Baubles Posted April 5, 2003 Share Posted April 5, 2003 I've chosen to start this thread on a new man rather than my drivel over my ex...who on sunday called and said something to the effect that he felt uncomfortable the next after the last time we fooled around b/c his feelings haven't returned...that we can just be "friends" w/ no kissing....which is originally what we were supposed to be he said after the break-up...we were supposed to go for dinner this weekend...but I don't feel like calling him back or seeing him since Wednesday.... I went to a luncheon at my ole place of employment and sat next to a fellow co-worker there- who is 57, we are in the same field of work and he has been my mentor. Over the previous past 2 years, I had kissed him a couple of times, and then on a second occasion we were having kissing, groping, but I didn't want him to go back to my place as I was worried it would progress too quickly, then more kissing, and then Wed. more kissing. Ok, WEd. he commented that another fellow asked him who the hottie sitting next to him was <me>. Well, this cheered me up- as I'd been feeling a lil down since my break-up. So, this guy I worked w/, Ben, likes to hang out w/ the guys at a local restaurant and eat and have a few beers during the week, he is single, no kids, divorced when he was 24...so...I stop by, he's happy to see me, he buys me a couple of beers, we chat for 4 hrs, he drops me off at home (we live a few blocks from each other)...and i lean in to hug him, and then we both lean in to kiss and then some heavy kissing, then he pulls back and thanks me, saying he really needed that tonight.... now, not to rehash every episode w/ this man- but I have on many occasions (not in the past yr though)- made it clear I could be interested in more...he for whatever reason doesn't want to date someone 1/2 his ago (I'm 30)- he's finds me physically attractive, says I'm intelligent, witty, etc....one night I had gotten upset and pressed why he wasn't interested he said I was too "petulant and impatient"- it was true and I took it to heart, a year later, he said he couldn't get involved w/ me even though he wanted to b/c I was too "controlling"- last night I brought these things up liek gee I've matured, and he didn't seem to recall saying I was controlling, and that actually I should remain petulant and impatient well into my 90s- it makes me interesting or something like that. now I know this man in his ways is not going to change his mind...I'm just curious- does anyone have any clues as to why a man is age is not interested in someone he gets along w/ so well? I would like to be closer to him- we exchangge e-mails once to 2x a month...but after everyone of these episodes he acts funny- afterwards I asked if we were okay- all he replied w/ yes, he was ok, was I? beats me... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 5, 2003 Share Posted April 5, 2003 I'm quite sure he is attracted to you and I'm quite sure he is fond of you personally. However, he is old enough and has sufficient wisdom to know that not too very long from now he will be 70 and you will be a young 43. He knows that a woman that age is not likely to want to spend her days nursing an old man's aches and pains. I'm also very sure that he thinks enough of you (his generation was not nearly so selfish as subsequent ones) that he wants you to have a good life with someone closer to your age with whom you can grow old. Yes, there may be chemistry between the two of you and you may even have a nice relationship for a while. But considering what's in his head, he is sure it will lead to heartbreak for him. The conflict in his mind is on the one hand, he would love to be with you...and on the other hand he knows you would not be well served in the long run. Now, with the information and thoughts above you may be able to communicate with him and talk this out. If you honestly and truly think you could stick by him once he starts falling apart, you'll have to do a lot of convincing to get him to believe that. But first, you have to be truly convinced that you want to go there yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
sheeba Posted April 5, 2003 Share Posted April 5, 2003 i think we always want what we can't have-and its pretty obvious this man-although attracted to you (he might be older-he's not dead) he couldn't take you seriously as a partner. he's protecting himself and who could blame him-after the initial thrill wears off-suddenly you have gone from being with an older man to being with an OLD man. i think he acts weird after the emails because he plays with fire occasionally and in the morning he faces facts. personally i wouldn't waste one more second on this and find someone closer to my age. (with 15 years either way) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baubles Posted April 8, 2003 Author Share Posted April 8, 2003 Thanks Tony and Sheeba- He has not written me since Thurs- which is generally typical after one of these episodes. I've just been curious- what you said makes sense though, and I take some comfort in it. Honestly, I could not pursue anything serious, as I wouldn't be able to maintain that sort of relationship in 10 yrs- no matter how much I would enjoy it now. Thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baubles Posted July 28, 2003 Author Share Posted July 28, 2003 I saw the older man again the other night- we bumped into each other at a local hang-out- he invited me to join him for a beer which I did (I excused myself after 2 hours later- so as not to overextend the welcome- even though he was enjoying it)... Now, in the past this man and I have had some brushes w/ sexual chemistry and for whatever reason he does not want to pursue a relationship- but how to go about pursuing more of a friendship. It is the oddest thing- he can talk for hours privately w/ me- things that are on his mind, what he's been dreaming about, what worries him, BUT afterwards he makes no attempt to contact me- I typically reach him through e-mail or run into him around town (we live 3 blocks from each other). when we do see each other- same old thing, loves to see me/talk to me but does not initiate contact. What gives? I would like to form more of a friendship w/ this man- on one hand I would think he doesn't as he doesn't initiate it (or he's scared we'll be all over each other), but when we do see each other he apparently really enjoys the time talking to me. There is a large age difference- about 25 yrs, but as a friend...I would think it could be manageable- I respect his decision not to want more. What can I do to make myself more welcoming as a friend? Or is this hopeless? Link to post Share on other sites
skotup Posted July 28, 2003 Share Posted July 28, 2003 girls warming towards an older man usually comes from feeling insecure and lack of father figure support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baubles Posted July 28, 2003 Author Share Posted July 28, 2003 That's probably an accurate assessment... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Baubles Posted November 11, 2003 Author Share Posted November 11, 2003 To Skotup and all who remembered my older man infatuation: thought you'd find this amusing...or interesting how you can never get people...Sat night my ex and I broke up again...I know, I know, don't worry right now I'm too angry to talk of it- kinda funny cause i had left him 4 messages calling him a lying...lots of obscenities...only to have him write an apology letter saying he hoped we could be friends, that I was very important to him. Whatever. I cannot take him anymore- he hurts me way too much. SO....that night...I went to the restaurant/bar where my older fling visits- over the course of 5 hours I managed to break down into crying and kissing him in public while talking- something we had never done before....and find out he has had a series of relationships over many years w/ much younger woman who have poor relationships w/ their fathers- hmm..that would be me...and get this, he prefers black woman...I am white and so is he... and I think this may be a legit reason- age aside. Or so he claims. Huh- I never figured that! I guess he feels a lil initial attraction, and then just cannot follow through. Weird. Link to post Share on other sites
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