Asking for too much?

[helpme]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months now and have known each other for about 4 years. The first few months moved along quite rapidly and we have become quite close to each other. She was divorced 2 years ago after a miserable marriage (2 kids). She had a long distance relationship (3000 mi) with what I believe was a married man but broke that off a little over a year ago. She will neither confirm nor deny my belief but only to say she had an issue about his GF and that no one was willing to move across the country to continue that relationship. She has reassured me on several occasions that there is nothing between them now that I needed to worry about, i.e. he's too young, she knows she could never be # 1 with him, he has a GF etc, we had discussed this twice in the last month. I began asking about her relationship with this ex because I began to notice that almost every evening around 9 pm (midnite at the ex' locale) she would get a page and go call him on the phone. I also noticed she would get early am pages--6 am with beeper codes. When I inquired about these issues , she got a bit defensive and said they were still friends because he was there for her during a very tough time following the divorce. To top things off, this ex decided to fly out here for a day and a half at New Years and 2 d before N Years, my GF tells me she can't be with me because a friend is coming and she has to take care of something. After questioning her specifically, she admits it is the ex and says she needs to resolve things. Needless to say, the last several days have not been great for me. For additional perspective, our relationship for the last 1 1/2 mo has struggled a bit. I am the first man she has allowed to really get to know her kids ( 9 & 12 yrs) and I truly adore them and they have gotten very attached to me. But now as my GF has gotten more emotionally attached to me and we inch closer and closer to each other, she then will try to put the brakes to things and starts to pull back, which has caused me confusion and anxiety. She recently brought up the issue that we are at the point of formally making some beginning level of commitment towards the relationship, something I certainly believe we need at this time in order for the relationship to move on to the next level. Unfortunately, she says she is afraid to trust her feelings and make the commitment yet because she wants to make sure this is the right relationship and doesn't want to make another mistake, especially since I am the first truly available man she has been involved with.But how do you ever know if you don't take the chance? We talked for quite awhile yesterday and she said she told the ex she needed to move on with her life from her fantasy with him and was very sorry for hurting me, and wouln't blame me if I never wanted to speak to her again. She said she doesn't want to give up what we have, but she is still struggling with the commitment situation between us even though she cares very deeply for me and feels we go together exceptionally well. She also brought up something she mentioned about a month ago, that she wants to go see her shrink again because of her mixed feelings. I agreed back then she should go and we have decided to seek some couples counseling to help us out, because I am also going through a lot of anguish. I don't want to give up because I am falling in love with her, but now feel I really need to be more cautious because I was hurt so badly. But on the other hand, that is not my nature because I feel I need to share all of myself when I decide to have a relationship with someone. My closest friends ( one male, one female) tell me to explore other readily available options since my GF apparently doesn't want to give that up yet, but I have never been that type of guy to play games and I don't want to give anyone that I choose to date the wrong idea. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[No longer...]

Well Helpme I definitely need to respond to you since I was in an almost EXACT situation over the last couple months, and decided to break it off last week before New Year's because it was obvious that she wasn't ready to make a commitment because of her continuing attachment to exes.

 

But before I tell you exactly why I did what I did, let me first say that I admire your willingness to stick through this sort of situation -- it takes an awful lot of strength and faith to subject yourself to the almost-unavoidable painful feelings of jealousy and fear that come along with any current's involvement with an EX, even if it's only to "patch things up."

 

In my situation -- quite similarly -- she had a romantic relationship with someone who lived far away, but they had been friends since high school (although the guy always liked her). About a month into our relationship, this ex decided to "come home" for the Holidays and she, almost non-negotiably, told me that "she was going to spend time with him" and "patch things up." (although said that she truly did not want anything with him). All the reasons are similar to your situation -- and no matter how much explaining she did, and how much I quite-unwillingly felt the need to question her about it, it was clear that here was someone that still had an emotional influence on her, and when you're getting ready to make a commitment, knowing, sensing and feeling something like that makes it very difficult to want to go to the next level.

 

The bottom line for me, and the question you need to ask yourself, is how much consideration has she shown for how difficult this situation is for you? In my situation, she ended up falling asleep over the guy's house on Christmas Day, and never returned my pages or my calls until when she got back in the morning. That was the last straw for me since it showed an utter lack of wanting to put my feelings, and our relationship, first. Forgetting the crazy thoughts that went through my head about that situation -- whether something happened or not really makes no difference, the point is that she was willing to engage in behavior that could cause those suspicions. She then got mad that I was upset, and a few days later I called it off because if she couldn't understand why that would hurt someone who cares, then she doesn't possess the type of emotional intelligence that almost anyone needs to make a commitment.

 

I MAY have been more willing to stick through the situation if she had made a greater effort to ensure that my feelings truly mattered and that she was understanding of the fear and jealousy that could come with that type of situation. If she had "brought me in" and made her decision with him almost like "our" decision, then again MAYBE I would have stuck through -- BUT, the point is do you want someone who is emotionally unavailable? Who is unsure? I knew the right thing to do was to get out because it was killing me inside, and no relationship should do that. I wouldn't have returned that type of pain and expect the same in return. I won't settle on my principles for anyone -- because then I'm settling and those types of compromises can lead to long-term torture.

 

Like yourself, I am not the kind to want to play games -- but those situations were turning me into a "jealous and suspicious" person -- a HORRIBLE way to build a foundation for a relationship. YOur girlfriend sounds like she's doing the same thing to you that my ex did to me, and I would definitely "draw the line" now before you get hurt anymore. Let her know you CANNOT (emotionally) tolerate it, even though you really want to, but you just can't. Her and I had the discussion several times before the last straw, and that made the choice to break up so much easier. I have gained so much more self-respect knowing that I can do what's right for myself, and despite the pain of losing her, I have full confidence that I did the right thing and have started this new century with confidence in my ability to make healthy decisions for myself.

 

I just want to quote one thing you said "I don't

want to give anyone that I choose to date the wrong idea."

That is me exactly -- but it wasn't my EX, and I can't be with someone who won't treat me the same as I would treat them. Can you do the same? I wish you the best of luck.

[helpme]

What should I do?

 

- I think the counseling is a good step even though I may not like what they have to say. I feel we need some commitment to each other in order to allow the relationship to grow, because even though I don't like to feel this way with negative feelings and all, am I being manipulated until she thinks she can find something better? Or am I in too much of a hurry and asking too much. One of my closest friends said to just walk away because she has a real problem with how I have been treated.

 

- I feel she hasn't been entirely honest with me even though she says she has tried to be honest to me without revealing every detail. I don't feel I have asked for every detail, but just want to know where I stand, and the whole thing with the ex and all was very misleading to say the least. And now I have lost some trust in my GF and I feel bad about that because I have always been a very trusting and honest guy. And after being hurt this way I feel it may be difficult to trust again, and I don't want to be that type of person.

[helpme]

No longer/hopeless, thank you for your insightful response. I had seen your series of previous posts and saw a lot of similarity in our situations. To further expound on my situation, my GF called me at work 2 d before NYrs to tell me she couldn't see me and then sent a page to me letting me know how much she really cared for me. We talked on the phone later that evening about it and it seemed she was upset at what she was doing to me, tears etc., but said she had to do this. I still can't understand why she had to do it this way but was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She called me the next day and apologized some more and again reiterated how much she cared and was thinking a lot about me, although I wasn't in much of a mood to be pacified. She then left a message at my home for me on NYrs eve, and then we finally talked on the phone yesterday. She wants to go out tomorrow, we both have work commitments today through the evening, so I'm sure we will continue to discuss the current situation. It was quite emotional for me to read your opinion about my situation because deep down I know you are right, because I only want to be treated like I would treat someone else, with respect, honesty, trust, and a loving caring attitude. I also don't want to have the jealosy/suspicious feelings circulating through my body because it is so damaging to a relationship. I have let her know that one of our problems is that she is not completely emotionally available

 

to me because I think it is a combination of her ex status and she still harbors a lot of very negative feeling towards her ex-husband. Maybe I am a hopeless also.Thanks....

[No Longer...]

Well, I have to say -- given what you've told me -- that at least it sounds like she's made an effort to let you know how much you mean to her. I never received ONE apology regarding the situation my ex created, so there may be more hope for you than there was for me. I mean, last week, I made a series of heartfelt attempts to reach her (such as surprising her at work with a stuffed animal and a gift basket when she wasn't feeling well), and in the end, she basically gave me no affection or attention, so the choice to break it off was very simple -- I was feeling like I was giving 100%, and she less. That situation is unbalanced and I can't be in a relationship like that.

 

But as far as the counseling goes -- it sounds like that could be a positive step -- but many of the things that are going on with your situation sound SO "heavy" and intense (much like what I was going through), and it really ate me up inside -- was turning into an obsession, not love. But since she is also willing to work with you -- I'm not sure if throwing in the towel right now might be good. The only thing you have to seriously ask yourself is if you can "rebuild" the trust again -- and I would almost want to demand to know whether ANYTHING happened with the EX -- I would never ever ever stay in a situation where someone cheated. Stuck around once before in one of those situations and it never truly recovered.

 

However, I have to say that it does sound like she is still emotionally attached to her past. I have worked very hard to free myself (getting to "know" myself and all that), and I want someone who's heart is just as free as my own. The bottom line, from what SO MANY people in successful relationships have told me, is that things should "flow" and "come together" usually rather easily -- it shouldn't be so much work so fast -- so intense.

 

Well, anyway, again, breaking it off felt "right" to me -- my gut told me it was the right time and the right choice. If deep down that's what you feel too, you can't ignore it. I feel finally free from it all today and have allowed myself the privilege of having my "confidence" back in myself. Those situations take a toll on you emotionally, and heck what's the point of being in something if it only brings you down?

 

I again wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how it all turns out.

No longer/hopeless, thank you for your insightful response. I had seen your series of previous posts and saw a lot of similarity in our situations. To further expound on my situation, my GF called me at work 2 d before NYrs to tell me she couldn't see me and then sent a page to me letting me know how much she really cared for me. We talked on the phone later that evening about it and it seemed she was upset at what she was doing to me, tears etc., but said she had to do this. I still can't understand why she had to do it this way but was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She called me the next day and apologized some more and again reiterated how much she cared and was thinking a lot about me, although I wasn't in much of a mood to be pacified. She then left a message at my home for me on NYrs eve, and then we finally talked on the phone yesterday. She wants to go out tomorrow, we both have work commitments today through the evening, so I'm sure we will continue to discuss the current situation. It was quite emotional for me to read your opinion about my situation because deep down I know you are right, because I only want to be treated like I would treat someone else, with respect, honesty, trust, and a loving caring attitude. I also don't want to have the jealosy/suspicious feelings circulating through my body because it is so damaging to a relationship. I have let her know that one of our problems is that she is not completely emotionally available to me because I think it is a combination of her ex status and she still harbors a lot of very negative feeling towards her ex-husband. Maybe I am a hopeless also.Thanks....