Can a man and woman JUST be friends?!

[hiswife]

Hi. I am new to this site. I have been reading a lot of the post on here. And need to find some comfort. Me and my husband have been married for 5 years, have 2 children. Pretty much the whole 5 years of being married, it has just been him and I (and our kids). Well, he started a new job at the Firehouse and he has some female co workers. Two of them aren't too attractive. The other girl is young, 21 and single. AND OF COURSE HE GETS ALONG WITH THIS GIRL. The two other females don't like her, and have made comments about my husband liking the attractive female more than the other two. He says that he likes her because she isn't catty. She is like another guy to him. And she is a hard worker.

What really set me off was Saturday DH went to the Firehouse to paint his new office. Didn't think anything of it and she sent him a comment on myspace and said something like "Am I a pro painter or what?!"....basically he didn't tell me that she was there with him. I asked him about it and he said that he didn't want to tell me because he knew that I would have blew up about it.

I can't get the raging jealousy out of my head and it has effected our relationship BIG TIME. So bad that he about walked out of the house Sunday because of it.

I alot of things have happened this past year. DH lost his job, I have been having to BABYSIT to make money...and I started putting him down. I made him feel worthless. And I hurt him really bad. And I'm afraid that he is finding emotional comfort in her...to make him feel worthwhile? I don't know how to fix it. I hurt him so bad...

He says that he is just friends with her. And that she can potentially be his BEST FRIEND. I am crushed. I know that you have to be really close in that kind of environment...but really...best friend???

I'm so terrified that he is going to/or has feelings for this girl. I'm getting older (26) and a stay at home boring housewife who is insecure. How can he not have feelings for her???!! Do you all think that a married man can Platonic have a friendship with an attractive female without having feelings?

I can't even talk to him about it anymore. I have been CRAZY/RAGING about it. Any advice?!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your H is at the beginning stages of his affair. Yes... AFFAIR. This is not 'just friends', not by a long shot. I know that you are afraid he will develop feelings for her, but I can tell you this - if he is lying to protect his relationship with her, he already has feelings for her, and I can guarantee you they aren't platonic feelings either.

[FrequentFlyer]

Do you all think that a married man can Platonic have a friendship with an attractive female without having feelings?

 

 

 

No.

 

Sorry. And definitely not in the situation you are describing.

 

 

FF

[blind_otter]

For the most part I say that men and women cannot be platonic friends.

 

Besides, the fact is that you should be your husband's best friend -- not some random woman that he just met.

 

I say, concentrate on you and making yourself happy. Ignore him if you need to but get a hold of yourself and figure out what you want and go for it. Stop being the boring stay at home housewife. You can do it.

[Jinnah]

Married people should never have opposite sex friends (besides other COUPLES that they hang our with TOGETHER) because it is dangerous. This is a definite emotional affair (possibly physical) and it needs to stop now. YOU should be the only woman he is close to in this way (besides family). YOU should have been there helping him paint, not her.

 

Stop putting him down and start building him up. Men need that (heck everyone needs that in a relationship - to know they are appreciated and loved). People who cheat usually say they did it because they did not feel appreciated. No matter what, it is not your fault... he is an adult and he did wrong. He is choosing to sin. Hopefully it is not physical yet. Talk to him about this and tell him that his relationship with her is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Tell him you want to work on building your relationship and tell him you love him and are hurt by the "friendship".

 

There's a good book called "Finding the Hero in Your Husband", by Dr. Julianna Slattery. Corny title, but good book. Try reading that. There is a website called Marriage Builders that has good info for marriages and problems that arise in them.

[hiswife]

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do? Wait and watch to see if it is going to happen? Make him quit his job? Trust him???

[hiswife]

I'm not trying to be a smart a$$ or anything, but what signs did I give you that he is having an emotional affair with her. I'm getting so confused and hurt and fuming right now. What are the signs. This is a friend at work. You really think this is leading to an affair. Really this sounds like a smart A$$ message but its not. Just really confused and naive.

[Jinnah]

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do? Wait and watch to see if it is going to happen? Make him quit his job? Trust him???

 

 

I definitely would not trust him at this point. An emotional affair is still an affair. It's better for him to switch jobs then for your family to be destroyed, so I would say yes. The situation might be reversible at this point, so I wouldn't watch and see... you might actually see something happen. Check out the website I mentioned earlier. It has advice for lots of different marital problems, including this type.

 

Do not be angry, rude, obnoxious, etc. but do let him know that he is your husband and that you are not willing to lose him like that. Tell him to stop immediately this emotinal affair immediately and cut off all contact and transfer to a different location (work). Tell him if this continues, that you are leaving because you are not willing to share him with someone else. Let him know his actions have the ability to destroy your family. If he would not get angry, let him see your post and the responses so he can see you are not paranoid. Most importantly, pray.

[Cobra_X30]

No you need to take action. You had a hand in making him weak to this... but as long as the other girl isnt responding favorably to him you still have a chance to fix this. You need to sit down and explain that he is sailing into some stormy seas, and that you want to fix the marriage now rather than watch it sink.

 

As a guy I really understand his situation. I've been in a similar place as he is... and my girlfriend was just kicking me while I was down. We broke up... but I still remember the feeling. I was really low...

[Jinnah]

Well, he started a new job at the Firehouse and he has some female co workers. The other girl is young, 21 and single. AND OF COURSE HE GETS ALONG WITH THIS GIRL. The two other females don't like her, and have made comments about my husband liking the attractive female more than the other two. He says that he likes her because she isn't catty. She is like another guy to him. And she is a hard worker.

What really set me off was Saturday DH went to the Firehouse to paint his new office. Didn't think anything of it and she sent him a comment on myspace and said something like "Am I a pro painter or what?!"....basically he didn't tell me that she was there with him. I asked him about it and he said that he didn't want to tell me because he knew that I would have blew up about it.

I can't get the raging jealousy out of my head and it has effected our relationship BIG TIME. So bad that he about walked out of the house Sunday because of it.

I alot of things have happened this past year. DH lost his job, I have been having to BABYSIT to make money...and I started putting him down. I made him feel worthless. And I hurt him really bad. And I'm afraid that he is finding emotional comfort in her...to make him feel worthwhile? I don't know how to fix it. I hurt him so bad...

He says that he is just friends with her. And that she can potentially be his BEST FRIEND. I am crushed. I know that you have to be really close in that kind of environment...but really...best friend???

I'm so terrified that he is going to/or has feelings for this girl. I'm getting older (26) and a stay at home boring housewife who is insecure. How can he not have feelings for her???!! Do you all think that a married man can Platonic have a friendship with an attractive female without having feelings?

I can't even talk to him about it anymore. I have been CRAZY/RAGING about it. Any advice?!

 

 

Don't worry, I dont think you are being a smart a$$ at all.

 

I started to quote your message and delete everything besides what led me to believe he is having an emotional affair, but only a few lines got deleted. Okay, let's see. New friendship, only likes her becasue she isn't "catty" and a "hard worker"... that's him builing her up and noticing her positive qualities. The other two females don't like her (they probably notice something going on and are disgusted). He went to paint with her and purposely didn't tell you (if there was nothing to hide, he wouldn't have hidden it AND would have invited you along). She's flirting with him on myspace (which shows a definite friendship). Your relationship is rocky right now (he stormed out b/c of a argument?! Where'd he go?) You said you are afraid he is finding emotinal comfort in her b/c you feel you put him down (these are key ingredients for an emotional affair). He says she could be his best friend (why does he need some random coworker to be his best friend? Why not you?). I'm not sure but your (righteous) anger may drive him further. Look up emotional affairs online for the definition and I think you will see that this is it.

 

Tell him he is having an emotional affair and that he needs to choose. you guys should probably get marriage counseling if you can afford it or have insurance (lots of Church's offer for free and have good help). He HAS to cut off ALL contact with this woman!

[Jinnah]

No you need to take action. You had a hand in making him weak to this... but as long as the other girl isnt responding favorably to him you still have a chance to fix this. You need to sit down and explain that he is sailing into some stormy seas, and that you want to fix the marriage now rather than watch it sink.

 

As a guy I really understand his situation. I've been in a similar place as he is... and my girlfriend was just kicking me while I was down. We broke up... but I still remember the feeling. I was really low...

 

 

Listen to this... he said some good things.

 

I think the girl is responding though from what I understand (she flirts on myspace with him).

[Yamaha]

I would wonder why he picked the attractive female to be friends with and not the 2 unattractive ones? No matter, single or married, men will be friends with a women they are attracted to. The attraction gives them an added reason to like her and be her friend. Guys will pick a female they are attracted to to develop a friendship.

 

I would find out if she finds him attractive? If she does then you have a problem. If she just likes his attention but doesn't see him "that way" then he might want more but she won't let it go to that level.

[hiswife]

Hmm. There has only been one comment sent to him. And I do feel that he didn't tell me because he knew that it would cause another fight. Not nessasirly because he felt like he wanted her there...and not me. I don't know. I am just trying to make since out of all this mess. I know that I have a lot to blame. We have been getting along great the past few days (not fakeness). But he keeps on talking about the firehouse. Like its nothing (maybe it's not?!!) For instance : He doesn't understand why the girls don't like her. He wants all of them to get along. He says that she works hard while the other girls lay down and sleep all day waiting for a call.

Geez. I NEVEREVER thought this could happen to us. I'm going to give it a few more weeks...to let the fighting sizzle out...and see where it gets me. He is just so naive. I don't even think he thinks anything of it. He sees' her as a friend. I don't know?

[hiswife]

How would I find out if she likes him more than a friend?! What really sucks is that I have met this girl, and she seems really nice. She seems like the type that gets along better with males than females. Kind of tomboyish. She isn't like "hot...look at me I have big boobs attractive" but more like "the girl next door attractive".

I gave him a little test today. He was supposed to get off at 6 today. I called and he didn't answer. Well, he called back and said that he was lifting weights (possibly with her?) and didn't have his phone on him. I asked him when he was coming home and he said not for awhile, they have training tonight on the water hoses). I was thinking "yeah right". I just pictured driving up to the firehouse seeing his truck and her car. Soo...I did go over there...and he was right, they were having training. And her car wasn't there (thank God)...just all the firefighters.

I'm just really hoping that our relationship will survive this. We have been so close and don't want anything like this get in the way. Especially if it ISN'T ANYTHING. Ya know??

I have been doing EVERYTHING TO HIM TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A MAN *if ya know what I mean* and it has been great. So I am hoping I can keep my mouth shut for awhile and let things be.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. That is a very good book that explains affairs from beginning to devastating end. Your H is in the classic beginning stages.

 

You asked for red flags in your post?

 

1. She is young, attractive and single.

2. Other people notice that he is attracted to her, and likes her.

3. He downplays how he feels with lame stuff like "she's a hard worker", "she is like one of the guys" - anything to hide how he really feels for her from you, and make it appear "safe" so that he can continue to spend time with her.

4. He failed to mention alone time with her.

5. She has gotten the signal from him that it is ok to establish a non-work relationship by messaging him.

6. He tried to blame you for his lies of omission, and makes you the bad guy (basically setting up justification for having an affair - you better believe OW hears all about it, as he no doubt complains about you to her in order to loosen her up into thinking its ok to f*ck around with a married man - nearly all MM hook their OW this way)

7. Job problems - men who get in situations like this look for escape, usually in the form of something they shouldn't be doing.

8. He gave you the "friends" line, and the real kiss of death - the "best friend" line.

[hiswife]

Oh My god. I think I am going to die right now. I am so hurt. How am I going to bring this up to him? EVERYONE on here thinks that he is EMOTIONAL CHEATING ON ME!!!!

[Jinnah]

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. That is a very good book that explains affairs from beginning to devastating end. Your H is in the classic beginning stages.

 

You asked for red flags in your post?

 

1. She is young, attractive and single.

2. Other people notice that he is attracted to her, and likes her.

3. He downplays how he feels with lame stuff like "she's a hard worker", "she is like one of the guys" - anything to hide how he really feels for her from you, and make it appear "safe" so that he can continue to spend time with her.

4. He failed to mention alone time with her.

5. She has gotten the signal from him that it is ok to establish a non-work relationship by messaging him.

6. He tried to blame you for his lies of omission, and makes you the bad guy (basically setting up justification for having an affair - you better believe OW hears all about it, as he no doubt complains about you to her in order to loosen her up into thinking its ok to f*ck around with a married man - nearly all MM hook their OW this way)

7. Job problems - men who get in situations like this look for escape, usually in the form of something they shouldn't be doing.

8. He gave you the "friends" line, and the real kiss of death - the "best friend" line.

 

 

I 100% agree.

 

Take action ASAP.

 

Does this book give advice on an action plan?

[Jinnah]

Oh My god. I think I am going to die right now. I am so hurt. How am I going to bring this up to him? EVERYONE on here thinks that he is EMOTIONAL CHEATING ON ME!!!!

 

 

The website Marriage Builders or check Dr. Phil's website.

[Cobra_X30]

I have been doing EVERYTHING TO HIM TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A MAN *if ya know what I mean* and it has been great. So I am hoping I can keep my mouth shut for awhile and let things be.

 

I'm not going to share my story... but I am going to coucil you that you need to do much more than keep your mouth shut. You need to be a giant ball of uplifting positive energy for him. He needs to feel emotionally connected to you!

[vivi]

I think LB is right. You're smart to build him up and it's going to be an ongoing effort. It's hard to counteract when a spouse just represents criticism and harshness. I left my husband because he treated me like crap for 22 years and thought six months of being nice would do the trick. So you need a real change of heart here. Why not drop by the firehouse to visit....with your child...and introduce yourself ---and your child ---to everyone.Everyone. What kid wouldn't want to ride in the big truck? And if this "nice person" is as nice as you say, perhaps she will get the message. Maybe you can find her a fella....?

[JamesM]

As a guy, I think you do have something to worry about. Whenever we (guys) "forget" to tell our wives/GFs about some female, there is a reason. And usually it is because we do not want to explain what happened. The other thing is that HE may feel closer to her than she does to him. Inside he is imagining her to be a best friend, but in reality, he does not know her well enough to say if it will become reality. He may be the one who is fantasizing about something more...she may just like the attention. (BTW, she doesn't know him well either...he is the new kid on the block). And this especially applies since she has met you and was friendly to you.

 

Is it an affair yet? Personally I don't think so. Does your husband want it to be one? It appears to be that he does. Does she want it to be an affair? That is the biggest unknown.

 

Just because she painted for him does not mean she considers him more than a coworker. I had a secretary who would do anything for me, and she came in on a Saturday and painted my office with me. She has been a good friend, too. The catch is that my wife knew her and trusted both of us.

 

I didn't see if you mentioned it, but is he the boss in any way? If he is, then she may like the authority he has. Some women find men with authority attractive, but when they get to really know them as a man, he loses that aura of mystery and power.

 

Can a man have a platonic relationship with a female? Yes. And be married? Yes. I have done it several times. And I still have one who is a good friend. She is older, and she likes my wife. There is no chance that I would meet her without saying anything to my wife. If we talk on the phone, I tell my wife the whole conversation. In the past, I have had secretaries who became good friends, but the catch has always been that my wife has met them and has also become friends. Whenever I had a friendship that she did not know about, I think there was this feeling of "fantasy" inside. So, I have learned to introduce women to my wife to avoid this possibility.

 

It all comes down to honesty and trust. From what I read, you do not feel your husband is being either honest or trustworthy. If you need to drive and check on him, then you have no confidence in what he tells you. This is a bigger problem than if he is having an affair. If the two of you are going to become "lovers" again, then this will be vital to your future....rebuild that trust and honesty through communication and time together.

 

You mentioned that you treated him poorly for the past year. I think this is the biggest reason that you feel that this will be the end of your marriage. Inside you have this feeling of almost panic, so when you talk with your husband, I think you already think the worst. I am not saying you have no reason to fear...you do. But having said that, I think you will need to focus on being the wife and friend you were. Truthfully, you have the edge over this younger woman. She is appealing now, but he doesn't really know her. He has loved you very much in the past, because he DID know you. Your "job" is now to be that person. The more you try to compete, the more you will feel that you are losing. I think..and may be wrong...that you need to compete with your "old" self not with her. When he comes home, greet him with a smile....not with a problem that happened during the day. When you can get time, the two of you must get out and have fun together. For my wife and I (with four kids), not having fun together has been one of the biggest reasons we do not enjoy being together. If whenever we are together, we "parent," talk about problems, and see each other at our worst, then how CAN we expect to keep that "fantasy" feeling? But when we go out to eat, get dressed up, and "have a date," then we feel that magic return.

 

As for you being 26 and her being 21, relax. My wife has always had the edge over any woman regardless the age. In fact, when I look at pictures of her when she was 26 (she is now 43), I see how she has grown better looking with age. She doesn't need to compete with anyone physically. In fact, how she is now is better than she was then. I imagine if I was an outsider looking in, I may think differently, but when we grow together in marriage, our experiences and conversations increase our appreciation for our spouses. That is why I can safely say that your husband will not look at you and say that "because you are 26, I am leaving you." NO, he will be comparing you to how you were and how he perceives her. The area that you are competing is how he perceives her acceptance of him for who he is. Since you admit to not being nice recently, she has an advantage due to your past "behavior" and the fact that she is relatively unknown to your husband. But I think many will agree with me when I say that if you become the wife you were, you will win.

 

So...go for it. Someone once said to me, "If you don't seduce your wife, someone else may." So here, too, I can say...if you don't chase your husband, it appears someone else will. Marriage is about keeping the spark alive...and many times this is not easy. Hopefully some of this made sense.

[JamesM]

I'm not going to share my story... but I am going to coucil you that you need to do much more than keep your mouth shut. You need to be a giant ball of uplifting positive energy for him. He needs to feel emotionally connected to you!

 

 

Well said. Be the woman whom he married, and you will win. I can guarantee it.

[hiswife]

Thank you James. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU. I don't think that our problem is about him cheating. It is me putting him down for years. I am so scared that he is going to leave me for it.

And yes, he is their boss!

[huh]

Have you talked to him about putting him down? And apologized for it and let him know you're working on changing it & appreciate him? If not, it would be a good idea.

 

The situation could lead to trouble, but it's not necessarily there yet. The other women not liking her could be a catty thing. And the catty thing does cause a lot of drama, so it's not suprising that he would prefer the company of someone who's positive, upbeat & hardworking to catty slackers. His not telling you about time he spends with her is troubling though.

 

I know money's tight, can you get a sitter so you 2 can have a nice, romantic evening at home? Taking care of small kids is exhausting and doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for romance. The 2 of you need to work together to find some romantice time alone for just the 2 of you so you can reconnect and enjoy the qualities that first drew you together. Good luck.

[hiswife]

I have just ruined it all again. Running my big mouth. honestly. I don't know what to do. Our marriage is falling apart in front of me. I started bringing up everything sobbing like an idiot. He says that he is going to need time from me.

Im stupid. I have been checking his history on his computer everyday...seein that he has looked at this girl's page like everyday. And I confronted him about it a few minutes ago. I figure that he MIGHT BE having an 'emotional relationship' with her but I am pushing him to it

 

How can I make him feel better about himself??????