants me and my daughter to move with him. Like I said in another breath he reminds me to fight for my marriage. I hope I don't sound confusing here but I do really like this guy but I am a married woman and being so young I do wonder if there is someone better out there for me. My husand has wanted more children but I have not been willing to do that with him...my daughter will be 8 in Dec. I want more kids but I can't bring myself to having more with him. What should I do...I mean if I leave my husband and this guy is bull****tin me I will be hurt and pissed. I don't know how to cut things off. Just this morning I stopped in to see him before work and we had sex. Yesterday, the guy was busy at work and we barely spoke (unusual since we would nornally talk via text, im, email or something all day). So I wonder if the dude is just trying to have sex with me and will say what he thinks I wanna hear. Am I crazy??? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 First... This guy is Bull****ing you! He is cheating on his GF with you... even if he leaves her for you... he will just turn around and cheat on you. So if you really want this guy your dumb! Im a guy... and I can tell you right now, He is lieing to you... your just a booty call. But deep down you already know this dont you? Second. Your messing yourself up big time... and your giving your daughter the shaft (of All poeple I know this)! She deserves to see what a happy loving relationship is. Your cheating is slowly going to kill your ability to ever have a decent relationship. Personally, I think you should start looking for divorce attourneys! You are still young... dont throw away another day in a bad relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
FrequentFlyer Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 He will say what he thinks I wanna hear. Please wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 I guess I do feel like I am being lied to but I don't know how to stop it. I think my husband deserves better and my daughter as well. I am really afraid to be a single mother. I am comfortable with my husband but we are nothing more than roomates. I am so confused. It's easy to access someone else's situation but when it comes down to looking at mines I struggle a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Jumping to a new guy to fulfill what you think you need is not the answer. What is lacking in you that you keeping trying to fill with another person? And is your H happy just being roommates with you? Why not try to fulfill your husbands needs? and this Motel Mike...... he is using you for shiots and giggles. Likely goes home to his gf and tells her how much he missed her.... loves her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 I've been doing some soul searching and trying to figure that out. The reality is I don't want to depend on the other guy even if I did leave myhusband. I would want to date and see where it goes...no real committment as I have not been single since I was 16 yrs old. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 You need to leave your H. Every day you dont is a day wasted. It sounds like your marriage has been torpedoed... its gonna sink, time to abandon ship or take your family down with it. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Well you are leacing one person out of this equation. Your Husband..... who already forgave you once? Do you know what consquences are? Not being mean..... but going into this what were you expecting to happen? Go right now and call a therapist. You don't need to stay in the marriage but you don't have the right to keep hurting your husband either. You don't have the right to hide things from him. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 I honestly don't know what I thought would happen. I have thought about the consequences and I am not sure if I am ready to deal with them. My husband suspects me of cheating but I have not come clean to him that I was. I guess I am just selfish..I want it all but is it really out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Daniella Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I mean if I leave my husband and this guy is bull****tin me I will be hurt and pissed. I think this one sentence says it all...you are holding on to your H just in case the lover is BSin'...not fair! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 I honestly don't know what I thought would happen. I have thought about the consequences and I am not sure if I am ready to deal with them. My husband suspects me of cheating but I have not come clean to him that I was. I guess I am just selfish..I want it all but is it really out there. You have a child to think about... you dont have the luxury to be selfish! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 Cobra, you are right..I don't have the luxary of being selfish. I am embaressed of myself. I need to change big time. I am tired of looking for what is missing in my life from men becaue in the end they can't give it to me. I know that I need to be personally happy with myself and then I could be truly happy... Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Cobra, you are right..I don't have the luxary of being selfish. I am embaressed of myself. I need to change big time. I am tired of looking for what is missing in my life from men becaue in the end they can't give it to me. I know that I need to be personally happy with myself and then I could be truly happy... and so what are you going to do about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bartles Posted August 30, 2007 Author Share Posted August 30, 2007 I am working on it...big time. I've been doing alot of sould searching. I don't like what I see right now. Sad really Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 Cobra, you are right..I don't have the luxary of being selfish. I am embaressed of myself. I need to change big time. I am tired of looking for what is missing in my life from men becaue in the end they can't give it to me. I know that I need to be personally happy with myself and then I could be truly happy... Your on the right track. There is nothing in the world you can give your daughter that is worth more than showing her how to be strong and independant! You definitely have this in you! If your marriage was any good for you then you wouldnt be doing this. It may feel like life sucks right now, but you have a bright future ahead of you! Link to post Share on other sites
cheesydippindoodle Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 After being in a unhapy relationship for 7 years i have the view be it right or wrong if your happy with someone you won't cheat if you cheat your not happy & shouldn't be there. would it be such a scary thing to part from your husband to give yourself the chance of being happy with someone else??? Write yourself a list of pro and cons for being with each but remember what you have with the new guy is new remember how it was with your husband when that was new it doesn't always in fact rarely stays like that forever. marriage is mostly a stable safe place to be & so many people just put up with how it is because being on your own can be daunting & yer i can be lonely sometimes but then you have a greater oppurtunity of finding happiness with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 You haven't been with anyone else since you were 16. I'm not surprised that you'd want to cheat now. I would do what's best for your daughter and husband. It is not fair for you to be with your husband if you keep thinking about how it'd be like to be with someone else. Not fair for your daughter too. Kids nowadays are smart - they can tell if their parents aren't happy. Well, one of it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I hope I don't sound confusing here but I do really like this guy but I am a married woman and being so young I do wonder if there is someone better out there for me. There is ALWAYS probably someone better. You are one of these people that want the bigger better deal and are never satisfied. You have cheated on him once....he found out...and you cheat on him again. You obviously don't love him. So yes...divorce him. But don't be so quick to want to take his child with you. YOU are the cheater here and need to do right by him. If he can have custody and wants it...then you should give custody to your husband. My husand has wanted more children but I have not been willing to do that with him...my daughter will be 8 in Dec. I want more kids but I can't bring myself to having more with him. What should I do...I mean if I leave my husband and this guy is bull****tin me I will be hurt and pissed. Well...sorry to say this..but tough toenails. Your going to tell us you would be hurt and pissed if this guy doesn't turn out to be all that when you are cheating on your husband? So like I said...tough. That is a chance you should be willing to take. Because you really should leave your husband because he doesn't deserve what you are doing to him. Only reason you aren't leaving now is because your husband is security....because you obviously don't love him. I don't know how to cut things off. Just this morning I stopped in to see him before work and we had sex. Yesterday, the guy was busy at work and we barely spoke (unusual since we would nornally talk via text, im, email or something all day). So I wonder if the dude is just trying to have sex with me and will say what he thinks I wanna hear. Am I crazy??? it is irrelevant whether this guy has good intentions for you or not. You are cheating on your husband. And you know...not once have you mentioned feeling remorse for what you are doing. All you are doing is conveying to us how much you really want to bone this other guy. Do your husband a favor. Divorce him. If he wants custody...give it to him. He does not deserve what you are doing to him and doesn't deserve to have you call the shots where custody of his daughter is concerned. You are in the wrong here and need to do right by him. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I guess I do feel like I am being lied to but I don't know how to stop it. I think my husband deserves better and my daughter as well. I am really afraid to be a single mother. then dont be a single mother. Divorce your husband..and let him have custody if he is in a position to do that. He doesn't deserve to lose his daughter on a full time basis because you are a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Cobra, you are right..I don't have the luxary of being selfish. I am embaressed of myself. I need to change big time. I am tired of looking for what is missing in my life from men becaue in the end they can't give it to me.. Ah...so it is the problem with other men....not you huh? This is the cheaters lament. Its all about me me me and lets forget about what I should do for someone else. Its like Seinfeld said to George, "instead of getting all of your needs met, how about satisfying one of someone elses" Link to post Share on other sites
Author bartles Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 Yes, I am a cheater. I do not think that I should give custody to my husband because I cheated...that is just insane. I am still her mother..I still love her and she still needs a mother. So, the issue is not giving up my daughter but deciding if I should stay in a marriage where I am CLEARLY unhappy. I can't help but wonder if there is better and yes I do feel like I got married too young but now I need to decide what is best for me and my family. I can't continue to cheat...it's not right Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I do hope you will find what's best for you and your family, Bartles. I wish you all the best and keep posting. There is a lot of people here who could give you really good advice, some already have. Keep us posted!! *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Yes, I am a cheater. I do not think that I should give custody to my husband because I cheated...that is just insane. I am still her mother..I still love her and she still needs a mother. So, the issue is not giving up my daughter but deciding if I should stay in a marriage where I am CLEARLY unhappy. I can't help but wonder if there is better and yes I do feel like I got married too young but now I need to decide what is best for me and my family. I can't continue to cheat...it's not right The problem with you keeping custody is, your husband will likely have to pay support, so your husband evidently has to pay for your mistake, which make me sick! Come clean with your husband, he will divorce you, you'll have to get joint custody, but, let your husband be the primary caretaker. Why does he have to pay for your mistakes? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I am working on it...big time. I've been doing alot of sould searching. I don't like what I see right now. Sad really Then do something about it! Fix yourself! Go to therapy. You need to be a good mother to your daughter and cheating on your husband is messing you up and WILL affect you at home. Your daughter and your husband probably know something isn't right with you. Yes, I am a cheater. I do not think that I should give custody to my husband because I cheated...that is just insane. I am still her mother..I still love her and she still needs a mother. So, the issue is not giving up my daughter but deciding if I should stay in a marriage where I am CLEARLY unhappy. I can't help but wonder if there is better and yes I do feel like I got married too young but now I need to decide what is best for me and my family. I can't continue to cheat...it's not right Tell your husband the truth. You owe him that much...And atleast HE can make a decision on whether he wants to give you a second chance, to fix the marriage and see if it's worth saving by you both going to marriage counselling and giving it your best - OR if he wants to end the marriage and find a woman who will love him, and not cheat on him. Don't you think HE deserves to be happy as well? See, you've gone ahead, cheated and done what you wanted to make yourself happy...HE hasn't had that chance, and he certainly didn't give the OK for you to go and cheat. Not that too many spouses would allow that unless it becomes an open marriage. I guess I do feel like I am being lied to but I don't know how to stop it. I think my husband deserves better and my daughter as well. I am really afraid to be a single mother. I am comfortable with my husband but we are nothing more than roomates. I am so confused. It's easy to access someone else's situation but when it comes down to looking at mines I struggle a bit. I'm glad that you see that. So, get yourself to therapy and figure it out. Another thing about the custody...It should be joint custody because THAT is what is best for your kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 The problem with you keeping custody is, your husband will likely have to pay support, so your husband evidently has to pay for your mistake, which make me sick! Come clean with your husband, he will divorce you, you'll have to get joint custody, but, let your husband be the primary caretaker. Why does he have to pay for your mistakes? Very true. Every time I think I am being too hard on women I read something like this and it confirms my views. This is why men need prenups. Link to post Share on other sites
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