Is he having his own style of bachelor party?

[ayudame]

My boyfriend and I have been in a commited relationship for 2 years now.

 

We have talked about moving overseas together and it is now happening. We have had our plans and tickets set for the last 3 months.

 

Just a couple of days ago he mentioned wanting to go to his high school reunion which is a month AFTER we leave. I threw out a comment which I didnt really mean about him staying and coming after so he doesnt waste the money and after thinking about it some he has now decided to do this. He wants to use this time to settle everything in his business so he wont have to stress about it when we are living overseas. He has pushed the day that he comes back till 2 months after me.

 

He also chose to go to Burningman, a festival in the Nevada desert where there is a lot of drinking, drugs and nudity. All things that I dislike and am against. He is not.

 

He told me he wanted to go without me because he would have more fun. He said he did not want me to be around if I was going to be pouting or upset about the situations around me.He ended up going with his brother who is a single guy. There is no cell phone reception up there and he has not made the hourly bus trek to the nearest city to call me since he left.

 

I wonder if him going to this and wanting to come overseas later is him wanting a final farewell to being single as the move is a HUGE commitment and we will be considered as being in a common law marriage in this country.

 

I sat at home packing all our belongings up because we move 2 days after he gets back from this trip while he is out there enjoying himself not even calling home...

 

What do you guys think? I'm really having a hard time with this and any help would be GREATLY appreciated!

[ayudame]

Sorry,

Forgot to mention that he is a good guy and I don't believe he would cheat one me.

 

I do have some problems with jealousy codependancy and being insecure.

 

I'm not worried about the cheating. I'm worried he may be having second thoughts about this big life change and may change his mind during the 2 months or burningman..

[Touche]

I'd strongly reconsider marrying a man who has such different values from your own. Has this kind of conflict come up before in other ways?

 

I mean has he ever said that he'd have a better time without you before?

 

I've been with my H almost 13 years and he's never said that to me nor I to him.

[Touche]

Sorry,

Forgot to mention that he is a good guy and I don't believe he would cheat one me.

 

I do have some problems with jealousy codependancy and being insecure.

 

I'm not worried about the cheating. I'm worried he may be having second thoughts about this big life change and may change his mind during the 2 months or burningman..

 

Sorry, just saw this. So why not ask him? And in my opinion, if your love is so insecure that you think he might change his mind in 2 months then it's not a very good foundation for a marriage. I don't mean to be harsh but do you see what I'm saying?

[ayudame]

Yes, he has said it a couple of times before that.

 

I understand that i can get quiet, moody and shut down if I feel threatened in a situation. So, he doesnt want me around when he is going to be in situations that he knows will affect me.

 

he says once he sees a change in my behaviour of how i handle day to day struggles he will of course want to share those types of things with me...

 

Those are things i am working on....but do you think he is not being understanding enough until i get there or is he hadnling this the right way?

[allina]

 

I mean has he ever said that he'd have a better time without you before?

 

I've been with my H almost 13 years and he's never said that to me nor I to him.

 

I think it's a harsh thing to say but I see where he was coming from. I've said that to a bf before, not my current one but an ex. I wanted to go see a band he didn't like and he wouldn't shut up about how they weren't good and kept mocking them, I asked him to not come with me because he would just ruin my time there. If someone has no respect for something and doesn't want to be somewhere it's better not to have them there if they'll bitch and moan the whole time.

 

OP, maybe your bf wants to do a few things and see people for the last time before moving, this doesn't mean he is having second thoughts. Try to relax and take hold of your jealousy and codependent behavior because that's something that might make him have doubts. Let him enjoy his last month.

[ayudame]

Allina,

Thank you. Even that much has made me think a lot.

I do have A LOT of work to do on myself and I'm going to spend these few months doing as much as I can on myself.

 

I always need reassurance, and that is a problem right now because he has no cell phone connection.

 

It's very hard for me to reassure myself that we will be happily together in 2 months even though I know he greatly cares for me and of course me for him. Any thoughts on the best things to tell myself to pull me through the slumps?

[Touche]

Ok, well let me ask you this. Has he ever gone back on his word before? You say you trust him. So why would he tell you he's coming and then break his word? Have you asked him for reassurance? If so what does he say?

 

You really should try to work on that insecurity because it can really damage a good relationship and push a person away.

 

Maybe you should have considered going with him and trying something a little outside of your comfort zone? Would he do something outside of his comfort zone for you?

 

All things to think about.

[allina]

Allina,

Thank you. Even that much has made me think a lot.

I do have A LOT of work to do on myself and I'm going to spend these few months doing as much as I can on myself.

 

I always need reassurance, and that is a problem right now because he has no cell phone connection.

 

It's very hard for me to reassure myself that we will be happily together in 2 months even though I know he greatly cares for me and of course me for him. Any thoughts on the best things to tell myself to pull me through the slumps?

 

It's good that you are able to recognize and admit to issues you may have. It's natural to feel a little jealous at times, or to need some reassuring words, especially when you're going through such a big change. Just remember that you don't have to voice it to your bf each time you feel a little jealousy.

 

Above you mentioned that when you are in a situation where you feel threatened you get moody and shut down. What situations make you feel like this? I would suggest really working hard on changing that. You don't want to be a downer and suck the fun out of things your bf enjoys.

 

Let him enjoy his last month, you don't want him to stress about your reaction to everything he does. It's fair to expect a phone calls and/or emails from him telling you how much he misses you, but if he has no phone connection or a real reason it's understandable.

 

This isn't to say that your feelings and happiness should be neglected. If you are lonely or feel like he isn't contacting you enough speak up. Don't get moody and pouty, just tell him that you love him and you'd like more contact.

[ayudame]

Touche,

No, he has not gone back on his word. I just worry that when i am gone the problems that weve had in the past weeks will be what he thinks of instead of missing me and he wont want to come. it IS a huge move..

 

As for burningman...i told him i wanted to go and that I think I could really enjoy it if I stay away from the camps and people that are doing drugs.

Nudity....well, Ive got to say i wouldnt be too happy if I see my boyfriend hugging a naked girl....

 

Allina,

yeah, I think I'm focusing way too much on this phone call....but it's hard. i think its the least he could do when I'm packing up and cleaning our whole house full of things for the move..but then again I have to remind myself...he's moving to another country with me! leaving his family behind....that's much bigger then me having to pack a house...

 

agh....it just feels like I constantly have to talk myself into these positive thoughts.

 

We've had a major problem with me being totally against drugs and he choosing to use them a few times knowing I may not be there when he is done...

 

I think as of yesterday I finally worked though this and realized yes, i didn;t want a boyfriend who does drugs....but his is so rarely and he has so many other things that outweigh that that I will try my hardest to not give him a hard time about a decision that i think is not so great.

 

The situations that make me feel like that are when i feel threatened by another girl, an ex or conversations about drug use as a positive thing.

[Touche]

Well it sounds like he's been trustworthy. I mean the occasional drug use issue is up to you to decide if you can accept that or not. I mean that's part of who he is so it's not fair to later bug him about it. You really can't change people.

 

As for hugging a naked girl..hmm, not sure what to say to that. I would have gone I think but if you trust him then you have to trust that he will not step over a line.

 

There's not much you can do at this point but have faith and trust him is there? Why drive yourself crazy. If he lets you down then he wasn't the right man for you and you've saved yourself from making a big mistake. And if he comes through for you then you should learn from that and stop doubting him.

 

In the meantime, worrying won't help a thing. Just be optimistic and trust that he'll be the good man you deep down know him to be.

[allina]

 

As for burningman...i told him i wanted to go and that I think I could really enjoy it if I stay away from the camps and people that are doing drugs.

Nudity....well, Ive got to say i wouldnt be too happy if I see my boyfriend hugging a naked girl....

 

 

So this seems like a small thing but to me it's a big issue. You're putting these conditions on things he cannot control. There may be naked people on drugs where you are, some drunk/high naked girl might randomly put her arm around your bf. What if that happens? Will you get moody, quiet and ruin the trip? He might be afraid that something you don't like will happen and you'll ruin the trip so he doesn't want to risk it, it's not worth the worry.

[ayudame]

You guys really are amazing and just what I needed.

 

he really is an amazing guy. If he wanst I wouldnt be wanting to marry him and have him move overseas with me.

 

I think the best thing is the "trust him until he gives you a reason to not"

 

I try so har to do that but I'm like a toddler in that aspect. I constantly have to tell myself that. Over and over and over.

 

Allina-You hit the nail on the head....that is absolutely something that would damper my night and it would be something he didnt even have control over. So, I see why he didnt want me to go....but, it still really hurts that he doesnt even give me a chance to prove myself or to TRY and become ok with situations like that.

 

But yes, he is very respectful and would not cross the line.

 

So, when he comes home tomorrow....I know the first thing i want to ask is....did you do anything I wouldnt be thrilled with? But I shouldnt because it doesnt show trust....

 

Do I just ignore the fact that he's been gone for days without a call and possibly did drugs, got naked and drunk?

 

I want to know the worst of what happened....but is it wrong to ask?

[Touche]

Of course it's not wrong to ask. But ask in a casual way. Not in a way that may make him think you distrust him or that may put him on the defensive. You can even use humor like say "So how many naked women hugged you?":laugh:

 

If you can do that, he will be more likely to open up to you and tell you the truth without worrying that you'll freak out.

[allina]

 

So, when he comes home tomorrow....I know the first thing i want to ask is....did you do anything I wouldnt be thrilled with? But I shouldnt because it doesnt show trust....

 

Do I just ignore the fact that he's been gone for days without a call and possibly did drugs, got naked and drunk?

 

I want to know the worst of what happened....but is it wrong to ask?

 

Don't ask him "did you do anything i wouldn't be thrilled about" that sort of thing will make him feel like coming home to you is something to dread, something negative. You want your man to ook forward to returning back to you after time away.

 

I am really mellow and trust worthy with my bf but I would not be okay with him not calling for days. Was this a special case because he really couldn't call? Does he usually contact you more when he's away?

 

As for the nudity, alcohol and drugs, these are issues that should be cleared up in a relationship beforehand. Where do you stand on alcohol and drug use? Does he know how you feel and where you stand on the issues? Are you against him experimenting with drugs at Burning Man? You have the right to have standards when it comes to this stuff, but these should be communicated early on in a relationship.

 

For example, I have been to Burning Man before, my bf has not. I have done drugs like acid, extacy etc. and my bf has not. I have known for a long time what is and isn't okay with him and what standards he has for himself and what standards he has for me. I know that I would be free to go to burning man, get drunk and dance around naked. My bf trusts me and understands that this is not something 'bad'. However since he is committed to me and plans on marring me I would not drop acid or do any drugs other than pot. I know that he does not want his gf to use hard drugs and I understand that. He knows I did a little experimenting when I was younger and he's okay with that. I'm no longer even interested in doing them but I think it's a good example.

[ayudame]

The thing is that i dont know if I can ask in a joking way. Plus, I think he will see right through me because I am NO good at hiding things.

 

I really want him to come home and think....wow, maybe I SHOULD have taken her. Next time I definately will.

 

He knows where I stand on drugs and alcohol.

 

But he sees is as MY problem and tells me that there will be consequences due to my high beliefs and standards.

 

He has done mushrooms knowing I may not be able to deal with it and might leave him due to it. He said if I wasnt around it just meant that I need somebody who holds my same beliefs. And yes, that would make things more simple. But I am in love with HIM and want to make things work.

 

So he doesnt see the consequence of losing his girlfriend over going off and doing mushrooms but he does see it as a consequense for me.

 

If I'm going to stick to my strong beliefs my consequence is losing a boyfriend.

Does that make sense to you guys?

Is that just totally one sided? selfish?

 

I dont understand how such ocassional drug use is more important than a loving relationship. He thinks, if it IS so ocassional, why should it be a big deal?

[go43ah]

Touche & allina......... could really use ur help w/my issue: fiance in las vegas.... go43ah. if u need more info just ask. i reaaly miss him terribly!!!