My wife doesn't know

[Treatment]

Wow, it really affected her deeply. Have you told her that you're not attacted to the other woman and that you think your wife is more beautiful than the other woman? Well, even if you said that, she would probably not believe you.

 

How old are your kids? Do they know what's going on?

 

Kids are out on their own. No they don't know.

 

I have told her that I'm not attracted to the other woman. My wife is a very pretty lady and one who excites me sexually. She always has and always will. She doesn't think she's pretty though because she doesn't fit in with what is supposed to be pretty according to tv. Her image of herself has always been poor. This did not help.

 

Yes it affected her deeply. I don't think I'll know for 6 months or even more whether or not she'll leave me over what I did. I just know that I will do anything that is required to make sure that she is OK with herself.

[Treatment]

You sure that her mother's passing doesn't have anything to do with this too? She was hit with that and then you came forward shorty after. I can understand why she's not taking things well right now.

 

Keep going to counselling.

 

It probably does contribute to her sadness. She has too much to deal with right now. I want to support her but sometimes feel that my presence just causes her to hurt more. I asked her if she'd feel better if I found a different place to live for awhile but she didn't want me to. I'm glad of that.

[BestAdvisor1]

Kids are out on their own. No they don't know.

 

Yes it affected her deeply. I don't think I'll know for 6 months or even more whether or not she'll leave me over what I did. I just know that I will do anything that is required to make sure that she is OK with herself.

 

I think you've truly learned your lesson, but it can cost you your wife, marriage.....the fun and excitement with the OW wasn't worth it at all, was it?

 

Are your kids closer to your or your wife? How do you think they'll react?

[Treatment]

I think you've truly learned your lesson, but it can cost you your wife, marriage.....the fun and excitement with the OW wasn't worth it at all, was it?

 

Are your kids closer to your or your wife? How do you think they'll react?

Have I in any way implied that it was worth it?

 

The kids are close to both of us and far away from both of us. I don't think they'll ever know unless my wife decides to leave.

[BestAdvisor1]

The kids are close to both of us and far away from both of us. I don't think they'll ever know unless my wife decides to leave.

 

I don't think they need to know if things work out between you and your wife.

 

You mentioned that your wife is sad about all this. Did she express any anger toward you? Did you tried to comfort her, does she let you, what does she say to you?

 

Based on her reaction, if it had avanced to physical affair, I think you would have lost your wife for sure.

[IpAncA]

Has your W considered IC? I mean you keep going to MC together but she also goes to IC. Not saying she's crazy but it may help for her to talk to someone alone who can help her sort out her thoughts. Talk like you do on here...only with a professional.

[BestAdvisor1]

Talk like you do on here...only with a professional.

 

I'm offended. Are you implying that I'm not professional enough?

[IpAncA]

I'm offended. Are you implying that I'm not professional enough?

 

Oh don't start with me on the whole I'm offended. I'm not implying anything towards you. Why would you think that?

 

I believe there are those on here who are not professional that give very good advice and yes some have posted in Treatment's theads.

 

The sites little message that pops up around here states this places doesn't take the place of a professional(s).

 

It was a suggestion because she's a mess. This site would not IMO be able to give her the help she needs fully. IC IMO would be better so don't think for a second I'm cutting anyone down because there are professionals on here. That I can confirm.

 

Oh but yes I can see how you see what I said as negative. I try to word things differently next time.

[BestAdvisor1]

Oh don't start with me on the whole I'm offended. I'm not implying anything towards you. Why would you think that?

 

I believe there are those on here who are not professional that give very good advice and yes some have posted in Treatment's theads.

 

The sites little message that pops up around here states this places doesn't take the place of a professional(s).

 

It was a suggestion because she's a mess. This site would not IMO be able to give her the help she needs fully. IC IMO would be better so don't think for a second I'm cutting anyone down because there are professionals on here. That I can confirm.

 

Oh but yes I can see how you see what I said as negative. I try to word things differently next time.

 

Relax, I was just messing with you. I agree, if Treatment's wife continues with the crying, IC might be helpful.

 

I think their marriage will survive this, but I am not sure how big the damage will be. Maybe, hopefully, this unfortunate incident will make their marriage even stronger and more open. Then again, there is always the possibility that this incident has caused his wife to lose love and respect for him which will lead to the end of it all. Let's hope the latter won't happen.

[IpAncA]

Relax, I was just messing with you.

 

Sorry about that. There was something else going on at the same time.

 

But please for next time put a smily or something. I haven't talked to you long enough to know your personality.

[Ladyjane14]

Treatment... there's very little to be gained from hanging around on that other thread letting people needle you. In fact, I can't think of a single thing of any import to be had in there. Instead, why not concentrate your efforts on recovering the love and trust in your marriage?

 

You might begin by identifying the previous weaknesses which led you to seek companionship outside the primary relationship and addressing them. You'll also do well to spend some time thinking about what you and your wife need in emotional terms to feel fulfilled within the marriage.

 

A good starting point would be The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's not the 'end all and be all' as far as books on marital advice goes, but it's fairly well-thought out and easy to get through, so it's a good starting point. Chapman's "Love Tank" analogy is similar to Harley's "Love Bank" (marriagebuilders), and I think both will get you thinking of the love within your relationship as a precious commodity, held in a reservoir which needs to be shepherded.

 

Trust CAN be restored to the relationship, but it's very much a CHOICE... just as love is. It'll take time for your wife to get there though, so you'll need to be patient.

 

For the betrayed wife who's dealing with her husband's EA, her main concern is often that she feels her husband had STOPPED loving her, at least for awhile. And if he can do it once, he might do it again.

 

At some point, once the shock has worn off... she'll begin to see that "trust" doesn't just fall into a person's lap. We've got to crawl out on the limb and test our weight... knowing all the while that we might fall. She'll need time and plenty of reassurance in order to gather her courage.

[Treatment]

Thankyou LadyJane I will try to find the books you mention.

[frannie]

Yeah that's what I didn't want to happen. I just feel so sad about everything right now. I always thought of myself as a good person. Right now I feel like a terrible person. My wife is so sad. When I look at her I feel like my heart is ripping. She doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep. I wake up and she is either crying or staring at the ceiling or worst of all not even in bed. I stay with her almost all the time and try to reassure her. I've never seen her like this before. She's always been the competent successful woman who is in control of her emotions.

 

Yes, your poor wife... you really clipped her wings didn't you..? Totally out of control now and not looking so succesful and competent and in control... wonder why that is. Was what she was doing with those other men so bad..? Was she so intelligent and beautiful (though obviously unconventionally) that you felt so inadequate you had to go out and do this with another woman for two years.

 

And... you know, she can't be feeling so good now that her mother just died. Let alone finding out that she can't trust her own husband for crying out loud.

 

I am sorry, but I can't find any sympathy in my heart for you... what on earth do you think you're doing to that woman..?

[Treatment]

I have not been looking for sympathy. I didn't do "go out and do this with another woman for 2 years". I met her two years ago. I wrote her for about 8 months. I did not and do not think I did anything out of line with her until the writing, though I should not have given her a lift, it did not seem at the time to be anything at all. I do not consider chatting with a woman as cheating or out of bounds. I would not consider it cheating or out of bounds if my wife was chatting with a man she works around.

[whichwayisup]

Ignore frannie, either put her on ignore or just don't answer her posts. She's not here to help you at all, she's here to bash you and try to make you feel bad.

 

Just focus on the helpful advice, that will help you sort this stuff out to make your marriage better with your wife.

 

I do not consider chatting with a woman as cheating or out of bounds. I would not consider it cheating or out of bounds if my wife was chatting with a man she works around.

 

Ofcourse that isn't cheating...But, as long as the 'rules' are in place and no boundries or lines are being crossed.

[BestAdvisor1]

One thing that's different about Treatment compare to the other "typical MM who cheat" is that Treatment had no intention of getting into the pants of this OW. He didn't even have a desire to kiss her or hold her hand. He played a "game" with her to feed his ego and had no plan to betray his wife (assuming everything he revealed are true) by giving his true desire or love to this OW. He simply used this OW to boost his self-esteem or something similiar to that and had no feelings or attraction for this OW. If his wife understands that, it might become easier for her to forgive him.

[silktricks]

Treatment, I've never been married, but if the forums here are any indication, the people who come clean and are both willing to work on the marriage end up with a better relationship than they had before. It doesn't just happen overnight though. It takes work.

 

I'm no expert, but I think you and your W will be ok, better than ok, in the end.

 

It takes a ton of work, love and commitment, but it's worth it in the end. I think you two will be better than OK as well. Just keep letting your wife know her importance to you and your love for her. She'll be having a lot of ups and downs.

 

(Don't let the negativity of the OW around here get you down. They're only happy with MM who leave their wives. Ones who leave the OW are lower than snake bellies in their eyes --- you probably should stay away from the OW board.)

[OpenBook]

I do not consider chatting with a woman as cheating or out of bounds. I would not consider it cheating or out of bounds if my wife was chatting with a man she works around.

 

So the things you said to the OW while you were "chatting" with her -- you wouldn't have a problem with your W saying the same kinds of things to another man?

 

If not, then where is all this guilt coming from?? I'm confused.

[Treatment]

I have no feelings of guilt regarding the chats with the other woman that occurred while she still lived near here. My guilt comes from the e-mailing (which was hidden and my wife would not have agreed to had she known). And most especially the last few months of the writing where it took a romantic bent (I signed many emails with "Love, my name") and was definitely out of bounds. I think because she lived a long distance away and the communication was email I could re-make the woman into whatever was in my head. I didn't really know the woman as we had only had a superficial friendship of chats before she moved away. I think I just made her in my mind into a person who had the qualities my wife had when my wife wasn't angry with me.

 

From the beginning the woman knew I was married. Though I never told her that I was separated, the last month of our communication I implied to her that we were as when she asked me where I was I told her I was at the family cabin. I knew what she would assume because it was obvious that was what she wanted. I never spoke to her of my wife or my marriage. I only mentioned myself and what I was doing. The woman however spoke often of her boyfriend (she was living with the man) in a complaining manner, I thought at the time that she thought I would like to hear that. She would ask me questions about my wife and I believed she wanted to hear me complain about her. I just avoided the subject.

 

But when I ended things with her I was clear that my wife and I were together and working on our marriage. I was clear that there would be no further contact between her and me. The only thing I really ded feel OK about in the whole dismal mess is how I ended it, but apparently that didn't work either.

[Treatment]

One thing that's different about Treatment compare to the other "typical MM who cheat" is that Treatment had no intention of getting into the pants of this OW. He didn't even have a desire to kiss her or hold her hand. He played a "game" with her to feed his ego and had no plan to betray his wife (assuming everything he revealed are true) by giving his true desire or love to this OW. He simply used this OW to boost his self-esteem or something similiar to that and had no feelings or attraction for this OW. If his wife understands that, it might become easier for her to forgive him.

 

Thank you besadvisor that is the truth. I didn't want to "get into her pants" what I was doing didn't feel like cheating at the time I was doing it. It wasn't until I ended it that I really could see that what I was doing was wrong. Before that like you say it was just a game.

[Treatment]

Ignore frannie, either put her on ignore or just don't answer her posts. She's not here to help you at all, she's here to bash you and try to make you feel bad.

Thank-you. Helpful advice, but a bit hard to do. How do you "put her on ignore"?

Ofcourse that isn't cheating...But, as long as the 'rules' are in place and no boundries or lines are being crossed.

Giving her a lift to her car did cross a line, I guess. I didn't think it at the time, but someone on this thread said it was a bad thing to do. After I read that I did some thinking and then when I told my wife about it her immediate reaction was "would you want me to get a lift from a guy I work with?" Since the answer was "no" I could then see that it was out of bounds for us.

 

So I guess even before the writing there was some out of bounds interaction but I didn't realize it. Things crept up on me somehow so that each step seemed OK. I realize that some women here want to think of me as a vile man who led an innocent woman astray but that just isn't what happened. I'm not innocent because I should have realized that I was doing wrong but I didn't, or didn't let myself. The experience was a lesson that I should have learned a long time ago but for some reason I never did. I've learned it now though.

 

Writing and reading here has been another experience. As I said somewhere I had always thought of women as being more gentle more kind and frankly more honest than men. My mother taught me they were. It was just like the nursery rhyme about "sugar and spice and everything nice" that I was taught to believe. You'd think that I would have figured out by the time I got to my age that women are not better people but I didn't. The experience I had with this other woman taught me a great deal. The experience I've had here on this website has also taught me a great deal. It's very disappointing to me as I had a better opinion of people in general than what I've seen here from the women here. So my opinion of women has deteriorated a great deal from a few years ago. In some ways I mourn my old ideas but I think this will be more freeing for me over the long run.

[OpenBook]

Then I hope you understand how badly you treated her... You gradually moved deeper and deeper into a romantic relationship with her in your correspondence -- and then all of the sudden you cut it off with a short "I'm back with my wife and working on our marriage - goodbye."

 

Someone who's been through the ropes a few times (like me) would give you a big "F*CK YOU" and walk away. But someone younger, or someone with their own issues, who is on shakier ground... well, it's devastating to experience what you put her through (dallying with her emotions and then dropping her like a hot potato), and they have not yet developed the tools to handle it.

 

People are NOT playthings. I hope, if you learn nothing else from this, that at least THIS part will sink in.

 

My guess is, she is just in town for a short while (visiting someone maybe?). When she goes back to wherever she lives, AND when you change your phone number to stop the hang-up calls, it will eventually die down.

[BestAdvisor1]

Thank you besadvisor that is the truth.

 

Well, that's something new compare to your earlier posts which were almost yelling or even attacking me.

 

So, how's your wife doing? Does she still cry?

[Treatment]

Oh yes, I forgot. The calls are still running around 10 a day. My wife found the woman on the internet and knows where she works. On Monday she is going to call to see if the woman has returned to her home state by seeing if she has returned to work. My wife wanted to re-open the email account so that we can see if she is emailing as well as phoning so we did that yesterday. Within two hours there were emails from her in the account. Which I have to admit I don't understand as I thought she'd get a message that the account was closed when we closed the account and would then stop emailing.

 

Anyway we are keeping records on the calls. My wife called the phone company and they are helping us. We are also keeping the emails. My wife and I are going to send her an email telling her to stop emailing and calling and that if she does not stop that we will be going to the police about it. If she would get arrested for harassment her job could be in jeopardy so maybe she'll stop when we do this.

[Treatment]

Then I hope you understand how badly you treated her... You gradually moved deeper and deeper into a romantic relationship with her in your correspondence -- and then all of the sudden you cut it off with a short "I'm back with my wife and working on our marriage - goodbye."

 

Someone who's been through the ropes a few times (like me) would give you a big "F*CK YOU" and walk away. But someone younger, or someone with their own issues, who is on shakier ground... well, it's devastating to experience what you put her through (dallying with her emotions and then dropping her like a hot potato), and they have not yet developed the tools to handle it.

 

Well she's not "younger" she's in her late 40's. Yes I treated her badly but it wasn't quite what you are saying either.

 

People are NOT playthings. I hope, if you learn nothing else from this, that at least THIS part will sink in.

 

My guess is, she is just in town for a short while (visiting someone maybe?). When she goes back to wherever she lives, AND when you change your phone number to stop the hang-up calls, it will eventually die down.

I hope so.