I'm having second thoughts.

[Phoebe]

My story and some background info which may prove relevant: When I was at secondary school I was basically the shy, unpopular scruffy girl who only ever popped up on a guys radar if they wanted to make fun of me. When I was 16 I started to take more care over my appearance, meet new people and was delighted to find out that there were guys out there who actually found me attractive. Over the next three years I had an on again off again FWB (only I'm not too sure about the friends part) situation, on a couple of occasions had sex after only a couple of dates (and then got dropped), and stupidly ended up getting pregnant by a guy I met online who spun me some soul mate cr*p. I ended up having an abortion at 19. That was the lowest point of my life I basically felt like I was lost, that I wouldn't be able to trust a man ever again, that all anyone had ever been interested in was getting into my pants and then wiping their feet all over me. I was ashamed that I'd had an abortion and just felt really guilty and dirty.

 

Skip forward 6 months and I've agreed to meet up with my now husband who I'd been talking to online and had recently been stationed to the area. Although there was no instant spark for me, we had gotten on well online and to be truthful I was feeling very lonely and desperate to find someone to give my love to. Which was lucky as he was also feeling lonely and wanted to find someone who would love him. I don't want to make it sound like it was just loneliness and just anyone would have filled the gap, because that wouldn't be the truth. We are both very similar in many ways and even now with things coming to an end I do believe that it some ways we are perfect for each other.

 

We moved in together after 6 months, got engaged when we'd been together a year, and were married just 3 months later (the wedding was brought forward because he was being deployed overseas). Although the sex started off good it rapidly went bad. There were probably still some psychological effects from how I felt after the abortion, and looking back now the sexual spark had never really been there. What was more important to me at the time was that he held me after sex, we cuddled a lot, and we were both so loving and affectionate to each other. I guess I believed that he was my knight, and he believed that too.

 

Although I stopped using the internet to chat to people when we met my husband never did. On one occasion I had a girl contact me on my own messenger log telling me that my boyfriend had wanted to meet her to have sex. Just before we got married he told me that he'd been considering meeting an older woman who wanted to have sex with him (apparently the best man to be was all for it) but he'd decided against it. He always looked at a lot of porn which I was fine with but I hadn't realised how big a thing it was that he chatted to other people online. I guess I should have been more suspicious when he was advertising himself as single on his AOL profile. Six months after we moved to the States I found out that he had arranged to meet a prostitute behind my back. It was then that I suppose I really opened my eyes and realised what a big problem the sex/porn/internet chat thing was. I felt so hurt and betrayed.

 

We stayed together because I loved him, although I did gave him the ultimatum that he had to get rid of his porn collection and stop using the internet for those purposes. He did for a few weeks, he gave me the password to his email and started to help out more around the house. He changed his password after I confronted him about an email he'd sent to some guy, asking if claiming to be a virgin actually worked in getting the ladies. I found out from looking at the internet history that he'd been looking at dating sites and prostitute sites. When I confronted him in tears about this and told him that he was destroying our marriage he just basically told me that it was something that he liked doing, it wasn't a big deal, that I knew he wouldn't cheat (?!!) and that if it upset me so much I should just stop looking at the internet history. This happened not once but twice, until he started to routinely clear the internet history.

 

I suggested marriage counselling to him three times during that year, the last time he just told me that he didn't see the point in going because he was happy (but I could go on my own if I wanted). Regardless of all of this on a day to day basis we were fairly happy, and could still make each other laugh - although the sex was pratically non-existant and the affection had dwindled.

 

He got deployed again this year, and although I tried to find reasons for it at first (new job, pets to look after, new friends etc) I realised that I just didn't miss him. Which made me look at our relationship in greater detail, and I saw a man that I didn't trust, respect or want to have children with. He could tell that something was wrong and I did admit to him that I was thinking of leaving him.

 

To come to the end of a long story I am planning on being out of the house by the time he gets home (and he has been very good about letting me stay here and continuing to pay the same bills). For the most part I'm very determined that it's over, but I'm just having these little doubts. I still have love for him, even though I'm not in love with him. Sometimes I can even imagine him just coming back, us trying again and buying a house and having kids together. But I don't trust him, I believe that he will cheat again it's just a matter of time. I've come to the conclusion that sexually we are not compatible. I feel like he wants someone to mother him and I'm just tired of being the one to do everything. I'm tired of feeling so alone, and if I have to do everything myself then I'd rather be alone and do it all myself.

 

Do people here believe that I'm doing the right thing in leaving? Or am I just a heartless b*tch with her head in the clouds wanting an impossible perfect marriage and isn't willing to work towards it?

[Yernasia Quorelios]

My wife left our marriage for pretty much the reasons you list which effectively boil down to spousal neglect and not listening. You are definitely working at your marriage, he's the one who isn't and you are most certainly not a "heartless b*tch".

 

You have done everything you can to try and help him to listen but he's effectively ignoring you. My suggestion is to leave but continue with the counselling and invite him along when he inevitably starts begging you to come home and seems to be showing remorse. If the begging/remorse doesn't eventuate, then consider yourself fortunate to have escaped when you still have the opportunity to find some-one worthy of your respect and love.

 

Quite apart from anything else, a change of scenery may help clear your thinking.

 

Good luck.

[Phoebe]

I didn't go to marriage counselling because I have to be honest I couldn't really see how that would help without us both there. The thing is that now he says he does want to work on it, maybe go to a counsellor. But I don't trust him. I believe that he's only saying that to get me to stay around because he hasn't found anyone else. He was happy with the way things were, why would he really want to change that?

 

He's told me in a letter that he doesn't chat girls up on the internet (although from a bank statement I know that he's signed up to Eharmony), he does it face to face. He said he doesn't get anywhere but for the most part he doesn't care because they're not me.

 

He's not a bad person, and we have had some really good times together but I feel that he's just stamped all over the trust I gave him and that I'm not really all that important to him.

 

I guess maybe I'm just thinking that I'm being unrealistic in thinking that there's someone out there that would be better for me. Maybe all men are the same (and I'm really hoping that there are some men out there who will butt in at the moment and tell me I'm wrong) and it's just a case of better the devil you know.

[Reckless]

Pheobe,

 

Your low self esteem will follow you and push you into making more bad decisions unless you make efforts now to start working on YOU.

 

You married essentially for the wrong reasons and patterns tend to repeat themselves in life unless first we recognise them and then break them. Your husband has given no indication that he wants the marriage to survive and for him the internet meet-ups/porn use and lack of sexual intimacy were fine. This is unlikely, VERY unlikely to change.

 

Whether you 'settle' depends on what you feel you are worthy of, unless you love yourself and shake your pre-teenage conviction that no man of real worth (your co-dependency with the present partner does not qualify) will ever look at you, you will continue in the pattern.

 

Therapy and self-help are not only for the psycotic we ALL benefit from knowing who we really are and why we do the things we do. Move out and get working ON YOURSELF and then you'll eventually see your present situation as others do. Only then, if your husband really loves you and is willing to start on his OWN journey of recovery, will you both be in a position to build something healthy.

 

As it is your marriage sounds unhealthy, unbalanced and doomed to failure. If you don't think you are worthy of better a life of unhappiness will start looking like a good deal. It isn't.

 

Good Luck,

R

[Yernasia Quorelios]

There's nothing wrong with going to a marriage counsellor on your own - they may well end up helping you come to terms with the end of your marriage .

 

I'll reiterate that I think that you should leave, gain some space and go to counselling. Start on your own so that you can give the counsellor a clear view of your position. Once you are happy that the counsellor fully understands things from your point of view, your partner, if they are still willing, can join the sessions. If they are not willing, then, quite frankly, good riddance to them .

[Phoebe]

Thanks for your support Reckless. One of the reasons that my original post was so long-winded and gave history back to when I was 16 was because I suspected that maybe I had low self-esteem issues. I think I have trust issues as well which are probably related to my mum's relationship with her boyfriend (parents divorced when I was very young, my mum had an on/off relationship with a man who was never there for her, never helped her out and even left her when she was on anti-depressants after my dad died). I guess I grew up believing that men are useless and you can't depend on them.

 

When I first made the decision to leave I looked into counselling just for myself and the issues listed above, I even got myself registered but ended up cancelling the appointment. Basically I couldn't find someone in my area that was open when I wasn't working, and my boss was not supportive of the idea of me taking time off. I find this website very helpful though.

 

I have realised that my bad experiences with men are not because all men are bad and can't be counted on. It's my own issues which are hurting me, and holding me back. I do feel that as I get older I get more confidence in myself. I feel like I'm finally starting to reclaim my life as my own and that I am worth something. Unfortunately I still have moments when I slide (like yesterday) and start to doubt myself. I know I'm on the right path though, I just have to stay strong enough to stay on it.

[Phoebe]

Thanks Yernasia Quorelios. I suppose my second thoughts were about whether or not to even work on the relationship. In some ways I believe that our marriage was a mistake, that we should never have gone beyond friends and that it was rushed. He doesn't believe this and so I feel guilt, because I had doubts and still went through with the marriage, and because I'm leaving him while he's deployed in the desert and needed my support. He's not a terrible person, there are some very sweet aspects to him, but I do believe that we will be happier in the long run if we end our marriage now. I also feel guilt because I don't want to fight for our marriage anymore, I just want to leave.