Wants to hurt "other woman"

[Snowbunny]

My husband has been involved with a girl at work. They haven't had "sex", but have apparently had deep conversations and an attraction to one another. She has a kid and she's not married (whore).

 

Before I found this out, my husband would go into these phases where he would not talk to me for 2 or 3 days and stare off into space. Now I know he was probably trying to figure out should I stay with my wife or leave.

 

We have been married for 7 years. People comment on us having the perfect marriage. We seem to be very compatible and hardly ever fight.

 

The problem is now that I know about this, I have a strong desire to inflict bodily harm on this person and tell them off. Or even better yet, to make her feel some sort of pain that she has put me though by invading our marriage.

 

Comments?

[Kat]

Wanting help from people and saying " She has a kid and she's not married (whore)" may not help

[Girl]

Last time I looked it was the responsibility of the person who made the vows not to become involved with another outside the marriage emotionally or physically..... personally, my beef would be with him. But hey, that would mean admitting to yourself that HE'S not the person you thought he was, HE has flaws, YOUR relationship may be over, so instead, it MUST be HER fault.

 

Having a child out of wedlock does not make one a "whore", it makes one a single parent. Having in depth conversations and being attracted to a married man does not make one the devil either.... it makes one human. Her morals would be in serious question and perhaps your need to beat her to a pulp if she was having a full blown sexual affair.... I'd focus on finding out what YOUR relationship is lacking and work on that.

[Just A Girl2]

Kat:

 

While I'm sure associating being a single mom with being a whore is offensive, I think we need to see past this and realize that she's extremely hurt and angry here, and understandably so. Obviously I'm sure she knows that there are lots of honorable reasons that women end up being single moms. Enough said. No more offensive than telling someone who's 16 yr old dog died 6 days ago, "it's just a pet, it's dead, get over it." Ring a bell?

 

Now, to snowbunny. I'm VERY sorry that you've been put into this horribly hurtful and devastating situation. I'm not trying to dismiss your anger, but do you really think it's fair to put all the blame on this other woman?

 

Let's see....it was your HUSBAND who was in the committed marriage, who made the vows to you, right? (not her). From that standpoint, if anyone owed anyone any decency, it was your HUSBAND who owed it to you to be faithful and committed.

 

I know in situations like these, it's easier to focus all of our anger and rage on "the other woman" (I was married to a cheater, myself)......but I learned long ago that there's little point being angry at the other woman.......for me, it was MY HUSBAND who should have known better..who should have never forgotten that he had a wife he'd made vows and promises to. Sure, okay, I thought she was a skank for likely knowing he was married, but did she really know?

 

For all you know, perhaps your hubby didn't let HER know that he's married? Or, like so many cheating husbands, maybe he gave her this big long song and dance about how horrible his marriage is, how he's planning on leaving you/or staying for the kids' sakes (if you have kids), bla bla bla. There are insecure women out there who eat this stuff up, without even questioning all of the "signs" that their new man is actually unavailable (eg....they only get together at her place, a hotel....she's never been to his home, she's only got his cell number, bla bla).

 

I most certainly don't ever condone affairs or infidelity, but I do believe that blame should be placed where it's warranted. In this case, it's your husband/life-partner who you should be choked at. Get what I'm saying?

 

So obviously your husband knows you know. How DID you even find out?

 

Do you have children?

 

Are you planning on kicking his ass out? I know I wouldn't want a cheating dick living under my roof, sleeping in my bed.

 

Is he sorry? Have you really talked? Is he still in the process of deciding who he wants to be with? Has he ended things? Or is he still seeing her? What's the situation like NOW?

 

What do you want? Are you hopeful this could be worked out? Are you leaving all of the decision making to HIM? I hope not. It shouldn't be about HIM getting to choose who he wants to be with.......it should now be about YOU deciding whether you want to kick his ass out and get a divorce, or agree "together" to work through this.

 

Just my thoughts.

[midori]

I think it's interesting that you know about this even though it hasn't (yet?) evolved into an actual affair. How did you come upon this knowledge -- did he tell you?

 

I once dated a guy for a few years who had a very hard time being emotionally vulnerable to any one person. Messed up childhood. So his m.o. was to have lots of female friends, with whom he was very close and affectionate (not physically, but emotionally). He and I were close too, but he would periodcially withdraw if I got too close, if he felt himself relying on me too much. I was very frustrated because I knew that he was emailing and phoning his friends (there was no actual infidelity there), and pouring little bits of himself into their ears and hearts, while witholding himself from me.

 

I harbored a lot of resentment against some of these friends of his, because I felt that they were interfering in our relationship. Which they were. But not because THEY were trying to do so ... each one didn't realize that theirs was not a uniquely close friendship with my (ex)boyfriend. Each of them thought that she was a special confidant to whom he turned when he needed to talk to someone and couldn't talk to me. My ex used them to avoid getting too close to me.

 

Just wondering, why do you rarely fight with your husband? Is it really because you're both of one mind on most things ... or is it because there are a lot of things that go unspoken?

 

Basically I agree with what the others have said, in that you cannot blame the girl at work for your husband's emotional transgressions. Seems to me like you need to figure out what the source of the problem is. Why is your husband cultivating a close emotional tie with another woman? I'm not at all suggesting that it's due to a shortcoming on your part. But something is driving him to do this, whether it's in his own head, or in the dynamic between the two of you. That's what you need to figure out.

 

She's just a symptom. If it wasn't her, now, it would be someone else, later.

[Snowbunny]

In response to Kat's comment - "Wanting help from people and saying " She has a kid and she's not married (whore)" may not help". Apparently you have not been in this situation yourself, or you approve of having low morals. You do not know this woman, but from what I have found out from my husband and the way she is obsessed with him (I know it takes two to tango), it seems as though she doesn't care to keep her legs together and the kid out of wedlock is proof. Don't tell me that this is the 2000's and get out of the stone age. There is something called BIRTH CONTROL. If someone is stupid enough to be unmarried, she didn't want the kid, THEN SHE SHOULD'VE USED IT....DUH.

 

As for the rest of you who have actually been helpful....

 

My husband has stated that he is sorry to be emotionally involved with her. But hasn't really helped me much in the way of reassuring me that I'm the love of his life. He did say that he wanted to stay with me and not her.

 

We don't fight much, maybe one blowup a year over something maybe and it always seems to get resolved. Most of the time we just agree on the decisions each of us make. We compromise with each other. I feel this part of our relationship is very healthy.

 

We do not have any children. He did not want any (which blows my mind that he would leave me for the girl with the kid). And he still says that he does not want a kid. I could go either way. I get alot of fulfillment out of my nieces and nephews. It would be nice to have one of our own, but I have heart problems and they told me back in my 20's that getting pregnant could be a serious risk for me. (I'm in my 30's now), but I've always kept adoption open as an option.

 

Unfortunately my husband is still working with this girl. All I can say is that he's a supervisor in a retail store. She is also, in another department. He tells me that he's now trying to avoid contact with her. I've made the suggestion that he tries to transfer to another store, but that probably wouldn't keep her from following him unless management was notified of the purpose of the transfer. And even that won't keep her away....since it's retail, everyone is pretty much accessible to the public if you know what I mean.

 

We have talked to our pastor about this little incident. However he spent alot more time trying to pump my husband up spiritually. The pastor did not talk much to me at all. I think it helped for his sake because he was still very depressed after he told me about this.

 

However I'm wondering if I should be seeing someone to work out these "issues" I'm having myself, or should we both be going? I'm sure lots of people get through affairs without counseling. Money is a problem as we already are on a an extremely tight budget. There is nothing to cut into unless we want to give up a meal every day or walk 20 miles to work. Unless anyone has any ideas.

There is a couple's marriage retreat that I've heard of and I know they base it on your income so I'm going to check into that, although that's not really counseling, I'm sure it may help.

[Just A Girl2]

Snowbunny,

 

I understand you are in a lot of pain right now, and like I wrote before, I'm sorry for that. And in my last response, I tried to give you the benefit of a doubt in regards to your "whore/single mom" comment, but I have to say, based on what you've written now, it's definitely crossed over the line:

 

Apparently you have not been in this situation yourself, or you approve of having low morals. You do not know this woman, but from what I have found out from my husband and the way she is obsessed with him (I know it takes two to tango), it seems as though she doesn't care to keep her legs together and the kid out of wedlock is proof. Don't tell me that this is the 2000's and get out of the stone age. There is something called BIRTH CONTROL. If someone is stupid enough to be unmarried, she didn't want the kid, THEN SHE SHOULD'VE USED IT....DUH.

 

I don't mean to speak for Kat, but Kat is a single Mom herself, and I'm sure there are many single Moms who read and participate in these forums. Your condescending remarks concerning single Moms is pretty insensitive and degrading, and just not appropriate.

 

If your issue is with "women who can't keep their legs together", than just say that...because while you're knocking single moms, on the other hand, you're insulting them for not (apparently) having used birth control. So it would seem to me that you're saying that the only reason they are "whores" is because they ended up pregnant. So what, if a woman DOES use birth control and doesn't end up pregnant, then she's not a whore?

 

Hate to break it to you, but I'd venture to guess that the vast majority of women out there are having sex with men, who they're not married to. Some end up pregnant, some don't. Are you saying that only the ones who end up pregnant are whores? THat's what it sounds like to me.

 

And....last time I checked, no form of birth control is 100% effective. For instance, "The Pill" is one of the most effective, yet I can think of several friends (some married at the time, some not) who ended up pregnant while on it.

 

I can obviously detect your disgust with this "other woman" but slamming all single moms in the process, is uncalled for.

 

You don't know her situation. Many single Moms end up that way for tons of reasons:

 

-Their guy up and left when the baby was born because he decided he didn't want the responsibility/be tied down

 

-Maybe they found out their baby's father cheated on them, so for the good of them and their child, they left

 

-maybe they were married at one time, but they were in an abusive marriage and they found the courage to leave, get divorced....but of course, now appear to be a "single mom"

 

I give tons of credit to single moms. Guys can just walk away from their children, not pay child support, not be in their child's life...but it's the MOM who has to pick up the slack and do her best to make the best out of a bad situation, and give her child (or children) the best life she can.

 

Single Moms could, I suppose, just have an abortion and nobody would know....but they have taken responsibility for the life they helped create and they do their best. Sure, some are bad moms, but you can find just as many bad Moms who are married.

 

If you want to start dogging on women who can't keep their legs together, then don't just single out "single moms" because there's millions of women out there who are not married, who are having sex.....

 

Perhaps your digs at single moms stems from deep inside, subconsciously, at the fact that you're not able to have children and deep down, maybe even unbeknownst to you, you resent this, and it hurts you.....and you're lashing out because it hurts that your hubby is close with a woman who HAS a child, (a child that you can't have).

 

Keep in mind when you post on public forums such as these......that many of the readers here may fall into the group you're bashing.......and none of us have walked in their shoes.

[Snowbunny]

Forgive me for being an insensitive slob over the single Mom bashing.

 

Apparently you do not have all the facts since I have not posted them all here. I have friends who ARE single Moms. I do not have a problem with that. They love their children. Their spouses had problems and they split. Yes, you are right that they are then "stuck" raising the children.

 

I have a problem with, people who do not want their children, such as my husband's flame. Their children where a "mistake" because of their ignorance and the parent remaining doesn't really want the child. I'm sure that's a much better situation for the kid.

 

Birth control is not 100% effective. But if you don't practice it at ALL and then complain and regret it, I consider you a promicuous idiot. Such as the other woman I mention.

 

I am not bitter about not having kids. I am bitter about this woman's moral values and promicuous ways.

 

I would appreciate it if you'd ask more questions before ripping my head off. I didn't come here to be a single Mom basher, I came here for some helpful posts to deal with me wanting to bash this woman's head in.

[Tony T]

I believe ultimately that we are treated in life the way we treat others. People get their due without our interference. And if we bash people or call them whores, we will eventually be thought of the same.

 

Just A Girl2 made the final and very valid point in her post above that you cannot judge others until you have walked in their shoes. There is no way you can know exactly what has brought them to this point in their lives. You cannot know their lack of education, level of moral training, abuse, personal pain, etc. unless you get into their minds.

 

While I understand your anger, it probably would have been better if you thought her as a whore (or clarified that you did not think single mothers in general were whores) and left it at that. I have learned the hard way, and still learn to this very day, that things you write on the Internet can be interpreted any number of ways by people from all sorts of backgrounds. As a practical matter, you will make and/or keep a lot more friends if you never use the word "mother" and "whore" in the same conversation or written message.

 

I invite you to read a passage from Gibran's "The Prophet". Click here---->http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran22.html

 

You need not waste anymore energy trying to defend yourself here. Just leave it alone. It's not important. What is important is that we all try to become better human beings, with a little help from our friends.

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote, Snowbunny:

 

I would appreciate it if you'd ask more questions before ripping my head off. I didn't come here to be a single Mom basher, I came here for some helpful posts to deal with me wanting to bash this woman's head in.

 

Excuse me, but I'm not the one here seeking advice on what to do about my desire to bash the head in of my husband's "close friend", now am I? That being said, it is not up to me, or anyone reading, to embark on some kind of inquisition or fact finding mission. We work with, and give our advice and opinion based only on the information that YOU, the advice-seeker has provided.

 

You are the one who clearly equated single moms with being "whores", you did not make any kind of distinction as to which ones were (the ones who apparently don't use any birth control and bring children into the world they never wanted to begin with), and those, like your friends, who are in a different boat.

 

Do you even KNOW this woman? Do you know she failed to use "any birth control"? I didn't get the impression that you even really knew her, other than her relationship-of-sorts with your husband. Were you there when her child was conceived? Do you know if she threw caution to the wind and didn't use anything? I don't think you do. Just as I can't imagine you knew what was in her heart at the time her child was conceived, as to whether she carelessly let herself get pregnant, all the while not wanting a child to begin with. You seem to be making a lot of rash assumptions, fueled solely on your contempt for her.

 

Frankly, what does her being a single Mom have to do with any of this? The fact of the matter is, your HUSBAND (the one of these 2 people who owes you something: faithfulness, emotional fidelity, honesty, respect) has developed some kind of relationship with her. That is the bottom line. Her past, her being a single Mom, has nothing to do with your husband's decision to have whatever kind of relationship with her that he has. I imagine you'd still be fuming as you are, if she were not a single mom (read: had no children).

 

As for your desire to bash her head in, sorry, the only person who can help you with your desire to commit assault/violence against another human being, is likely a psychologist or psychiatrist. You've been given ample advice here, and suggestions have been made. What more can we do?

 

If your way of dealing with this tough situation is to foster a deep rage and hatred toward this 'other woman', in some kind of attempt to maybe lessen the blame your husband deserves, that is freely your choice.......but seriously, leave the insults against single Mothers and words like "whore" out of it. Surely you would have known in advance that on a very popular public forum such as this, that there would be at least a few single Moms here, and that your very offensive stereotypes and judgments of "them" would likely be very hurtful.

 

And in the future, it's up to YOU to provide all of the necessary information and details surrounding a personal situation of yours......versus getting all hostile when we offer our opinions based on the only info we have, that apparently isn't accurate to you. Sheesh!!!!!

[km82794]

Dear Snowbunny,

 

I understand you are upset, BUT, I have a little sister who has a beautiful five year old boy that was born out of wedlock (she was engaged and on the pill, oops) and the sob father beat her while she was pregnant. So the single Mom, (whore) comment kind of offends me.

 

But anyway, you asked for comments, so here is mine....

 

1. First off, the woman DID NOT cheat with your husband. There

was no sex involved.

 

2. An emotional connection to me, is nothing more than a

friendship. Why kick the sh*t out of a woman who has done nothing more than be a friend to your husband?

 

3. IN MY OPINION, if you knock this woman into the dirt, it only makes you look bad, be the lady and you gain much more respect from everyone, INCLUDING YOUR HUSBAND.

 

4. Have you ever been in a bar or somewhere and seen two women fight over some guy? I have, and my first thought was always... (trash), NO OFFENSE!!!

 

5. Let's just say you try and kick her butt and she whips you instead. Then not only do you look like a she-scrapper, you also end up looking like someone who just got whooped, not a good combination.

 

6. IN MY OPINION, there isn't a man out there worth spending a night in jail over. (No offense guys).

 

7. IN MY OPINION, if a married man cheats. It's the man's fault, not the other woman's. The guy took a vow to you, not her. The guy said he loves you, not her. The guy is the one who strayed on you, not her. In this case I would invest in a cattle prod.

 

8. IN MY OPINION, I would use my mind over fists and find a way to beat her at her own game. BE A BETTER FRIEND TO YOUR HUSBAND THAN SHE IS.

 

 

Goodluck!

[flower]

Snowbunny, you have my emphathies. What km82794 said about being a better friend than the other lady makes logical sense. Reflect on how you can make yourself or marriage better. Use it as a positive stroke! You are lucky that the situation is still in infancy stage. Some don't find out till it's full-blown.

 

My husband and I have a fair share of our admirers outside of our marriage too. These days, temptations can be just so blatant. It is tough initially as we tend to label them as close friends to our partners initially. But now we talk about them as we know when they try to get closer and one partner is uncomfortable with the excessive attention - trust me, it's not easy to get to this "nirvana" stage 'cos needs clear communication. There are many factors leading to why your husband diverted his attention but try to find out the key factor. Communication is the best tool. My hunch is that lady had used this to be emotionally close to him. Best of luck!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think your husband is the responsible party in this situation. Even if this employee is pursuing him earnestly, HE is ultimately the one who is encouraging her behavior. He is the one who has a commitment to you...not this other lady...so ultimately 'he' would be the adulterer in this situation (if indeed, something should happen).

 

It's apparent that for what ever reason, your husband is not content with your marriage. If it wasn't this lady...than it would just be someone else. You need to focus your energy on fixing your marriage (if its possible) or finding the intestinal fortitude to leave your situation.

 

If you need to direct your anger and frustration at someone, then put it where it belongs! It's okay to be angry so long as you don't become irrational and make a bad situation even worse for yourself.