*SIGH* I should have known better...

[code five]

Hi all. I found this board while surfing and was hoping to hear some feedback to my situation.

 

I became involved with a MW (I am not involved and was/am single) who I used to work with. We began chatting online and talking quite a bit. She had been having issues in her marriage for some time. Our friendship turned into more of an emotional affair and we crossed the proverbial border one night in a chat. I did not intend for this to happen, nor did I expect it. I don't think either one of us really thought it would happen - I knew I was attracted to her, but I also respected her and our friendship.

 

As things progessed, we were due to attend an upcoming conference together. We didn't know what was going to happen when we were alone - although we both expected something would occur. While at the conference, our emotional affair turned into a physical one.

 

After returning home, we continued our chats and I ended up seeing her again. I flew to her home town (yes she is not local to me). We had talked about how we couldn't wait to see each other again, blah, blah, blah. After I arrived, of course the physical chemistry took over. Now here is where I first started seeing a problem... For the rest of the time I was there, she was very distant. I initially figured this was caused by some major guilt feelings - now, I find myself questioning it.

 

Her H ended up following her one morning while I was there and saw her at the hotel. She found out about this after I left. They had been attending counseling (they were going before we became physically intimate), however from what she had told me things have not changed.

 

I truly care for this woman. I thought she had felt something for me as well. Her comments and actions led me to believe this. She would talk about seeing us in a LTR if the circumstances were right, about giving her heart to me, etc. She knew how I felt about her... about us.

 

After her H confronted her, she basically has stopped talking to me. No real explanation, nothing. All she has said to me was the therapist had forbidden her to contact me. That was it.

 

Were our actions wrong? Of course. I can only imagine how her H must feel... She contacted me last week and told me he was going to file. I tried to contact her on monday to find out if she was ok and there was once again silence. Nothing.

 

I know this is a long winded post and I apologize for that, but I am left with feeling like I was tossed into the garbage can here. I can understand if she needs time to figure everything out - hell, I would hope she would take some time, however to not explain or say anything is just plain wrong. If she would just talk to me and explain what she wants - what she has to do... I could accept that.

 

I find myself wondering just what the hell I meant to her, why, and how could she just leave me in the dark after telling me she cared and valued me so much.

 

What does this say about her? I so much want to believe she is still the amazing, wonderful woman I came to fall for... but with the way she is handling this I cant help but feel used and rejected. I can't help but wonder what this says about her character.

 

Did she use me to break from her marriage?

 

How do I move forward or should I wait for a bit (god knows I would wait) - we had no closure or anything... at least I don't see 'silence' as closure. I don't even know what to think anymore...

 

Hell, I've never been involved with a MW and never would've thought I'd find myself in this situation.

 

Thanks in advance - please no flaming, just looking for some answers to my q's. What I really want is for her to answer my questions, but it seems she is of the mindset NC is the easiest and most caring way of dealing with me...

[reboot]

"Amazing, wonderful" people don't cheat.

 

What exactly did you expect, she's MARRIED. The NC could very well mean her and her husband are trying to work things out. If that's the case, LEAVE IT ALONE.

 

Yes, you've been tossed into the garbage can. Pull the lid closed and turn off the lights.

[Lyssa]

I truly care for this woman. I thought she had felt something for me as well. Her comments and actions led me to believe this. She would talk about seeing us in a LTR if the circumstances were right, about giving her heart to me, etc. She knew how I felt about her... about us.

 

Yes, she would have seen you both in a LTR if it were right meaning if she was single.. but she isn't.. so of course that is not happening.

[Lyssa]

After her H confronted her, she basically has stopped talking to me. No real explanation, nothing. All she has said to me was the therapist had forbidden her to contact me. That was it.

 

That could well be it - she can't contact you. Not for now anyway.

 

Were our actions wrong? Of course. I can only imagine how her H must feel... She contacted me last week and told me he was going to file. I tried to contact her on monday to find out if she was ok and there was once again silence. Nothing.

 

Maybe she's trying to convince her husband to give them another chance?

 

I know this is a long winded post and I apologize for that, but I am left with feeling like I was tossed into the garbage can here. I can understand if she needs time to figure everything out - hell, I would hope she would take some time, however to not explain or say anything is just plain wrong. If she would just talk to me and explain what she wants - what she has to do... I could accept that.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but this is usually the case when it comes to being involved with a MW/MM. They'll leave you by the curb and then go save their marriage... that's just the way it is.. sometimes.

 

I find myself wondering just what the hell I meant to her, why, and how could she just leave me in the dark after telling me she cared and valued me so much.

 

Well, that's mostly what MW/MM would tell you.

[Lyssa]

Code_Five - you just gotta hang in there. Don't call her just yet. Give her some time to figure out what she wants. It's hard when you feel deeply for someone who is married... but you sound like a very nice guy.. you should be out there hanging out with someone who is single and won't use you in this way..

[Jinnah]

You should never have expected anything, as she is married. Nor does she owe you an explanation. She SHOULD cut off all contact with you if she wants to save her marriage, and you need stop making it harder than it is.

 

You said initially that you were just friends and you respected her. Well, then you need to respect her marriage (which you weren't doing when you two had an affair - so you really didn't respect her like you said - not trying to be mean). Leave them alone. She seriously messed up (as did you) and hopefully she learned her lesson and maybe her husband is actually trying to forgive her. In other (harsh, but necessary) words, butt out.

 

Sorry for the harsh tone, but you need to hear this... this is a serious situation. I hope you have learned from this mistake and can move on. There is someone out there that is actually available for a relationship that you should look for. Start running now. This situation is a no-win situation. Don't put yourself through the torment any longer than you already have.

[code five]

Thanks for the feedback - I do intend to LEAVE IT ALONE.

 

What I guess I'm having the most difficulty with is the way she handled it. She was never like this before and perhaps that is something of a blessing to see now. It's funny really... you look back and remember things that were said, feelings that were expressed by both and you have to laugh at the irony of it all.

 

My brother had a good point on this - Look at the kind of person she is. What makes you think she wouldn't do this to you if you were the one in a R with her? She swore to me that she could never just get involved with someone she had no feelings for...

 

I guess her NC shows me exactly what I meant. It obviously was never about me or us, it was about her.

 

Regardless, it comes down to doing what is right. I put myself in her shoes and I know without a doubt I could never just up and disappear without some kind of explanation of why. It just isn't right. At the very least, a simple 'this is what is happening, this is how i feel'. Nothing at all is just plain rude. Argh.

 

At this point, I will not reach out to her again. After her last call (last friday) she told me about how he was going to file. After that it was silence. Nothing since then. I tried to contact her on Tuesday just to see if she was ok (yes, i am worried for her) but I can't keep doing this to myself and I wont.

 

What really hurts is missing the person I thought she was.

[bartles]

Now see...that is just a little much hon. Ok first...please give them space. If she called you she is certainly still thinking about you. Now trust me...I've been where you are except I was the cheating wife and my husband busted me. I was told to not contact the guy or we were trhough. The dude kept calling, leaving me messages and sending me e-mails. It was hard to ignore him and even harder to not tell him what was going on. But I wanted to save my marriage so instant cut off it was. This is what she is doing I bet...trying to SAVE her marrige.

 

Also, you are a SINGLE man...find a SINGLE woman..married women are too much anyway. It's not your place to give her what is lacking at home she needs to take that up with the man she chose to say I do to and give her heart too. The whole situatiion is just scandalous. Count your blessings and move on.

[Jinnah]

Thanks for the feedback - I do intend to LEAVE IT ALONE.

 

 

My brother had a good point on this - Look at the kind of person she is. What makes you think she wouldn't do this to you if you were the one in a R with her? She swore to me that she could never just get involved with someone she had no feelings for...

 

 

At this point, I will not reach out to her again. After her last call (last friday) she told me about how he was going to file. After that it was silence. Nothing since then. I tried to contact her on Tuesday just to see if she was ok (yes, i am worried for her) but I can't keep doing this to myself and I wont.

 

 

 

I think your brother is right. It is possible for someone to learn and never cheat again, but most (from what I hear) are repeat offenders. You wouldn't want her to do this to you later. I also think you are making the right decision to not make any further contact. If her husband was going to file and then you didn't hear from her, they might have come to some kind of agreement that they will try to save their marriage, IF she stops all contact with you. I think you would have heard from her if it was really over for them. Another senario is that she realizes what she lost and is desperately trying to get her husband back... both senarios explain the loss of contact.

 

Stop worrying for her and worry for yourself. Get your life in order and make yourself happy with other things. Most importantly, realize what your presence in their marriage did, and think about how bad her husband must be feeling (if you feel bad it must be MUCH worse for him). I'm sure if you were married you would feel AWFUL if your wife cheated... even if you had marital problems. I don't think you want to be the type of person to destroy another person's life.

 

I know you must feel a void in your life... find other things to fill it (God, family, and friends can all work wonders).

 

This example just shows how opposite sex friendships (when in a relationship) can so easily cross the line and turn into emotional affairs/adultery. Hopefully others can learn from this before it's too late.

[norajane]

After her H confronted her, she basically has stopped talking to me. No real explanation, nothing. All she has said to me was the therapist had forbidden her to contact me. That was it.

 

She's in counseling, her husband found out she is cheating, and now she is doing what she needs to do for her marriage and her husband - she is cutting off contact with you.

 

Regardless of what she said to you, she is intending to work on her marriage. To save it after infidelity, she had to stop contacting the man she cheated with - if she continued talking to you, that would rub her husband's wound even more raw. She can't afford to keep talking to you if she hopes her husband will ever forgive her for letting another man screw her.

 

I guess her NC shows me exactly what I meant. It obviously was never about me or us, it was about her.

Yes, it was always all about HER. That's how it is with people who cheat. It is something within themselves that causes them to choose a path of infidelity rather than focusing on fixing the marriage, or exiting it instead of cheating. She chose to suit herself by lying and cheating so she could get what she wanted (whatever it was you provided, sex, emotional support, flattering attention, etc.), and she did it without much regard for the pain her husband would go through, or its ultimate effect on you. It's textbook.

 

What really hurts is missing the person I thought she was.

You are now beginning to understand that it is not HER that you miss, just who you thought she was and what you thought you had. You are mourning the loss of your fantasy, of your dream. Fortunately, you are not married to her and will be able to move on fairly quickly - think of what her husband has lost.

[JamesM]

I think down inside you have a pretty good idea where this would/will lead.

 

Since you have not been here too long, let me connect you with a gentleman who has been where you are..and much farther. I think he would stand in line to tell you to stop before you get hurt anymore.

 

Here is a list of his threads. His name is ratingsguy. I really think you should begin reading his first thread (on the second page), and keep reading until you find out what ended up happening to him. Since we haven't heard from him in awhile, I am not sure how he is now, but this will give you an idea of what your future might be.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=34983&starteronly=1

[RealityCheck]

Hell, I've never been involved with a MW and never would've thought I'd find myself in this situation.

 

This is the case of many OW/OM's. Don't beat yourself up. You are going through all the same emotions that we all have/had experienced. Now that you have had a glimpse of the emotional rollar coaster ride, it is best to try and let this go before it gets out of control. A's suck! They are not healthy!

[notunderstanding]

You should have known better. Take it from a twice bitten 8 year veteran that you need to forget about it. I found out the hard way that if they're willing to go to conseling then you haven't got a chance. You're nothing but a tool to substitute a missing part of their marriage and sex was a reward for filling that void. Never contact her again period for your own good that's easier said than done I know, I had to go back for seconds with another mw before I got hurt enough to realize that it's just not worth it and now have a daughter that I'll never be able to see. Trust me on this dude I promise you'll thank me one day.

[code five]

...She chose to suit herself by lying and cheating so she could get what she wanted (whatever it was you provided, sex, emotional support, flattering attention, etc.), and she did it without much regard for the pain her husband would go through, or its ultimate effect on you.

 

I agree.

 

Very insightful posts by all... Thanks!

 

I read some of the posts by ratingsguy. Wow.

 

Spoke to my sister tonight. She echoed much of what everyone has posted. Power of family... they never abandon you.

 

So moving forward, I know its best to move into my own NC zone. I still feel that she had a choice - a choice to at least come clean and tell me it was over. At least I could've moved on knowing... By not doing this, I choose to see just what kind of person she is - how much she weighed my feelings. I'm sorry - just my take on it - I'm a person also and have feelings. A little closure can work wonders.

 

Hell, maybe her reasoning for not telling me is she figures I'll be there waiting ever so patiently if the filing does come to pass... Easy to answer... NO.

[PoshPrincess]

Code Five, sorry to hear of what you're going through. It is SO tough, I know, but you have to be strong now and respect MWs decision. I think the hardest thing is that you haven't had any real closure but all you can do is move on. Maybe in time she WILL contact you (it often happens apparently), but in the meantime she has decided to work on things with her H. Even if she does contact you, I would say have nothing to do with her unless she has ended her M, otherwise you will only end up torturing yourself and could end up feeling even worse in the long run.

 

Lots of luck!

[SanDiegoGuy]

Yes, it was always all about HER. That's how it is with people who cheat. It is something within themselves that causes them to choose a path of infidelity rather than focusing on fixing the marriage, or exiting it instead of cheating. She chose to suit herself by lying and cheating so she could get what she wanted (whatever it was you provided, sex, emotional support, flattering attention, etc.), and she did it without much regard for the pain her husband would go through, or its ultimate effect on you. It's textbook.

 

You are now beginning to understand that it is not HER that you miss, just who you thought she was and what you thought you had. You are mourning the loss of your fantasy, of your dream. Fortunately, you are not married to her and will be able to move on fairly quickly - think of what her husband has lost.

 

As a (still trying to disengage) SM involved with a MW......this post is sage, SAGE advice. Read it and follow it......Easier said than done. I get that. But...try.

[code five]

Hi all. I'm feeling really low this evening. I'm going to post this here to try to vent a bit - lol, self therapy i guess.

 

As my post detailed, it's been 7 days since I last spoke with my MW. Yesterday, after posting here and seeing everyone's feedback - I was really feeling better. Hell, I felt better on Wednesday when all I could feel was anger.

 

Today I took an unintentional step backward - I was driving to a meeting (on the verge of starting a new job) and a song came on the radio (one of her favorites). I changed the station. Just hearing that intro though brought it all back. Hard to explain - My eyes just teared up and I could feel that physical ache in my chest. You know the one...

 

I haven't been able to get her out of my head since then. I came close to calling her a couple of times but didn't.

 

I kept thinking about what norajane posted yesterday:

 

Yes, it was always all about HER. That's how it is with people who cheat. It is something within themselves that causes them to choose a path of infidelity rather than focusing on fixing the marriage, or exiting it instead of cheating. She chose to suit herself by lying and cheating so she could get what she wanted (whatever it was you provided, sex, emotional support, flattering attention, etc.), and she did it without much regard for the pain her husband would go through, or its ultimate effect on you. It's textbook.

 

You are now beginning to understand that it is not HER that you miss, just who you thought she was and what you thought you had. You are mourning the loss of your fantasy, of your dream. Fortunately, you are not married to her and will be able to move on fairly quickly - think of what her husband has lost.

 

I guess I am still remembering her before her abrupt vanishing act. The cold and non-emotional tone the last couple of times we spoke and chatted. Sensing no desire to speak to me in her words - instead she blamed it on the therapist by saying he had forbidden her to speak to me - that she wanted to talk to me, but couldn't. I mean hell lady, if it's over and you don't want us anymore - just come out and say so. Ya know??

 

To make matters worse, I'm dealing with an immediate family member who is terminally ill and is really worse now - my MW was very supportive on this topic as she had also experienced this loss... I guess that is also what I am missing... her reassuring words and comfort she showed.

 

I feel horrible. I'm sure tomorrow will be better - it's times like these when i feel as if I am sitting at the bottom of an eco-bin.

 

Sorry - just feels better to write this I guess...

[Lyssa]

Oh dear! I'm sorry you're going through all this today. Yup, I have been there. It's just one of those days where you just feel like everything is against you and that is when you start reminiscing the past....

 

I'm sorry to hear about your family member being terminally ill. If it helps, you can also write about that. I rarely let out my feelings here but I do blog elsewhere (sometimes I do vent out here too) just to get things off my chest and it really helps.

[code five]

Thanks Lyssa... Really, thanks for the invite. I have been journaling quite a bit these past several weeks. I remember MW once mentioned to me (this was prior to her H finding out), her therapist mentioned to not look at previous journal entries. I dont recall the reason - I personally find it helpful to reflect back.

 

Today's journal entry has been a long one. I'm sure I will add to it before the night is over.

[Lyssa]

No need to thank me

 

It helps to look back , sometimes. I often look back and laugh at what I have written.

 

I'll look forward to more of your writings

[Jinnah]

I hope you feel better soon, and yes you will... you just need time.

[code five]

Thanks Jinnah for the well wishes - thank to all of you! Everyone has had some very valid points. This is bitter hard to deal with - life has enough stress already right? Having your heart broken and feeling used - like you didn't mean a thing to the person... argh.

 

I'll post updates for sure. Thanks for the thoughts!

[bestadvisor]

Thanks Jinnah for the well wishes - thank to all of you! Everyone has had some very valid points. This is bitter hard to deal with - life has enough stress already right? Having your heart broken and feeling used - like you didn't mean a thing to the person... argh.

 

I'll post updates for sure. Thanks for the thoughts!

 

This should be a lesson to you that you should never be involved with a married man, not even as a "friend." After all, you were a mistress because they were still married and there was always a chance that they will work it out.

[justice]

Divorce is traumatic even when it is expected by the party involved.

Sounds like she just needs some time alone to sort out her feelings and thoughts.

My advice, back off for a bit. But yes, it is possible that she did use you to break off the marriage.

[Lyssa]

This should be a lesson to you that you should never be involved with a married man, not even as a "friend." After all, you were a mistress because they were still married and there was always a chance that they will work it out.

 

Errmmm.. did you not read HIS thread? He was involved with a Married Woman...