Author Treatment Posted September 12, 2007 Author Share Posted September 12, 2007 PS. CLOSE THE SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNT. WHAT DO YOU NEED IT FOR? I told my wife about the account. She said that she'd like it closed without reading any of the emails. She also said that only if the account is closed will there be a message sent to the sender of the emails that there is no account. We closed it this afternoon. Thank-you. about the other things you said: I feel far worse than silly. I know I went beyond the line. Had my wife done what I did my response would have been much worse than hers. I don't think everything has sunk in yet though so I'm hopeful but not positive that all will be well in the long run. She told me that she knows she can forgive me if I'll be able to hang in for her. So that is good. I'm not going to phone her with or without my wife present. I think that staring-contest is right about that. What whichwayisup said sounds good. I'll suggest that to my wife. She may not want to say anything to the woman. She's awfully angry right now and has pointed out some behavior that I had not realized until I posted here. Things about the way the woman would talk to me and email me. My opinion of women is changing. Where I used to be pleased and flattered when a woman noticed me I now find I am angry and distrustful. I can't say that I'm very please about how I feel now but it does seem real than what I used to think. I always thought of women has inherently good people much better people than men. I realize now that the reaction that I would have to a man is about the same reaction as I should have toward a woman. I always knew if a man was being very friendly that he wanted something from me but if a woman was being very friendly I thought that was just her nature. I know better now. The woman wants something too. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 Best of luck to you and your wife. I'm sure you two will pull through it together. As things sink in more you may find that your wife getting pretty angry about what you've done, but if you help her see how much you love her it sounds like things will work out. I don't think I need to say this, but you've had a narrow escape. Pay more ATTENTION in the future. To your wife, to your marriage, to yourself and to what people around you REALLY want. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 This has been a very difficult night and morning. I told my wife last night. She's hurting very much. Both of us called in sick today and probably will for at least the rest of this week. We have a lot to talk about. My wife immediately realized the source of the anonymous calls we've been getting and has made sure to be the person to answer ever since. She picks up the phone and doesn't say anything, just hold on to it. The first call lasted at least five minutes. They've been decreasing in length but picking up in frequency. I received three emails from the woman. I haven't opened them and don't think I will. I've done what was suggested here and this morning blocked her from my email. Will a block send a message back to the sender or does that only happen if the account is closed? It appears that my wife does love me. When I told her about what I did SHE tried to comfort ME. How sad is that? I feel so terrible about this mess. My wife is telling me how sorry she is that SHE wasn't communicating well. What an ungodly sorry situation. If that woman keeps this up I'm going to notify the telephone company. Surely they can do something. These are anonymous calls though not blocked ones. How does that happen? My wife would know but that isn't something I feel I can talk to her about yet. We talked about going to marriage counseling. She's all for it and reminded me that she's asked me to go 2 or 3 times in the last few years. I was the one who said no. What a bum I am. I'm glad your both willing to go to MC and work on whatever it is you both need to improve on. I have a feeling you both are going to be okay. Link to post Share on other sites
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 Treatment, everyone has said this, but I'm going to said it again, you have a very caring and understanding wife based on the way she has acted so far, so, value her. My question to you is, do you think your wife believe completely everything that you have told her? Meaning, do you think that she has any (even slight) suspicion that you might have gone further than what you've disclosed? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 My question to you is, do you think your wife believe completely everything that you have told her? Meaning, do you think that she has any (even slight) suspicion that you might have gone further than what you've disclosed? Oh his wife is going to have a LOT of lingering doubt and suspicion, it's only natural. Treatment needs to be prepared for that reality. To hear an OW tell it, all men sleep with the OW, so it's simply not possible to have an EA. She's not going to have an easy time with this. One more thing, Treatment, if you really and truly want the OW to stop bothering you you MUST communicate to her that your wife knows everything and that you will do whatever is necessary (restraining order) to keep her from bothering you AND YOUR WIFE. Please don't leave out your wife in this, the OW needs to see a united front. It's important. Only then will she get the message and go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 Any communication from you will just drag things on. Ignore her and if she doesn't stop calling or otherwise trying to contact you, call the police. I vehemently disagree. Right now the OW thinks Treatment is silent because his wife is making him stay away, she's got this whole fantasy relationship going on in her head. Silence to her doesn't mean he doesn't want her, it just means he can't contact her or is being watched. He has to make it clear that he's with his wife, his wife knows all and that THEY will involve the police if she doesn't stop bothering THEM. Then he can ignore her, but only after he sends that message loud and clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 Right now the OW thinks Treatment is silent because his wife is making him stay away, she's got this whole fantasy relationship going on in her head. Silence to her doesn't mean he doesn't want her, it just means he can't contact her or is being watched. He has to make it clear that he's with his wife, his wife knows all and that THEY will involve the police if she doesn't stop bothering THEM. Then he can ignore her, but only after he sends that message loud and clear. OWs believe what they WANT to believe, precisely because of what you said here about the "fantasy relationship going on in her head". It's 'six of one' and 'half 'o dozen' of the other. Makes no difference really. His best bet is to take his wife's lead and go by whatever is most comfortable for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 OWs believe what they WANT to believe, precisely because of what you said here about the "fantasy relationship going on in her head". It's 'six of one' and 'half 'o dozen' of the other. Makes no difference really. His best bet is to take his wife's lead and go by whatever is most comfortable for her. True, but it's a little difficult to perpetuate the fantasy when you've got two people in front of you and they're telling you to your face. Do you read some of these OW boards? If they don't hear from the MM they believe his wife has got him locked in the basement cut-off from the outside world. It's never that he doesn't looovvveee them, hell, sometimes even when the MM TELLS them on the phone or via a letter they insist the wife is forcing him to do so at gunpoint! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 True, but it's a little difficult to perpetuate the fantasy when you've got two people in front of you and they're telling you to your face. Yeah, but if this OW is really in full affairy-fantasy land, her warped way of thinking WILL probably make her believe that he is still putting on an act for his wife. That he is just going along with it and it will only be a matter of time before he caves and talks to her again. SILENCE is the key... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 ... sometimes even when the MM TELLS them on the phone or via a letter they insist the wife is forcing him to do so at gunpoint! Hell, WhichWay is right. Treatment's wife could be sitting right next to his wife, holding her hand and kissing her earlobe... and if the OW doesn't want to believe it, she'll be posting on some internet board somewhere that the wife must've had a vice grip down his pants and twisting it every couple of minutes. It's like the "I see dead people" scene in that movie, The Sixth Sense... ....they only see what they WANT to see. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 "I see dead people" Except the OW will say "I see no wife." Scary... Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 My question to you is, do you think your wife believe completely everything that you have told her? Meaning, do you think that she has any (even slight) suspicion that you might have gone further than what you've disclosed? Even if she doesn't think of it now, the thought will surely cross her mind sometime in the future. T has to make sure that he shows her how much he cares about his wife's mental health. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 As for the OW, when she calls, your wife should just say "I know about you and my husband, and we'd appreciate it if you stopped calling, stop emailing." Then hang up the phone. She'll hopefully stop. If she doesn't then worry about it later...Together you and your wife can either involve the police or together talk to the OW and make her understand it's time to let go and move on... If she's calling because she thinks that his wife won't "let" him contact her, then this may work. I've got to say, though, it didn't work for me. I said something along this line a few times. Then the calls just changed. She no longer hung on the line and would hang-up almost instantly. The frequency of the calls didn't really decrease, though. It went on for us for well over a year:sick: Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Do you read some of these OW boards? If they don't hear from the MM they believe his wife has got him locked in the basement cut-off from the outside world. It's never that he doesn't looovvveee them, hell, sometimes even when the MM TELLS them on the phone or via a letter they insist the wife is forcing him to do so at gunpoint! Exactly. They believe what they want, no matter what's said or how. If she's being ignored and the police are called at the first sign of trouble, she's having as little impact on the marriage as possible. I see no reason to open the lines of communication with her. But I agree with lady jane, he should do whatever his W thinks is best. If she wants to talk to the OW together, then they should. I don't think it's the best choice, but he should leave it up to his W. If she's calling because she thinks that his wife won't "let" him contact her, then this may work. I've got to say, though, it didn't work for me. I said something along this line a few times. Then the calls just changed. She no longer hung on the line and would hang-up almost instantly. The frequency of the calls didn't really decrease, though. It went on for us for well over a year:sick: D*mn, some people just don't let go! I almost feel bad for these stalker type OW. Most single guys will run like h*ll from them. Either married guys lose the brain function to spot these types or they just don't care what kind of crazy *ss they pull. (No offense, Treatment. You were naive about these crazy ones from the beginning.) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 It went on for us for well over a year A year? Yeah, that is pathetic. One would think after a year of silence, no answering calls, emails that it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
BubblesKittyShed Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 ugh...I can't believe you people told him to tell his wife! treatment you are in a world of hurt, this nothing compared to when she ends up thinking and thinking about it...and why? she never needed to be hurt and you could have just ended the relationship and she would never have been wiser..so now it's always going to be thrown in your face and used against you. the people in this forum blow my mind with their crappy advice..sheesh, good going people for ruining this guys life, yuck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Treatment Posted September 14, 2007 Author Share Posted September 14, 2007 No, I think they were right. We have been talking quite openly about all of our problems and I do not think she would have ever spoken about the issues she was having with me. Things are troubled now but we had our first counselling meeting yesterday and it was OK. I did not understand how my behavior was affecting her and it was the same for her. I know that I may have problems that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't told her. If the other woman wouldn't have scared me I might not have told my wife what I did. This may end up better though. I hope so. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Better you telling your wife than the OW. You did the right thing T. And now you and your wife are on the way to recovery, fixing the things that are broken in the marriage and can make it better and stronger. It won't be easy at times and I'm sure it will be painful too, but as long as you both are willing to work hard and be honest, things WILL get better. Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 treatment you are in a world of hurt, this nothing compared to when she ends up thinking and thinking about it...and why? she never needed to be hurt and you could have just ended the relationship and she would never have been wiser..so now it's always going to be thrown in your face and used against you. the people in this forum blow my mind with their crappy advice..sheesh, good going people for ruining this guys life, yuck!! You're right. It would have been much better for the crazed stalker woman to tell his W for him during one of her many phone calls to his house. His wife would blissfully buy it when Treatment denied the OW's claim. I'm sure his wife is dumb enough that she'd never put two and two together. She'd never have been the wiser all right. Next time you give us your opinion, try to at least put half a thought into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Treatment Posted September 14, 2007 Author Share Posted September 14, 2007 Yeah that's what I didn't want to happen. I just feel so sad about everything right now. I always thought of myself as a good person. Right now I feel like a terrible person. My wife is so sad. When I look at her I feel like my heart is ripping. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. I wake up and she is either crying or staring at the ceiling or worst of all not even in bed. I stay with her almost all the time and try to reassure her. I've never seen her like this before. She's always been the competent successful woman who is in control of her emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Share this with your wife. Write her a letter and tell her everything that you've just said here. And, reaffirm your love for her and you'll do all that it takes to make it right again. Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Treatment, I've never been married, but if the forums here are any indication, the people who come clean and are both willing to work on the marriage end up with a better relationship than they had before. It doesn't just happen overnight though. It takes work. I guess the decision to tell just depends on what type of relationship a person wants to have. To me, if you have to hide things and lie, what's the point of having the relationship? Why not just be single and not have to deal with the stress and guilt of lying, ya know. I'm no expert, but I think you and your W will be ok, better than ok, in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 You're right. It would have been much better for the crazed stalker woman to tell his W for him during one of her many phone calls to his house. His wife would blissfully buy it when Treatment denied the OW's claim. I'm sure his wife is dumb enough that she'd never put two and two together. She'd never have been the wiser all right. Next time you give us your opinion, try to at least put half a thought into it. lol, I agree with you Staring Contest. Link to post Share on other sites
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Yeah that's what I didn't want to happen. I just feel so sad about everything right now. I always thought of myself as a good person. Right now I feel like a terrible person. My wife is so sad. When I look at her I feel like my heart is ripping. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. I wake up and she is either crying or staring at the ceiling or worst of all not even in bed. I stay with her almost all the time and try to reassure her. I've never seen her like this before. She's always been the competent successful woman who is in control of her emotions. Wow, it really affected her deeply. Have you told her that you're not attacted to the other woman and that you think your wife is more beautiful than the other woman? Well, even if you said that, she would probably not believe you. How old are your kids? Do they know what's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted September 15, 2007 Share Posted September 15, 2007 Well I seen that posts were deleted but I did get to see your last post Treatment. You sure that her mother's passing doesn't have anything to do with this too? She was hit with that and then you came forward shorty after. I can understand why she's not taking things well right now. Keep going to counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
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