I refuse to propose without a ring to give her

[JasonAChurchill]

Hoping someone out there can help me fugure this out.

 

I'm 33, madly in love with my girlfriend, 33, of two years, but we fight a lot. It's not that we don't get along in general, as the fighting is certainly a result of one thing.

 

She wants to get married and I haven't proposed yet.

 

My problems are as follows:

 

1. I should have popped the question a year ago, maybe more. I knew then just as much as I know now, that I want to be with her. But I can't go back in time to fix that, so... Ummm...

 

2. I can't propose while things are crappy, if you know what I mean. I can't do it as she's pressuring me and our relationship is in limbo - (because we aren't married, she thinks I either don't want to or don't care enough that she does to do it NOW, rather than waiting) - because then she would think, and more importantly it would hover over my head for the next 40 years, that I did it just so the relationship wouldn't end.

 

3. I refuse to propose without a ring to give her, it's just not the way I want to remember the moment. I'm not quite ready to handle the financial plunge, but am literally a month, maybe six weeks away from doing so. Maybe less. But I can't exactly tell her that...

 

How do I get her to relax for the time being, be happy that we're together and stop lighting me up and starting an argument over nothing while this time passes?

 

I'm spending every spare second I have choosing a ring, and saving every penny I can to buy it. I took on TWO part-time jobs this summer - I told her it was so I can buy a new car and so we can take a vacation in September or October. The time has come, but it seems like six weeks from now might be too late unless I can say or do something...

 

She knows I love her. She's heard me tell her we want the same thing. The difference is, she WANTS it NOW, like TODAY, and while I'd also like to, I just can't do it. Not until I get the ring in hand to slide on her finger if and when she says yes.

 

Help?

 

Anyone?

 

Thanks...

[jerbear]

What is her rush? Did someone she know recently get engaged, married, had the M talk?

 

In regards to the ring, give her a Cracker Jack box ring. I'm not 100% serious but you get the idea. Get her a promise ring.

 

Also that 3 month rule? well it is marketing.

 

Also if you are on your own schedule and she is pushing for it, you may want to tell her that pushing won't work. She may have to walk away or visit her parents. Anyway, if you two are arguing then it would be awhile before the time is right. Very hard to get it 100% right when one want it yesterday and the other doesn't like to be pushed.

[Lyssa]

I'm sorry but wouldn't it be better to just tell her your situation? If she loves like you know she does, I'm sure you she would understand? No? I would if my BF told me his situation but then again, I am not your GF.

 

I hope things will be better for the both of you so that you can pop the Q ASAP!

[JasonAChurchill]

Yeah, I've told her the situation, not in detail but she knows I'm "working on it" and don't expect her to wait another year or anything.

 

 

 

She questions my commitment because I haven't proposed yet, so me telling her those things doesn't mean much.

 

 

 

Other than telling her everything and kind of giving it away that in 4-6 weeks or so I'll be ready with ring in hand - (she's sitting right here in the room, we're not on the best of terms right this second) - how do I convince her that if she relaxed that things would be fine and she'd get what we both wanted?

[Lyssa]

I don't think telling her "babe, you should relax... the time will come" will work as I don't think that's how you should put it - not saying that THAT is how you would say it.

 

In a way, I can understand why she feels the need to push you as she is 33 (some women feel like at that age, it's almost the last and right time to be getting married and having kids - esp kids) or something like that. I say that because a few of my older friends feel that.

 

You know her better than anyone here so you should know how to convince her. What's her character like? Does she have a strong personality?

[Izzy B]

I applaud you for wanting to do this right and get a decent ring. However, she is doing it the wrong way, she should not start arguments over this. You have her, she's not going anywhere. Unfortunately she hasn't learned to follow through with leaving.

[Lauriebell82]

I think she hears her biological clock ticking, so she is in more of a rush to get married than say someone in her 20's. I actually don't think 2 years is all that long to wait to get engaged, I could see if it was like 4 or 5. All you can really do is tell her that you love her and will propose when the time is right. Say that you don't want to lose her, but you want everything to be just right.

 

Actually she may think your trying to make excuses as to why you havn't proposed, so thats why she may be doubting your committment to her. Some girls think "i'm not ready to propose" means "i don't want to propose because i dont want to marry you." I know it sounds strange but I guess there is a little insecurity in all of us. I know you said you have told her to stop pressuring you, but I think you need to say it more firmly. Not by causing an argument, but try to talk to her serioiusly and from your heart. I guess that's all you can do at the moment.

[Micke81]

Say, "I honestly believe we will be married a year from now, but the pressure you are putting on me stresses our relationship, and I don't want to propose while the relationship is under this stress."

[norajane]

You can short circuit the arguments pretty easily:

 

"I love you and I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you, and I don't want to propose without a ring. I'm saving up to buy one."

[Izzy B]

I disagree, when you're in your mid-twenties and above, you should be dating no more than 2 years before you get engaged, otherwise he is not really into it. Actually it is more like one year, that is plenty of time to know if you want to make an ultimate commitment to that person. I see where she is coming from but she is going about it the wrong way with the arguing and causing stress. What you do is you calmly take the man aside after about a year of dating and say "You know I plan on getting married and having a family. If that is not in your plans very soon, I will move on."

That way there is no argument, you are just being honest, but the woman has to be prepared to actually move on if the guy does not have the same plans. No woman should put up staying with a guy who does not have the same plans and just strings her along essentially. Her sitting around whining about it is definitely the wrong approach though.

I agree with Nora's statement, that should put her off for a while (but realize you are marrying a woman who is going to be an annoying whiner and possibly very controlling in the marriage as in making your life a living he** if she has an idea but does not get her way.) Might want to think about that one.

[Lauriebell82]

I wouldn't say that a guy over 25 should propose within 2 years. 1 year is not neccarily enough time to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. I've been with my bf for a year and I don't think we will be engaged anytime soon (probably another year.) But I think people are ready for marriage at different points, unfortunately it's not as simple as just solving the problem by breaking up or taking the person aside and asking them if they want to get married.

 

As for you Jason, like I said I think you need to reassure your gf that you love her and don't want to lose her. Tell her that you do want to get engaged you just need to get a few things in order before you do. Tell her you need to get less pressure from her though, because it is putting a strain on you and your relationship. I mean 2 years in my opinion isn't really that long compared to a lifetime together. I agree wtih Micke that you should tell her that she is putting strain on you guys, and you do want to marry her and you will ask her in the near future. i suppose thats all you can do.

[allina]

Say, "I honestly believe we will be married a year from now, but the pressure you are putting on me stresses our relationship, and I don't want to propose while the relationship is under this stress."

 

I think this is great advice.

 

i think she is really freaking out because she is 33 and feels like time is running out. However, as a grown woman she should understand that her actions are jeopardizing the relationship.

[white.crow]

Definitely, this calls for ACTION already: you've talked enough.

 

If you want to marry the love of your life, act as if you can't indeed wait for it. Like when you were a child and making a gift for your teacher/sister/mother: remember how impatient you were to see their reactions of joy. Take her out to amusement park, tell her the new car will have to wait, then enter some jewelry shops to double check if your choice of a ring design matches her desires, start discussing the wedding locations, invites, dress code, menus, and/or all the other wonderful things. Become little bit obsessed about what YOU want that day to be. Get tuned into that antsy feeling, SHARE the excitement with her. DO NOT talk about married life, kids, or your old days together just right now, do not talk about things that you cannot guarantee sincerety about at this precise moment: in her mind, this is the worst moment to talk about.

 

Then you can share your timeline for getting the ring that you want to get. After that, the ring and the engagement will come naturally when the time is best.

[justice]

You should be honest with her.

Let her know that it won't be a year or longer before it happens, also let her know that you want the moment you ask her to be special and that you want to make it right.

Otherwise the wires will be so crossed up that it might end badly.

[amethystl]

My idea is to give her anything. A nice box with a plain thin gold band or something like that.

 

Tell her all the mushy stuff that goes with the proposal, and then say the ring is just a place holder, you are getting her a perfect one but you just couldn't wait another minute to be engaged to her (your soulmate, etc etc).

 

That would work on me anyway..... I hope most women would agree. Marriage isn't about the ring, it's about love & committment.

[JasonAChurchill]

That's what I'm going to do, amethystl.

 

White.crow is right, and your suggestion, amethystl, is perfect. Instead of waiting until I have the money to get the ring I want, I'm just going to do the best I can with what I have now, and go further when I can do that.

 

I believe she's like that... the ring isn't the most important part. I even got the strong impression that more than a carat and a half or so might be too much. So what am I waiting for?

 

I'm making a decision on a ring this week, and I'll post back the results.

 

Thanks to all of you. It's nice to know that there are real people out there with similar thoughts and caring suggestions.

 

Thank you

 

Jason/Seattle

[Kasan]

When I got married, both of us had to scrape up the money to buy the wedding bands so I never got my engagement ring until my 25th wedding anniversary.

 

I designed it and I can say that it was well worth the wait! I guess getting married to him was more important than any big wedding or engagement ring.

 

A carat and a half? My god! I guess my age is showing!

[adnCat]

I believe she's like that... the ring isn't the most important part. I even got the strong impression that more than a carat and a half or so might be too much. So what am I waiting for?

 

A carat and a half! If you are struggling as it is, working multiple jobs, and saying that you are "not ready to take the financial plunge" of buying a ring, I suggest you lower you diamond size standards. If the ring isn't the most important part, a diamond more suited to your budget should be fine. Otherwise, she'll get a big rock that looks like crap.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I disagree, when you're in your mid-twenties and above, you should be dating no more than 2 years before you get engaged, otherwise he is not really into it. Actually it is more like one year, that is plenty of time to know if you want to make an ultimate commitment to that person.

That may be the most ignorant thing I've read all day, congratulations!

 

Because he may not be in the right financial position, or may not want to rush things, he must not be that into her. That makes sense.

[Jinnah]

It's definitely not about the size of the ring. All I cared about was becoming my husband's wife. I'm sure your g/f feels the same way. Get her whatever you can now and if you want to, you can always "upgrade" later. A lot of jewelry stores even let you "trade" in if you want to upgrade later (similar to trading in your car). My husband proposed with 1/4 of a karat and surprised me two years after we married with 1 karat. I didn't care either way.

 

Honestly though, that's probably the last thing on her mind... she just wants to marry you! Girls aren't all superficial.

[JasonAChurchill]

I'm here with the heaviest of hearts to report that not only will I not get the chance to propose, but we are breaking up instead.

 

The world sucks, and I don't want to be in it anymore.

[Lyssa]

Oh no!! What happened, Jason?? I'm so sorry to hear this....

 

*hugs*

[Jinnah]

Oh my gosh, what happened?!

[white.crow]

Hi Jason, I usually do not write here, just lurk. I wrote on this thread earlier because your entry indeed gave me a worrying wibe. I know that "men" prefer to not work on unbreaking break-ups, or do faux pas while trying to make up.

 

I do not know the story indeed, but it seems that it can be undone. Can you talk to her best friend(s), get exactly "the reason" (HER point of view, her mental picture of situation) through them? Friends' mediation may do wonders, but tough luck if that were her friends or overreading on forums similar to this that helped her to go through with any sort of mental "deadline". But even that can be remedied. Just do not manly overrationalise. Nothing will hover over you for 40 years - except that giving up on a very dear relationship (isn't it?) in September 2007.

 

Put everything on the table. Withhold your pride. Just get her back, on her terms if needed. You can do it.

[Lauriebell82]

Ah, Jason i'm so sorry. What happened?