A Girl I Really Like

[Jewklar]

Well i am in grade 11 and ive liked this girl for about 8 months now and i was wondering if someone could please help me. I've liked this girl a long time but she happens to be my best friend and i am also hers. We hang out lots and she knows I like her and ive talked to her about going out and she simply said said she doesnt want to ruin anything but that i am the guy she is looking for because she says that im the nicest person shes ever met and such things like that. She even said she wants to go out with me later down the road. Recently she told me when she was in kelowna she made out with a guy and i got absolutly crushed. I feel just like giving up but its so hard. What made it so much worse is that she IS my first true love and she knows that it crushed me but she doesnt know that i think of her as my first true love. I was wondering if there is anything i can do to make her like me now im running out of idea's. also is saying she doesnt want to ruin anything just an excuse to not going out and if anyone can help me with my over jeliousy because i get extremely over jelious...

[Jewklar]

I know I'm young but still please i beg that someone please help me out

[Yamaha]

she happens to be my best friend and i am also hers. We hang out lots and she knows I like her and Ive talked to her about going out and she simply said said she doesn't want to ruin anything

 

Not a good sign. When a women says she doesn't want to ruin the friendship it means you are entrenched in the friend zone and she does not see you in a romantic way. I would keep her as a friend and start asking other girls out that are not your best friend. Next time it is to your advantage to ask a girl out that you find attractive and do not go the friends route because it will just piss them off when you announce your feelings.

[Jewklar]

ya i know that... but also she said she really wanted to go out later which doesnt help

[Yamaha]

ya i know that... but also she said she really wanted to go out later which doesnt help

 

She is just trying to let you down easy. If she really liked you and she knows you like her then it is a no-brainer that you should get together. If fact that your not is because of her. She doesn't want to date you. She likes you as a friend and women do not mess up their friendships.

[Jewklar]

alright thanks alot for ur help

[wwjd]

ah, there is something about young love that is so sweet. it's so unfortunate that it almost always turns to crap, though. anyways . . .

 

have you been upfront about your feelings with her? you wrote that she knows you like her and that you have asked her out, so i am sure that she knows you have strong feelings for her, especially if she saw your reaction to her telling you about her make-out session with another guy.

 

honestly, i think it is messed up of her to be telling you that she made out with other guys knowing that you have feelings for her. why? it's simple: when you have feelings for another that trespass the friendship boundaries, you absolutely do not want to hear about them crushing on or making out or hooking up with another person. it just hurts--a lot, and you experienced that.

 

certainly she does have a right to go and make-out with whomever she wants, as she is not your girlfriend. however, the difference here is that she claims to be your best friend; she knows you like her and she knows that her telling you she made out with X guy is going to hurt you, yet she did it anyway. what i am saying here is that since she is not your girlfriend, she can hook up with whomever she pleases, but since she is the friend of yours who you like/love, then she should keep her romantic escapades to herself so as to not deliberately hurt you.

 

if you keep on this way, then you are just going to keep on feeling the same heartbreaking feelings you just felt. you cannot make her like you: she either does or she doesn't, but those feelings have to come from within her.

 

you should sit her down and have a real serious talk with her. you should tell her what you really feel about her and ask her to be honest as to what she feels about you. if she says she likes you but is afraid to risk the friendship, you can tell her that it might not work out, but that then again, it might work out to be a much better relationship that you have now. assure her that there is a possibility and then ask her if she is willing to give it a try. if she says no, tell her to think about it some more for a few days, and leave her alone for those days. don't talk to her--let her think.

 

then ask her again and if she says no again, then accept it. if you pressure her, she might freak out. at this point you should be prepared--perhaps by thinking about things too in those days you let her think--to be her friend, not bringing up the bf-gf relationship anymore, and to listen to whatever she wants to talk about, as her friend, which may very well include other guys. if you think you can handle it, then try to be friends, but if you think you can't--which you have already proven you didn't do well on--then tell her you are going to have to back off the friendship for a bit until the feelings burn out a bit because if you don't, the friendship will be strained and unreal. and i doubt you want that.

 

all in all, in case she says no, you have two options: 1.) to stick around as her friend or 2.) to distance yourself a bit so you can deal with your feelings and clear them, if possible, so that you can resume your friendship as a real one.

 

be really cool about it. talk to her nicely, explaining your feelings and asking her to take them into consideration all the while listening to her.

 

if she ends up saying yes after your first talk, then there you go. but if not, then try it again some days later, while being prepared for another no (though hoping for a yes!), and if another no is said, then decide whether you want to continue the friendship as it is, which, imo, is and will be an unhealthy one for you, or if you want to create some distance to clear your head and heart.

 

just make sure to get your thoughts and feelings across and to listen to hers, as well.

 

good luck.

[Green]

if you follow my advice you'll be golden but following my advice wont be easy. First off your probably going to have to let this girl go being her friend is going to be tortue because the truth is you want her more then that. First off I say take your focus off getting her to call you her bf and going out on a date where you pay for her. what you should do is next time you guys are hanging out watching a movie or what ever just start touching her then making out then try to go as far as you want let her stop you. Secondly I would start telling her about how some girls have caught your eye. Ask other pretty girls to hang out and do stuff and try the same with them. Oh yeah and be prepared to say goodbye to this girl if she gets super offeneded when you try to get physical with her... now get to it... Dont be upfront with your feelings for her if you havnt already, and if you already have told her you love her tell her your not sure any more that you definetly like her though, look stop trying to get this title of im your bf and ur my gf and were in love just try to kiss her... get to it

[Yamaha]

if you follow my advice you'll be golden but following my advice wont be easy. First off your probably going to have to let this girl go being her friend is going to be torte because the truth is you want her more then that. First off I say take your focus off getting her to call you her bf and going out on a date where you pay for her. what you should do is next time you guys are hanging out watching a movie or what ever just start touching her then making out then try to go as far as you want let her stop you. Secondly I would start telling her about how some girls have caught your eye. Ask other pretty girls to hang out and do stuff and try the same with them. Oh yeah and be prepared to say goodbye to this girl if she gets super offended when you try to get physical with her... now get to it... Don't be upfront with your feelings for her if you haven't already, and if you already have told her you love her tell her your not sure any more that you definitely like her though, look stop trying to get this title of I'm your bf and ur my gf and were in love just try to kiss her... get to it

 

 

There is no way he is going to able to do what you have suggested, KMT. He is probably a nice guy and will accept her friendship just to be around her. She knows he likes her but she does not want it to go farther which means she doesn't see him in a romantic way. As WWJD states she even tells him about other guys and that is a clear sign of telling him he is just a friend. It would be in his best interest to just look for another girl as I don't think he will take the risk and ruin the friendship.

[Green]

There is no way he is going to able to do what you have suggested, KMT. He is probably a nice guy and will accept her friendship just to be around her. She knows he likes her but she does not want it to go farther which means she doesn't see him in a romantic way. As WWJD states she even tells him about other guys and that is a clear sign of telling him he is just a friend. It would be in his best interest to just look for another girl as I don't think he will take the risk and ruin the friendship.

 

first off your right there probably is no way he is going to physicaly or mentaly going to be able to do what I have suggested but its his only hope with this girl. If he accepts her friendship whether he relizes it or not hes living a lie because he wants this girl in the worst way and not just as a pal. WWJD's advise to sit her down and have a talk will never work, and the fact that she tells about other guy was recognized by WWJD as disrespect to our OP. It would definetly be the smartest move to just start looking for other girls and not focus on one specific girl until things progress into a gf, bf relationship. look op u need to try something physical with this girl and you need to pull it out of no where and it needs to be full of passion just steal a kiss and start making out and hopefuly shell be into it youve got nothing to lose and this is your best shot. I know you think your in love with this girl and maybe you are but the truth is you dont really know her well even though im sure you will argue you do. Cast a wider net and start hanging out and flirting with multiple girls, you cant invest all your times and hopes in one person or your really missing out on all the other girls out there who might be open to something romantic with you.

[Jewklar]

to be fair to her about her telling me that she made out with a guy

i asked her... otherwise she wouldnt tell me

and we have this trust thing where if one of us says honest then we HAVE TO tell the truth no matter what

[Green]

to be fair to her about her telling me that she made out with a guy

i asked her... otherwise she wouldnt tell me

and we have this trust thing where if one of us says honest then we HAVE TO tell the truth no matter what

 

take my advise just try to kiss her out of nowhere next time you get the chance, start off getting a little touchy then just jump in for the kiss. Go after other girls from this point foward, and above all else let me snap you into the reality that being friends with her is not what this is all about

[Jewklar]

as much as id like to... i cant because she is my best friend.. maybe if it was some other girl i could but not to her.. she thinks of me as her best friend to ... but we'll see what happens... im not gonna lie what WWJD said seems to be the best thing right now.

[wwjd]

KMT . . .

 

oh jewklar, don't do what KMT is advising you to do; that's just not right. well, not the part of forcibly trying to kiss her. she is your friend and with friendships come boundaries that you have to respect. and kissing, unless you both want it or are FWB, is one of those boundaries.

 

anyway, i think yamaha has a point in that perhaps she is trying to let you down easy because you are her friend. perhaps she doesn't not want to outright reject your romantic intentions by bluntly saying "no", and is instead giving you the typical excuse of "i don't want to risk blah blah blah". the fact that she says she would like to date you later on seems to be a nice way of putting you off. perhaps she should be more direct, but maybe she doesn't want to be crass.

 

however, she does know that you like her and she does know that her telling you about make-out sessions with other dudes will hurt you. while she is your friend, she needs to understand--and i'm sure she does--that for you, she is "more than a friend" and thus should spare you feelings of blatant hurt.

 

you are trying to justify her but the fact of the matter is that a real friend does not hurt another friend when there is no reason to do so, mess ups excluded. her not telling you about the guy is not a lie; it's not dishonesty. all it is is omitting irrelevant information that will do nothing but cause you hurt. she could have told you about her trip and that she met "a nice guy" or whatever, but she didn't have to be as detailed as letting you know she made-out with him.

 

imo, that is complete disregard towards your feelings in any way you see it: 1.) if she was trying to tell you so that you'd get the hint, then she should have found someone less hurtful to say or 2.) if she told you just because, then she needs to think a little more about your feelings and consider them also, not just her own.

 

this also brings up another point: don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. had she told you she met a guy and you had asked her something along to the lines of, "Oh, really? What did you guys do? Tell me more about him." then you are just setting yourself up. If she had told you just that, the best answer would have been something like, "Oh yea? That's cool. Did you do anything other fun stuff?"

 

anyway, my point is just that: don't ask things that might include answers that hurt you. i know that sometimes it's impossible to know, and that's where the other person's judgment comes in, but try to spare yourself as much as you can.

 

but still, i think you need to lay it out in the open and be completely honest. if all fails, i think you might need some distance because you won't stop feeling what you feel for her if she is around as always, and if anything, hearing about future guys and other romantic escapades that don't include you will just eat you alive.

 

you don't need that.

[Jewklar]

ya i know... but i really dont wanna just leave for a bit to get over her

but i would like to just tell her everything and i just want to hear what she says good or bad. i think she tries her best and truth of the matter is i think things may be going better but what do i know... she does alot more things with me now compared to what she used to.. for example we went to a friends house who had moved recently there. me her and another girl went up to visit him for a week. They had to sleep in the house however and we had to sleep in a tent. But she and the other girl would sneak out and she would always come into my sleeping bag and sleep with me and we kept eachother warm .. and stuff like that where she would just come lay down close with me. But she is a hard one to read... Thank you WWJD you've been very helpful and i hope to hear more from you regarding this matter

[wwjd]

oh i understand that you don't want to leave her (the friendship). believe me, i understand you completely.

 

your last posts is filled with confusing and conflicting behavior, on her part. maybe i am just really out of touch, but most girls don't sneak out of wherever to go cuddle up and be warm with a guy "friend" without having some romantic/sexual interest in them.

 

i say this because, albeit somewhat different, i had a similar experience with my exbf: when we were HS seniors, one day we were chatting on yahoo messenger and we both decided we were "bored." now, the strange thing was that it was 2AM. anyway, i sneaked out of my house and we both walked to his. he showed me around a bit since i had never been there before, and then we played some gamecube and just talked about whatever for a while. then he lied down, saying he was tired, so i told him that since i was tired too, maybe i should just go home. he said no, and instead i lied down next to him, and he proceeded to hug me for a while before taking me home.

 

the point is that during this time, we were "friends" and such behavior is not "normal" guy-girl friend thing. really, most girls won't cuddle up with you to get all warm and cozy unless they: 1.) like you, 2.) are in freezing temperatures or 3.) just want to toy around.

 

let's discard the second option and focus of the others. it's either 1 or 3, i think, and since you're the one who really knows her, i think you can make a safe guess as to which is it.

 

of course there's also the option that she is completely oblivious and doesn't think anything of it, but that is highly unlikely given that she knows, by your words, that you like her as more than a friend.

 

so, alright, you don't want to distance yourself--okay. i understand. but you need to understand that sticking around in a relationship (your friendship) where the love is not reciprocated can lead to much, much heartache. you need to seriously ask yourself if you can and are willing to do this for the sake or your friendship or for the sake of sticking it out, hoping that she may one day change her mind. here, you have to realize that she may not and that all your "friendship" causes was unnecessary pain.

 

but first, talk to her. be open about it, but don't come on too strong. just be sincere and try to act laid back, even though the topic is nerve-wrecking, but do so to try to make her be comfortable about it. if you act all emo about it she might feel pressured into doing something she doesn't really want to, so keep that in mind.

 

after you get your answers, you will either be all lovey-dovey or will have an important decision to make in regards to your own feelings and your own emotional wellbeing.

 

[Jewklar]

alright... well what exactly should i be talking to her about... like i obviously understand that i need to tell her how i feel about her and such but im sure theres things that im missing that i should tell her that u have in mind. Umm also im not very good when it comes to talking about stuff like that in person and when i do its usually over MSN or email which is probebly pretty stupid on my part and i should probebly start doing it in person. im just worried about her reaction

[wwjd]

yikes, you've just put me on the spot!

 

alright, let's see . . .

 

firstly, i don't think you should make it an overly lengthy chat. coming from me, that is irony in its sheerest form because brevity is just something i do not have. the reason why i suggest trying to compact what you will say is so that the meaning will be clear and to the point, and also so that you don't really allow your feelings the opportunity of getting the best of you (you don't want to start saying things you will later regret, as is typical with serious talks, such as this one).

 

i think that, really, there are just a few things you need to convey:

 

+ tell her how you felt when she told you about that guy. something along the lines of, "hey, listen X, this is hard for me to say, but i feel that i really have to, so if you can please bear with me for a few minutes, i'd really appreciate it. plus, it's really, really hot today and i don't think i can deal with much more than with the Sun Gone Wild. anyways, look, what i wanted to tell you is that--do you remember when you told me about your trip and your encounter with that dude?--well, when you told me that, X, i felt my heart break. i went mad with jealousy, and i apologize if i did or said anything out of bounds, but i was just really hurt because . . ."

 

of course, something that doesn't take 5 minutes to read is better, but i'm just giving you some ideas. after that--

 

+ tell her exactly how you feel about her: tell her that you are aware that you both are best friends, and that you really don't want to ruin that either, but that you can't help but feeling and seeing her as more than just a friend. perhaps you want to tell her how long you've felt this way about her and why your feelings started to change (ie: point out significant moments). you will also need to explain to her that you do not only like her, but that you are actually in love with her.

 

for that revelation, you are going to have to brace yourself.

 

+ ask her what she means when she says that she would "love to date you later on" and why she cuddled up with you that one night and anything else that gives you the impression that she maybe does like you and maybe does want to be your gf.

 

+ if she replies, listen to her and let her say everything and anything she has to say.

 

+ if she replies with the same vagueness and fear of ruining the friendship, remind her that you don't want to ruin it either, but that you two giving it a try may result in the best thing ever. reassure her that it's okay to give it a try, but don't pressure her into it. something like, "well, i don't want to ruin what he have, either, but the possibility of making what we do have even better is a great one, don't you think? it's a chance, i know, but it's a chance that may very well pay off in great things. think about the good possibility, too, not just the bad one, and let me know" might do the trick.

 

+ if you want, tell her that you want her to think things over, without pressure, and that you'll come back around in X days to hear her final answer.

 

uhm, i think that's it. it's important to leave the ball in her court, so i'd wrap it up with telling her you want to give her some time to mull things over.

 

also, i think this should be done in person. i understand such can be overwhelming, but such an important conversation should be taken seriously, which means you're going to have to toughen up and be direct--and that doesn't really include text and emoticons.

 

and lastly: i'm going to be honest with you. after you do this, if per chance she says no, then realize that the possibility and reality of things remaining "well/okay" are very slim. once someone has opened up to a friend about romantic interest, if the other does not reciprocate, then it always tends to leave a type awkwardness that usually ends in the dissolving of the friendship. you might think that this will not be the case for you two, but the reality is that it very well might be, so think about that two, alright?

 

[Jewklar]

oh boy... that really puts me in a tough spot

maybe it would be best just to not even say anything then if u think that our friendship may dissolve.. to be honest i dont even know with her,,, when ive told her other things i thought she might feel awkward with she never made thigns awkward and we were always friends after that like never before... but telling her that i actually love her maybe to much for her i dont know this is hard

[wwjd]

if you don't tell her anything further, then things will carry on in the same way, for her. for you, on the other hand, it will be difficult. you can't just make feelings go away on command.

 

if you think pretending everything is "fine" is the best option, then go for it. but just realize that you do love her, whether she knows it or not, and that that very strong feeling will make it impossible to have a "normal" friendship because every time she tells you about other guys, it will be like a razorblade to your heart--one that you're going to pretend is not there.

 

in reality, the "friendship" changed the moment you saw her as more than a friend, and it won't be until those feelings go away that it may return to be as it once was. how long that may take, however, no one knows, but in the meantime, you will probably be hurting more than you realize you will be.

 

think about it.

[Jewklar]

well.. im gonna see her tomorrow..

so ill let u know how things go tomorrow if ur interessted

[wwjd]

yea, follow up, dude. we'll be waiting. good luck!

[Green]

dont listen to WWJD she means well but shes a girl and she doesn't know how to get girls. Look dude my advice is golden and hind site is 20/20 you should have definetly made a move to start making out and touching her and stuff that night she crawled into your sleeping bag. Look girls like guys who are funny, confident, and honest. now if your not funny theres not much you can do about that, but you can be honest and confident and show her though some action that you like her. Go in for a kiss man, you'll have alot more sucess theres alot you can tell from a kiss. dont wait for the perfect oportunity the sooner this week you can get that kiss the better. Ive never in my life had things be out right and obviouse so if your waiting for this perfect moment where the girl is going to be yeah we like eachother we should just go out its not going to happen. Dont focus on this girl to much flirt and befriend other girls and be confident and go in for that kiss your lying to me and yourself if you think friendship is what you want from this girl. I gaurantee that if I had some magical power to posess your body for a day id be able to get this girl for you. it sounds like your so close now stop worying about screwing up a friendship you dont want anyways and go for it

[Melvolio]

It seems to be happening to me kinda, just the other way around. We became best friends after we startd dating.

[Green]

It seems to be happening to me kinda, just the other way around. We became best friends after we startd dating.

 

So are you saying you went from kissing too lets just be friends? instead of in his case how he wants to go from just friends to romance? look im sorry dude but if you went from a romance to lets just be friends its over for you move on