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Parents still trying to control me...as an adult


Rosalynd

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My husband doesn’t meet the “image” of who my parents wanted me to marry, and I’ve been fighting a downhill battle for the last 6 years. I have tried telling them how much we love each other, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

 

They’re very controlling, and have been my entire life. When I changed my college major from biochemistry to English, they were furious. When I said I wanted to move to Canada, they said I didn’t love them. Now, I did not marry a rich doctor/lawyer/engineer/whoever, and they have been extremely hostile toward my husband.

 

The last time I visited them was a few years ago. They bullied my husband, and so I never visited home again. After that, they started playing a game of pretending I wasn’t married: they’d visit my brother, and call me over to see them. A few months ago, I confronted them about it and was made to feel like an ungrateful, stupid child (I’m 34) who has wronged her parents.

 

Apparently, they have all this stress on them because they are ashamed when people ask “how is your daughter?” I found out that my parents have been talking to ALL my family members about m-and my choice of spouse- and have basically ruined my image with grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins. I feel humiliated and betrayed.

 

After learning of this, and the fact that they are keeping secrets from me (my dad’s words), I don’t want anything to do with them. I have not responded to them because it hurts way too much. I have even had nightmares about them belittling me and my husband.

 

The last time I spoke to my mother on the phone, she gave me a condescending lecture and then started screaming obscenities about my husband when I stood up for myself. I hung up the phone on her, shaking and crying.

 

I am resentful of my parents and no longer trust them. Family counseling is out of the question (they’d never do it). I thought I could just go on, and leave my parents behind, but it’s so troubling I don’t know how to deal with it.

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curiousnycgirl

I know what you are going through! Been there, done that. My parents are also extremely controlling and we clearly do not see eye to eye. For three years we did not speak at all, to the extent that they did not know if I was alive or dead. I only came back because I have much younger siblings, and wanted to be there for THEM, to balance out my parents' insanity. 21 years later I am still not certain that was a wise choice.

 

You are doing precisely the right thing! You are never going to be able to change your parents, so the only thing you CAN do is change how you react to them. Choosing not to subject yourself and your husband to their line of BS is a wonderful, healthy choice.

 

My parents do not approve of my B/F - I basically told them they have a choice, they can choose to deal with him or they can choose to have no part in my life. They do not get a vote. Because of my past history they know I mean it - and therefore they hold their tongues. My therapist would far prefer that I simply cut them out of my life forever, he feels they are toxic to me.

 

As far as poisoning the rest of your family against you - that is absurd. If these people can believe whatever line of trash your parents are spreading, then you don't need them in your life either.

 

The only challenge now is whether or not you can live without all these people in your life. Only you can make that choice. If you end up deciding that you can't live without - then you need to stand firm, and define acceptable boundaries. You need to find your balance between interacting with them, and walking away.

 

Screaming obscenities would definitely not be allowed, nor would extended condescending lectures. The rest you can choose.

 

Bottom line is you can be reasonable while setting these boundaries and define the reprecussions - for example, if it's a bad phone call, hang up. Not immediately everyone has a right to express their opinion - give them one or two sentences then say the conversation is over - if not hang up.

 

I wish you luck with this. I know it is not easy - but it can be done.

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Do they have any valid points?

 

Tell us about your husband.

Thanks for your reply. My husband is a good man who loves me. He's my soul mate. It doesn't matter to my parents, because they would find any reason to fault him because he's not a rich college graduate. The bottom line is my husband and I love each other, and we don't live by the same "template" my parents live by. They're very old fashioned and think "The man" should do this; "The man" should do that," etc.

 

On my last phone call, my mother asserted that I am "miserable" because I don't have any kids. We don't want to have children! I told her that, and she said "who would not want to have children!" :confused:

 

It does not seem about my happiness so much as it's about their happiness. I am never am asked whether I'm happy. I'm told whether I'm happy.

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Thank you curiousnycgirl for all your thoughts.

 

My parents are toxic to my life, which I another reason I have stopped speaking to them. It doesn't matter what I say, I am always wrong in their eyes. The part about my mother screaming obscenities...I was surprised by what my father said. He said it was years of frustration built up...and he made it sound like she is the victim in all this.

 

He also said he talks to his own mother every few weeks, and that my mother wishes she could still talk to her mother (who passed away). Well, I'm sure my father's relationship with his mother is peachy. And my mother's mother did not object to her marriage to my father! He said also that every night my mother cries because she thinks I do not love her anymore. I would never want her to cry, but it's a consequence of her own actions. For years I have tried to make things work, only to be dismissed as a little girl who's not smart enough to make any decision of her own.

 

Before I hung up on my mother was when I confronted her about disrespecting my marriage. I had to, because she was villainizing my husband and condescending my marriage. She said "so this is what I get after all these years...you **** in my face!" Then the obscenities out of her mouth, then the hang-up.

 

I may have to cut them out of my life. I love them, but they will never change. They think what they are doing is right. When people ask how their daughter is why can't they just say "She's happy."?

 

My husband's family accepted me as a part of the family from the beginning, and I am very grateful for that. I can talk to my MIL for hours on the phone. We want to move to Canada some years down the road so we can have family relations again. And I have always wanted to move there...first time I set foot there, it felt like home.

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I have been on both sides of the issue--my husband's parents and I don't get along and I am struggling with my kid's choices of significant others.

 

We as parents often don't like the choices that our children make, however, there does come a time when we must accept their choices or lose relationships.

 

I have to "trust" that I gave my kids the tools to make good decisions in relationships--and if I can see farther down the road then they, well so what! We are entitled to make mistakes.

 

Perhaps you should just not discuss your marriage with your parents--it isn't any of their business anyways. You don't want children, so what...once again your decision. I would keep the phone calls to "how is the family" etc. When mom started in on your relationship I would end the phone call. She will get the message eventually.

 

But it is never okay to swear at your parents and you are correct, you probably won't be able to change them, but you can change your reaction to them. You unfortunately will have to set the example.

 

My relationship with my in-laws is very civil and we have never had words, but I have limited my contact with them to the bare minimum. And I know that no matter how much I dislike them, they produced the man that I love dearly so that has to count for something.

Good luck and..... I hope that I can follow my own advice. :bunny:

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being an adult , you have every right to make your own decisions and live your life like you want to. if thats not in tune with your parents , they are hurt and devastated by this and all their reactions is their way to show this. they have every right to cause they gave birth and took care of you. its always about comprimising in such situations.. how much each side allows leverage and bends and striking the balance to keep the bonds and relationships going.

if your parents are not at all bending and accepting your husband then its a lost cause as they dont realise its their loss in the end. Give it a couple of years. maybe they will see the light of things and build back the relationship. i dont believe parents or even children will live out their lives without ever getting the urge to make truce eventually. it will happen. no chance of someone in the family solving the problems and getting you and the parents on the table to work things out?

 

a shortcut which i have seen personally is giving them a grandchild. nothing gets them back faster than that. seen that in the toughest of the tough and their hearts melting at the sight of the grandchild.

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curiousnycgirl

OY the guilt trips! I hate when they do that. If your father feels the need to say stuff like that - then advise him that you are not him, and your mother is not his mother. Further tell him that if your parents could find their way to be happy that you are happy - then things would dramatically change.

 

However you did mention that your mother said you are miserable. Is that her perception or have you been telling her you are unhappy. If you do that you are giving them ammunition to be used against you, regardless of the true reason for your misery - they will consistently say it is because of your husband, or whatever else they think. If you must speak with them, keep it general - do not share your problems. Feel free to share the happy wonderful stuff, but not the bad stuff.

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Thanks Kasan, for your reply. In my entire life I never swore at my parents, however I did once unforunately say the S word, in reply to her saying "you sh** in my face". I should not have, but I had become very tired of the her manipulation, but became a bad reaction more than a response on my part.

 

I've tried 'not' discussing my marriage when talking to them, but this did not work. It got to the point where it hurt badly just talking to them, and I dreaded answering the phone. Many times they called me to my brother's place (5 mintues from my apartment) instead of coming to my place, where my husband is. I could not take this anymore, and I ended the game.

 

In the past I have once ended the phone call when she began villainizing my husband for something he had nothing to do with. Another time, I found out she has diabetes. I passed on to her that my husband said he hopes she feels better soon, and her reply to that was very nasty. I also ended the call soon. She won't change...it's her way or the highway. :(

 

It's a very hard situation.

 

I appreciate the thoughts you have given me.

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to work this out. You don't want to regret for the rest of your life the fact that you couldn't come to some resolution with your parents about your life choices.

 

I am probably putting words into your mouth, but I imagine you would feel terrible if something were to happen to them. You obviously care about them a great deal or you wouldn't be tap dancing around them.

 

I am not sure if the control thing of your parents is a cultural issue, but if it were me, I would read everything I could find about parental relationships with adult children.

 

There has got to be a way to resolve this so that both of you can be civil to each other.

 

I would find another way to approach this, as what you have been doing hasn't been working.

 

Ultimately, you will have to grow a thicker skin I am afraid and learn to let the negativity roll off you. Marriage is hard enough without bringing in-laws into the situation.

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Hi curiousnycgirl, yeah the guilt trips are really awful. They are easy to spot but very difficult to deal with.

 

It is my mother's perception that I am unhappy. I had been seeing my parents once or twice a year...so she could not possibly know whether I'm happy or unhappy. I've never expressed to her that I was unhappy.

 

My parents think that if I don't live by their template of life, I could not possibly be happy. In other words, if I don't have kids, travel around the world, and do things the way they would. My husband and I are happy the way we are. They are confusing their own misery for mine. And I'm sure my mother's contant gossiping about me has turned into a lot of fiction by now too.

 

I have tried sharing good things with them before, but they ignore it. I don't think I've shared any bad things with them...I fear they would twist that around and use it against me.

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Hi Kasan,

 

Of course I'd feel terrible if something happened. On the other side of that, I can't include them in my life right now because they too stubborn to view me as an adult (my mother flat out told me I'm not an adult). I still have to live my life, and am sad to say I can't function if it's under their control.

 

I have gotten a book called "If you had controlling parents." It is an interesting read, and a lot of things do hit it right on the nail in that book. The book is more about moving on and healing than it is dealing than with confronting the problem. It does help me understand some things better.

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You know people who control do so out of fear. Do your other siblings have this problem?

Hi Kasan,

 

I have one brother, but he is different from me in that he allows himself to be "controlled." He is very close to my mother, but for him, as long as he makes her happy he is happy himself. It's hard to describe how it is with him. He, like my father, does everything to make my mother happy and gain her approval.

 

When I lived at home with them, the "morning plan" was that everyone had to take a shower first, brush their teeth, and only then eat breakfast. I did it backward, and was constantly ridiculed about it and called gross (except from my brother). After a while though, they were just like whatever. My Dad and brother however, do the morning things according to my Mom's expectations.

 

I am basically the black sheep because I do everything my own way. My political views are opposite from them and when they found out they thought I'd been brainwashed by the wrong news channels :rolleyes:.

 

I always thought they were trying to control me to live vicariously through me, so that I would accomplish what they had not (e.g., be a doctor). I had not thought it could be because of fear...you are probably right, but I don't know what the fear is based from. What do you think?

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from one to another. :) It's something I embrace now, but did cause me a lot of problems when I was younger.

 

Okay--maybe they just don't understand where you came from--I mean they didn't bring you the way you are. Where did you get your individuality? Your fearlessness to be different? :) Not a bad thing by the way. How do they explain this to other family members? The fear connection????

 

You gotta know that they just don't get you, you go against most of all of what they taught you. So they criticize, withhold love, and gossip to the family.

 

Meanwhile, your brother has learned to go with the flow, but somehow your parents are still trying to mold you into their "ideal daughterl."

 

Now here is the really hard part..you were fearless when you did everything differently when you were younger. So what has changed? Are you just getting worn down from the constant arguing? Set some boundaries--decide what behavior is acceptable and what is not. When your parents cross the line end the conversation in a kind way. They just don't get you! And that is okay. :)

 

You have had the courage to follow your own path....career choice, husband, the children issue. Keep on following your own path.

 

I am quite a bit older than you, and I can honestly say that I don't give a "sh*t" what my family thinks. I spent too many years trying to be something for them that I wasn't.

 

At least I am living an authentic life now...and the funny thing now is my family just laughs and says oh that Kasan. You know how she is!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I deal with similar control issues. I've been with my GF for over a year now. We each have two kids from previous relationships. We've just signed a lease on a fantastic house that we're going to move into together. I'm really stoked about the idea and looking forward to it. It's a great compromise between a bunch of competing interest, the only downside that I can see is that my commute a couple of mornings a week to take my kids to school will be longer by about 15 minutes. Which is a sacrifice I'm prepared to make, and make cheerfully.

 

I have two parents and two sisters. When I was going through hell over my split from XW (which happened nearly 4 years ago), they rallied around me and helped me through it. I'm grateful for that.

 

My parents and one of my sisters have been very slow to embrace (or really have anything to do with) my relationship with my GF. I'm very conscious of this, so after GF and I signed the lease on our new place this weekend, I sent a cheerful, upbeat email to my sisters and parents to tell them the news.

 

One of my sisters (the younger one) was delighted; she has some concerns about distance and logistics but was overall encouraging. The other basically ripped a strip off me. My parents, who are usually quick to respond to things, have said NOTHING, though I understand they've talked about it with my sister. So she's basically their mouthpiece.

 

I responded to my sister's email, basically saying that the decision had been made and that I don't need a bunch of crap that's going to make it harder. That led to another negative response from her. She evidently now has a hate on for my GF (who she's only met once), and as of today removed her as a "friend" on facebook.

 

The irony in all of this is that my XW has been cheerful and supportive about this whole business, for which I have to give her credit.

 

Sorry to ramble, but I think the biggest mistake a person can make in this area as an adult is to NOT set some boundaries with their parents and siblings. Otherwise they will continue to treat you as a child.

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Sorry to ramble, but I think the biggest mistake a person can make in this area as an adult is to NOT set some boundaries with their parents and siblings. Otherwise they will continue to treat you as a child.

 

 

This is an excellent point! Our family doesn't care for my son's girlfriend at all. We really struggle with our interactions with her. The only thing that keeps me from losing my mind is the fact that she makes him happy....and in the end that is what we want for our children.

 

So, I guess instead of my son setting boundaries, I am setting them and making sure the family respects his decision.

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I'm no stranger to toxic and controlling parents. It took a great toll on me. I still suffer, but learned how to manage better. Most likely, anything you have to say to your parents regarding their opinions, parenting or lifestyle will not be heard.

 

Since family therapy isn't an option, try finding some good books on coping with your situation. One that comes to mind is Toxic Parents. Another is Six in Bed. Highlight the key sections. Find a book that offers the appropriate parenting style and highlight sections of that. Send them the books along with a letter explaining that they have hurt your feelings and you would like them to clearly understand why. Tell them you hold no grudges, and would like to get the relationship on a different path and move forward. If they don't respond--write them out of your life. I know it is difficult, but be soft on the people-- hard on the problem. If they don't want to work this out, at least you've done your part in trying to open lines of communication respectfully and won't have regrets for not trying. Regrets can be worse than the initial problem.

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Angelina Nisse

Please don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making healthy choices!

 

Yes, your parents probably WILL die, at some point - but I have news: we all will. Pulling the "I'm going to die" guilt trip, to get their own way, is pretty sad.

 

Your first allegiance is to your husband. Do what you have to do to safeguard your own sanity, and your husband's.

 

You ARE doing the right thing. :D

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm 51 years old and am finally feeling free of my mother. She never beat me or physically abused me, but she has tried to control my life - forever. People who do this just don't have any kind of life of their own ... so they have to try controlling other people. I really can't stand my own mother ... and am sad to say that ... because I'd love to have a caring and warm relationship with a parent. My father was an alcoholic and frequently beat my mother. I pity her for not having the strength or intelligence to get out of such a bad situation.

 

Society says that we are suppose to "love" our parents, but if they do not love and respect themselves, then they end up playing all sorts of manipulative and destructive games. My mother is in her eighties now and I regret to say that there will be no tears shed at her passing ... there will only be a sense of regret for what could have been. Was my mother to blame for the way she was ( and is ) ? Perhaps not ... as she also had a lousy childhood. But at what point do you hold someone accountable for their actions? The greatest paradox in life is between justice and mercy. I forgive my mother, because not doing so just hurts me ... but I am sad that she was and is the way she is.

 

Such is life ... now on to happier things. :p

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wot do u do if ur 18 years old nd ur scared of both of ur parents???

 

Get as far away from them as you can ... realize that life can be happy and joyful ... but only if YOU make it that way, for yourself. Do not attempt to change your parents or expect them to be any different ... just get away and live your own life (as best you can). See the DVD called "The Secret" ... it may help you. I love that movie.

 

Best, C.C.

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I pity her for not having the strength or intelligence to get out of such a bad situation. :p

 

I couldn't really feel much pity for my mother, I had a raging anger at her for allowing the abuse to happen. No way in hell my kids would have gone through what we did.

 

I forgave her as a way to free myself from the anger that was killing me a little bit each day.

 

You can spend a lifetime wondering why things were the way they were or you can grant yourself the right to have some peace. On some level you can almost be grateful for what you went through, because it truly defines the person you become.

 

I will never be someone's victim again, and I take responsibility for the path my life has taken because I am a survivor.

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