Cobra_X30 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 How can I make him feel better about himself?????? Thats going to be hard, because I get the feeling that you need to feel better about yourself also. So, you will have to fight your instincts every step of the way. Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Yes, I agree with those who say it may be the beginning of an affair. Listen to Cobra, Cobra is wise. Also, if he truly wants her as just a friend, then why not make nice and invite her over to dinner so you can get to know her better as well? It serves a multiple purpose, peace between you and your husband, you get to see her and identify how she acts around your husband and make your own decision. Also, she gets to see and get to know you and your kids, making you and them "real" to her and perhaps it will make her think twice if an affair is what she has in mind. Either way, it's a win-win situation and you can better assess her and your husband's reactions to each other first hand. It's kind of ballsy but it just might work. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Thank you James. I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU. I don't think that our problem is about him cheating. It is me putting him down for years. I am so scared that he is going to leave me for it. And yes, he is their boss! If he is their boss, then he will have bigger problems if he pursues her as his "best friend." Why? Because as has been said here any times, the OW does not go away quietly. At this point, he is assuming that he is just friends, but inside I think he is hoping for more. So let's assume they fall deeply in love, and then he has second thoughts...can we say "sexual harassment?" BTW, many police and fire departments have rules against coworkers becoming intimate for many reasons. Hang in there. I think you have a much stronger position than you think you do. My feeling at this point is that he will not leave you. But, the thing is, he had better decide this before he begins an affair. If he doesn't, then I think he will have "problems" with you and his job. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 If you don't want to lose your husband right now... just pretend nothing is happening.... stop nagging him about it... you will only push him in her arms... If he really wants to cheat, he will, whether you nag or not... so you need to stop that. Just keep your eyes wide open... I see many stay at home wife who, along the years, just have nothing to talk to their husbands except the house and the kids... it gets boring and the couple ends up drifting apart... because of the lact of intellectual stimulation. Do you read the papers, do you watch the news? Do you have good conversations with your husband except for this girl... Jealousy kills the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I have just ruined it all again. Running my big mouth. honestly. I don't know what to do. Our marriage is falling apart in front of me. I started bringing up everything sobbing like an idiot. He says that he is going to need time from me. Im stupid. I have been checking his history on his computer everyday...seein that he has looked at this girl's page like everyday. And I confronted him about it a few minutes ago. I figure that he MIGHT BE having an 'emotional relationship' with her but I am pushing him to it How can I make him feel better about himself?????? Ditto what Cobra said. Whenever a guy begins a "relationship" with a girl, she is always perfect at the beginning. That is where he is with her. The problems will come. Why do you have to make him better about himself? I don't think you do. What I think you need to do its pretend that you are trying to get him to date you. Be beautiful and alluring. Be everything that you think will "catch" him. BUT do not grovel for him. Do NOT over pursue him. Become attractive to him. Be confident in yourself. Start with this...what is the worst thing that will happen? As horrible as it sounds, he may leave you. But you will still be alive and healthy. You will survive and be happy again. Now sit back....you can handle that IF it happens, but it won't. Why" Because you have a lot of control over your marriage and life. You do NOT have control over him. You DO have control over you. So, plan your "attack," and be the wife you were when he married you. What changes do you need to make? Quit fretting about the past, and think positive about the future. Don't "nag" him....love him. Smile, don't cry. (At this point, there is less to cry about than you think there is. Since he is looking, that means he probably isn't doing a lot of communicating with her). You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Some great advice form James and Cobra. I'm sorry, but it does sound like it could be the beginnings of an A. This is often how they start. Like James and Cobra said, you have to take control of your M and be the one that H wants, be the woman he married! Whatever you do though, DO NOT blame yourself for any of this. Nothing excuses an A. I know the jealousy is v hard to control but you have to put a stop to it because it WILL ruin your M. BTW, I think it was very hurtful of him to tell you that he could see this woman as being his 'best friend'. YOU are the one he is married to, YOU should be the best female friend he has. Hopefully he has just lost his way a bit. You need to help boost his confidence. I hope everything works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 I'm just weirded out that he checks out this girls profile everyday. I know that there is something there. I also have a feeling that he talks to this girl about our problems. His whole Idea about relationships has changed. Every fight we have ever had, he has always said that we can work it out. That we had to for the kids. He was completely against cheating, divorce..all that. Now its like, if it falls apart...it falls apart. I'm trying to be calm about this. But I can't let my feelings/thoughts go. I think that Im getting an ulcer over this. I have lost almost 3 pounds this week because I haven't been able to eat right. I just want my man back. I don't care that he has friends. But this friendship has crossed the line big time and I don't think he even realizes it. Hopefully this chick is smart and doesn't do anything to mess this up. I know my husband needs someone to talk to about this...but still...ya never know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 By the way...what does OW stand for? I have been trying to figure it out! Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 By the way...what does OW stand for? I have been trying to figure it out! OW = Other Woman OM = Other Man BS = Betrayed Spouse WS = Wayward Spouse It takes a while to figure them all out! HW, as you say, here's hoping this girl is smart enough not to get involved. There are plenty of women who would NEVER contemplate a R with a MM so you have to take comfort in that! Let's hope your H is juts having a minor crisis and will come to his senses and realise what he has to lose before it's too late. What is happening is still disloyal (particularly if he is discussing your R with her) but hopefully that is all it is and maybe he's just getting off on the attention and not even considering anything more. PS MM = Married Man, MW = Married Woman Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 I completely agree. He is being disloyal. But hopefully it will start to fad away. And I don't think this girl would come inbetween my husband and I. She doesn't seem the type...but ya never know. And I don't think my husband would ever physically cheat on me. I think he would break up before he ever did something like this. I'm just going to let him get this "emotional thing" out of his system. And hopefully we can get back to the way it used to be. I am hoping this weekend things will be ok between us. NO FIGHTING. I am going to be the best wife/mom I could EVER BE! And I know that at least that I'm trying. Ya know? I don't want to make things worse that what they already are. I don't ever want my H to think that I think that he is worthless and no good. I just say those things out of anger. Don't mean them at all. We just hit rough times right now. OHHHH did I mention that he is working at the firehouse FOR FREEEEEE RIGHT NOW??? Yeah. Like 50 hours a week. A long time ago he was arrested (when he just turned 18) and the State held his card from him until they could make sure that he was a good guy an that he was sorry for getting arrested. It was something minor. But everything is ok, but he wont be able to get his state card til the end of next month. He got hired to be the EMS Coordinator. He doesn't want to lose his spot. All the other girls that they hired are all Paremedics and he is just basic level. So he is afraid that if he doesn't work this whole time, they will see that the girls can do it by themselves and that they wouldn't need to hire them. So that is where all of our problems have been. Him working...not getting paid, and me having to sit home and babysit all day. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 That's the spirit, HR! I hope you have a great weekend. Give your H lots of attention. Tell him how great you think it is that he's doing all this work for free, that they will think it's fantastic and that it will all pay off! Have some quality time together and if you can get a babysitter, do something spontaneous on your own as a couple! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 Thank you PoshPrincess, you and a few others have made me feel a lot better. I cant get it out of my head that he needs her though. But I am going to swallow my feelings for awhile! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 And I don't think my husband would ever physically cheat on me. I think he would break up before he ever did something like this. I'm just going to let him get this "emotional thing" out of his system. And hopefully we can get back to the way it used to be. I am hoping this weekend things will be ok between us. I don't ever want my H to think that I think that he is worthless and no good. I just say those things out of anger. Don't mean them at all. OHHHH did I mention that he is working at the firehouse FOR FREEEEEE RIGHT NOW??? Yeah. Like 50 hours a week. It shouldnt take another woman's interest to make you realize what your husband is worth... if you cant make changes... and make them permanent there will always be another woman around the corner. Short term thinking will get you nowhere fast, and jealousy should not be your motivator. See he is under the gun right now. Its amazing how much of a guys self worth can be tied up in his work, and ability to provide for his family. So when things go south because of his own stupid mistakes, he is going to be beating himself up plenty. When the only person he opens his heart to is beating him up too... that can break him. He is going to lach onto anything positive in his life. Oh, please, please, keep in mind that things said in anger are still said. You cant take those words back, when you apologize and say you didnt mean them... it just sounds half hearted. These words linger in the back of the mind... they never go away. Rule of thumb... if you have been berating him for 2 months... its going to take 3 months of positive reinforcement for him to actually believe that you value him. This is a battle you can and must win! James is right, your husband chose you to be his love, his wife! There is an amazing power in that choice. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 It shouldnt take another woman's interest to make you realize what your husband is worth... if you cant make changes... and make them permanent there will always be another woman around the corner. Short term thinking will get you nowhere fast, and jealousy should not be your motivator. Listen to this HW, because it's so true. So many of us forget to make an effort in Rs but that is what it's all about. It's when we get complacent about things that something happens to sit up and make us take notice. For some, by that stage, it is too late. Don't let it get that way for you! You now have the power to change things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 You know, I have just felt so worthless. It is like I got stuck on a back burner. He went on with his Firefighting school...then decided that he wanted to go to school to be an EMT...and it seems like work is more important than me. I feel like if his work calls him and needs him do something at work...he is there in a heartbeat. If I need him to do something around the house...it gets half assed. So, I think that I took out my miseary out on him. I am stuck at home 24/7 with the kids. He gets to get out whenever he wants. He doesn't go out and party and/or hang out with friends, he is always doing things at the firehouse. He doesn't have to worry about the kids. On the other hand, if I ever want to go out...I have to drag the kids along with me. And that is where a lot of my frustrations come in. We don't really have the money for me to get a part time job. For one, hubby is always busy with his work, that if I did decide to go back to work part time I would have to get a babysitter. Just can't afford it. So I feel like I am still miserable with my life. And feel stuck (not in a bad way...I honestly love my kids...just don't like watching other people's kids! YA KNOW?) So, again, I feel like my feeings are on a back burner again. And my feelings will be lost again. But I will do anything to keep this marriage alive and worthwhile. We used to be the couple that other people were jealous of....now.....seems like I have been running my mouth too much and everyone knows are problem. I don't have anyone to talk to. I have no friends here, besides friends of the firehouse, and I can't possibly get these people involved, especially if Josh and this girl's friendship is innocent. We are going to the WEBN fireworks Sunday. We will have a break from the world and hopefully the little trip will bring us closer together. Link to post Share on other sites
IamASelfishSOB Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I'll chime in here. I actually think I have very valuable insight. I am married and have a 10 year plutonic friendship with a very attractive co-worker. It did cause some issues in our marriage, but I was very careful to always let my wife know what was going on between the two of us. She has become friends with her as well, and I have always respected her husbands wishes as well. If she felt threatened in any way, I valued my friendship enough that I would do anything she asked to make sure she was comfortable with it. I had always heard that male/female friendships were impossible and kind of scoffed at the notion. Now the dark side. Six months ago another very attractive female came to work with us. The nature of our friendship ended up very different. I ended up cheating one night. I never intended on this to happen. This is the only time I have ever cheated on any woman in my 42 years and I have learned a valuable lesson. That being said, I still maintain my plutonic friendship with the first woman. If it ever becomes a threat to my wife, I will always heed her wishes. In retrospect, however, this relationship gave me a false sense of security that all female relationships will turn out OK and could probably have been my ultimate downfall. I think you will be able to tell by your husband's actions, what his intentions are. If he is totally open about absolutely everything, I believe it is possible. If you catch him in a lie or if he holds back, don't trust anything about the relationship. Just two cents from a person with experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 You know, I have just felt so worthless. It is like I got stuck on a back burner. He went on with his Firefighting school...then decided that he wanted to go to school to be an EMT...and it seems like work is more important than me. I feel like if his work calls him and needs him do something at work...he is there in a heartbeat. If I need him to do something around the house...it gets half assed. So, I think that I took out my miseary out on him. I am stuck at home 24/7 with the kids. He gets to get out whenever he wants. He doesn't go out and party and/or hang out with friends, he is always doing things at the firehouse. He doesn't have to worry about the kids. On the other hand, if I ever want to go out...I have to drag the kids along with me. And that is where a lot of my frustrations come in. We don't really have the money for me to get a part time job. For one, hubby is always busy with his work, that if I did decide to go back to work part time I would have to get a babysitter. Just can't afford it. So I feel like I am still miserable with my life. And feel stuck (not in a bad way...I honestly love my kids...just don't like watching other people's kids! YA KNOW?) So, again, I feel like my feeings are on a back burner again. And my feelings will be lost again. But I will do anything to keep this marriage alive and worthwhile. We used to be the couple that other people were jealous of....now.....seems like I have been running my mouth too much and everyone knows are problem. I don't have anyone to talk to. I have no friends here, besides friends of the firehouse, and I can't possibly get these people involved, especially if Josh and this girl's friendship is innocent. We are going to the WEBN fireworks Sunday. We will have a break from the world and hopefully the little trip will bring us closer together. Please dont misunderstand me. I know where your coming from too! You feel neglected and stressed. Like your not a priority in his life. I could give you the schtick about how he is working towards a goal for the family, how his success is yours also, how he is probably tired after working a long day and cant really provide you the attention you need. Truth is those are all excuses! He needs to step up and be a better husband... in fact I believe that if he did you wouldnt be mean to him. I think alot of the issues you are dealing with are caused by his selfishness. However, I dont think this kind of thinking will help you out of your situation in any way. See, your Husband isnt in a place mentally to make these changes. So, as burdensome and difficult as it may be... its down to you. We all have positive and negative thoughts that run through our heads. Focus on the positive. Make your Husband feel special and wanted. My money says that after a time he will begin to naturally provide you the emotional support you need. Dont be afriad! I know that deep down you fear he wont reciprocate... that if you dont stand up for yourself he will walk all over you. Its worth the risk! You have so much to gain, and your at a point where you dont have much to lose. Only one dysfunctional person per relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 He is going to lach onto anything positive in his life. Oh, please, please, keep in mind that things said in anger are still said. You cant take those words back, when you apologize and say you didnt mean them... it just sounds half hearted. These words linger in the back of the mind... they never go away. Rule of thumb... if you have been berating him for 2 months... its going to take 3 months of positive reinforcement for him to actually believe that you value him. I agree with this. The only thing I don't understand is why you feel like it is your fault. Marriages hit rocky spots sometimes, but in my opinion it does not give him the right to go strike up a "best freind"ship with another woman. I 100% believe that married people should not have opposite sex friends... it's dangerous (I know... my dad cheated with my mom's best friend)... plus you always hear the stories about people who cheat... it started as a friendship where the OW builds the guy up when he hits rough spots in his marriage! Plus, there is NO WAY he should be talking to this girl about your marriage like you suspect. You may be wrong for not being a supportive wife, but we all make mistakes... it does not give him the right to do this. I agree that you need to be the wife he married right now, but I also think you need to have more confidence and know that you do not deserve your husband to be treating you like this... HE should be the one concerned that YOU are going to leave! I also don't like that he made excuses for their friendship... it's like he was guilting you to get you to allow the friendship. I don't know, but I thought it weird. Try the earlier advice you received... invite her to dinner... let her see your kids and PAY ATTENTION to how they behave. I saw this movie called "Little Children" with Kate Winslet and it had a similar situation in it and the wife invited her to dinner and learned a lot. This movie might make you upset because it is similar to what we are talking about, but it might be helpful... anyone else see it? Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 He is going to lach onto anything positive in his life. Oh, please, please, keep in mind that things said in anger are still said. You cant take those words back, when you apologize and say you didnt mean them... it just sounds half hearted. These words linger in the back of the mind... they never go away. Rule of thumb... if you have been berating him for 2 months... its going to take 3 months of positive reinforcement for him to actually believe that you value him. I agree with this. The only thing I don't understand is why you feel like it is your fault. Marriages hit rocky spots sometimes, but in my opinion it does not give him the right to go strike up a "best freind"ship with another woman. I 100% believe that married people should not have opposite sex friends... it's dangerous (I know... my dad cheated with my mom's best friend)... plus you always hear the stories about people who cheat... it started as a friendship where the OW builds the guy up when he hits rough spots in his marriage! Plus, there is NO WAY he should be talking to this girl about your marriage like you suspect. You may be wrong for not being a supportive wife, but we all make mistakes... it does not give him the right to do this. I agree that you need to be the wife he married right now, but I also think you need to have more confidence and know that you do not deserve your husband to be treating you like this... HE should be the one concerned that YOU are going to leave! I also don't like that he made excuses for their friendship... it's like he was guilting you to get you to allow the friendship. I don't know, but I thought it weird. Try the earlier advice you received... invite her to dinner... let her see your kids and PAY ATTENTION to how they behave. I saw this movie called "Little Children" with Kate Winslet and it had a similar situation in it and the wife invited her to dinner and learned a lot. This movie might make you upset because it is similar to what we are talking about, but it might be helpful... anyone else see it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hiswife Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 I feel that it is my fault because the 6 years we have been together total..he has always put up with my bullshi*t. I was raised in a house where there was always screaming (mostly on my mom's side)..and my stepdad always listening it and taking it in without a backbone. She made him feel like sh*t. And I think that I turned around and now acting just like my mother. My stepdad kept on telling me that is what I am doing with Josh. I have put my husband down so many times its not even funny. Like him staying at the firehouse a little longer than what he should (before the "friend".) He is a firefighter, this is his passion. At least at the time I knew he would always come back to me...and not messing around. I pushed the last button he had...I don't know. I Know that things will calm down eventually and hoping that this friend will back off. I'm still scared though. My husband never ever gave another girl a second glance until now. Me and the kids was his world...everyone thought we were the perfect couple... Thank you all for helping me. I will write back in a few weeks/days to let you know what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I feel that it is my fault because the 6 years we have been together total..he has always put up with my bullshi*t. I was raised in a house where there was always screaming (mostly on my mom's side)..and my stepdad always listening it and taking it in without a backbone. She made him feel like sh*t. And I think that I turned around and now acting just like my mother. My stepdad kept on telling me that is what I am doing with Josh. I have put my husband down so many times its not even funny. Oh, I see. It really does help to have a family members opinion since they actually see it. Well, then make sure you treat him nicely from now on. I can't remember if it was you I told or someone else, but there is a book called "Finding the Hero in Your Husband" by Dr. Julianna Slattery that really would help for this situation. I bet it would turn things around quickly. Also, I would make sure you apoligized to him for mistreating him and tell him that you want to save your marriage (just don't cry or beg). Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Can a man and woman be just friends? Absolutely......NOT! that is unless there is no physical, or possibly emotional, attraction to each other....and I mean NONE. either that or one of them is gay. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Bish, my boyfriend's son bought that portrait of Kramer for his dad ('cause he always buys him things HE wants so he can have 'em later). Sorry for jackin' the thread. But yes - men and women CAN just be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Can a man and woman be just friends? Absolutely......NOT! that is unless there is no physical, or possibly emotional, attraction to each other....and I mean NONE. either that or one of them is gay. At one time I would have agreed, but as I look back over my own life, I can see how a man and woman can be just friends. BUT...as soon as that friendship becomes more important than the friendship with either spouse, or if it turns to a physical attraction, then it becomes incredibly difficult to maintain it as a friendship only. In my life, there are a number of examples of friendships with women while married. The main criteria that kept it that way are...we refused to allow a physical attraction to occur, we never kept the friendship from our spouses, and we never went out alone without complete approval of spouses. As long as this friendship was second to our marriages, then it was successful. But that is not applicable here because this man is obviously infatuated with this "friend". And that is probably due to the vacuum in his own marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
IamASelfishSOB Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 The main criteria that kept it that way are...we refused to allow a physical attraction to occur, Excuse me, but how in the world do you control physical attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
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