Drank too much and cheated!

[guilty555]

I am a middle aged male who has been in a steady relationship for 7 and 1/2 years now. My partner is not a sexual person at all anymore. we used to have sex for the first two years weekly, but gradually over the years it has deteriorated to maybe once or twice a year, at the most. She says that she is just tired all the time, but it has been very difficult to cope over the last 4 years. She never kisses me anymore, never looks at me when I say goodbye, she even moves her feet away on the majority of occasions when I try to touch them with mine in bed! I just want to hold hands or cuddle every now and again but she does not. I am a reasonably sexual person, I am fit, and not ugly to look at.It has really been playing on my mind the last two years, and I have been getting more and more frustrated. I have noticed over the last two years that I really look at other women a lot now, and think about what it must be like to sleep with them. I am certainly not a deviant, but I have been so sexually frustrated it hurts!

Over the last six weeks one of my best mates wives has started making sexual teases towards me via phone texts, and during a couple of functions where we have both been drinking. She is reasonably attractive, with a nice body, and on Saturday night we ended up being alone after drinking a fair bit. I kissed her and did a fair bit of fondling, but we stopped after a while because I could not continue with it. She does not understand my guilt, and does not feel it herself, and has since asked if I would be interested in a 3-some with her and her husband(which I would never be a part of)! Anyhow, I have become depressed this week, and I am suffering from guilt, I have let down my partner, and one of my best friends ,and I do not know what to do. I will never put myself in this situation again, I cannot believe I went through with it. Please help me, how do I get over these feelings of guilt and despair? I dont think my partner would ever do it to me.

[IpAncA]

I am a middle aged male who has been in a steady relationship for 7 and 1/2 years now. My partner is not a sexual person at all anymore. we used to have sex for the first two years weekly, but gradually over the years it has deteriorated to maybe once or twice a year, at the most. She says that she is just tired all the time, but it has been very difficult to cope over the last 4 years. She never kisses me anymore, never looks at me when I say goodbye, she even moves her feet away on the majority of occasions when I try to touch them with mine in bed! I just want to hold hands or cuddle every now and again but she does not. I am a reasonably sexual person, I am fit, and not ugly to look at.It has really been playing on my mind the last two years, and I have been getting more and more frustrated. I have noticed over the last two years that I really look at other women a lot now, and think about what it must be like to sleep with them. I am certainly not a deviant, but I have been so sexually frustrated it hurts!

Over the last six weeks one of my best mates wives has started making sexual teases towards me via phone texts, and during a couple of functions where we have both been drinking. She is reasonably attractive, with a nice body, and on Saturday night we ended up being alone after drinking a fair bit. I kissed her and did a fair bit of fondling, but we stopped after a while because I could not continue with it. She does not understand my guilt, and does not feel it herself, and has since asked if I would be interested in a 3-some with her and her husband(which I would never be a part of)! Anyhow, I have become depressed this week, and I am suffering from guilt, I have let down my partner, and one of my best friends ,and I do not know what to do. I will never put myself in this situation again, I cannot believe I went through with it. Please help me, how do I get over these feelings of guilt and despair? I dont think my partner would ever do it to me.

 

I'm assuming your relationship is exclusive so she deserves to know what you did outside the relationship. Wouldn't you want to know?

 

And if your unhappy then I'd address what's going on. How else do you think things will get solved?

[wwjd]

for one thing, i don't think you should chalk up the reason you cheated to being inebriated. i am sure you are aware that alcohol is nothing more than a tool used to lower one's inhibition, allowing them to do things they would otherwise be too self-conscious/embarrassed to do.

 

in other words, if you have cheating in mind--just a small thought of, "oh, i wonder what it would be like to sleep with X person," followed by desires to actually go forth with it, which you apparently did--then all alcohol will do is eliminate that social boundary, if you will, that cheating is "wrong," allowing you to do what you would be less likely to do while sober and with social and moral inhibitions fully working--which is a good thing.

 

anyway, i'm saying this because it is so cliched and wrong to say that people cheat because of alcohol. alcohol, when it comes to cheating and anything equally stupid, is never a reason, but rather a mediocre excuse.

 

in your case, i believe that the desire to cheat was already there. perhaps you weren't consciously thinking about cheating, but that does not mean that such thoughts and desires where not viciously working in your subconscious.

 

because your SO is unwilling to have intimate relations with you as much as you would like, your thoughts began to stray. imo, the amount of sex you have is far too little to satisfy someone with a "normal" sex drive in a long term committed relationship. really.

 

it's understandable that you want to have sex more often that once or twice every year; it completely is. but that does not justify your actions. what you should have done is talk to her: unless she has a physical condition or oddly low libido, then i doubt she is "tired" 363 days of the year. more than likely, she is suffering from some psychological or emotional hang-up, which could mean that there is an underlying reason for the diminishing of her sex drive or because she may simply no longer be attracted to you.

 

unfortunately, what is done is done. imo, there is no better way to alleviate yourself of the guilt that you are feeling now other than by confronting it, meaning that you should tell her. i know this is a highly unpopular solution, but i think it is the most moral. she has been your partner for a very long time and you truly owe it to her to be honest about your mistake.

 

explain to her the reasons why you feel you did what you did as well as how far you went. i don't mean you should be graphic, but if you fondled the woman and did not have intercourse with her, she might consider lesser of an offense, unless she is the type of person who thinks cheating is cheating and that a kiss is the same as sex with another.

 

tell her what you did and why you did it. be honest with her. don't try to justify yourself--just explain yourself and let her be the judge of whether of not you deserve a second chance.

 

good luck.

[Enema]

I see:

 

Justification, Rationalization, Excuse.

 

None of these work. For you to get past this you have to realize it is entirely your fault and there are no excuses.

 

Sort out the problems in your marriage or get divorced. Cheating is never ok.

[VIP]

gradually over the years it has deteriorated to maybe once or twice a year, at the most. She says that she is just tired all the time, but it has been very difficult to cope over the last 4 years.

 

Her being "tired" is just an excuse. She doesn't want to fulfill her duty to you. She is probably not attracted to you. You've been putting up with this for 4 years !!! Why?

 

She never kisses me anymore, never looks at me when I say goodbye, she even moves her feet away on the majority of occasions when I try to touch them with mine in bed!

 

She definitely doesn't feel any affection towards you. You must have some self-esteem issues if you can allow her to treat you like that.

 

I have become depressed this week, and I am suffering from guilt

 

I think your partner should feel guilty, you wouldn't be doing it if she treated you right.

[Citizen Erased]

Her being "tired" is just an excuse. She doesn't want to fulfill her duty to you. She is probably not attracted to you. You've been putting up with this for 4 years !!! Why?

 

 

 

She definitely doesn't feel any affection towards you. You must have some self-esteem issues if you can allow her to treat you like that.

 

 

 

I think your partner should feel guilty, you wouldn't be doing it if she treated you right.

 

That is bull****. He needs to grow balls to break it off with her before sleeping with someone else. Her behavior may be bad, but if he isn't being satisfied and goes looking for it elsewhere then the OP should have the common decency to break up with her first.

 

Own up to what you did, let her go, and then go get laid. Stop wasting her and your time.

[Cobra_X30]

she even moves her feet away on the majority of occasions when I try to touch them with mine in bed!

 

Sounds like your not making an emotional connection. I'd bet money that if you put some effort into making her feel special, loved, and sexy, that she would open up to you again. You would also have a better Relationship!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Sounds like your not making an emotional connection. I'd bet money that if you put some effort into making her feel special, loved, and sexy, that she would open up to you again. You would also have a better Relationship!

 

i think it sounds like she is in the 'repulsed by him in every way mode due to to total and complete over-it-ness'. she's past the point of re-connecting with him; she doesn't even want to make eye contact or be anywhere near him.

 

trust me, when a girl is at that point, it's been over for her for a loooooong time, and any effort made on his part will be received, at best, as an extra annoyance to deal with until inevitable break-up.

[norajane]

Sounds like your not making an emotional connection. I'd bet money that if you put some effort into making her feel special, loved, and sexy, that she would open up to you again. You would also have a better Relationship!

 

Agreed. If you've been accepting the 'tired' excuse for 4 years, you have been making little effort to find out why she isn't interested in you anymore. Typically, when a woman's emotional needs aren't being met, sex is the first thing to leave the relationship. She has no interest in being close to you - there is something majorly wrong between you, and you aren't bothering to find out what it is.

 

What is the rest of your relationship like? Do you enjoy each other's company, do you go out on 'dates', do you plan weekends away together, do you compliment her and tell her what a special woman she is to you, do you listen to her when she wants to talk, do you flirt with her, do you do things around the house to take some of the burden off her (so she won't be so tired), do you talk about special future plans you would like to do with her (vacations, building a house, training for a triathlon, visiting all the baseball stadiums in the US, learning how to cook Indian food, anything) that will give you a shared goal...do you do ANYTHING that you used to when you first started dating...or do you just drift along day to day...?

 

Let this cheating be a wake-up call to you that your relationship is over unless something changes - and YOU have to be a part of the change. She will have sex with you when she likes you again - right now, she doesn't like you very much.

[RIDINGTHEBULLS1]

Men have needs that need to be met just like women do. But because those needs for men are sexual, they are disregarded. I'm sure you financially support your wife and do many of the things she needs to feel comfortable in life. Don't be upset at anyone but your wife by not giving what she should in a marriage.

[RIDINGTHEBULLS1]

"but gradually over the years it has deteriorated to maybe once or twice a year, at the most. "That is unacceptable."I dont think my partner would ever do it to me."Of course not since she isn't sexual to begin with.But she has rather made your life miserable by REJECTING you on a constant basis and refusing sex so she has taken a selfish path by putting herself first and you last. How is what you did any different? It isn't.

[bish]

I think your partner should feel guilty, you wouldn't be doing it if she treated you right.

 

Well if his partner wasn't treating him right then he should have left her then shouldn't he have?

 

But he doesn't.....wonder why?

[lindya]

Well if his partner wasn't treating him right then he should have left her then shouldn't he have?

 

But he doesn't.....wonder why?

 

This isn't one of those situations where the wife can reasonably believe that the relationship is going well, and that both people are sexually satisfied within it.

 

There are very clear problems in this marriage, and both are responsible for the failure to address that with a bit of courage and directness and decide whether there's any possibility of improving the situation. Cheating is not an admirable pastime, but neither is freezing a partner out with "Your touch repels me" signals.

 

They've both got equal responsibility for addressing this problem...but it looks as if they're both taking the head in sand approach. Her by staving off sexual contact with discouraging non-verbals, him by taking his sexual desires elsewhere.

[Fun2BMe]

A few of you are referring to his gf as his wife. You should read the first sentence of his post again.

 

You say you have let down one of your best friends. Why don't you turn it into that - just friends and tell her you are each free to have a sexual/serious relationship with someone else? I don't see how you can have sex once a year, not kiss, flirt or touch and consider each other gf/bf/partners. You are in reality just friends so she can't not want a sexual relationship and expect you to go along with it while not having one with someone else.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You say your sex life has deteriorated. You dont have sex anymore, no affection, no pda's?

 

I mean you say this has gone on for a long time?

 

If your so unhappy with the state of your marriage, then do something to change it. Marital counceling, sex specialist.

 

I understand your frustrations with sexual denialability.

 

Im a man, I get that.

 

But here's my take. If the IC or sex councelors dont work why dont you just file for legal seperation. To go date around. and hand her a letter explaining why. I mean it's only fair and it's only right. I mean leave before you tarnish the marriage with cheating.

 

You only make yourself look bad and hurt her in the long run. And also maybe she's just not emotionally feeling you anymore. and maybe she wants you to go. Either way, you be a man and take the lead and make your own path in life. Whether you want to stick it out with her. or play the field and find someone else , that choice is yours to make.

 

If I was in your situation I wouldnt be in a loveless marriage either. I would love my wife to death but if she cant or wont meet my needs then I would need to find someone else who will.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your partner how you feel and that things must change between you. I'm sure she has needs that aren't being met, just like you have needs that aren't being met by her. If you love her enough and want to make it work, GO to couples therapy and work together on this. A relationship needs TLC from BOTH people to keep it healthy and alive!

[bish]

This isn't one of those situations where the wife can reasonably believe that the relationship is going well, and that both people are sexually satisfied within it.

 

There are very clear problems in this marriage, and both are responsible for the failure to address that with a bit of courage and directness and decide whether there's any possibility of improving the situation. Cheating is not an admirable pastime, but neither is freezing a partner out with "Your touch repels me" signals.

 

I agree...but it is still no excuse to cheat. And in this case he messed around with his best friend's wife.....what a guy!

 

They've both got equal responsibility for addressing this problem...but it looks as if they're both taking the head in sand approach. Her by staving off sexual contact with discouraging non-verbals, him by taking his sexual desires elsewhere.

 

But his cheating is ALL his to own. And he cheated with his best friend's wife. Too bad his best friend didn't find out and he got what was coming to him.

[Darkzen]

Your relationship is in trouble if sex only happens once or twice a year. A relationship needs a healthy sexual relationship or it's nothing but a deep friendship (with sex every blue moon). It sounds like your partner is going through some issues TBH. Although, I don't believe that's an excuse for you to get away with cheating either. If you're not willing to help this person out of her obvious issues, break it off, don't resort to cheating. It's just plain wrong, regardless of the situation. In order for things to get fixed, they need to be talked about... yes people hate talking about their problems, but without it, nothing will change. Sometimes it's painful and others people will be stubborn (refusing to admit any fault) and even others they'll say what you want to hear without any intention of changing.