Is stealing someone else's husband ok?

[Annoyed]

I have to say Owl that you sound like a very forgiving and understanding guy. I don't know if I could do what you did.

 

I'm not saying that the OWs go out of their way to steal people's husbands but I do feel very strongly that they have a choice. Maybe you don't choose who you fall in love with but I don't believe that love just 'happens' suddenly, I think it's something that occurs gradually over time, time that shouldn't be spent together if you feel an attraction to someone who is taken.

 

Obviously, there are circumstances inwhich the marriage is already in trouble but in these cases the OW could always wait till the husband leaves the wife.

 

It's not fair to say that the husband always goes back to wife - it sounds like you're saying that the wife shouldn't complain. It's not the same relationship she's getting back and it certainly will not be easy for her (or the kids if there are any). I mean the wife had him already, had him first, they made vows till death....why make these vows (or any kind of vows) unless you mean it and try your damndest to uphold them. She should have him always.

 

Look I'm not blaming the OW but I do feel she's partly responsible (and even selfish) starting a relationship with a married man - I mean obviously if the guy is hiding the relationship from his wife there's something fishy going on. He's probably not being honest with either woman.

 

But hey, I think all men are b*stards anyway. (well with the exception of owl of course, he sounds sensational - but I certainly wouldn't pursue the matter as I know he is married!)

[tiredofbeingtheother]

it is wrong to steal someone elses husband. i have been cheated on and know how bad it hurts. but i also have been involved with a married man for a long time. we both tried to fight it and took breaks from each other but fate (or whatever) would always throw us back together. and we both feel bad about it and we never wanted to hurt anyone. that was never our intentions. but love is love and its this wonderful thing that cant be controlled or explained. and yes he is still married but has left her and is living with me. i just know we were meant to be and i dont care what outsiders think, walk a mile in my shoes before you judge. so even though i think it is wrong , there are exceptions to every rule.

[Annoyed]

Oh and don't forget what they say:

 

Don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes....then you are a mile away and you have his shoes.

[Michael86]

But at least I know that I have done my part, at the office, and I am going to keep our relationship a working one, and we are going to remain friends. That is comforting to me at this point. AFter all, it is all that I have...

And although I am sitting here at work with a broken heart, and feeling very hurt, and he is in the next office,

I know that I did the right thing.

 

Bravo Hunter. I admire you for realizing what you were doing was wrong and doing something about it. I know you're hurting terribly right now, but there has to be a part of you that feels good about what you did - even if you can't feel it right now.

 

You did the right thing Hunter. Good luck to you and let us know how you're doing.

 

Michael

 

And Tanita, the fact you have to ask if it's OK to steal someone's husband is mind blowing to me. OF COURSE IT'S WRONG.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by lynnered

StillHurtin/veronica1922 /Annoyed

nobody is holding a gun to mm heads and sticking his d*** in anybody!!

i am xow 1 of all if we want to get nasty,

i can say if that cow of a wife took care of him at home sexually, emotanially and took care of her self then maybe he wouldn't NEED someone else ,

because most of the time a man will not stray if you keep doing what you did to get him.

and you act like your men are perfect &OW is sinner she took him ,if your man was so committed and loved you so much he would not take it to that level with another woman.

and guess what some MM when caught yes they will say they love you ,she was nothing thats not always the case she was nothing, cause they got caught all some w are to theseMM are the person who takes care of their kids ,who will screw them over in child support ,who will ruin their life when leaving you ,not cause they love you ,because their comfortable, comfortable with someone they no longer love ,comfortable seeing kids everyday.

there are so many married people unhappy out there many reasons to stick around and i still love her is not usually top of list,

with my xmm he felt he made a mistake knocking her up he had to live with it,he does not love her ,he feels stuck ,he was comfortable having a home,dog ,before knocking her up he stayed because he was scared he would be alone &hoped she would change her ignorant ways,

but anyway i was not the one married so where do you get off blaming OW?was she up there with you saying your vows? no, she most likely does not know you,owes you nothing he owes it to you to say ,I'm leaving,we need to work on this ,whatever not her .

 

I agree that no one put a gun to H's head when he had the A, it was his choice to stick his d!ck into the OW. But, I refuse to take ANY blame for him deciding to do it b/c I was " that cow of a wife who didn't take care of him at home sexually, emotanially and took care of myself then maybe he wouldn't NEED someone else ,

because most of the time a man will not stray if I keep doing what I did to get him! First, my H was sexually satisfied w/ our sex life. We had sex several times a week. When I did say no it was b/c I was exhausted from working 12 hours a day or I was so pi$$ed at him for spending our last dime on himself for his sports or beer. Money was always an issue, he would spend it faster than it would come in. His drinking was an even bigger issue and s*** hit the fan when he drove our two young children home drunk from a sporting event (I was not there as I had training for my job). I told him he either quits drinking or me and the kids were leaving, he did. And when we did argue I was called a fat cow, pig, and I was only 140 lbs at 5'5. I was not a fat cow. If he wouldn't of been spending our money all the time and not leaving any for us, and coming home drunk almost every night I wouldn't of been such a b!tch to him where he thought he needed to call me names. Yes, he has went to counseling for his anger problems since the A (one thing I insisted on if he wanted the M to work) and it has helped.

 

As for the OW, yes she did know me. She tried being my friend for three years b4 the A. I did like her at first. She had a nice personality (from what I knew from only talking to her once). If she wouldn't of been flirting w/ my H all the time I could of easily been friends w/ her. But she screwed that up. And then I heard what she was like from ppl who worked w/ her and I didn't trust her after that. I couldn't go into H's work w/o her running up to me and wanting to talk, she even had the nerve to give me a hug once. She knew H was M and when we were having problems she was right there comforting him. When I confronted her about the A she denied it and said she knew we were having problems and that she would talk to H. She asked me if I still loved him, did I want the M to end, blah, blah, blah. She even had the nerve to tell me she would talk to H for me, to make him realize how much I still loved him and wanted the M to work if he was willing to. So she just back stabbed me the worst I have ever been stabbed just to get in my H's pants. Yes, he could of said no, she could of also been the bigger person and said that until he knew what he wanted, the M or a D, she wasn't going to get involved w/ him. She just clouded H's judgement. I can no longer be angry at H over this. He has apologized over and over again for how much pain he has caused me. He has done some major life changes to proof just how sorry he was for doing what he did and how much he loves me and wants the M to work. I have spoken to the OW once since the A ended. Did she ever say once how sorry she was for causing me so much pain? No! I am not bashing all OW, just her.

 

And like always, well put Owl!

[whichwayisup]

Still, you're really awesome and I commend you for all your strength!

 

To the original poster (APRIL 2004 this thread is from?!!) I think this has to be the one the stupidest questions ever posted...No offense. I'm sorry but it's true.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Still, you're really awesome and I commend you for all your strength!

 

To the original poster (APRIL 2004 this thread is from?!!) I think this has to be the one the stupidest questions ever posted...No offense. I'm sorry but it's true.

 

 

lol, I agree. It's kinda like asking "is it wrong to treat someone else like shi!"! Just doesn't make sense.

[CaughtUp]

I don't know what the particular intent on this question was but, I've often heard that there is no such thing as a stupid question and much like I did maybe the poster of this question came here for some sort of solace in a low moment and didn't need to be berated or made fun of.

 

Can any of you who have been the OW/OM say that you haven't asked yourself this question in one form or another. You know trying to make reasons in your head that made it ok to be doing what you are doing just so you didn't feel so s*itty even if for a moment. "His/Her marriage was bad before I got here" or" His/Her SO is such a bi*ch/a**hole that I'm just making Him/Her happy." So what? Are you all now attacking this person for asking "outloud"?

 

 

Now when I read the question it seems that Tanita was asking "Why did I get all of this flak for what I did when you all are stealing Husbands?" I could be wrong (been wrong before I'm an OW ) but that was my first impression when I read the letter not just the headline.

 

I understand that a lot of people on here think "Hey I've figured it out and I'm going to "Tough Love" everyone else into feeling this way too." But have you all thought about the fact that these OW/OM are intelligent people who are hurting and might just want someone to talk to who might understand where they are. I know that is why I joined. NO not for someone to say what I wanted to hear but someone who could honestly say how they are feeling in the same situation and tell me what they are doing to make it through the day. And the "Tough Love" thing maybe be necessary in some instances when a person keeps asking for help in a bad situation but I think some of you get in this mode and don't stop to think if that is the reaction you should use like a paintbrush with everyone.

 

And before you get your Victoria Secret/BVD's in a bunch this does not apply to everyone on here and I'm not saying that the "Tough Love" (because I do believe that it stems from a place of concern and caring) thing is wrong just maybe not appropriate all the time.

 

Ok, I'm done now you all can skewer me for awhile or ignore me either way I've had my say.

[newby]

i did say somewhere amongst this lonng conversation that i do believe it was a rhetorical question, in the way that it was not meant to be taken as a straight out question. the original poster is obviously p!sd that she got a load of verbal assualt when she confessed to doing something less criminal than stealing somebodys husband, when all these nasty OW are getting support.

hence the angry face at the end of the question

i cant believe so many people took that question seriously.

but now that they have, i'll just carry on

also nobody seems to be getting the point that me and some of the other OW's are trying to make, that we are not ACTUALLY saying the wife could have done more at home (i dont think she was saying that, its not how i took it) or that the wife wins in the end. we are saying if we were to take such a narrow, unsympathetic, one sided view of the situation we could throw that back at the wives who are taking a narrow, unsympathetic, one sided view of the situation. I'M CERTAINLY NOT SAYING ALL WIVES SHOULD HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE WOMAN WHO HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HER HUSBAND EITHER.

im just saying it is flawed in actuality to blame the other woman and think she doesnt suffer or feel guilt in the situation or suffer terribly from the lies she has been fed to get her there in the first place. there is hardly a woman on here who has not been fed a bundle of lies, that she believed because she was lonely and vunerable and needed to believe. IN SOME CASES THE WOMAN WAS EITHER UNAWARE OF ANY OF THE FACTS, OR WAS IN SOME OTHER WAY IN THE SITUATION BEFORE HAVING CHANCE TO ASSESS IT. once in, believe me very hard to get out and see through the tangle of lies, yes at some point you realise that you are actually a big secret or the marriage isnt actually over, its at that point when you are hooked and extremely vunerable to the truth maybe actually being that you have been completely played, used, lied to, your emotions have just been a tool to manipulate you further, you have not been taken seriously in any of this, and afterwards you know you will have to live with all of that AND go back to the bleak lonliness of your life AND live with the fact that all you are now is a big shameful guilty secret. or in the case of WS who come clean, a big big mistake and to the W a nasty husband stealing skank, oh and to the rest of the world A BIG FOOL.

believe me when i realised the situation i tried very hard to accept it and get to the truth which was tough, and when i had got to the truth, i got out. for me, i have to admit.

so whilst i have complete sympathy for the BS i am not going to stand back and allow the OW to be constantly attacked by those who are simply uneducated about what happens on the other side.

[MsMree]

You are just SPECTACULAR!!!

[lynnered]

Originally posted by CaughtUp

I don't know what the particular intent on this question was but, I've often

I understand that a lot of people on here think "Hey I've figured it out and I'm going to "Tough Love" everyone else into feeling this way too." But have you all thought about the fact that these OW/OM are intelligent people who are hurting and might just want someone to talk to who might understand where they are. I know that is why I joined. NO not for someone to say what I wanted to hear but someone who could honestly say how they are feeling in the same situation and tell me what they are doing to make it through the day. And the "Tough Love" thing maybe be necessary in some instances when a person keeps asking for help in a bad situation but I think some of you get in this mode and don't stop to think if that is the reaction you should use like a paintbrush with everyone.

 

And before you get your Victoria Secret/BVD's in a bunch this does not apply to everyone on here and I'm not saying that the "Tough Love" (because I do believe that it stems from a place of concern and caring) thing is wrong just maybe not appropriate all the time.

 

Ok, I'm done now you all can skewer me for awhile or ignore me either way I've had my say.

VERY WELL SAID!!!

[Annoyed]

I would just like to say in my defense that I am an OW....I was fed a pack of lies, didn't know the guy was married and fell for him. It didn't last long before I found out that he was married, I'm not stupid (or uneducated) and I broke up with him immediately. It hurt but as soon as I found out, I knew he wasn't worth it.

 

I NEVER said that OW were at fault, and wives are definately not at fault (as I said before men are b*****ds). Wives often have to carry the weight of the whole family on their shoulders as well as a job, women aren't super human and I'm sure some things HAVE to take a back seat for awhile, that doesn't mean the man should go and get it elsewhere, he should figure out how to bloody well help!!!

 

Anyway, I do blame myself, I think OW know that they are at fault too, even just for having fallen for the lies. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule but in general it takes two to tango...

[lynnered]

stillhurtin

i wasn't trying to say thats always the case ,i just generalized because you guys generalized

i don't think most OW prey and plot to steal mm!!

maybe a hot single guy,no kids,good job i might "prey"on that!!!

i did not plan my situation ,maybe i could have done things different ,if i had a chance yes,i would have not let things progress not cause of W not cause of XMM this may sound selfish but cause of me ,the hurt i caused myself his W does not know about A.

to be honest part of the reason i broke off w/h MM marriage is bad ,i know

this ,when every time he is home I'm getting a call about argument ,or he's pissed cant go nowhere by himself ,but all i was doing was making things better for him someone he could talk to ,who wanted to make love,who loved him didn't only want that paycheck.

so now he ims&emails at this point its getting on my nerves ,he is selfish.

i had A cause i loved him ,i went against my beliefs ,put my life on hold ,missed out on much ,for a man who professes his love ,but don't back it up .

he chooses to stay where he's unhappy ,takes the easy way thats who's at fault .

i didn't take the easy way for him ,i went through allot of heartache,at this point i don't even know if i want him"one day"i resent him so much for not being man enough to walk away.

i know everything is not black or white ,it just pissed me off that it was if you guys were attacking her ,"skank thats what we all call her "well I'm sure he wasn't calling her that at some point.

i come here because none of my friends know of A,i can talk to people who have been in my situation to vent ,but i dont even mind the posts that are from W trying to get there dig in ,i do not only see things my way .

but i don't think W need to come here gang banging &thats what it seemed like.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by lynnered

stillhurtin

i wasn't trying to say thats always the case ,i just generalized because you guys generalized

i don't think most OW prey and plot to steal mm!!

maybe a hot single guy,no kids,good job i might "prey"on that!!!

i did not plan my situation ,maybe i could have done things different ,if i had a chance yes,i would have not let things progress not cause of W not cause of XMM this may sound selfish but cause of me ,the hurt i caused myself his W does not know about A.

to be honest part of the reason i broke off w/h MM marriage is bad ,i know

this ,when every time he is home I'm getting a call about argument ,or he's pissed cant go nowhere by himself ,but all i was doing was making things better for him someone he could talk to ,who wanted to make love,who loved him didn't only want that paycheck.

so now he ims&emails at this point its getting on my nerves ,he is selfish.

i had A cause i loved him ,i went against my beliefs ,put my life on hold ,missed out on much ,for a man who professes his love ,but don't back it up .

he chooses to stay where he's unhappy ,takes the easy way thats who's at fault .

i didn't take the easy way for him ,i went through allot of heartache,at this point i don't even know if i want him"one day"i resent him so much for not being man enough to walk away.

i know everything is not black or white ,it just pissed me off that it was if you guys were attacking her ,"skank thats what we all call her "well I'm sure he wasn't calling her that at some point.

i come here because none of my friends know of A,i can talk to people who have been in my situation to vent ,but i dont even mind the posts that are from W trying to get there dig in ,i do not only see things my way .

but i don't think W need to come here gang banging &thats what it seemed like.

 

I am sorry for the pain and hurt your MM put you through, and Iam glad you had the strength to get out. I don't come to this forum to bash the OW, why should I? None of these OW have had an A w/ MY H, so I could careless. I come here to bash the OW that was involved w/ my H. I have had a few OW here tell me that the OW involved w/ my H was strange and didn't blame me for feeling the way I do.

[lynnered]

" am sorry for the pain and hurt your MM put you through, and Iam glad you had the strength to get out. I don't come to this forum to bash the OW, why should I? None of these OW have had an A w/ MY H, so I could careless. I come here to bash the OW that was involved w/ my H. I have had a few OW here tell me that the OW involved w/ my H was strange and didn't blame me for feeling the way I do."

thats true i didn't set out ,don't mind me getting so riled up in week 5 or 6 nc and he keeps iming &emailing me getting on my nerves ,

i do like hearing about the other side, it really disgusts me that she knew you !!

if she knew you its more painful i think ,because she did actually cause you more hurt then i think a stranger would.

but for me i made a mistake ,i still love him ,don't know about my future I'm i am so angry inside, i just want the me i was before i let this A change me ,she's there just hiding!!

stillhurtin i wish you the best ,i want you to stophurtin!!!

i think its good you come here get your anger out ,i do all the time ,i hope for you what i hope for me ,

one day to wake up with a smile on my face &no thought of all the things that happened to hurt me ,i just wanna forget i hope you do too,i hope you &H work this out &put it behind you!!