halfarock Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Persons unable to see persons of the opposite sex as anything other than potential mates can’t have friends with members of the opposite sex. These people lead limited lives with limited choices. Persons who can see others for more than sex can and do have friends of the opposite sex. These people have much richer lives and social interactions. Link to post Share on other sites
huh Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I don't ever want my H to think that I think that he is worthless and no good. I just say those things out of anger. Don't mean them at all. We just hit rough times right now. OHHHH did I mention that he is working at the firehouse FOR FREEEEEE RIGHT NOW??? Yeah. Like 50 hours a week. A long time ago he was arrested (when he just turned 18) and the State held his card from him until they could make sure that he was a good guy an that he was sorry for getting arrested. It was something minor. But everything is ok, but he wont be able to get his state card til the end of next month. He got hired to be the EMS Coordinator. He doesn't want to lose his spot. All the other girls that they hired are all Paremedics and he is just basic level. So he is afraid that if he doesn't work this whole time, they will see that the girls can do it by themselves and that they wouldn't need to hire them. So that is where all of our problems have been. Him working...not getting paid, and me having to sit home and babysit all day. My mother likes to tell me I'm worthless & no good (yet my alkie jailbird brother is momma's little darling). That's been the situation since I was about 4 and she compared me unfavorably to a blue eyed, blonde haired cousin (I'm a brown eyed brunette). I've distanced & detached myself from her, but not totally cut her off which is what people will do when you treat them like crap, provided they have the compassion & inner resources not to get self-destructive or cut you out altogether. If she ever has to go to a home, I'm making sure she goes into one of the better ones, but no way am I allowing her toxic spew in my home. I've worked too hard to overcome it. Getting back to your situation, it's rough that there's no income coming in. It's rough that you have no free time. And those are valid issues you should address. But not in the "you're worthless & "no good" manner. How about a part-time job? Here in NYC, many firefighters bartend or do construction work. How about an agreed upon time where he's taking care of the kids so you can have some time to yourself (a completely reasonable thing)? As for his working at the firehouse for free, there are far worse things he could be doing while unemployed. Such as gambling, drinking or illegal activities. At least you're dealing with someone who has a positive outlet for things. Stop insulting him. People will try to work out things the first few times, but when you keep up that stuff, eventually they will hate you for it. I'm not saying it's your fault, it seems like a difficult situation. But everytime you belittle him, you drive him that much more away. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
danis Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I am struggling from my own emotional affair with OM from my office. I like to tell myself that he could be my best friend too. However I am just lying to myself because I know damn well that the physical attraction is way out of control and I think I probably would cheat if I was ever alone with him. You're intuition is correct and you need to do something about it now. I posted my own forum a few days ago and everyone kicked my A*S*S. So today I went to work and told the OM that we shouldn't talk anymore outside of work and that I am going to concentrate on my husband. You absolutley can not be friends with someone in which you are so sexually attracted to. I know I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Excuse me, but how in the world do you control physical attraction? I guess the wording is not quite right, but attraction to someone can be controlled so that it doesn't become reality. We make choices as people when we are attracted to someone. One female friend I had was physically attractive, and IF we were both single, then maybe I would have pursued a relationship. BUT...neither of us were, so we were friends. We had good talks and she never forgot to ask how my wife was. Interestingly enough, even though she never really got to know my wife real well, my wife knew that we could be trusted together. So, yes, we can be attracted to someone, but it is our choice of actions that makes an attraction become reality and ruin a friendship. If I thought that an attraction cannot be controlled, then I would have allowed the attraction to take over my thoughts. This could have resulted in me wanting more from her and either her agreeing to cheat with me...or she would have ended our friendship. Incidentally, that physical attraction disappeared as I realized that we made good friends, but we would not have made good "lovers." My initial attraction could have ended a friendship and a marriage...all for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
blowingthetrout Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Can a man and woman be just friends? Absolutely......NOT! that is unless there is no physical, or possibly emotional, attraction to each other....and I mean NONE. either that or one of them is gay. me me me!! It's all about eye candy to me! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Persons unable to see persons of the opposite sex as anything other than potential mates can’t have friends with members of the opposite sex. These people lead limited lives with limited choices. Persons who can see others for more than sex can and do have friends of the opposite sex. These people have much richer lives and social interactions. Its not about seeing someone of the opposite sex as nothing but potential mates. But if a man and woman are friends and there is some level of attraction...it isn't good if you are in a committed R or M with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
bunset Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Its not about seeing someone of the opposite sex as nothing but potential mates. But if a man and woman are friends and there is some level of attraction...it isn't good if you are in a committed R or M with someone else. Why? I just don't see how it's fair to expect your partner to fulfill every one of your needs. After all, each of us changes and grows over time, and to expect one single other person to be son tuned into your needs that they also share your feelings seems rather self-centered, or co-dependent, take your pick. Perhaps you think it's a good idea for married women to wear a burqua and not work in public, for fear that someone else may find her personable and a valuable friend. Either that or you worry that you'll feel that way about another committed woman. Regardless, attraction can also occur with persons of the same gender. That attraction may not even be sexual, it may be platonic, but take energy, intimacy and time away from one's partner to be in that friendship. Why is the sexual aspect of any relationship the pinnacle of virtues? Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 you know some people can't handle it and just have to act on the attraction they are usually in high school bish or the are mentally challenged adults can appreciate the opposite sex as beautiful human beings with the need to have to respond to their urges. so bish really speak for your self okay Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 Why? I just don't see how it's fair to expect your partner to fulfill every one of your needs. Ah...so you condone cheating? Someone partner is fantastic, and great in bed...but just doesn't do the oral thing as much as they'd like....so they'd be justified in getting it elsewhere according to you I suppose? After all, each of us changes and grows over time, and to expect one single other person to be son tuned into your needs that they also share your feelings seems rather self-centered, or co-dependent, take your p Perhaps you think it's a good idea for married women to wear a burqua and not work in public, for fear that someone else may find her personable and a valuable friend. Either that or you worry that you'll feel that way about another committed woman. Nope...don't feel that way at all. I am not talking about someone you consider a friend in passing. Someone you can talk to when you see them. I am talking about the situations where someone is in a committed relationship, yet has an opposite sex "friend" that they go out and do things with almost as if they are on a date. Going to the movies...clubs...etc. I have many female "friends"...but none of them I go out with. Apples and oranges. Link to post Share on other sites
MerryMelodie Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I don't think most men can just be friends with women. I only can think of 1 male friend I ever had that didn't think of me as more than a friend. Every other guy I've tried to be friends with wanted more than friendship! I can be just friends with a guy but things always change after they admit they like me as more than a friend! It seems most guys only spend their time with females they are attracted to! I noticed almost all the men I know are hanging out with the pretty females. I never see them with obese or unattractive women. Link to post Share on other sites
MystifiedByMen Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I would tell him that whomever is important in his life is important to you too. Tell him that you should all go out sometime and see how the night turns out. See how they act. Send her a friendly message to introduce yourself on myspace and befriend her. See how that works out. IF they are just friends, the things I've mentioned should NOT be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Am I the only one who thinks hiswife is seriously out of line? She doesn't trust him at all, she physically goes out to check up on him in the fear that he is lying. She is a self-proclaimed mother, but she complains that because of her husband working, she has to stay home with the kids 24/7? Um, what else is a stay at home mother supposed to do? Your husband is working to support YOU. To be honest, I can understand someone being forced into his position (especially when his wife belittles him and whatnot) wanting to have an emotional affair. You're just lucky it's not physical as well. That said, platonic relationships between opposite sexes are possible; I can't believe all the people saying otherwise. Of course they are, I've had many. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 It would only be out of line had this guy not lied to her about it, hidden it from her, and admitted that his feelings for this girl were more than just an average platonic friend. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 you know some people can't handle it and just have to act on the attraction they are usually in high school bish or the are mentally challenged adults can appreciate the opposite sex as beautiful human beings with the need to have to respond to their urges. so bish really speak for your self okay You say all of this, but aren't you a cheater or sleeping with someone elses husband? This is kind of like a murderer chastising Charles Manson. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Why? I just don't see how it's fair to expect your partner to fulfill every one of your needs. I agree, NOBODY will ever fill 100% of their SOs so-called "needs". But by saying this, are you saying that cheating should be acceptable? Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 It would only be out of line had this guy not lied to her about it, hidden it from her, and admitted that his feelings for this girl were more than just an average platonic friend. But seeing as that relationships are based on trust--if she has absolutely no trust for him, instead of going out and efffectively stalking him, she should be packing her bags. He didn't lie, either--he held some information back because she is obviously irrational and very jealous and he didn't want to spark another problem with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Hey Ya'll. Everything is OK. Nothing happened between the two. I blew things out of hand BIG TIME. He didn't cheat on me, didn't have an Emotional affair with me. The only reason that he didn't tell me that he painted with her is because he knew I would have blown it out of portion. We are completely OK right now. I trust him 100%. Our relationship has improved BECAUSE of this. I think everything happens for a reason. For the past year, I have been so negative towards him and so hateful. So here comes this other girl that I thought "why would my husband like me, when there is this gorgeous girl in his life now". After everything has happened, I realized that I took him for granted. Read some of my other post after this and you will understand. A few great people on here made me realize what a jealous, selfish person I was. what matter's is the most is that he comes home and loves on me. Loves me more than anything in this world, and I see it now. I took his love for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
JosieMcCoy Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Sure they can! I have many male friends! And nothing but platonic!!! Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 I think H had a hard time dealin with having to work with these girls. He is somewhat reserved and doesn't like change at all. I think that he was trying TOO HARD to prove that he can be just friends with a female. Especially an attractive one. I think that was what his problem was (does that make since??). But now it is no big deal. He has pretty much just had male friends, and I think it was hard for him to sort out his feelings. Especially when he was SOOOO uncomfortable waybackthen when I had male friends. I think he might have found her attractive and he had to work it out on his own. Whatever. We haven't been this happy in a long time, and I am loving it. Everything has improved SOOOOO much in our relationship due to this arguement. Link to post Share on other sites
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