Separated, sad and confused

[Sameli]

My husband and I recently separated. We have been married for 14 years and had a very up and down marriage. For the most part I always thought it was just part of being married since our love was always, I felt very deep. That is until the last year or so. I found myself asking him if he loved me and our sex life went downhill. This is our 3 separation or maybe 4. The first one lasted a couple of weeks, the second one lasted a month and now this one..it's been 3 weeks of physical separation but 3 months of not talking. We have 2 wonderful children who love their daddy very much. His problem I always thought was that he never was good with responsibilities. Couldn't phone when he was going to be late from work, had no desire to talk about money ever, just spend it and leave me to pay the bills etc. etc. I on the other hand am very independant and I have to admit "controling". I needed to be in control since he never was. I always even asked him to take control of our finances and he never could. He stopped talking to his parents 3 yrs. ago over "money owed to him". In all honesty I have to say our marriage had problems because both of us had our issues. I think it was 50/50 but he suddenly became very angry at me when I was going through a very stressful time at work and decided tostay angry ever since. He is loosing so much and so are we. I love him more than anything and I feel lost, devasted alone and desperate for him. I need help. I am assurred by others that there is no one else in the picture, he simply is very hurt and angry with live. Feels that he gave me all of him and I wanted more. I need to make this right but he's not willing to listen anymore to me. I have suddenly realized all my issues but in his mind "why this time"...I also don't think it fair that he's blaming this entire marriage on me but I really want a chance to make it better...do I try to reach out to him or do i sit and wait??

Help

[Tony T]

Well, I promise you no advice we can give her is going to put a dent in the problems of your marriage.

 

The best thing you can do is see if he will meet you on neutral ground, like the office of an excellent and competent marriage counsellor or therapist. You have let your marriage get into very critical condition.

 

It will take an immense amount of desire and dedication to work with a therapist over a period of time to get your marriage on track. If he no longer desires to be married, it may be difficult to get him to counselling.

 

If you approach him apologetically, letting him know you take a great deal of responsibility for these problems, that may disarm him sufficiently to get him to a counsellor.

 

You've got a lot of work ahead of you and both of you will have to spend a great deal of time forgiving each other and totally erasing much of the past.

[Sameli]

I have hurt my husband in a serious way by my control issues and my "bitchiness". I agree that I have been the cause of my husband's leaving us (myself and two small children). It isn't until now that he has left for the 3rd time I might add. That I realized this is about me. I feel horrible and sick knowing that my personality has hurt him in a big way. I also know that he has very little tolerance for forgiveness and is now saying he has given me many chances and I've blown them all, so why now.

I know in my heart of hearts that I want to change because we had too many beautiful moments and he really is a wonderful man. How can I make him realize that this time I have hit a brick wall knowing what I am loosing. I have prayed and prayed and promised myself that if I got this one last chance I would make every conceivable effort to keep our marriage together. He doesn't want to hear it. We have been separted now for a month and a half and I think he has now found someone who is telling him what a wonderful man he is. The children are suffering and I am sick with guilt. I want him back in the worst way. Should I just lay off and wait and be his friend during our separation or do I get the help of his friends to make him realize everything he is giving up. He carries alot of resentment and it isn't only to me but also towards his parents for something he feels they owe him (money) and they have also hurt him in other ways. HOw can I make him realize that forgiveness is a way to heal the past and hang on to a life that can be fixed? I know, I feel it in every bone in my heart that I can love him in the way he wanted me to love him. I want him to know that I can really do this this time. How can I make him even listen to what I have to say? He says he will give me the time to talk about our finances and how we're going to sell the house etc. etc. but he won't give me a minute if it's about us. I know he is very angry and the past, his past tells me that he can keep resentment for a very long time. Our marriage was one that everyone envied because we were so close and loving. But his anger and resentment is keeping him from seeing what hurt he is causing the children and all that he is giving up.

I really need help with this. I am at my wits end feeling like a horrible person for how much I have hurt him but I want to make it all better and like he's said before "I need to think of all the bad times because that's what keeps me away".

Do I just sit and wait??? I feel that he will realize alot of things in 10 years from now when it could be fixed now!!!!!!!

Please someone I need advice.

Sameli