What can I do ?

[V6TransAM]

For more info see my other post "I ruined the trust in a 4 yr relationship" in the infidelity forum.

 

I used the internet to find other women to turn to instead of my gf. It wasnt physical, I needed an outlet or felt I did.

 

I'm not posting this to get bashed I do enough of that to myself for how I hurt her.

 

It took me getting caught 3 times and her leaving me for my eyes to open. I attend SLAA meetings twice weekly and participate in two online forums to help myself understand why I acted the way I did and how to make myself a better person.

 

I messed up bad, there is no doubt. I do love her with all my heart and we were engaged for roughly 1mth. We are seperated by 1100 miles due to career changes and my schooling.

 

She doesnt feel she can trust me and doesnt want to see me right now. She wants her space and says she doesnt want any relationship right now. We talk on a regular basis on Skype, but text only. We almost never talk on the phone and hear each others voices.

 

She knows I am going to SLAA meetings and is proud of me for working on myself and was amazed I told my sis in law the whole story(was looking for advice too)....

 

I am working on myself now, cut all my passt ties, accounts, whatnot and gave her all my passwords and screennames for any sites or messengers that I use.

 

Is there anything I can do? It is like I lost a little part of my soul. I know I screwed up badly and I was too dumb too realize it until I lost it all and my eyes finally opened that I was the one with the issued.

 

Any advice from someone who has been there would be greatly appreciated....................

 

thanks

[V6TransAM]

Anyone?

 

Ladies who have been here before?

[birdie]

why do you think you needed to talk to other women? is this because of the distance between you and your girlfriend? is that because you can't have as close a relationship with her as you would like?

[V6TransAM]

It started once or twice before i moved for school.

 

The climate in houston has been murder on me for sinuses and I have spent a lot more time than usual down here sick. Had a root canal too after never having a cavity in my life. Now they think I have pneumonia.

 

Its been a really crappy experience for me down here from health wise to being lonely. I miss my friends and famly, her the most of all.

 

It was during one of the bad times where I was sick that I made a FriendFinder account and she found it. I dont have a good excuse for it. I was sick and feeling lonely and bad about myself. I never wanted to hurt her. I was too stupid to realize the pain I was causing to someone who was so good to me.

 

We did fight sometimes and I never truly felt I could let my shields down and be 100% open about everything in my life with her. She treated me fantastically, just some things would set her off.

 

I know I messed up bad, whats worse is we were engaged the last time around. About a mth before I went home for summer break. This became to much, everything was fine for awhile afterwards. Couple weeks before I went home she said she couldnt do this and it was hard. We had a rocky time while I was home and things kept deteriorating. We broke up once I was back at school.

 

We still talk, well type on skype, but thats about all.

 

Is there anything I can do? I am working on myself and seeing the light of what I did. I have been contributing to a couple relationship sites now and reading books on infidelity and the internet and also attending SLAA meetings. It is very hard for me to deal with all of this, I have a very hard time talking about it at SLAA or to any of my family......

 

I know I ruined the trust in something very special and am working hard to fix my issues, I dont want to lose her.

[V6TransAM]

Anyone else care to share information?

[Capricciosa]

I would say keep working on yourself, and let her heal. Because I was in her position, and it gutted me. I have also been on the other side when I was much younger, and really, once you've broken trust to that degree, it's hard to get it back. Keep going to meetings, let her initiate contact if she wants--what's been broken will take a long time to fix, if it is at all fixable. Amends is far down in the list of steps. You have a lot of work to do before you can attempt to be part of her life again.

[V6TransAM]

Thanks Capri.

 

I truly feel horrible about what happened and wished I had realized it sooner.

 

I am working on myself but I still find it so damn hard to talk about with people. I cant keep myself from breaking down and just have to stop talking.

 

I know it will take time, I wish it wasnt so but I'm forced with the hand I created and dealt myself.

[V6TransAM]

As always looking for input and constructive comments ;)

[Ssheena]

Hi,

 

You have gotten a lot of input. You have posted a lot (I looked). Personally, I don't know what to say. You are working on yourself. Good. Examining and learning about yourself and why you do the things you do is not a 12 hour fix. It's going to take a long time.

There is nothing more you could be doing right now. There's nothing more to say.

 

It's like you set yourself up to confirm to yourself that you are a "bad person". If you have that belief about yourself and that somehow you are not worthy of love and a trusting relationship you will continue mess them up. Accept responsibiltity for your behavior - which you are doing. There are consequences to "bad behavior" and you have to pay them. Sometimes people do not get another chance with the person they have hurt. I'm going to use what I know about Michael Vick as an example. Here is this hugely talented kid, they started noticing him in middle school? high school? He was pampered and catered to and never told, don't do that or this is right, this is wrong. Went to college, big man on campus, everyone adored him. Meanwhile, he has this dog fighting thing - participating in the killing of dogs, raising them to fight and kill. Now he has gotten caught. Now he realizes, uh.. I have lost something really important to me and F*d up big time. Now he is going to lose his job in the NFL, go to prison. etc. THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO NOW. He has to pay the consequences and in the time he is doing, learn about himself and change and if he is lucky, really, really lucky, he may get another change but not immediately. You may get another change but not immediately. Don't expect one and don't ask for one. It like a kid who takes cookies from the cookie jar..or lies. I'm sorry, I won't do it again. What happens? They do it again. Again with the apologies. Again given another chance. AGAIN caught. This time, the door is shut. No more chances until you prove yourself. Not in a week, not in a month, but longer.

 

Have you had other relationships? How have they ended?

[V6TransAM]

Thats just it..........

 

Other relationships have ended badly as well.

 

lol Since winter formal my senior yr or high school, I dont have a friendship with anyone I've ever dated............ I never bothered to think of any of it until all of this hit the fan and I realized all or part was at least due to me. Cant think of one that ended nicely either cept for a couple that werent long enough to really matter.

 

L and I are still talking, but today I learned she is "seeing" someone her words are "kind of are" and "kind of arent" dating, whatever the hell that means. It makes me mad, not at her but at myself. I told her, her heart and her mind are her own and if thats the decision she wants to make, she has to make it for herself I cant change that.

 

I straight up ****ed up bad and I admit it, nor do I hide it. I know deep down inside Im not a bad person. I am driven and rarely fail in anything I desire to do, except my relationships apparently. I've never been to a point in my life where I literally kick the **** out of myself for what I have done. I mean I almost feel better finding out she is/isnt dating someone.

 

If she didnt care about me why would she send me message on skype 2 minutes later asking if i was mad at her? Why does it matter, she's not with me a proclaims to not want to be?

 

Im just venting, I need someon to talk to.

[Ssheena]

Hey, I really think you are at a important place. This is really giving you a chance to examine your life and your past behavior and make changes for the better. Sometimes people never really look at themselves and question things and you are and are determined to learn how and why you have done the things you did in the past.

 

I'm sure she still cares about you and she may not be doing you any favors by continuing to chat with you.

 

I still recommend putting yourself first and really working on yourself.

 

Did you tell her you weren't mad at her but that you are mad at yourself? Don't be afraid to tell her what is going on for you. It's a good thing. It's opening yourself up and maybe something you haven't ever done before. Let someone see that you are feeling vunerable.

[birdie]

Ssheena has touched on this as well: I'm getting the impression that you are not good at letting people in and maybe you should tell her that. Maybe you should explain that you get really lonely sometimes and look for a 'quick and easy fix' like those chats on the internet.

[V6TransAM]

Thanks Ssheena and birdie.

 

I do have issues truly letting people in my life, I always need to keep something guarded. Course when things dont work out prior, it gives u more reason to always keep some type of shield up. Few people know I do have emotions, very close friends and lover only. I will admit they are hard for me to actually talk about on an intimate level. It doesnt help when u feel like u cant talk without being judged, that kind of pushes me back to the next paragraph.

 

Me jumping on the net and screwing around is when I felt like the noose got tightened or when I got blamed for something trivial or that I didnt do.

 

I do my damndest to not get angry at her for anything curently. I told her it wasnt her, I said I was mad at myself for how I acted and I was blind and it took me a long time to see it.