9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[Hero2Zero]

Hi everyone, I need advice. My previous thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127899/ has the history. Today I am dealing with a different issue.

 

It's a long post, but in short, she seemed really sad to me during dinner one night. So I asked her what was wrong. She said that she wasn't happy anymore, that she loves me but she's not in love with me. I offered her a break and some space for her to think. She took it, I don't eve know how we got to that point, neither one planned on taking a break that evening, but we got there somehow. My girlfriend of 7 years, I was her world at one point. She's now 25 going 26, and she wants to figure out if this is what she wants for the rest of her life. She has other stressors in her life and she finds disappointment in the things that she wants to do with her life that she hasn't done. I think...

 

So, fast forward 9 weeks later. We have had very light contact, some good and some bad IM conversations. The last conversation we had was over a nice dinner. I kept it light and pleasant and we both left happy and agreed that it was nice to just have a pleasant evening. I suggested limited contact and she agreed that IM wasn't helping either one of us.

 

She wanted to figure out if this is the life she wants if nothing changed for the rest of her life, but I told her that things do change and people do move forward. I don't know if that even means anything to her at this point. I was going to pop the question on the trip to Hawaii that we planned earlier in the year. But because of this break, we ended up going to hawaii and it was difficult for me.

 

It seems that she is not bothered at all or cares much about what happens in my life at this point. She is doing the no contact pretty good. She doesn't even ask how I'm doing. I however, do ask her once in a while how she's doing and how her work/home life is. She however dodges heavy conversations, it seems to me.

 

Now, I've read a book suggested by some people on this Forum called "Stop your divorce". In the book, the author says that I should "Attack their support, Act Happy, Act as if Everything is Perfect, Date others, Enjoy Hobbies, Work and Friends, Always Agree with them, Stop Needing and Fake Indifference, Stop Calling, Stop saying I love you, Stop asking questions about how they feel now and how they feel about me, Stop criticizing and complaining, stop showing jealousy, stop trying to control, Use a soothing voice, scare them and let them know they can lose you, show sympathy, do not defend myself and she will do it for me, stop trying to talk it out or reason with her, take all the blame for anything that's gone wrong. Whew.

 

What do you guys think, I do want to win her back and I realize that I don't NEED her, but I would prefer that she came back and wants to be with me. I'm thinking about asking her to meet up with me in a week and talk over dinner again. Let her know that it's perfectly ok that she wants to figure things out and accept the blame for anything she's not happy about, and that whatever she decides is ok with me, as long as it's what she wants. Not to play a mind game, but to take the pressure away.

 

The other part that is difficult for me is the see other people part. My GF did say that I can do anything and everything, though she did say we're not broken up, so I don't know if it's right for me to do that. At this point, I'm looking to stop doing the things that haven't worked and try to do something different.

 

I am really confused about what I should do, please help.

[Hero2Zero]

Just to clarify, I do not want to see other people at this point. 2 months after a 7 year relationship, just doesn't feel right to do it right now. I don't even want anyone else right now. I only mention the seeing other people part because the author mentions that it is something that has to be done.

[Hero2Zero]

Just to add, I don't really know what she's doing or what she's really thinking. She says there isn't anyone else. She just wanted make sure she's not passing up anything, she wanted new friends, she wanted to see if her life can be more. But that's really up to her, not me. She's always so busy and doesn't have time for anything, so she doesn't really try to do anything new when we were together. Now that we're on a break, she mostly stays home with her parents and has dinner with them. She goes out sometimes with her one friend, who is a girl that we both went to school with. So, it doesn't seem like she's seeking out what she thinks is missing, she's just staying home and not doing anything too much that she didn't do before. Which brings me to the point of I can try to make her happy and do new things, but ultimately she has to want to do it herself.

[Hero2Zero]

Does anyone have input?

[Scorpio13c]

Hi Hero,

Sorry you are going through this, i can only suggest you give her the space she wants & do not talk with her or have any contact. See how much she misses you when she hasn't heard from you in a month, if she doesn't, you have your answer.

Take it easy

 

Scorp

[Hero2Zero]

Hi Scorpio,

Thanks for the response. I use IM at work and she usually starts the conversation. I don't think I should just ignore that, right? The last time I saw her and spoke with her was 2 weeks ago, and I suggested limited contact. I am so tempted to speak to her face to face to say my peace, then proceed with no contact. Is that wise or should I just have no contact now. I basically want to give her food for thought regarding the situation, pretty much just agree with her and tell her that it's ok that she wants to think about what she wants, also to let her know that I would prefer that she comes back, but it's not a NEED. What do you guys think?

[Ormolu611]

Hi Scorpio,

Thanks for the response. I use IM at work and she usually starts the conversation. I don't think I should just ignore that, right? The last time I saw her and spoke with her was 2 weeks ago, and I suggested limited contact. I am so tempted to speak to her face to face to say my peace, then proceed with no contact. Is that wise or should I just have no contact now. I basically want to give her food for thought regarding the situation, pretty much just agree with her and tell her that it's ok that she wants to think about what she wants, also to let her know that I would prefer that she comes back, but it's not a NEED. What do you guys think?

 

I think that she probably already knows that you would like for her to come back. I think that the appropriate thing to do at this point would be to simply drop off of the planet as far as she is concerned - without announcing that this is what you are doing. Think about it, but she has essentially told you that she has doubts as to whether you are what she wants. She feels that there is a real possibility that she can do better than you - in her mind. I know this hurts because I am experiencing the same thing - which is why I am on this forum. 7 years is a long time indeed. My relationship lasted nearly 10 years and ended over 6 months ago and sometimes I feel as though I am still reeling.

 

Do not convey the idea that you will be waiting around for her while she tries to do some soul searching and tries to decide whether she can make it without you or not. Do not afford her that comfort, that support. You are too valuable for that.

 

Your silence will speak volumes and you will have respect from her whether she decides to come back or not. Based on my experience, you probably cannot even fathom her not coming back at this point. Its hard, I know. I hope this helps and I am not saying that this is going to be easy. I sincerely wish there was an easy way out of this for you . . . and me and everyone else on here for that matter. Good luck.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks Ormolu611, I have thought about doing that on so many occasions, and I want to do it. I just don't want to come out as uncaring and cold during this time, she's having a hard time, personally, I wasn't sure if my support is needed, wanted or should even be there. However, I do love her and want to be there, if she will have me.

 

I can drop off the face of the earth, but I do want to meet her one time and just say some things to her, hear her out and let her know that I understand that she needs to do this and that it's perfectly ok. Is it within reason for me to do that? Then I can back off. And does this mean no IM/casual conversation at all, or just don't talk about us and don't ask to meet?

[Scorpio13c]

Hi Hero,

See this quote she made?

"She said that she wasn't happy anymore, that she loves me but she's not in love with me."

I know you two were together 7 years, that is a lot of time these days & a lot of investing emotionally on your part.

But the above quote says it all man. If you don't let her go now(And that means no contact, e-mail, Iming, etc. NOTHING) you won't stand a chance of her reconsidering her love for you, she'll eventually completely get rid of you.

It's your only chance Hero & it's going to hurt, but you have to do it, in my opinion, otherwise you are going to sit in "Limbo" for who knows how long.

You can have one last talk with her if you feel you need to, but let me warn you to prepare for the worst, i mean really prepare for not hearing what you want from her.

Then be nice, thank her & say goodbye, nothing else. Don't let her know there will be no more contact, just do it!

I'm here for you man, so are a lot of other people, so try not to sweat it too much. You'll just giving her the medicine she is asking for, which does not include ANY kind of emotional support from you. See how she likes it.

 

All my best for you Hero!

 

Scorp

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks Scorp and the whole loveshack gang. I want to meet up with her once, and just cut off the contact. This way, I can say my piece and maybe plant little seeds while she thinks. She made it clear that she doesn't want to break up, but just wants a break, more like getting suspended from a job but not really getting fired after the suspension. She is very keen to say that "if" word, if we get back together, or if we don't get back together, then she adds "I'm not saying that's my decision, just what if". She got upset last time I stopped answering her IMs... should I continue to ignore if she gets upset again? or should I reply and let her know that I need to step back more than I have? I am hoping that she will have me back, but I'm preparing for the worse, I don't now if it'll hurt less, but I'm opening up to the possibility, I just hope for the best and prepare for the worse. Hopefully things turn out for the better, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks again.

[Hero2Zero]

Just adding, she said that she doesn't want to get back together right away, because she doesn't want to get back and not want to be there because she hasn't sorted herself out. So she wants to wait some time. I just feel that there is a good amount of "regaining trust and re-establishing connection" to be had if we got back together. It's almost close to a reboot and start over for me. I wouldn't be confident in her enough to continue my thought of popping the question right now, but it doesn't mean I love her any less than I did before, I really don't hold any of this against her, but I have to rediscover some things for myself all over again. Am I wrong to think this?

[Hero2Zero]

Sigh, I just keep adding to this. My sister is getting married on Oct. 20th, and we're part of the wedding party. Does that mean anything or stand in the way of anything? Does that change things? I was told that a hard date deadline for a decision was a bad idea, does that still hold?

[Curious139]

 

Now, I've read a book suggested by some people on this Forum called "Stop your divorce". In the book, the author says that I should "Attack their support, Act Happy, Act as if Everything is Perfect, Date others, Enjoy Hobbies, Work and Friends, Always Agree with them, Stop Needing and Fake Indifference, Stop Calling, Stop saying I love you, Stop asking questions about how they feel now and how they feel about me, Stop criticizing and complaining, stop showing jealousy, stop trying to control, Use a soothing voice, scare them and let them know they can lose you, show sympathy, do not defend myself and she will do it for me, stop trying to talk it out or reason with her, take all the blame for anything that's gone wrong. Whew.

 

.

 

I feel for you and agree with the others that NC has to be the way to go. I haven't read the book you mention but the ideas mentioned ring true. Wish I'd known a couple of months ago but I guess we are all learning........

[Ormolu611]

Hi Hero,

See this quote she made?

"She said that she wasn't happy anymore, that she loves me but she's not in love with me."

I know you two were together 7 years, that is a lot of time these days & a lot of investing emotionally on your part.

But the above quote says it all man. If you don't let her go now(And that means no contact, e-mail, Iming, etc. NOTHING) you won't stand a chance of her reconsidering her love for you, she'll eventually completely get rid of you.

It's your only chance Hero & it's going to hurt, but you have to do it, in my opinion, otherwise you are going to sit in "Limbo" for who knows how long.

You can have one last talk with her if you feel you need to, but let me warn you to prepare for the worst, i mean really prepare for not hearing what you want from her.

Then be nice, thank her & say goodbye, nothing else. Don't let her know there will be no more contact, just do it!

I'm here for you man, so are a lot of other people, so try not to sweat it too much. You'll just giving her the medicine she is asking for, which does not include ANY kind of emotional support from you. See how she likes it.

 

All my best for you Hero!

 

Scorp

 

Alright Hero, the above advice is really very good. It is really all that you can hope for. Be prepared for her to confim that she wants some space of that she is "confused." If she says anything like this, it is imperative that you give her what she asks for. It is a way of respecting her and most importantly respecting yourself. If she is confused about the two of you, she needs to see what life is like without you, and I mean without you. You are no longer available for emotional or any other type of support. This will make things crystal clear for her. She will be able to see if life is better with or without you and regardless of what her conclusion is, the result is that it will benefit both of you.

 

Think about it. If she decides that she is better off with you, things may very well work out for you two. If she decides against you, then that is good for you as well . . . because her inevitable departure would only be delayed. Go meet someone who whole heartedly wants to be with you! isn't that what we all deserve?

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks, I agree with that. I would like to add however that I am not doing this out of spite or to get back at her. As she may view it that way, is there anyway to clarify this to her without hurting her feelings and maybe jeopardizing any chances?

[Hero2Zero]

She hasn't been going out at all, very seldom and with only the same friend, who is this girl we went to school with, at different times. She met her in high school and I met her in college. No, she's not turning lesbian . Does the fact that she mostly stays home and not really go anywhere mean she's really giving me some thought and I have a slightly better than 50% chance? I do know that she's really confused about what she wants in life (move out, buy a house, find a better job, where she's going with her career, and of course, me). I just happen to be part of the stressors, but I'm sure it's not all about just me. I just know that I let her down.

[sedgwick]

The advice others have already given is best: walk away. She knows how you feel. You don't owe her anything. Go to the wedding without her, stop answering her messages, just don't say ANYTHING to her. If you want any chance at all of getting her back, or at the very least just for your own dignity, WALK AWAY. Leave her wondering. Give her a chance to miss you. She can't do that if you're talking to her all the time. If you want to tell her how you feel, write her a letter and then burn it. Seriously, it's REALLY therapeutic!

[niceguy27]

If she really loves you like you say, just be completely honest with her. Tell her the truth. Say that you understand she needs to take a little space. Tell her you want to also. That way you both get a little time to clear your heads a bit. Like a couple weeks. Just let her contact you or send a txt once in a blue moon seeing whats up.

 

My dad always told me to sleep on a big decision. Same here. Instead of deciding to take space right away or take a "do or die" approach, Just stretch it out a bit. Start small, clear your heads, then make a decision to take a long term break. Good luck.!

[Hero2Zero]

I agree on taking a real break like we were supposed to 2 months ago, all this talking hasn't really helped so far. I'm just wondering if I should meet up with her once to clear the air and make intentions known. I'm getting answers from different camps, but my gut is telling me that I should at least talk to her and clarify, so she doesn't start to get the wrong idea or make up her own conclusions about what I think, since lack of communication led to this, and I don't want it to happen again, but the question is..... is it the right thing to do?

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks Sedgwick, I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her. I can't go to the wedding without her, she is going to show up because we're in the wedding party/entourage. That's what makes it kind of hard, I was hoping to go no contact until then, and maybe make that a time to ask her if she has a decision. But I don't think it's going to happen that way, since she is on her own time clock on this.

[niceguy27]

Meeting up with her to sit and talk would be a good idea. If you feel that in your gut, then do it. I think that if two people really do care for each other, the decision should be well thought out before anything happens. So meet with her, take it slow, and agree to meet back up in a little bit to see where things stand. Good luck! I am in the same boat right now.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks niceguy, since the first break 9 weeks ago, she hasn't really opened up and told me much, the last 3 weeks have been a little different. She started talking a bit, and meeting up with me didn't seem like such an endeavor anymore. She told me what made her sad, I accepted and I apologized, but I didn't want to force her into trying just because I now know what happened. It might be the need to know that makes me want to talk about it and do something, but whatever we're doing hasn't been working towards getting an answer for the past 9 months. I just figured I'd stop doing what doesn't work and try something different. I understand that we work on different clocks, but it just seems like my situation hasn't changed in 9 weeks. What do you think? Am I just being frustrated/impatient with her? She really doesn't want to have an answer forced out of her.

[Hero2Zero]

Here's what's messing with me also, she puts up pictures of me that we took when we were taking a break. Pictures of just me at our friend's wedding, pictures of us in the same event, pictures from the trip to hawaii with the both of us in the same frame. What am I supposed to think about this?

[niceguy27]

My ex and I have been split for almost a month now. We still keep in contact through text a little bit. She has yet to update her myspace and facebook. Our stuff is still up on there. I dont think she is ready to let go completely. Same with your girl. She is still holding on a little bit.

 

Well, I would slowly start to do NC then. If you have talked a couple times about it, and she still wont give you a straight answer, then dont freak out. Just calm down a bit and think about yourself. I try to get a little angry if I test the waters with her by subtley letting her know that I still think about her and miss her and based on that response I go from there. If she seems a little withdrawn when its brought up, then she is still on the fence. Best not to push her.

 

Also, keep in mind (just my .02) that if she really was done with you and DIDNT care, I dont think she would still be in touch with you. It sounds like she is making a whole hearted effort to "figure things out". Just hang in there and try to make her contact you as hard as it may be.

[Hero2Zero]

She actually posted the photos on flickr when we got back from Hawaii, and the other events we attended together, while we were on a break. Does that mean anything?

 

I am about to ask her to meet and talk a little bit, to see if she has an answer or is close to getting one. Then I am planning on telling her that it's ok and I understand that she needs to do this for herself, but I think it is best if we had no contact and make it an actual period of taking a break, though not broken up, as she wanted. What do you think? Of course I will let her know that it's not that I don't care, I just think that it'll clear our heads. Maybe give her back some of her things and a little something I bought for her but was not able to give to her. I don't want her to feel bad or think that I'm giving up, just that I need to do this for me, since she is taking a break for her. How does all that sound? Or is asking for NC on our next meeting a bad idea?