Travis L Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 Ok, every once in a while I post a problem.. Here's a recap: --- Mid twenties, 4 year relationship, broke up for 5 months last year, got back together, together for 10 months and then she left again. 2 weeks later she was seeing someone else. I have always helped her with everything (money, schoolwork, etc...) It's now been almost 3 months since break up. I've done LC the whole time with no pursuing. I have dated a girl recently (nothing serious) --- Last Monday she calls me up to tell me she left the new guy...he was treating her like crap. I ask her if she wants to come stay the night at my place and she agrees.. I pamper the **** out of her and the next day we go run some of her errands together. She finds out that my new girl said I better never let my ex sit in her seat (my passenger seat). The ex grabs my phone from the dash and texts the new girl that she needs to keep her mouth shut, etc.. So the ex and the new girl go at it for a while on the phone and through texts.. the ex then texts the new girl that she could have me if she wanted me. The ex says to me, "I could, couldn't I? To which I reply, "We would both need to make some changes to make sure that we could work." We end up spending the next three days and nights together. Day three she comes to spend the night and tells me that she wants to see if her and the new guy could make things work. I encourage her to do what she wants and to follow her heart. She talks to him and he says that he doesn't have chemistry with her. She goes off on vacation ad he ends up meeting her there to say that he does have some feelings but that they need to take it slow. So, I some how end up in the friend zone as she calls me up to tell me that they are going to work on things. That night I text her saying how I still have feelings for her and think that we could work things out. I go on to say that I think she should do what her heart tells her and if that means going with the new guy to get unconfused, then that is what she should do. But, if she does do that then I am going to need time away from her (NC all the way) to heal so that eventually we can just be friends. She comes over the next day crying and saying how she is losing her best friend. I explain to her that I love her and see a future for us. I say that its not fair to me to sit on the sidelines as a friend helping her in every way like I did while we were together while she is with another man. She tells me that while she does love me...she is no longer in love with me and we weren't happy in the end. I agree with her on everything and say that it can be fixed if we work at it. I tell her I understand that she wants to try things with the new guy so I tell her that for now that we need to not talk. I tell her I need three months to heal. That she can only contact me if she is willing to try to work on us. If she doesn't contact me, then I will spend the time healing and moving on with my life. She is in a real pickle right now because she is broke and needs me to help her every week with her schoolwork (I have always done this for her). A part of me feels bad for doing this to her but I feel that she is doing it to herself and she will never appreciate what I do for her if I continue to help her while she is with another man. To clarify what I am accomplished during our break up: lost 40 lbs., got into grad school, interviewing for a better job, studied books on relationships, etc... Are there any suggestions or opinions on what I am doing? I feel like I am doing a mix of Plan B/NC/tough love. Any suggestions for improving my chances? I know that NC is not meant to encourage reconciliation but I felt like it was my only way to stay loving but give her time to appreciate me. In the end, it will give me time to heal should she choose to stay just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 You are her safety net and nothing more. Please read: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. ASAP. That will show you how your behavior is pushing her away, not keeping her around. Classic case, if I ever saw one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Travis L Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 You are her safety net and nothing more. Please read: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. ASAP. That will show you how your behavior is pushing her away, not keeping her around. Classic case, if I ever saw one. I've read several of your posts before Caliguy and I agree...I have been the "nice guy" for too long. I feel like she is keeping her hooks in me by saying she wants to be friends. That way she can continue to get all of the benefits of being with me without actually committing to me. Romantic needs met by someone else and all else is taken care of by me. (Have her cake and eat it too). I am hoping that this sort of tough love (NC/Plan B unless she chooses to come back) will give her time to appreciate all that I do for her and me time to heal. I will read that book but in the meantime do you suggest continuing with this course of action? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I've read several of your posts before Caliguy and I agree...I have been the "nice guy" for too long. I feel like she is keeping her hooks in me by saying she wants to be friends. That way she can continue to get all of the benefits of being with me without actually committing to me. Romantic needs met by someone else and all else is taken care of by me. (Have her cake and eat it too). I am hoping that this sort of tough love (NC/Plan B unless she chooses to come back) will give her time to appreciate all that I do for her and me time to heal. I will read that book but in the meantime do you suggest continuing with this course of action? Don't think of it so much as tough love in your case. Think of it as SELF RESPECT. You know she is using you. She proves it by her actions. Her words mean nothing. Respect yourself by putting her out of your mind and keeping her out of your life. Read the book ASAP. The sooner you do, the sooner your vision will be clear as to what you've been doing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Travis L Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 Don't think of it so much as tough love in your case. Think of it as SELF RESPECT. You know she is using you. She proves it by her actions. Her words mean nothing. Respect yourself by putting her out of your mind and keeping her out of your life. You and several of my friends have said the same thing...that I am not being a MAN about it and allowing her to get what she wants but not giving any in return. I just came around to this view when I delivered the NC speech to her. Read the book ASAP. The sooner you do, the sooner your vision will be clear as to what you've been doing wrong. Will do Link to post Share on other sites
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