What's wrong with me?

[rain]

Trust me, not all women go for a man because of looks. I have dated men who were not attractive, but were wonderful people who treated me well. I have dated hansome men who became ugly after I got to know them. It is personality that KEEPS someone attracted. Go to the dentist, plastic surgeon etc if it makes YOU feel better about yourself, but a woman that is truley worth your time is not going to care that you may have a few scars or that your teeth are not perfect. Sometimes it takes awhile to find someone you are compatiable with. Go out and enjoy activities you are interested in. It will give you the opportunity to meet others with the same likes and give you things to start a conversation with them.

 

sidenote-do not mention your salary to anyone. 50K is not alot this day and age and it will not impress a woman.

[magritte]

Thanks for the continued replies in my direction, I'm still reading them.

 

Just an update:

 

Last night I met a girl that I am absolutely nuts about! We talked only for a little while because there were so many people around, but she laughed at my jokes and we made good conversation; I'd go so far as to say we 'hit it off', but ... a) the time spent just talking to each other was probably less than 5 minutes and b) girls have been 'nice' to me a number of times before but were definitely not attracted to me (some of them I ended up asking on dates and they said 'no'). But I think a couple of things are different this time ...

 

For one I didn't ask her out that night. I do not know if this is good or bad however. I mean on one hand it would probably be beneficial if she actually thought about me since then. On the other hand I may have fallen out of her mind since then and I have missed my opportnunity. Regardless I am in kind of a weird spot since we MAY end up meeting at a party this weekend, BUT if she is not there, I am not sure what the optimal course of action would be since I did not get her phone number. I can't really rely on bumping into her either because the people we hang out with don't meet up that much ... I realize now I've gone totally off-topic ... just thought I'd make use of the resources at hand.

 

Thanks

[dvdv]

How do you know this girl? Is she a friend of a friend or just some girls who happened to be at this party for some reason?

 

If you see her again at this upcoming party, don't talk to her immediately upon seeing her. Wave hi and talk to one of your other friends. Play it cool. When you do talk to her, make sure you're not in a sea of people. Make sure it's a semi-quiet part of the party, DO NOT ASK HER TO GO INTO AN EMPTY ROOM WITH HER.

 

Just keep it real friendly and make sure to give glimpses of other aspects of your personality besides your sense of humor. Ask tons of questions about her. Ask for her number at the END of the evening.

[magritte]

Originally posted by dvdv

How do you know this girl? Is she a friend of a friend or just some girls who happened to be at this party for some reason?

 

Oh I guess I should have mentioned she is the sister of a friend I do not see on a regular basis. Which both makes it kind of weird and I'm sure played a big part in me not talking to her much that last time.

 

If you see her again at this upcoming party, don't talk to her immediately upon seeing her. Wave hi and talk to one of your other friends. Play it cool. When you do talk to her, make sure you're not in a sea of people. Make sure it's a semi-quiet part of the party, DO NOT ASK HER TO GO INTO AN EMPTY ROOM WITH HER.

 

Haha...sorry. I was just planning on one of us saying 'hey' or something and starting up some small-talk, that's usually how it goes ... Anyway I just hope she's there and not with a boyfriend or something: I'm going to assume that going to two seperate social occaisons without any guys means she doesn't have a boyfriend. If she doesn't come to this thing at all I am really, really screwed - we haven't talked enough for me to call her or anything, and we probably won't run into each other again, atleast not for a really long time.

[Spacer]

Hm, I also can only go by my impressions of what I am reading, Magritte, but I also have the sneaking suspicion that your underlying problem of "finding" the right kind of girl lies more in your attitude then your looks. Not sure what it is, but it does give out some "victimization" vibes off to me that, personally, I would find off-putting.

 

As for good-looking girls dating non-attractive guys - I am dating one such guy at the moment; and although his looks have been something I had to consciously decide to ignore (impulse would have been to pull back), it doesn't really matter compared to the sweetness, his kindness and strength of personality. I am still conscious about people looking at us and maybe wondering "why", but I am confident that this is just the "initial" reaction and won't play a major role. But without his loving, kind and gentle attitude, I am pretty sure, I wouldn't be dating him ... - but the same would apply to any "good-looking" guy, really.

 

Making a girl laugh and having a good, comfortable time is the best recipe, I still think; and from your story, you seem to be doing ok on that basis, so that could be something to build up on. Just get rid of this "obsession" with good vs. bad looks, would be my suggestion, for what it's worth .

[clia]

You are quite right--looks do matter. BUT, everyone has different takes on what they find attractive. For example, I think Edward Norton is extremely hot, yet all of my friends think he has a big nose and is scrawny. (They are nuts, LOL!) Some gals like a guy with a bigger nose or a crooked smile or other features that aren't traditionally viewed as "hot." Keep in mind that 99% of the population does not look like Brad Pitt or Elle MacPherson. Everyone out there is dealing with some aspect of their face or body that they dislike. But, they find someone who likes that particular feature or thinks it's cute, and go on their merry way with that person.

 

But that said, looks are not the biggest factor for most women. Looks are indeed the first thing that captures your attention--how could it not be? But I think most women will go for the less attractive guy with the great sense of humor and great conversation over the hot guy who can't string a sentence together. Read some John Gray books--men and women differ in the stages of attraction to the other party. For women, it's mental and emotional connection first, and then looks. Many women end up with guys who are less attractive because they fall in love with the guy as a person and enjoy being with him. But again, it cannot be wrong to initially be attracted to or want to talk to someone because of their looks. That's all you have to go on when you are at a party or a bar. We don't exactly wear our CVs pasted to our foreheads!

 

I disagree about men not being able to "mask" their ugliness. A guy who is well dressed, well mannered, and well groomed will beat out a more attractive guy dressed like a slob any day of the week.

 

What, if any, strategies can an unattractive guy implement to be attractive to the opposite sex?

 

I agree with some of the others here that your attitude may have something to do with it. You do come across as somewhat negative, and seem to feel as though your face is completely who you are. No one (girl or guy) likes to be around someone negative, and women pick up on this vibe. Women also like confident guys. You need to learn to walk around like you own the place and that you are the best looking guy around. If you don't feel confident, fake it until you are. (You really can fake confidence.)

 

Good luck with the new girl!

[magritte]

Well I called that girl twice over the two weeks after we met and I never got a call back. In retrospective this is what I should have expected: Not only did she show any signs of interest whatsoever, she pretty much ignored me most of the night.

 

I have been chronicly depressed these last few weeks, but I think I am starting to wake up. Today I looked in the mirror and realized I was HIDEOUS. I started to ask myself if I was doing everything I could about my appearance and it really struck me that I have not been doing everything I could be doing; hell, I'm not even doing everything I SHOULD be doing.

 

Along with this I realized what a waste of time it has been feeling sorry for myself and blaming the girls I approached for not liking me. These girls ARE NOT SHALLOW, they actually realize that you're only young once, and that life is too short to waste time with a person you are not at all physically attracted to. In other words, the problem wasn't them, it was me - but it wasn't me in the way I thought it was.

 

I think my mentality was all wrong and I wish to god someone had said this to my face. I've been wasting too much time messing around and not making the doctor's appointments I should have been making. I would call them, find out they are not seeing new patients and then quit right there. Also lately I have been using my long work day as an excuse to not make those phonecalls. Well guess what - tomorrow I am coming in late to make those calls and anyone that makes a fuss about it can go to hell! If worse comes to worse I will have a new full time job of fixing myself up!

 

I have a plan now. I have already begun the process of getting braces, and I will probably get my teeth bleeched when that is done. I have been having a hard time finding a dermatologist that is accepting new patients but I am going to try to find several of them so I can go with whoever will provide the most aggressive treatment. I am also going to call some plastic surgeons to look at a condition I have called 'weakface' (if you've ever seen a skinny guy that looks like he has no chin, this is what that is) AND see if there is something that can be done about a childhood illness I had that resulted in some deformations of my face. I am going to make the best effort I can to try and gain weight and add muscle (I'm markedly underweight).

 

I hope someone does not chime in and say, 'All you need is confidence'. I am quite certain that will come naturally when women do not avert their eyes from mine when I try to be friendly passing by. It will come when the opposite sex smiles at me and flirts with me like they do to my friends. And it will surely come when a girl doesn't have to say, 'sorry' when I ask them if they'd like to have coffee.

 

I still have a nagging feeling that I've totally wasted what were supposed to be the best years of my life, but I feel I have more hope than I ever did. At the very least, I would like to be able to say I did everything humanly possible.

 

Thanks for reading all this,

good bye.

[jenny]

off topic -

 

why choose magritte as user name?

[so sorry]

I feel for you dude. I'm not the best looking guy either, and, agree with life suuux. Basically, I don't get the looks either: short, kinda fat, below average looks, hippie-look. I'm not even white, so I can't play the race card. (In case you didn't know, many non-white women give a little boost to white guys.)

 

I get some attention from women, but I can understand your feelings of rejection. It's tough going out to a club or bar, and getting no eye contact at all. My only advice is to avoid these situations that just don't work for you. There are a lot of different social scenes people create so they can meet each other around common interests. You'd be half correct in asserting that it's just social segregation by looks. Appearance figures in, but it's not the only thing women are looking for.

 

If you are as disfigured as you say, then I feel that a lot of the criticisms about your anger that you've faced here, while justifiable, is not fair. They were probably imagining that you are merely average or slightly below average in looks; maybe if they actually were in your presence, they would revise their advice. A bad attitude and social rejection like a chicken-and-egg question of which one is causing the other. In fact, they reinforce each other,so it's up to you to consciously try to break the cycle.