Could they really be just " BEST FRIENDS?"

[notsograceful05]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I just turned twenty, he is still nineteen. We love each other very much and will be getting married (although there is nothing official, simply an agreement that it is something we both want) after college. However, there is an area that I have been developing a problem with and I don't think I can stand it anymore.

 

He has a close female friend, they have been friends for about a year. They used to work together before college and now all three of us have started at the same college. My first problem with this girl is that she used to like him, she even told him "Be sure to let me know when you're single." Plus she messaged me and told me that "He's amazing. you're so lucky!" Ok fine, a crush I can handle. Actually several girls that he worked with had crushes on him, no big deal. But now they are close friends and it is killing me. He has had many many female friends, and I haven't had a problem with any of them. It doesn't bother me, I trust him. However, I have had a couple male friends and he doesn't like any of them. But when I mention that I have problems with this ONE girl, he gets upset.

 

For example, one night I was hanging out in his room. It was a little after midnight and he sent me back to my room because he was so exhausted. Well I noticed he didn't text me good night before I went to bed so I figured he fell asleep before he could. When we got together the next today he said "Yeah, I went up to her room and hung out with her til about two am." That upset me. He shooed me away because he was tired but he wasn't too tired to go chill out with her in her room for two more hours. He brings her up in conversations all the time, he will reply to all of her stuff online and talk to her but if I email him or send him something he ignores it. When I ask about it he's like, "You'll be alright. No big deal." It may not be the biggest deal, but it still hurts me. A couple nights ago he didn't get off work until about two am. He had been talking all day about how tired he was and couldn't wait to go to bed. Turns out after he got home he went up to her room and hung out for another hour or so and had his first beer! I was pissed. Last night, he and I were going to do something important. She messaged him online and asked what he was doing. He said "nothing," so she asked if he wanted to come up to her room. He said "No I'm doing something with my girlfriend" and she goes "Grrr fine. Well you're coming out with me tonight. Right?" And he said "No I've got stuff to do." So she just says "Fine. Bye." When I got quiet he just said "God why are you getting upset about this?" I am glad that he turned her down. I would not have liked it if he had gone out partying with her, especially with just her and he's not a partying person! I suppose I have more of a problem with her than anything else. She is rude, she uses people, she sleeps around a lot and she isn't faithful in her own relationships. She really seems like she thinks she owns him. When we see her in public he's giving her hugs and it's like all of a sudden I don't exist. And I would hang out with the two of them but I can't! When I'm doing something and I get done, I can't get ahold of him because he's hanging out with her and won't answer my calls or texts when he is with her! He only hangs out with her if it's like two am and I'm in bed or if I'm busy. But I try to talk to him about this and he gets upset. He just says "You don't have to like her but I don't want to lose this friendship." He is constantly making little jokes about how he slept with her or how she's great in bed and then swears up and down he's just teasing me. But he knows it upsets me. I keep thinking about it and I can't get it out of my head. I have never had this kind of fear about his friendship with another girl. But something in my heart and my gut feels that this is wrong. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. But it feels like he is much more attracted to her emotionally than to me. I'm so afraid that he's falling for her and that I'll lose him. Like he would rather spend time with her than me. And that kills me inside. I don't nag him at all, but when I try to talk about it he doesn't seem to care that I'm upset. HE KEEPS TELLING ME THAT THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS! HE EVEN SAYS THAT "OTHER THAN ME" SHE S HIS BEST FRIEND! Someone please give me some input. I'm tired of feeling so alone about this!

 

Can a man and a woman have a strictly platonic friendship?

[notsograceful05]

If Anyone Has Any Advice Or Opinions On My Situation I Would Love To Hear Them! I'm Open To Anything!

[tinke]

you had stated you have a problem with HER, and added list of concerns. then you said when together, he hugs her and acts as if you don't exist. the problem is not HER, but rather with your SO and you. believe me, if someone cares enough, they can get their priorities straight. if nothing else, he is taking your love for granted.

 

i can see remaining friends, but it is up to HIM to include you (always), and he should curtail her actions.

 

might be he wasn't too tired, and sent you to your room...........maybe, he was getting impatient, and asked you to leave? who knows. the point is, his actions are causing disrupt in your relationship. rather than appearing jealous, have you tried to seriously talk to him about this?

 

you both are very young...can it be too soon to talk of marriage? is he feeling pressured? what is he getting from her and not you? more attention? flattery?

[ohfudge]

I think you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. If you are really that upset over it then you must talk to him.

 

I think your boyfriend attention to his female friend is a tad strange but then again it is always possible that he simply need some space to miss you. When couples spends lots of time together they really do grow tired of on another and crave others company.

 

About a male and female being just friends I have been question that lately too. I have a close male friend, I have known him for the last two years and I have a strongest feeling that he likes me more than just friends. I truly look at him as just a friend, someone I can talk to but I think he sees me as more. He is a friend I really don't want to lose so chose to ignore it but it did make me question can men and woman be just friends. I think men see more to male female friendship then woman do.

 

My recommendation is talk to him. It is your right. Mention some of the things you have mentioned above. About sending you to your room yet going to see her. If you don’t you are going to drive yourself crazy.

[love necessity]

Ok...How old are you guys? Like 12? The way he is treating you is unacceptable, and you probably don't know what to do, because you are still young and you think that this is normal. Well, it's NOT! First of all, why haven't you dumped him yet? He should have been gone by now, especially since he "claims" or "JOKES" around that he has slept w/ her. I think that they are both attracted to each other, but don't take it any further than that because of you. But, it won't be too long, before he is apologizing to you for sleeping w/her. You need to stand up, get your **** and put him in the box--to the left--to the left...You're young, you won't have an issue finding someone else.

 

The ingredients of a healthy relationship are trust, respect, and compassion. It doesn't seem like you guys have a real relationship. First of all, there is no trust, I mean...how could you trust him anyway? Respect...well that got tossed out the window when he told you he slept w/ her...even if he was only playing around...and compassion...It doesn't seem like he's really all that compassionate about your feelings...I mean he won't eveb give up his slutty friend...

 

So you do the math...Are you guys even compatible anymore?

[Whyme_wtf]

HI....These are serious red flags and you need to have a heart to heart with him. Say what is on your mind and you will find out if his reactions and future actions are acceptable to the relationship you each think you want.

 

I had a similar situation http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130169/

 

IMO, I would go out with the girls and feel good about yourself as a person and don't let him and his antics drag you down. If he can't be open and trutthful to you, then simply move on.

No emotional baggage or rants. Just say what you feel and need and it will come out.

Feel good about yourself first and go have fun.

Keep us posted.....

[zsunnydayz]

You boyfriend seems a little childish. I think it would be wise to cut ties with this type of person as soon as possible, your feelings seem to be getting walked over and it's not nice.

[lindya]

He has a close female friend, they have been friends for about a year. They used to work together before college and now all three of us have started at the same college. My first problem with this girl is that she used to like him, she even told him "Be sure to let me know when you're single." .....He brings her up in conversations all the time, he will reply to all of her stuff online and talk to her but if I email him or send him something he ignores it.....Last night, he and I were going to do something important. She messaged him online and asked what he was doing. He said "nothing," so she asked if he wanted to come up to her room. He said "No I'm doing something with my girlfriend" and she goes "Grrr ....she uses people, she sleeps around a lot and she isn't faithful in her own relationships. She really seems like she thinks she owns him. When we see her in public he's giving her hugs and it's like all of a sudden I don't exist. ...I try to talk to him about this and he gets upset. He just says "You don't have to like her but I don't want to lose this friendship."....He is constantly making little jokes about how he slept with her or how she's great in bed and then swears up and down he's just teasing me....something in my heart and my gut feels that this is wrong. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. But it feels like he is much more attracted to her emotionally than to me.

 

Can a man and a woman have a strictly platonic friendship?

 

This could have been written by me a few years ago. I really feel for you.

I can give you the version of how things panned out for me in this situation, and what my subsequent take on it was.

 

Generally he was the kind of guy who'd touch me in public - my hair, my face, stroking my arm - to the extent that other people would make puking gestures about the lovey-doviness of it all. Whenever the female friend was around, however, he'd hardly touch me at all...though he'd show her affection in front of me (hugs etc).

 

I also started to feel as though I was some kind of obligation in his life, rather than someone he loved and could have fun with. Suddenly she was the one he discussed books, films and philosophy with, and I stopped feeling remotely bright, funny and interesting. Started to just feel like a dumb Stepford girlfriend with nothing interesting to say - and that was suddenly how he seemed to be viewing me. It happened really quickly, too.

 

I tried to talk to him about it, but got the same reaction that you did there. Then he slept with her. He didn't tell me about that straight away. He took me to a party that she was at. I spoke to her, socialised, carried on as normal - but I had a strong sense (increased by one or two veiled comments other people made to me) that other people at the party were either laughing at me or feeling sorry for me. That it was all connected to their friendship.

 

When we got home, he admitted that he'd screwed her. He also told me that he and she had discussed my insecurities about their friendship and they had concluded that in a sense I'd brought the cheating episode on myself.

 

Fast forward. We split up, naturally, and he had a brief involvement with her. From what limited things a couple of friends have insisted on telling me about him, their involvement didn't last long, and they're not even friends now.

 

The way I see it she served little more than a transitional purpose for him. An easy ticket out of a relationship he'd outgrown. I think women like that often do find themselves in that role (or place themselves in them).

[whichwayisup]

He also told me that he and she had discussed my insecurities about their friendship and they had concluded that in a sense I'd brought the cheating episode on myself.

 

He actually had the balls to say that to you? What a fool! Well, I am glad that he isn't in your life anymore, HE isn't worthy of YOU and all that you have to offer.

[lindya]

He actually had the balls to say that to you? What a fool! Well, I am glad that he isn't in your life anymore, HE isn't worthy of YOU and all that you have to offer.

 

Thanks WWIU. I didn't mean to make this thread all about me and that long gone episode. The OP just struck a chord with her post due to some of the parallels.

 

If you're with someone who has a close friendship with another woman to the extent that you feel usurped in many ways, it's bound to create concerns. It's hard to openly address that without sounding insecure....but particularly if he's going to go back to her and dissect all your private conversations (and, it goes without saying, you). Where you have a male/female "best friendship" it's pretty much guaranteed that no private conversations with partners will remain private.

 

The fact that the OP's bf is going up to this girl's room at 2am tells me that if a f*ck buddy relationship isn't already in operation, the groundwork is certainly being laid for it. With that number of red flags in place, it's probably best to walk away before all the resulting insecurity and anxiety has a long term negative impact.