Long distance marriage.

[confused434]

Hi All,

 

I just wanted to share my experience with you to see if im going mad, or im a very bad husband, or whatever else it might be. The response im expecting from most is that im a young fool for taking the road ive taken.

 

First of all, Ill just give you all a heads up to say that my situation is probably very strange and many will probably think its a ridiculous marriage, but I do love my wife very very much, so please dont knock me too much, and im sorry for length

 

To start from the beginning, in 2005 when I was a university student I met someone online, whilst playing a game, I immediately felt something as soon as we started talking albeit through the medium of the internet. We both became very close and were talking for sometimes 9 or 10 hours through the night, by 2006 we were an item, my first long distance relationship, I had never looked (nor was I looking when I met her) online for a relationship, but that’s what happened. It turned out that she had recently ended a long term long distance internet relationship, they were together some time, and were able to spend several months per year together.

 

She visited me for a couple of months early that year, during that time, towards the end of the month I discovered she had written an email to her ex requesting that he meet her at the end of her trip, he had replied denying this request. At the time I was extremely hurt and offended, but she told me the email had been sent at the beginning of the rip and she no longer felt that way, and was enjoying her time a great deal and things were working great. I remember thinking after a day, im sure if he had a different answer for her things would be different, but in my infinite wisdom I forgave her quickly and we moved on.

 

18 months pass all is good, we spend several great months together, and decide we'd like to get married and move in together, getting married was a requirement since we are not from the same country. At this time im studying for my final summer of university and spending a lot of time either studying or with friends that I will soon lose most contact with. Quite rightly in my eyes, my SO is upset with me for severely cutting down the amount of time we are spending together, and often only speaking on the phone or internet for 30 minutes per day. Then to top it off I really hurt her by suggesting I might like to stay on an extra year at university to help recover some of the mistakes I had made the previous year by spending too much time online with her, and not on my studies. She reluctantly agrees, but I realise all is not well

 

My studying comes to an end, and I graduate (just) and decide I love this girl so much and have neglected her these past months, so I won’t stay on at university. We’ll just get married and begin our lives together. However it seems things have changed, she is very distant with me, often is very slow to respond on msn or whatever and complains of phone problems and internet problems every so often, imp not completely stupid and realise something serious is up. But im so in love with her I feel ill be damned if we cant make this work so after confronting her for the third time, she reveals shes been spending some time online with another guy and has so kind of feelings for him, but they are done now, it turns out I know him in an online basis, she’s not sure why it happened but she wants it to stop so we can concentrate on us, and continue our plans. I'm desperate to continue the relationship and she sounds very genuine and remorseful, and im happy with that.

 

So we make arrangements to marry a few weeks later, a wonderful ceremony and we were extremely happy, now we are apart again for a few months whilst things are sorted and she can emigrate. But something has been born inside me, an insane jealousy/mistrust monster, im constantly enquiring as to what she’s doing, is she hiding things from me etc etc, things are not as bad as they were, but sometimes my over active imagination takes little things as being bad news like when she needs to go lay down for a few hours or whatever. She gets upset with my mistrust and calls me a detective and says it pushes her away.

 

How can I learn to stop thinking the worst all the time, because I do love this woman, and despite the fact that I haven’t painted a great picture of her here, I do not regret the fact that we married at all, and to me she is still the most wonderful person in the world, and she has not to my mind exactly ever cheated. I know as soon as we are together all this crap will go away, because ill be with her, and im sure it’ll be like it was when I was last with her after our marriage

[corazoncito]

Why are you apart after the wedding? Doesn't your country have a "fiance visa" option so she could move to be with you before the wedding? When is she moving to be with you and what is currently pending to prevent this from happening immediately?

[confused434]

Yes, my country does allow fiance visas, but spousal visas are significantly cheaper. She is hoping to be here by october, the thing holding us back are our financial circumstances, i am still recovering from my student debt and am worried i wont meet the requirements just yet

[corazoncito]

I think it's natural that you are feeling this way. Your wife cheated on you emotionally just prior to your wedding. She's showing a pattern of turning to other men, emotionally if not physically, when she is supposedly in an exclusive, and now, committed relationship with you. This can't go on. When a committed couple has a problem they have to turn to each other to resolve it.

 

LDR are hard. Like in any relationship it is essential to have open communication, but even more so when you can't see each other regularly. I am not convinced her emotional affairs were simply because you were not living in the same place. It could likely happen while you live together (either by her meeting someone in real life or through her internet time). I'm hoping for you that once you are together, it will be easier to talk to one another and diffuse the mistrust and hurt feelings. You will have to actively work on this, perhaps with a couples counselor. Just physically being in the same place and being married isn't enough.

[LittleWingedOne]

I know what its like to have an overactive imagination, but if she is the one you want, you're going to have to get over it (sorry if that sounds harsh).

You both know its not forever. Its normal to feel jealous (I do!) but you can't let it take over your relationship. She married you! Thats big!

Talking to her about your feelings is also a good way to let it go, she may have the same worries and you can both express it to each other.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I'm sorry, but why would you marry her if just a few weeks earlier she was acting cold and neglecting you because she had feelings for another guy?

 

It seems like you are acting really irrationally--you keep saying "but I love her, so it's okay"--but I don't think it's okay for her to go behind your back to try to hook up with her ex, or essentially cheat on you after you plan to be married. No matter how much you love her, don't let that cloud logic and rationality.

[mettleman]

hi. my fiance and i live in 2 different communities about 30 miles apart as the "crow flies" but tosee each other we have to drive 45 minutes to the ferry terminal, take a 40 minute ferry ride and then another 30 minute drive to her town.

 

we have been together for 3 1/2 years and engaged for 3 months. she has 2 boys still in school grades 7 and 9. she lived with me here for 2 years with her youngest son but he did not have a good school experience and was missing his friends. she moved back to her town last september.

 

we both have very good jobs that we can not afford to leave so we have made the choice that until her youngest son is at least in 11th grade we will live apart even though we will be married. i know it sounds weird but it is a choice we have made.

 

at first i was pissed off at her for moving back to her town "just because" her son wanted to back. (her x-husband is a control freak jerk) so she had the boys best intrests at heart. we spent many hours talking about the issues of long distance realationships and marriage. i finally came to understand a mothers love for her kids is far stronger than anything i could imagine. i had to deal with my mother and stepfather leaving me to move 1800 k.m. a way when i was just going into 12th grade. i lived on my own, went to school full time and had a full time job at 17.

 

we are both committed to making this work as unconventional as it is. we both know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is not a train comming the other way.

[taiko]

Yes, my country does allow fiance visas, but spousal visas are significantly cheaper. She is hoping to be here by october, the thing holding us back are our financial circumstances, i am still recovering from my student debt and am worried i wont meet the requirements just yet

US law allows for sponsers, its sort of like co-signing a loan. Since she will be family the parents are the usual sponsers. The law was written with newly graduated students in mind. Perhaps this is an option.