Author Hero2Zero Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 This weekend went ok, I did not see her or call her. The weird thing is that she doesn't really think to call me during the weekends. But she contacts me on AIM during the week, maybe because I'm on and I'm just someone to talk to. On the weekends, I'm out of sight out of mind. I wonder I do not cross her mind at all and she may not call me to initiate contact. What do you think? I wish that I could get inside her head for once. I'm always confused and second guessing her and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 I think the same thing. Does she think about me at all? I think with women (or just some types of people) it really is an out of sight out of mind mentality. I talked to my ex yesterday ( I know, I cant go more than 4-5 days without talking to her) and I told her I didnt want to kick her out of my life completely. She reiterated the fact that its going to be hard to be "just friends" and we both agreed that everytime we see each other, those sparks are going to be there. So when we SEE each other, things seem ok, then when we are apart, it could be a LONG time before she would make any contact. And this is where her confusion is coming into play...She told me yesterday that I am confusing her. Telling her I need time to stay away a while, then a week later I am asking her if she would like to go for a walk, dinner, etc. I then told her that if we do keep in touch here and there, we can still maintain that connection between us and that I am not going to give up without a little fight. Basically said I am over the relationship part of us (white lie of course) but I will stand by her through this and still stay close friends. Bottom line is this in my opinion. Women know exactly what they are doing most of the time. Our two ladies KNOW that we are the best there is for them in their life. But for some f**** up reason, they need to PROVE it to themselves that we are. My girl is going out on dates with guys completely opposite of her character. Why? Because they are EASY. She is in complete control and does everything on her own time. She is so drained mentally and physically with school/work that going out with guys like that dont take much effort at all. And I know that deep down that is not what she wants but RIGHT NOW in her life, that is all the effort she can put forward. I can tell ya that Im almost 100% sure you cross her mind. It may take her longer to contact you instead of vice versa only because you are the dumpee. By her keeping in touch with you through AIM, I am thinking shes doing that to "hold on" to you while she does this. Not in a bad, "stringing you along" way but sub consciously she doesnt want to let go. Otherwise she wouldnt contact you at all. So I guess thats a good thing. Its her own way of not forcing herself to make a decision right now as she is probably not prepared to do so. By keeping things light when you do talk (tell her how busy youve been) your still maintaining some contact, but at the same time your not pushing her into making a decision and letting her do all this on her own. I am slowly realizing that stuff like this takes a long time to pan out. That is why most people dont reconcile. They only wait for a couple months or so and then force the other to make a decision. We just have to stay strong if were gonna be in for the long haul. My ex still has yet to initiate contact with me. I always break down 4-6 days in and send a stupid text or call her for something stupid. Today I blocked her number from my phone. Im sick and tired of staying up worrying about if/when she will call. Checking my phone everytime someone calls hoping its her. So now if she wants to contact me, she can leave me a message. But as hard as all this is, I know deep down that I want to be with her more than anyone else in this world. We met in such a random way and hit it off instantly that I believe we met for a reason. I am established and know what I want from life and realize that she is the one for me. Its a long long road but in the end if we come through this, our relationship will be a lot stronger because of this time apart for her to settle with herself. Link to post Share on other sites
justfine Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Hero and Nice guy... I've read enough of your posts in this thread to understand your situations and they are quite similar. The truth is that once your SO has decided that she needs her space and time to sort things out, things are pretty much over. I know it's a difficult thing to hear, but, believe me, it's true. Before she made the decision to leave, she had been thinking about it for a very long time. Truth is that most relationships don't last forever; they just run their course. I believe that most women are unrealistic about relationships. They often expect them to mirror fairy tale romances. Fact is that as time goes on, all relationships lose that honeymoon period where all is fresh and new. This is what has happened to your relationships. It's nobody's fault; this is just how many relationships end. If I were you, I would do the NC thing, no contact whatsoever. Don' respond to IMs, texts, etc. If your girlfriend gets mad, good. Let her wonder if you've moved on. It makes you much less attractive if she takes you for granted. What both of your GFs are doing right now is shopping. They're seeing if they can do better. And the fact is that whoever they meet now, has a huge advantage over you. They are new. Guys, just move on. Forget about them. Pretend they moved out of the country, whatever works best for you. Should they want to reconcile, let them put out real effort and you guys play hard to get. Most times, if you take them back right away, they leave soon after. Be happy you're not married and getting a divorce. Look forward to your next serious relationship, and be that special someone's new man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 That's a tough cookie to swallow. It's hard, and I'm trying NC, but I keep getting contacted, with random stuff, nothing serious. I don't know what she's thinking right now, and I don't know what to think. But I feel like when I try to do something, it's the wrong thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 I really don't want to send the wrong message and end things badly. We agreed on a break in the most amicable way and there was genuine sadness. She stated that it's not because she wants to see someone else, but because she needs to see if this is what she wants for the rest of her life. She also lets life dish things out and she won't say anything, and I don't want it to end like that because I stop talking to her and she thinks I'm mad at her. If she doesn't contact me because she's too passive, it'll just be left at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 I don't think she is stringing me along, but rather I believe that she really is sorting her life out. I believe that there is a future for us. I don't NEED to have it, but I would prefer that over anything else. I'm trying to do NC, not to play games, but to clear my head, and maybe we'll both come out of this ok. Am I wrong to think that? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 I cant end things badly because there is no reason to too. If it ended amicably, yes its going to be just as hard as if it was a fight or something but what is hard to accept is the fact that the RIGHT thing to do is just to give it time. Thats the hardest thing to get a grasp on. And thats why its so hard to deal with this. Yes you want to keep in your life a little. But how much is too much? She needs to be on her own so you have to let her be on her own. I beat myself up almost every day about it. Now, I finally got to the point that she EXACTLY how I feel and its 100% up to her now to do things. Like call or initiate contact. When shes out there in the real world by herself (your girl too Hero) AFTER shes been in such a loving and supporting relationship, she will see just how special our relationship was. I keep telling myself that over and over again to reinforce the fact that I have to let her do this. No matter how much it hurts me, if I want any chance of getting back together, I have to let her do this and just kind of keep busy with my life until then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Thanks niceguy, she always initiates the AIM message, everyday. They're random facts, news or funny stuff. Do I just ignore it? Or tell her that's funny, but I'm a bit busy? I don't want to make it seem like I'm cold or blowing her off, as that is not good for either of us. I want to make it known that I still care and I'm here, and she can contact me if she's ready. I don't know if there's any progress or not at all. When we first started, she didn't want to meet/go to anything with me, except for the 2 times I asked her to talk, and she said she enjoyed my company. Everytime after that, there was hesitation. She didn't return any of my calls, but she would contact me on IM. But now, she seems more ok to go to dinner, or even go karaoke like we used to, without much of a fight. Unless she has something that she needs to do. I don't know if there's any progress or if she's starting to come around. I never did full NC, and I know it's in stages. First NC, then let her contact you. Then have the casual coversation and let her lead it. Then if she wants to meet up, just be happy and let her lead the conversation. I feel that I'm sort of at this stage, but I never did NC at all, she always contacted me. Then again, I could be fooling myself and I really need to do NC. Since she hasn't really brought us up much. She could just be going out to go out, otherwise she would just be at home all the time. What am I to do? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Yes, try to seem like your "busy" when on aim. Its not being rude but getting the point across in your own way. As far as going out, maybe try "pretending" you are dating her again. That way you have no expectations when you go out. You go out, enjoy the time together, and see what happens. Dont tell her this of course. Maybe once she knows there is really no pressure, she may start to open back up again. Its a wild idea, but you never know. She may be coming around and not even knowing it. Direct confrontations sometimes dont work with people. With her, maybe this is the way to do it. From what I see, I think you have a good chance at trying this again. Youve sort of stuck by her this whole time and maybe shes starting to come around (I pray she does). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 Thanks Niceguy, I hope your situation turns out well. Somehow I am just so confused about where I stand. Maybe I'm confusing myself, or it's just reality. I just try to have fun when we go out, there's no set time for "the talk", unless she brings it up first. And though it feels like I'm doing nothing, maybe I am actually doing something. If that makes any sense at all. I'm just trying to be her happy place and show her a good time. Have some fun with no strings attached. I hope I'm doing at least 1 thing right this whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 20, 2007 Author Share Posted September 20, 2007 So, I tried not responding to AIM for the past 4 days. Today she said "hi" in the morning. I still haven't responded. So at 3:45pm today, she says "I'm getting the hint, I won't bother you anymore." We've had great rapport and contact this whole 12 weeks that we were taking a break. But it didn't seem like anything was happening. The last time I talked to her was Friday of last week, on AIM. Am I doing the wrong thing right now and being a jerk? Or am I right in doing this since I don't think the other way is making progress..? I'm really confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 20, 2007 Author Share Posted September 20, 2007 I'm so confused right now. I'm trying to be nice and not have her hate me, because that's the last thing I want. I don't want to hurt her. She seems to have been more and more ok with going out to dinner or talking than before, but it seems like I'm still where I was yesterday. Is it the right move on my part to have no contact? I know it risks any type of progress that the past 12 weeks has made, if there is any at all. Or is NC the way to go to get actual progress. The end result of what I'm trying to do is get her back. But that's something only she can decide on. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio13c Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Hey Hero, I've been reading, periodically, yours & Niceguys posts & noticed you guys are killing eachother with kindness. However, what i think you need to realize, is that you are killing yourselves emotionally by staying in contact with girls who continue to break your hearts. Let them go, no contact indefinately & see how much better you feel, even after a month, about yourselves. You'll start to regain some pride, strength & quite simply feeling like a man again. You'll be healing & feeling better & also be more objective about the way you've been strung along. Just go NC, no more being a doormat, no more hoping she'll change, no more being her puppy dog etc.. Quite frankly, at this point, being that you hope she comes back, NC is really your only hope. Good luck Man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 20, 2007 Author Share Posted September 20, 2007 Hey Scorp, Thanks for responding, I don't think she's breaking my heart because I don't feel bad when I talk to her and we can keep it light. However, I feel like I'm not getting any progress at all, and that impatient side of me says that I need to do something. Going into a little history, we didn't break up, we're just taking a break. It was an amicable conversation, and I told her that it's ok that she has to sort herself out first. We broke up not because we fought or anything like that. I just feel like I'm doing her wrong and not standing by her while she straightens out herself. Fading into nothing is not my intention because I think we have a good tomorrow ahead. I'm wondering how NC really is going to work, won't that just let us fade? She is a type to just let things happen to her and feel that she doesn't have much control to change things... I'm still confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 20, 2007 Author Share Posted September 20, 2007 She did say that our taking a break is more like just being suspended from a job, but not being fired after that suspension. Does that make any sense? And in that sense, does NC still matter? I know NC is for people who break up, but is our situation any different since we're not broken up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 20, 2007 Author Share Posted September 20, 2007 What if she thinks that I don't want to talk to her ever again and doesn't contact me anymore? I don't want that to happen. She's got that japanese mentality of not wanting to offend or trouble anyone, so if she thinks I don't want to talk to her because I'm ignoring her AIMs saying hi, she might not contact me at all... ????? Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio13c Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 When someone says they want to take a break, it's a nice way of saying "I think there is something better out there for me, you're nice, so i'll keep you on the back burner till i find HIM" Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio13c Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 What if she thinks that I don't want to talk to her ever again and doesn't contact me anymore? I don't want that to happen. She's got that japanese mentality of not wanting to offend or trouble anyone, so if she thinks I don't want to talk to her because I'm ignoring her AIMs saying hi, she might not contact me at all... ????? If I were you, i wouldn't concern myself with how she deals with it, once you do NC. I have done that in the past & it only tortures you. Having learned the hard way, I now know to only concern myself about me. She's a grown up & you're not her psychiatrist, let her deal with it on her own, after all, she DOESN'T care about your fealings, only hers. If that were not true, you wouldn't be here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 21, 2007 Author Share Posted September 21, 2007 Actually, she didn't ask for a break, I was the idiot who suggested it, and she took it... Does that change anything? The reason I feel like I'm being a bit of a jerk is that I was supposed to call her last weekend and I didn't, then this week, I just decided to not contact her. I feel like I pulled the rug from under her feet because we were talking last week and even said we should go do something and we were both cool about it, and all of a sudden, bam!, I'm not talking to her. That's why I feel like I did something wrong. She's never tried to cut me verbally or anything bad, she just said she's not ready yet. So I don't really harbor ill feelings, just a feeling of being rejected and not being let in, but I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her. And here's a curveball - We're both in my sister's wedding party in October. Not the guests, but the actual wedding party... Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpio13c Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 Actually, she didn't ask for a break, I was the idiot who suggested it, and she took it... Does that change anything? The reason I feel like I'm being a bit of a jerk is that I was supposed to call her last weekend and I didn't, then this week, I just decided to not contact her. I feel like I pulled the rug from under her feet because we were talking last week and even said we should go do something and we were both cool about it, and all of a sudden, bam!, I'm not talking to her. That's why I feel like I did something wrong. She's never tried to cut me verbally or anything bad, she just said she's not ready yet. So I don't really harbor ill feelings, just a feeling of being rejected and not being let in, but I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her. And here's a curveball - We're both in my sister's wedding party in October. Not the guests, but the actual wedding party... The way I look at it, my above statement about taking a break stands. However, if you did it to hit the big red RESET button on what was going on in your relationship, to try & change things for the better, i understand. You have to go through with "The Break" then & that means giving her a break too. Don't you agree? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 21, 2007 Author Share Posted September 21, 2007 I agree, but I get daily AIM messages. Isn't that not having a break anyway? We just do light talks, jokes and such, we don't talk about us on AIM as I've told her before that I don't like AIM for serious conversation, and she was cool with that. She can't take a break from me if she doesn't stop contacting me, right? As for the big red reset button, that's what I tried to do by not responding at all this week. But not for the time when I offered for her to take a break, I offered that so she can sort everything she needs to sort out. She didn't want my help on that. I would like to clarify that I'm the dumpee, not the dumper. But she keeps constant AIM chatter with me. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
ijustwannago Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 hi i think they are right. and it's harder to process feelings for a person or situation if it is easy to access. give yourself and her space. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 21, 2007 Author Share Posted September 21, 2007 Should I let my intentions be known or just continue not answering her AIM? I feel bad about not responding since she knows I'm there. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 I just got a little caught up here. I am on day 5 of complete NC with her. I broke it a couple times last week for stupid things. But this week I am sticking to it. My feelings have not changed at all for her but after 1 month today of officially being split, the more I realize that she wont get a chance to miss me at all if I am txt'in or calling her every few days or so. Go NC for a while. Call her or sit her down and tell her whats up. Tell her you like the times you guys spend together but its still just too hard. Make sure you get her to try understand your feelings then it wont seem like your being a jerk all of a sudden. Tell her YOU need space now. The IM and txt are making YOU confused. Good Luck and hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted September 21, 2007 Author Share Posted September 21, 2007 If I sit her down and tell her what's up, I will have reset the 7 day NC I have going so far. Is that wise? This current NC had her upset when it started. Should I sit her down, explain and start the NC under better circumstances? My friend says I should keep talking to her when she wants to talk... It's all these conflicting advice....arg. Help. Link to post Share on other sites
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