myluck35 Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 I know nothing good will come from it but a part of me wants to meet his other woman. Can anyone relate? Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Not now, but when I first found out, I did. Now I know she's nothing to do with me, why waste my time on something so irrelevent to my life? Seeing her or speaking to her may satisfy one curiosity but then it'll just bring up a thousand more things you want to know. Don't think about her she's not worth doing your head in over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myluck35 Posted September 1, 2007 Author Share Posted September 1, 2007 I agree. I found about her 8 days ago and everytime I think about the situation my insides twist. I'm at this stage..."whats so good about her that you didnt find in me you a-hole". Childish but I cant help it. Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 "whats so good about her that you didnt find in me you a-hole" The question should be "What's so wrong with him that he couldn't find what he needed in himself?" What he's doing with her isn't about you strange as it sounds, it isn't even about her, its about him. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 no, i have no desire to see her, nor did i ever. i have NO jealousy, because i know i have much to offer. our relationship was he and i, not her. it was he who chose to allow her in. no, she is not innocent in this, but again, the bond was with HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myluck35 Posted September 2, 2007 Author Share Posted September 2, 2007 What gets me the most is that he is supporting her. I go to sleep thinking about this situation and I wake up with it on my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 but keep in mind, you are thinking of HIS actions...not hers. it's really not about her, it's the loss of him you're feeling, whether he is with someone or not. don't give her so much credit, energy...she is undeserving of your time. who cares about her..you never had the bond with her. throughout my pain, i have been able to weave in some disdain and even pity for my ex(at times). it doesn't matter to me so much that he ran to another, as much as the pain of how i was disregarded and disrespected by him. him not communicating and suddenly leaving me, and jumping into another relationship, shows me his true character, his lack of commitment, etc. i really never think of her, i know i have good qualities to share again with someone, as you do. he evidently found something shinier, brighter, his downfall. i never would have cheated or left without discussing my concerns/emotions first...out of respect for him and myself. i would have given us the chance to work on things together. that, i believe, is the respectful thing to do in a LTR, not run from issues. what is shiny when new, will eventually tarnish with age...unless care is provided. i am confident, the pattern will repeat itself! try not to consume your thoughts with her....you are giving her far too much credit!!! do you admire her? respect her? heck..then why even think about her!! Link to post Share on other sites
smitty12 Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 i actually called the other woman and went to her house to see how he was living - not better than our house shes not prettier than me or many other things than me she actually said she was sorry but she was worried i was gonna do something to her in front of her kids my reply were you thinking about your kids while you were doing this? maybe next time you will think about before you mess with someones relationship i could have been crazy and went over there and did something bad people go to prison over stuff like this everyday- it doesnt matter what she looks like they always downgrade for some reason anyway its his issues but i totally understand you want to know what she has that you dont - also know that if was not her it would be someone else i told her that to - its the truth when someone wants to cheat they are looking for whoever to do it with just know that shes not better than you in any way because you are not the one who who did this foul thing with someones man. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 FORGET THAT! Cheaters always "trade down" not up! It because you're too fast for their azz that their cheating to begin with! They can't keep up with your azz, they can't keep up, ~ they can't compete. They cheat because they're insecure about themselves, they're lives! Its not about you! Its about thier own BS insecurties! Has nothing to do with you! Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 well said, gunny...couldn't agree more! i always enjoy reading your posts. you say things the way i need to hear them-- pretty realistic! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 "whats so good about her that you didnt find in me you a-hole" The question should be "What's so wrong with him that he couldn't find what he needed in himself?" What he's doing with her isn't about you strange as it sounds, it isn't even about her, its about him. Take my post and put it with Mel's AND you've got your answer! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2007 Share Posted September 2, 2007 well said, gunny...couldn't agree more! i always enjoy reading your posts. you say things the way i need to hear them-- pretty realistic! Thanks! About 17 years ago I meet this guy that was built like Mr. T with a sluggo cap, a "wife-beaters" tank top, and a Louivelle Slugger baseball bat? His name? Mr. Reality He wore my azz out, threw my azz under the bus, made a "beliver" out of my azz, and I've been trying to roll with him ever since! Trying to keep it real each and every day! "Trust but verify" "Inspect what your azz expects" "Check It Out!" "Take care of your business ~ handle your busines ~ ain't no one going to handle your business like yourself!" "Be prepared for "rainy days" and its going to rain on your azz ~ sooner or later!" "Your azz can pay me now or pay me later! You can either play now and pay later, or you can pay now and play for the rest of your life! The choice is yours!" To the OP ~ Its about the insecurties of the cheater. Their azz couldn't tote the note on you, so they went and "traded down" with someone they could tote the note on. In doing so, they try to "de-value" you and your self worth ~ that is to say the "cheater" trys to justify and rationalize their actions by bringing you down ~devaluing your "stock". Its a spiraling type thing ~ they can't own up to you, meet you, compete with you, so they go and find someone who they can. (Trading down) in the course of doing so? They try to drag your azz down to their level. Which for most of us get us to questioning ourselves and self worth! Its a BS game! Mel, MamaMax, just to name a few, they didn't fail their STBXH ~ their STBXH failed them. They couldn't compete! They couldn't tote the note on their azz. Their STBXH's weren't in the same league as they were as people let alone as men! Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 To the OP ~ Its about the insecurties of the cheater. Their azz couldn't tote the note on you, so they went and "traded down" with someone they could tote the note on. In doing so, they try to "de-value" you and your self worth ~ that is to say the "cheater" trys to justify and rationalize their actions by bringing you down ~devaluing your "stock". Its a spiraling type thing ~ they can't own up to you, meet you, compete with you, so they go and find someone who they can. (Trading down) in the course of doing so? They try to drag your azz down to their level. Which for most of us get us to questioning ourselves and self worth! Its a BS game! Mel, MamaMax, just to name a few, they didn't fail their STBXH ~ their STBXH failed them. They couldn't compete! They couldn't tote the note on their azz. Their STBXH's weren't in the same league as they were as people let alone as men! Thanks for that Gunny. I call it White Knight Syndrome or WKS. There are lots of guys out there with WKS- in order to feel good about themselves they need to be with someone who needs rescuing. Someone with more problems than themselves so they are the 'strong' one in the relationship. I've seen it so many times with a couple of male friends, they meet women who are really f**ked up and be there while she gets back on her feet and then as soon as she's together- DUMP! And looking my ex- he's got a bad case of it, rather than deal with his own problems, he takes on a woman with 'Damsel in Distress Disorder' (DIDD). I've always preferred to slay my own dragons! Link to post Share on other sites
AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 This is an interesting thread. I agree with everything that has been said - the other woman is not worth thinking about. I found out ALL about the other woman, and at first I was so happy to discover what a loser she was....but then, all the knowledge that I had about her made me miserable. I realized that my H must be REALLY desperate and lost to start anything with a person like her, and how ridiculous and insecure he must be. Knowing how lame she is wasted my energy, and now only makes me angry and confused when I remember. It sounds like this is definitely a repeat phenomenon - for cheaters to downgrade, like Gunny said. Just realize that its more important to focus on you, and the positive things in your life, then to waste any energy on this loser person! So, I'd move forward the best you can without allowing too many thoughts about the other woman to occupy you! She's not worth it. Random side thought: I wish we were all in the same city, so we could all get coffee and chocolate cupcakes with each other somewhere. I really value this forum! I love you guys! *hugs* :love: Link to post Share on other sites
Lucian Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 Myluck, You will get no satisfaction from meeting the other.... what is the point. You know you are much better than her, think about it. In my case, I met "the other" and it gave me nothing.... I just found out his name and that he is married with 3 kids. So what. Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 Wow. This thread has helped me see my situation. A friend had told me that it's not a person my H left (ie. Me) it was a situation - he didn't want to (couldn't handle?) being a Dad of 3 kids, a homeowner and a partner so he went out and found an available 'easy' (not like that - well, maybe! - in that she has no kids and doesn't want any) woman to be with. Yes, she's no doubt shinier and she casts him in a great light too - much like Melo's WKS and DIDD and so she's great to be with. OP- at first it feels very tempting to visit the OW. And maybe saying all those things you think and feel will do wonders for your sleeping patterns. But it doesn't stop the ache of being left, and it reinforces his decision to have left and the feeling will pass as your life picks itself up. There are so many people on LS who know JUST what they're saying, trust in their knowledge and coast on their support until you've got your feet back under you. Gunny! You're awesome. Scraggle, I know what you mean. There's not too many women around me who've been left by their cheating husbands. A chocolate cupcake and some chatting sure would go down well! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 Bingo! You just hit the hammer on the nail! I was wondering when you're azz would get there! Been waiting on you! Catch up! Get with the freaking "program!" My last LTR GF weighj in at 170 ~ I wasn't about her because of that? I was into her because she was her! Granted she was 6'1" Height ~ weight prorpotinate~ That's all I asked for! Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 when my LD ex left me for another in his location, my first thought was..sure, it's easier, easy access. i do not feel she has more to offer other than instant availability. i never think of HER...NEVER! i only wonder if one day when these folk leave LTR for the "easier" do they have regrets later...regrets they were weak, etc. any thoughts? gunny..i can't tell you enough how much your posts help me see things differently...i love your straight forward approach! no frills! scraggle, trust things WILL get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myluck35 Posted September 8, 2007 Author Share Posted September 8, 2007 update I couldnt help it and i did meet her. Yup, I could see what he saw in her. She is a noticable woman. We talked for 2 hours and I surprised her by not throwing a tantrum. She expected that. I got the big picture, why he was drawn to her and he stayed as long as he did. Was I jelous...oh yes. Did she promise to stay away.....hell no. She cares for him as he does for her, its apparent. I'm not surprised he turned to her, they share a lot of common ground. It would have been easier if it was just sex but I saw that it wasn't, they enjoy each others company and they have fun. With that said, I decided the thing to do was to have him move out slowly. I was ok with my decision. He was upset because he didn't want to leave the kids. Our kids are tough, a teenager with behavior issues and attention problems. Little one is tough too. That night my son got into a situation, I was so worried I didn't sleep. But my first thought was....thank god he's home to help me with this. I can't do this alone. It's been a several days of us trying to be civil. We put our wedding rings back on. My thoughts are about them, does he miss her? I know this is for the kids and not me. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 so...you are saying that he WILL move out? i am lost as to why put the rings back on? Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 update I couldnt help it and i did meet her. Yup, I could see what he saw in her. She is a noticable woman. We talked for 2 hours and I surprised her by not throwing a tantrum. She expected that. I got the big picture, why he was drawn to her and he stayed as long as he did. Was I jelous...oh yes. Did she promise to stay away.....hell no. She cares for him as he does for her, its apparent. I'm not surprised he turned to her, they share a lot of common ground. It would have been easier if it was just sex but I saw that it wasn't, they enjoy each others company and they have fun. With that said, I decided the thing to do was to have him move out slowly. I was ok with my decision. He was upset because he didn't want to leave the kids. Our kids are tough, a teenager with behavior issues and attention problems. Little one is tough too. That night my son got into a situation, I was so worried I didn't sleep. But my first thought was....thank god he's home to help me with this. I can't do this alone. It's been a several days of us trying to be civil. We put our wedding rings back on. My thoughts are about them, does he miss her? I know this is for the kids and not me. myluck, I have to strongly urge you to get some individual counselling, I do not mean this rudely, everyone has issues (myself included) and this situation is clearly bringing all of yours up, as it would anybody's. Now is a good time to learn some new skills that will help you know that you can handle your difficulties. I also suggest family counselling- you are clearly concerned about the impact of this change on your children and consultation with a professional might provide a safe emotional space where everyone in the family can express themselves. A good professional will work with your family to give you the 'tools' you need to express yourselves in constructive ways- rather than destructive. It may be a good idea to have a couple of sessions with just you and your STBXH first, as you are still going to be co-parents. I think seeing your regular doctor for a health check and perhaps to ask for referrals might be good. Can your finances afford for you to get away for a few days to have some 'time-out' to think and start to process some of what is happening? Anyway, take care. Link to post Share on other sites
tbplus4 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 What if you know the ex? What if the suspected affair and continueing relationship in front of your children is someone you thought was your friend. Someone you liked? Link to post Share on other sites
Missy27 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Thanks for that Gunny. I call it White Knight Syndrome or WKS. There are lots of guys out there with WKS- in order to feel good about themselves they need to be with someone who needs rescuing. Someone with more problems than themselves so they are the 'strong' one in the relationship. I've seen it so many times with a couple of male friends, they meet women who are really f**ked up and be there while she gets back on her feet and then as soon as she's together- DUMP! And looking my ex- he's got a bad case of it, rather than deal with his own problems, he takes on a woman with 'Damsel in Distress Disorder' (DIDD). I've always preferred to slay my own dragons! SPOT ON MEL ~ ! ~ That's the ticket ~ seen it 100 times over ~ Ex Did EXACTLY the same thing to me ~ he's miserable as sin now ~ I thank god EVERY single day that I never married the swine ~ !! I never went looking for the OW when EX left me ~ didn't give a cats fart about her ~ Instead ~? ~ I just pee'd on his toothbrush every opportunity I could before confronting him with all my evidence ~ !! :laugh: ~ Jeez ~ its a good job I wasn't wrong about his affair ~ !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I thank god EVERY single day that I never married the swine ~ !! I never went looking for the OW when EX left me ~ didn't give a cats fart about her ~ Instead ~? ~ I just pee'd on his toothbrush every opportunity I could before confronting him with all my evidence ~ !! :laugh: ~ Jeez ~ its a good job I wasn't wrong about his affair ~ !!! I'm starting to come around to the idea that being thrown over at the altar for an OW wasn't so bad after all... then if I ever do get married the stats are in my favour! God I wish sometimes I'd done something more cool than smash a coffee cup! All his stuff is in the shed and I've had a beer... I could always blame it on the cats...:laugh: Maybe we should have a Love Shack DSM IV: WKS, DIDD, FBS (Flakey broad syndrome)... I'm sure there's more and would be of far more use to western society as whole than that published by the American Psychiatric Association! :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 update I couldnt help it and i did meet her. Yup, I could see what he saw in her. She is a noticable woman. We talked for 2 hours and I surprised her by not throwing a tantrum. She expected that. I got the big picture, why he was drawn to her and he stayed as long as he did. Was I jelous...oh yes. Did she promise to stay away.....hell no. She cares for him as he does for her, its apparent. I'm not surprised he turned to her, they share a lot of common ground. It would have been easier if it was just sex but I saw that it wasn't, they enjoy each others company and they have fun. With that said, I decided the thing to do was to have him move out slowly. I was ok with my decision. He was upset because he didn't want to leave the kids. Our kids are tough, a teenager with behavior issues and attention problems. Little one is tough too. That night my son got into a situation, I was so worried I didn't sleep. But my first thought was....thank god he's home to help me with this. I can't do this alone. It's been a several days of us trying to be civil. We put our wedding rings back on. My thoughts are about them, does he miss her? I know this is for the kids and not me. Wow. You can actually look at the situation objectively...I'm sorry for your pain. I hope your strength endures. Link to post Share on other sites
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