NC / tough love

[Travis L]

Ok, every once in a while I post a problem.. Here's a recap:

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Mid twenties, 4 year relationship, broke up for 5 months last year, got back together, together for 10 months and then she left again 1 week prior to me proposing (she didn't know at the time). 2 weeks later she was seeing someone else. I have always helped her with everything (money, schoolwork, etc...) It's now been almost 3 months since break up. I've done LC the whole time with no pursuing. I have dated a girl recently (nothing serious)

---

Last Monday she calls me up to tell me she left the new guy...he was treating her like crap. I ask her if she wants to come stay the night at my place and she agrees.. I pamper the **** out of her and the next day we go run some of her errands together. She finds out that my new girl said I better never let my ex sit in her seat (my passenger seat). The ex grabs my phone from the dash and texts the new girl that she needs to keep her mouth shut, etc.. So the ex and the new girl go at it for a while on the phone and through texts.. the ex then texts the new girl that she could have me if she wanted me. The ex says to me, "I could, couldn't I? To which I reply, "We would both need to make some changes to make sure that we could work."

 

We end up spending the next three days and nights together. Day three she comes to spend the night and tells me that she wants to see if her and the new guy could make things work. I encourage her to do what she wants and to follow her heart. She talks to him and he says that he doesn't have chemistry with her. She goes off on vacation ad he ends up meeting her there to say that he does have some feelings but that they need to take it slow.

 

So, I some how end up in the friend zone as she calls me up to tell me that they are going to work on things. That night I text her saying how I still have feelings for her and think that we could work things out. I go on to say that I think she should do what her heart tells her and if that means going with the new guy to get unconfused, then that is what she should do. But, if she does do that then I am going to need time away from her (NC all the way) to heal so that eventually we can just be friends.

 

She comes over the next day crying and saying how she is losing her best friend. I explain to her that I love her and see a future for us. I say that its not fair to me to sit on the sidelines as a friend helping her in every way like I did while we were together while she is with another man. She tells me that while she does love me...she is no longer in love with me and we weren't happy in the end. I agree with her on everything and say that it can be fixed if we work at it. I tell her I understand that she wants to try things with the new guy so I tell her that for now that we need to not talk. I tell her I need three months to heal. That she can only contact me if she is willing to try to work on us. If she doesn't contact me, then I will spend the time healing and moving on with my life.

 

She is in a real pickle right now because she is broke and needs me to help her every week with her schoolwork (I have always done this for her). A part of me feels bad for doing this to her but I feel that she is doing it to herself and she will never appreciate what I do for her if I continue to help her while she is with another man.

 

To clarify what I am accomplished during our break up: lost 40 lbs., got into grad school(MBA in two years), interviewing for a better job, studied books on relationships, etc...

 

Are there any suggestions or opinions on what I am doing? I feel like I am doing a mix of Plan B/NC/tough love. Any suggestions for improving my chances? I know that NC is not meant to encourage reconciliation but I felt like it was my only way to stay loving but give her time to appreciate me. In the end, it will give me time to heal should she choose to stay just friends.

[funkybassplayer]

can you really be freinds with her? no i dont think so, do you want to be used, although you may not think thats what it is. It sounds to me she needs time alone, away from you both, and you sound like you have a good future, with or without her. maybe let her go, and let the future bring what it has to, and you concentrate on you. You know in your heart that that is the right thing for you, and it is about you. Shes not your best friend yet, as the relationship end is still raw, and she needs to sort out in her own mind what she wants, and you do as well. If shes broke, its not your concern, and she still had money for a holiday? well do what you feel, but do it for you.

[Travis L]

Thanks fbp - Yeah, I think the time away from each other will do us good. I think I have some fear that someone else will jump in and take my spot while she is in pain. Maybe that would actually be a blessing, I dunno.

 

She called me today, after 3 days NC, because she had a question about her school schedule. Grrr.. I never should have answered but I was thinking, "Yes, she has finally come around!!!" Oh well, I really believe both of us need a break from each other.

[sedgwick]

Okay...wait...you're with someone who's so into drama that she would get on her cell phone and start a text fight with the new girl you're dating? Is she thirteen years old?

[tinke]

why would an accomplished ( not so much education, but i mean you obviously set and meet higher goals), young man want to be involved with such drama? if this is how she acts early in the relationship, do you have any idea what this signifies for long-term?

run!!!

 

ask yourself, what would those who love you suggest?

[Travis L]

Okay...wait...you're with someone who's so into drama that she would get on her cell phone and start a text fight with the new girl you're dating? Is she thirteen years old?

 

I hear ya.. I think it had to do with her feeling hurt by the fact that the new girl said that it was "her seat." It's childish but the way in which the new girl responded actually showed me that SHE (new girl) is not someone I want in my life. After four years of riding shotgun with me (It's a Mustang GT convertible - the ex's favorite car of all time) and then to all of a sudden feel replaced, hurt her. She made her bed by leaving though...

 

I really don't think she is a drama queen...she's just a class A B*tch and I love her for it (haha).

[Travis L]

why would an accomplished ( not so much education, but i mean you obviously set and meet higher goals), young man want to be involved with such drama? if this is how she acts early in the relationship, do you have any idea what this signifies for long-term?

run!!!

 

ask yourself, what would those who love you suggest?

 

Thanks for your response ~ Well, I assume you are speaking of the ex and it isn't an early relationship (we were together for 4 years). She left and then after a few months we started hanging out again... The new girl responded to the ex's text messages by using VERY trashy language and while I can't blame her for being upset, I told the new girl that i just want her and I to be friends.

 

I'm looking for a certain level of maturity in a mate and both of them exhibited deplorable behavior.

 

JUST FYI: When I met the ex 4 years ago, she was 22, working in a dead end job, dropped out of high school, no car, no money. Now that she has been with me she got her diploma, is in college, has a $30,000 car, and $5,000 in the bank. Her family tells me thank you every time I see them... The ex says, "I would have done it all without you." I think I have a savior complex.

 

Caliguy and myself see me as being too nice. Caliguy, I'm still waiting for that book.

[tinke]

yes, i was referring to the ex. still, she had reappeared after some time apart and claimed ownership. you are not the parent of these ladies, nor do you need to succumb to their wishes, only. do you feel you need this to validate your self-worth?

 

it all sounds too dramatic and eventually exhausting.

[Travis L]

yes, i was referring to the ex. still, she had reappeared after some time apart and claimed ownership. you are not the parent of these ladies, nor do you need to succumb to their wishes, only. do you feel you need this to validate your self-worth?

 

it all sounds too dramatic and eventually exhausting.

 

I agree it is a huge mess... While I know I don't need either one of them, I get a feeling of pride by helping people.

 

Since we went no contact, I started reanalyzing us and I don't think I really even want her back.. At this point I have a feeling like I couldn't love ANYONE right now.. I know its temporary but just how I feel right now.

 

Her contacting me today threw me off a little... During our conversation I told her that I am pretty much over us ever getting back together (the truth), to which she asked if we can just be friends. I don't know how well friends is going to work right now (or ever).....

 

I've spent the last three months looking for peace of mind. Now that I have it (more like feeling numb), I don't know what to do. I just can't fall back into the depression stage that i went through for the first two weeks. I suppose I just need to stay busy and put one foot in front of the other.

[tinke]

you do not have to agree to her request to stay friends, you do not have to appease her. it may be her way of keeping in. if she truly does respect and care about you, she will honor your need to be alone (even temporarily).

 

there is nothing wrong with being alone and rediscovering yourself, in fact, beneficial.

 

you do seem too kind-hearted, it is time to care for you now...follow your desires.

[Travis L]

A big part of me thinks she wants me as a friend because she needs my help with so many things... When she left her fiance of 7 years she left him and never looked back (no contact other than when she had to drop off money to pay for the cell phone).

 

I can't say that I want nothing to do with her forever but I agree, being alone and away from each other would probably be the best way for me to heal and focus solely on me for once.

 

It's weird, I have a degree in Psychology and in every other aspect of my life, I am in complete control. It's these damn relationship problems that I have always had a problem in deciphering.

[tinke]

who doesn't have trouble with relationships? for one thing, you're too close to see things objectively. what you are saying now with taking time out for you does make good sense..you deserve time and efforts for YOU.

 

wait..first she wants to be your g.f., then wants to remain friends for your help (you believe)? sounds a bit too convenient for her. try to set some limits and focus on you. no wait, do set some limits and focus on YOU!

 

you do not apppear to be in love with this woman, but rather feel some sort of obligation to meet her needs. how is she your responsibility? particularly when not in a relationship with her? time to reflect...

[Travis L]

Yeah, like I said in my original post, it appears that she would like her cake and eat it too: be single so she can get her romantic needs met by someone/ones else and still have me on the sidelines to help her.

 

I truly felt in love with her until just about two days ago...I don't know what happened but I think I reached my "enough is enough" point in the whole matter.

 

I do feel some obligation (although misplaced) to help her reach all the goals that I had helped her develop. Consciously I know it is not my responsibility anymore...I believe it is a deep rooted behavior ingrained after four years of repetition. I need to get out of the cycle and focus on me...easier said then done. I wish i had come to this conclusion the day I told her I needed to say goodbye to her for a while...I loaned her $300. She spent the 5k she had in the bank over the last three months that we have been separated.

 

If I were on the outside looking in I would call me rather whipped and pathetic. Time to man up and kick her ass to the curb for a while...in a gentle yet stern way (I cannot pretend to be mean...).

[Ladyjane14]

I don't come in here too often. To be honest, I can only keep up with three of four boards at a time.

But I saw your post on another thread, and I was curious about your situation.

 

 

I

I really don't think she is a drama queen...she's just a class A B*tch and I love her for it (haha).

 

Travis, I see the SAME THING these other kind folks are seeing, a ball-busting, man-eating DQ in her prime.

 

She had you feeling bad about being "jealous and controlling" when all the time she was actually LYING to you about her contact with other men.

 

She imposed herself upon the new girl you were dating, probably destroying any possibility for that relationship to eventually blossom. (Calling that new girl on the phone, regardless of what her own previous history was on the subject of "ownership" of the car seat... was completely inappropriate.)

 

And ALREADY she's failed to respect your request for no contact.

You explained to her very well that you need this time for healing, so that you can feel whole and well again. This tells us that she doesn't give a rat's ass what YOU need if it interferes with what she wants.

 

Your posts have been peppered with her tears and her drama... and with YOU consistently running to her rescue again and again like she's some kind of damsel in distress. You're marching to the beat of her drum, man.

 

Think about it... She moved on with a new guy a measly two weeks after ending your FOUR YEAR relationship, but now.. she's running back and forth with THAT guy as well. Drama. Drama. Drama.

 

And here you are, a young guy... and at this point in life drama can be a fairly exciting, titillating, and even attractive thing. But I guarantee you, it's gonna run thin when you're 40 with a couple of kids, a mortgage, and a minivan.

 

Dude... you have sooooo 'missed the bullet' here. I just wish you could see it. DQs make EVERYONE around them miserable because all the people around them are just satellites as far as they're concerned... people whose only useful purpose is to VALIDATE them.

 

Give it time. Stick to your NC. You were just 22 when you got involved with this girl. It sounds to me like maybe you've yet to see the yardstick for NORMAL. And I think if you ever do, you'll be shocked at the difference.

[Travis L]

I don't come in here too often. To be honest, I can only keep up with three of four boards at a time.

But I saw your post on another thread, and I was curious about your situation.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by You and Gunny make a great tag team in the Divorce thread... This thread actually had "(help, LJ, Gunny, anyone?)" but it was removed by the mod.

 

Travis, I see the SAME THING these other kind folks are seeing, a ball-busting, man-eating DQ in her prime.

 

She had you feeling bad about being "jealous and controlling" when all the time she was actually LYING to you about her contact with other men.

 

I hear ya... I don't take full blame for the jealousy and controlling behavior but she doesn't see it that way. Not my problem but it made for frustrating conversations as she would pull the trump card: "you don't trust me and you never will again and I cannot be with someone who doesn't trust me"

 

She imposed herself upon the new girl you were dating, probably destroying any possibility for that relationship to eventually blossom. (Calling that new girl on the phone, regardless of what her own previous history was on the subject of "ownership" of the car seat... was completely inappropriate.)

 

100% agree. A part of me was trying to MAKE her jealous by telling her what the new girl said. Immature on all sides...

 

And ALREADY she's failed to respect your request for no contact.

You explained to her very well that you need this time for healing, so that you can feel whole and well again. This tells us that she doesn't give a rat's ass what YOU need if it interferes with what she wants.

 

Your posts have been peppered with her tears and her drama... and with YOU consistently running to her rescue again and again like she's some kind of damsel in distress. You're marching to the beat of her drum, man.

 

Think about it... She moved on with a new guy a measly two weeks after ending your FOUR YEAR relationship, but now.. she's running back and forth with THAT guy as well. Drama. Drama. Drama.

 

When I see a loved one in pain, I have a tendency to reach out to them to help solve his or her problems... I have slowly learned that she has little interest in my well being. She actually said that me wanting time away was SELFISH!!! I asked, "and you leaving the relationship was for whose benefit?" To which she replied, "WE were not happy...I did it for both of us." Thanks a lot babes...I'm so happy you walked out the door for MY benefit!

 

And here you are, a young guy... and at this point in life drama can be a fairly exciting, titillating, and even attractive thing. But I guarantee you, it's gonna run thin when you're 40 with a couple of kids, a mortgage, and a minivan.

 

Dude... you have sooooo 'missed the bullet' here. I just wish you could see it. DQs make EVERYONE around them miserable because all the people around them are just satellites as far as they're concerned... people whose only useful purpose is to VALIDATE them.

 

Give it time. Stick to your NC. You were just 22 when you got involved with this girl. It sounds to me like maybe you've yet to see the yardstick for NORMAL. And I think if you ever do, you'll be shocked at the difference.

 

I hear what you are saying... She was the most NORMAL girl I had ever dated until she started to change. She had none of the DQ tendencies during the first 3 years of our relationship. Once she got a new job working with mostly young college students (18 and 19), she started to change... I know what I need to do, it's just executing it that I am having problems with. The theory is simple, stop answering calls and stop making them... I just have to execute...

[norajane]

Last Monday she calls me up to tell me she left the new guy...he was treating her like crap. I ask her if she wants to come stay the night at my place and she agrees.. I pamper the **** out of her and the next day we go run some of her errands together. She finds out that my new girl said I better never let my ex sit in her seat (my passenger seat). The ex grabs my phone from the dash and texts the new girl that she needs to keep her mouth shut, etc.. So the ex and the new girl go at it for a while on the phone and through texts.. the ex then texts the new girl that she could have me if she wanted me. The ex says to me, "I could, couldn't I? To which I reply, "We would both need to make some changes to make sure that we could work."

 

:eek::eek::eek:

 

You have GOT to be kidding me!

 

Sorry, I haven't read any of the posts except your first one. Your ex is a PIG for contacting your current gf and for engaging in this childish, ridiculous, and downright vicious behavior, and you are an ASS for allowing her to do this to the girl you were actually seeing!

 

You do not deserve to have a new girlfriend - I hope she dumped your ass after this episode. The controlling freak that is your ex is going to make your life miserable, and is going to keep leading you around by the nose at her whim as long as you serve your balls to her on a silver platter.

 

Please, if you think any of this is normal behavior, or that you have a prayer in hell of having an honest, loving relationship with this ex of yours, get some therapy and find out why you are attracted to a woman who will control and manipulate you, while you thank her for making your life a living breathing nightmare as she has sex with some other man while you wait.

[Travis L]

:eek::eek::eek:

 

You have GOT to be kidding me!

 

Sorry, I haven't read any of the posts except your first one. Your ex is a PIG for contacting your current gf and for engaging in this childish, ridiculous, and downright vicious behavior, and you are an ASS for allowing her to do this to the girl you were actually seeing!

 

Thank you for your wonderful insight norajane. If you would have read my future posts you would have seen that I stated that it was childish for me to allow her to do this... I actually didn't have much of a choice as I do not put my hands on a woman. Obviously, you enjoy physical abuse or you would understand. She kept my phone and refused to return it. Only when she put it down was I able to take it back.

 

You do not deserve to have a new girlfriend - I hope she dumped your ass after this episode. The controlling freak that is your ex is going to make your life miserable, and is going to keep leading you around by the nose at her whim as long as you serve your balls to her on a silver platter.

 

Thank you for saying that i do not deserve another girlfriend. Actually she is a new girl, not a girlfriend..just a friend that I had been talking to (not dating).

 

Please, if you think any of this is normal behavior, or that you have a prayer in hell of having an honest, loving relationship with this ex of yours, get some therapy and find out why you are attracted to a woman who will control and manipulate you, while you thank her for making your life a living breathing nightmare as she has sex with some other man while you wait.

 

norajane - Again, thank you for your wonderful insights! Your posts are both original and uneducated at the same time. In the future, please have the decency to read the entire thread if you are going to comment as I have tried to explain a little more. I have never claimed to be perfect (that is why I am here) but I am trying to get myself sorted out. Again, they were going at it back and forth...not a one sided lashing by my ex.

 

It's inexcusable on all sides (mine included) but please be productive and criticize with a purpose...saying I do not deserve another girlfriend would equate me to an abuser, cheater, or liar and I am none of those.

[Ladyjane14]

...When I see a loved one in pain, I have a tendency to reach out to them to help solve his or her problems...

 

...I know what I need to do, it's just executing it that I am having problems with. The theory is simple, stop answering calls and stop making them... I just have to execute...

 

Here's the incentive then... You can't help this girl by "helping" her.

 

There are times in life when it's kinder to slap a hand than hold it. And if it's true that this incident is her first foray into the world of high drama (which is kind of hard to believe )... then the lesson for her will be that it doesn't pay off.

 

You are here at LS, Travis... learning what's necessary to keep a romantic relationship whole and sound. But she isn't studying the printed word like you are, she's learning through experience.

 

This lesson, that she's about to be exposed to, may or may not change her outlook. That's not up to you. But one thing's for certain, the facts are right there laid out before her to peruse at her leisure...

You don't cheat. You don't lie. And you don't f*ck with your partner's head. Because if you do... you get dumped.

 

This won't save your relationship with her. (Frankly, you can't afford to take her back anyway until she learns how to act like somebody. )

But IF she ever does pull her head out of her hindquarters, she'll have better tools for making a relationship work. Whether it's with you or with someone else... you've helped her learn an invaluable lesson about personal responsibility.

[Travis L]

Here's the incentive then... You can't help this girl by "helping" her.

 

Thank you for your advice, LJ. I have no intention of continuing to help her. I do, however, fear that I am being inconsistent with her. I go from all happy and indifferent to her to stern and upset.

 

Today I let her know that it is time to get her stuff out of my house and she got all pissey complaining about not having a place to put it (she doesn't want to move fast with the new guy). She goes on to ask, "So, I guess we're not going to be friends again?" I said, " I don't really care what you want to call us but you haven't been much of a friend to me in a long time." She didn't respond.

 

Tomorrow is our 3 month break up anniversary and I've come along way but I still have a lot to learn. My new girl (not gf) has been very patient with me and the situation. We have been talking for 2 months now and she seems pretty adamant about speeding things up with us. We both got dumped (within two weeks of each other) by our almost fiance/fiancee of four years... She made a move to speed up her healing ~ she moved 1,000 miles away from her ex to where I live (before we met)...we came across each other when we were both looking for reconciliation with our ex's and helped each other to that end. She's done with her ex, "in love" with me, and I just enjoy her company.

 

Why do I always jump into new relationships before I am over the last? My ex was a rebound that lasted four years... The girl before her was a rebound from an even earlier relationship! I feel like I don't give my all to new relationships as I am not over the last girl, which leads to neglecting the new relationship and it goes sour! It's not fair to anyone for me to get involved in a new relationship...it doesn't help that I have a gorilla on my back (the ex).

 

Both of my most recent ex's were in serious relationships when I met them (one was engaged [7 year R], and another was married) They both left their relationships to be with me and I'm not proud of that. I think I am a challenge junky...need that unobtainable girl (my ex now fits in that category). The new girl is 100 times more attractive, educated, and fits all of what I am looking for yet I am still hung up (a little) on the ex!

 

UGH, I'm going to become a monk and move to the mountains!

[Trialbyfire]

You don't cheat. You don't lie. And you don't f*ck with your partner's head. Because if you do... you get dumped.

 

Listen to LJ. She's got it bang on. People don't learn anything unless there's trauma. No trauma, no change.

 

If you need a reason to distance yourself from a user, consider yourself "cruel to be kind".

[heartoutside]

Travis I suggest reading as quickly as possible, no more mr nice guy. Everything you've described about yourself is exactly what this book looks at and helps change. I think its' the same book Caliguy was going to suggest. The title is a little miss leading, it isn't about becoming an a-hole, but more about focusing on yourself, and making sure you make decissions and choices that are for your benefit and not for others. I finished it today, and it made my day. I'm kind of going through a simliar situation, 3 months post breakup, broke up with me a week before I was going to propose (She didn't know, still doesn't), ex asked for space and has yet to take it because she contacts me all the time, didn't get her stuff out and got mad when I asked her to get her stuff out......

 

Read the book.......if anything it will help with your current relationship with this new girl, maybe help you feel something for her that you didn't before.

[Travis L]

I'm kind of going through a simliar situation, 3 months post breakup, broke up with me a week before I was going to propose (She didn't know, still doesn't), ex asked for space and has yet to take it because she contacts me all the time, didn't get her stuff out and got mad when I asked her to get her stuff out......

 

Wow, our situations sound very similar!!! I wonder if we treated them differently when it was coming time to pop the question...

 

Read the book.......if anything it will help with your current relationship with this new girl, maybe help you feel something for her that you didn't before.

 

I keep saying I'm going to get that book...I'm going to go on amazon and get it tonight. Out of curiosity, is her stuff still at your place or did she finally get it? It's like pulling teeth for me to get her to pick it up...

[heartoutside]

Actually, here's the quick odd story. I went to south america for 10 days ( a trip she and I had always talked about doing, but I didn't do it until she broke up with me). I had told my friends not to bring the trip up if they hang out with my ex, but if my ex asks tell her. Some how one of our friends says that I don't want her knowing about my trip. My ex gets pissed sends me a message while in south america saying that it was a ****ty thing for me to do, and that she'll have her stuff out by the time I get back (in 3 days). I get back, her stuff is still where it was when I left. She even came to my place, checked her mail and trashed the mail she didn't want leaving it on top of my office trash can so I could see it. I call her a few days later telling her that it's nothing personal, but she needs to get her stuff out. I have a roommate moving in and I need the keys and your stuff out. She asks why does it matter if her stuff is there, and I tell her because we aren't a couple and she isn't on the lease. Anyway, she flips out bascially. That afternoon she sends me a text asking if we can talk. We talk that night and she kind of apologizes in her own way (didn't say i'm sorry, but I knew where she was going).

Anyway, so i ended up driving her stuff over to our friends house. Its still there. She sent me a text a few days ago asking if her camera cable was with that stuff.

 

The crappy thing is I still have a few things of hers her, and I'm not sure if she knows or not. I totally forgot to load them up (it's under my bed) and I keep forgetting to take them over (plus I don't want to see this friend right now) because I've been busy and out of town.

 

Dude just drive the stuff over, either to her place or some place where she can get her stuff...stop being nice It took my ex 2 months to get her stuff out, and she had a whole week of vacation time to get it out, and she said on numerous occasions that she would have it all out by "such and such" day. Never happened. What felt really good for me was actually telling her to get her **** out. For once I stood up for myself, I told her over and over on the phone that she had to get it out, that she ended our relationship, she didn't live her, and that we weren't a couple. She just didn't understand why she couldn't leave her things. I think she really got a taste of the reality and she didn't like it, thus the reaction of "what the fudge is your fudge'n deal!??"

 

Look for the book on half.com, or ebay, I got mine used for 6 bucks.

[Travis L]

Actually, here's the quick odd story.

 

Ohhhh, yeah, I have read part of your thread before... I'm still confused by why she thought you should have told her about you going to South America! Then again, I am confused by a lot of my ex's statements and actions post-breakup. Did you happen to visit Venezuela? I lived there for about a year (before Chavez became president).

 

Dude just drive the stuff over, either to her place or some place where she can get her stuff...stop being nice It took my ex 2 months to get her stuff out, and she had a whole week of vacation time to get it out, and she said on numerous occasions that she would have it all out by "such and such" day. Never happened. What felt really good for me was actually telling her to get her **** out. For once I stood up for myself, I told her over and over on the phone that she had to get it out, that she ended our relationship, she didn't live her, and that we weren't a couple. She just didn't understand why she couldn't leave her things. I think she really got a taste of the reality and she didn't like it, thus the reaction of "what the fudge is your fudge'n deal!??"

 

One of the problems is that she's homeless...she stays some nights at her new guys house (no idea where that is), some nights at her female friends house, and some nights at her sisters. She's waiting to rent a house with her female friend (supposedly at the end of the month). I'm going to give her a deadline and if she doesn't pick it up by then, the stuff is ending up at the bar she manages (ok, maybe her sisters).

 

I'm still just pissed off at her. She wants to be my "friend." At first I was OK with this as it meant 3 nights in a row of spending the night together. After that, haven't seen her in three weeks. She calls, texts, etc...but I don't really have a lot to talk about... "How are you doing..." blah blah.. I'm worried that I am more pissed at losing the #1 priority position than at losing her...

 

I guess I am ready to find that girl that really helps me enjoy life to the fullest...and not the girl that runs because she is temporarily unhappy, needs space, blah blah... I still cannot get over her saying when she left, "I love you, I want to marry you~just not right now, and I just need space." Oh well, such is life...

 

So, do you still see yourself with her in the long run? Has she seen anyone since the breakup?

 

Look for the book on half.com, or ebay, I got mine used for 6 bucks.

 

I just bought it! Should be here in a few days

[heartoutside]

She is kind of seeing someone...although I'm not sure what to think of it. I kind of think she's using him to piss me off or get some kind reaction from me. He's totally not her type, and a guy I know her close childhood friends won't really get along with (not that matters though). A month or so ago she brought this guy to our buddies bar, my friend was talking to him while my ex was talking to one of our buddies. My buddie had his arm around her in a friendly way and I guess this new dude stopped his conversation with my friend and just looked at my ex. My friend asked him if that bugged him and he said wouldn't it bug you? Later that night the same friend goes up to my ex and asks her whats up with you and this guy, are you dating, and she says no, i'm happy being single. But who knows, I could be fooling myself.

 

Right now, I'm just focusing on myself. If she contacts me, fine, I may reply. For example, last night I went on myspace to tell some of my friends I would in NYC for the weekend and I would like get a drink. I notice i have a message, who's it from? My ex. Hi, what are you up too?!? I didn't reply. It's one thing to text, or even to call, but I'm not doing the myspace thing. Should I reply? I thought about just saying,"it's ok, if we text or to call, but I don't think we should do myspace." Or something like that...should I reply at all??

 

OK as for her stuff, take it to her sisters this saturday. There is no reason to wait, get it done. Call her up and just put it down point blank in a nice secure manner. Tell her it's nothing personal you just need the space or something and ask if there is a time I can drop your stuff off at your sisters house. Putting it off is part of the mr nice guy persona, you're making excuses. You don't have any, there's a place you can take that stuff right now, so take it!