9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[niceguy27]

I dont think so. She knows how you feel about the whole thing. Thats what sucks when you put it out there like that. She now knows exactly how you feel. Its up to her now to do what she wants with those feelings. Youve gone 7 days now. Thats really good. Keep it up. If she is a little miffed about it, thats fine too. After everything youve said to her she should be a little bit understanding.

 

If you do happen to talk to her (if she calls or over IM) then just tell her whats going on. Dont play games with her though. Be straight and honest about things. Thats the best advice I can give ya.

[rockinbeyondrepair]

Does anyone have input?

 

I'd be worried about losing contact altogether in that situation...pop the question anyway and see what she says...then tell us, for the greater good my friend xxx

[Hero2Zero]

She already did send me a text via AIM. But I didn't reply, I feel guilty because I feel like I'm evading it, rather than actually being busy...

 

I feel I should get back to her.

[Spinderella]

what you are doing is, not allowing her to feel the impact of losing you.

you treating her so good at the moment only registers to her, that hey life is so much better since we took a break.

you are making her transition from being together and not being together really easy.

 

i think its good that you have allowed her to have a great time with you.

i think you will now have to say to her, right, the time has come where i need to get on with my life if we are breaking up. i understand that you need some time to think, but you must understand that i need some time to heal. we may get back in the future or we may not, but thats the risk you take when you decide to go on a break. i would love for you to want to make it work together right now, but i cannot do this to myself to stick around indefinetly. tell her not to contact you until she knows what she wants.

 

then go and do something and do not contact her. dont see other girls just yet, that only complicates things. but do other things that fill your time and give you some interest.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks for the advice spinderella. That's what I've been thinking of doing for the past couple of months. Do you think it's too late to do it now, since it's been 12 weeks, maybe she's completed that transition to not being together.

 

I will let her know that if she is in trouble or something serious, I'm there for her, but otherwise, I think that we need to clear both our heads so we can see what it is we really want. I just don't know if it's too late to start NC at 12 weeks in. She feels she deserves to be abandoned because she's not worth caring for, and that guilt has stopped me from being ok with NC. I still think she is a great person and would take her back if she decides that I am what she wants, but you're right, I can't keep doing what I'm doing for the past 12 weeks, since apparently, it's not doing anything for the situation.

[Hero2Zero]

So we were supposed to go out tonight. I told her yesterday I'd call to see how she felt tonight, see if she's too tired to go anywhere after her practice for church. She said she's going out with our mutual friend (female) for dinner, she said that I never mentioned anything about dinner. I don't buy it though, if I told someone I'd call to see if they want to go out around 5pm or 6pm, that person would HAVE TO KNOW that includes dinner plans. But aside from that, she sounded down. I asked her why, mentioned that there is no reason why our friend can't come with us to dinner, but I left it at that. I just wanted to know how she felt, why she sounded down, then she blows up at me because I asked and she said she's fine, but I asked if she's really ok. I said ok, have a good time a dinner. Then she said don't worry, I won't. What's that about?

 

Pretty much, I'm wondering why she's upset, and what I did to upset her. I think that I have more reason to be upset, she did ditch me to go to dinner with our friend, but I'm not mad, I told her it's perfectly ok.

 

So....I asked to meet up with her tomorrow, there is something I want to talk to her about. She said she's worried about what I want to talk about. But she said ok. Why would she be worried? She might be worried that I'll be trying to pressure her into an answer. But I'm not, I'm going to ask how she's doing, and I'm going to try to not bring up what happened today. If there is no progress or she doesn't have an answer after these 12 weeks, I will have to ask that we have no contact, unless it's an extreme emergency, which should would call her dad first anyway. That way we can clear our heads, and we don't have to do this over and over. I will let her know that my feelings haven't changed and I'm open to giving it a shot or starting over or calling it quits, whatever she decides, I will go with it. I will ask that we meet up at a later date, maybe a month, to see what the answer is....how does that plan sound to everyone?

[alwayshurt]

If I were you I would stood her up tomorrow. I think you've been to nice to somebody that definetely has not intention, at the moment, to go back with you. Show her that you are fine without her. She might get curious and start thinking that maybe it was stupid to let you go. At the moment she knows she has control on you and for a woman that is a turn off.

[Hero2Zero]

I don't think standing her up is the thing to do. I plan on just meeting with her, have dinner and after that, just talk to her. I'm going to be honest and let her know that I don't think we should talk to each other to clear our heads, I won't blame or point fingers or anything to inspire negative emotions. Then set a date to meet up again in about a month (?) and see what the decision is by then. I guess if she doesn't have an answer, then I know what it means... I'll tell her that if we're meant to be, it will be. I'll be ok with whatever she decides, whether it is to start over, to call it quits or to try to make things better. Is that a sound plan?

[niceguy27]

So how goes it? Have you guys met up yet? If not, just play it cool, let her do the talking, and if she brings you guys up in any way, tell her how you feel. Try not to ask her questions but instead try to just state your opinion and feelings and then don't say anything after that. Make her make the next move. Good Luck!!

[Hero2Zero]

We met up this passed Sunday. Dinner went well, it was like our happy times. I almost felt bad about what I was planning on talking to her about at the end. So dinner went extremely well, after that, we sat down somewhere private and talked. I told her how I felt, and that I wanted her to be honest with me and let it out, whatever it is, I can handle it as long as she was honest. I told her that I'm open to starting over, calling it quits or trying to pick up where we left off and work on the issues. Now here's the big surprise...

 

She says that she doesn't hate me or not love me. She says that our issues, the very few and minor that we have are not enough reason for us to not be together. (Like I told her before, we don't have any big issues or deal breakers, that's why this break came as a surprise to me.)

 

Here's the doozy, her mom is really controlling, criticizing and has OCD, and at the start of our relationship, she didn't think I was right for her daughter. Fast forward to this year, in January, she has turned up the heat big time, and my girlfriend is buckling under the stress of having to go home to that everyday. Her frustrations were then channeled to me, but she knows this, and she knows she has treated me unfairly and wonders why I still talk to her. I told her it's because I care about her sincerely and that I love her. She pretty much just threw her hands up in surrender and thought that she wouldn't have to deal with her mom if we were not together. The things she said were all things that she told me her mom thinks, which at one point I thought to myself that she's turning into her mom, but that's not her. And now I know for sure where she is coming from. I couldn't fault her for that, I felt sad for her, and I told her that if she would let me, I would get her out of there myself. But I know that it's not going to happen just like that. I told her that I know we'll be ok, if we set goals and move forward. She wanted independence, but by letting her mom psychologically beat her down and doing what her mom wants, is the exact opposite of that. I told her that her parents will always be her parents and that respect is important. But she has to know that her life should be what she wants based on her decisions. I told her that I can let anything go and let anyone say anything, but the only thing that matters to me is what she thinks.

 

So with all that said, I couldn't give her an ultimatum, instead I modified my original intention. I told her that we should make this time of taking a break a real break. She looked worried. I told her that it's not because I'm changing my mind or my feelings have changed, but just time for both of us to clear our heads. And she said ok. I told her we'll meet up in 3 weeks to see where we are and to give things some thought, with a clear head. She said ok, and looked relieved. Then I told her that I"m here, if she's in trouble, or have no one to turn to, I'm always here, but otherwise, we should not talk for the time of the break to clear our heads.

 

The night ended very well and on a good note. I thought we made a lot of progress by her opening up to me with the harsh truth for the first time. I gave her a kiss on the lips and hug after. So that's where I stand. I'm sure I'm missing something but I'll add that later. Now the question is that how do I help her get out of her situation? I'm relieved to know that she doesn't want to do any of this to me. She just doesn't know how to handle the extra high pressure from her mom, and she has OCD so she feels she can't fault her mom. And understand that this is everyday and all the time that she's home. The thing is, I don't think her mom will ever be happy with whoever she chooses if it's not the mom's choice.

 

Thoughts? Sorry for the long winded post, but it was a lot of progress and I wanted to share.

[MattyTee]

Hey guys,

 

Just wanted to say that after reading through this post I was impressed with your positive attitudes (Hero and Niceguy).

 

I'm going through a similar situation although it's at a distance so actual "real" contact is impossible. I've had light contact now for a few weeks but I think for my own sense of self I need to break contact for a little bit. At the moment I am doing all the contacting (she broke things off with me) and nothing comes back from her unless as a response.

 

My letter is on another post in the "second chances" section if you felt like reading / commenting on it. It's personal but I felt so desperate for some help with whether to send it or not I put it up here (and it's long, sorry). Anyway, good luck to you both

[niceguy27]

Hero, good job for getting her to open up to you like that. You couldnt of have done that any differently. I hope now you have found a little bit of solace. The problem with her mother will probably always be there. My ex's mother is very negative and pessimistic and is always preaching to Kara. It finally drove her out of the house and after a while of being away she finally stood up to her a bit and her mother loosened up a bit on her.

 

Does your ex live on her own (cant remember)?? Either way, she has to realize on her own that her mother has to have boundries with her personal life. She is an adult and has to be able to make decisions on her own. And the best thing for you to do, is be there when/if she wants to open up about her mother. That is how I helped my ex through her ordeal with the mom.

 

Matty and Hero both, I posted a thread in the coping section about "taking control" and would probably be a good read for both of ya. For weeks I had been going back and forth trying to decide which direction to take and like Matty I have been praying like a madmen looking for guidance.

 

So, long story short, we all have been with our SO for quite a while. A month or two apart, like really apart (3 weeks for Hero cuz hes played it real good so far) will give everyone time to kind of go back to themselves. But only if they really try. And during that time, dont worry about other people. We all have better and longer lasting memories with the SO than any "new" person will. Thats why those rebounds dont last that long. And the whole time I guarantee they'll be thinking of who they left.

 

So play it cool, get a plan in order and wait at least a month before everything is revisited.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey there, thanks for the replies. I did find peace when she opened up to me, because finally, after 13 weeks, I now understand what's going on in her head. And the truth has really set me free, in this case. I'm glad to know that the break was not for her own problems with me, but with her mom. In the end, what's important to me is what she thinks. If she wants to break up with me, then let it be for her reasons, not her mom's. I told her that the only opinion that matters to me is her own and that I'm ok with any decision she makes as long as it is true to herself.

 

She did say that breaking up is not what she wants to do because we don't have any reason to. It's more the pressure at home from her mom. That's good for me, but I do feel bad for her and want to help her out.

 

She currently lives at home, that's why the pressure is so much greater. I told her that parents are human and can be wrong. They can voice their opinions but ultimately, her life decisions should be made by her. And from what she told me so far, she's has a decision, she's just afraid to make it...

[Solifluction]

Hey guys, I'm currently going through a mirror-image situation.

 

She left to "explore herself".. I dunno, she gives me 101 mixed messages and all i know is i'd give anything to be with her because up until 1 month ago, we were great.

 

You're advice to eachother has really helped me out. I'm gonna try and play it cool and maintain my distance. Hoping, possibly against hope, that she'll realize what we had was good and wonderful and most of all real.

 

Either way. It'll mean something more to me when i figure this out. All i know right now is that if i have a chance, a glimmer of hope of being with someone that special then i'm going to take it.

 

I'm just going to have to let things work themselves out. For now anyways.

 

 

Thanks guys.

[Hero2Zero]

Hi Solifluction, sorry you're going through this. Just remember that there is nothing for you to do at this point. Just let her know your true feelings once, that is enough. Then give her the space she needs. From that point just work on bettering yourself and give both of you the time to clear your heads. Hang in there and good luck.

[niceguy27]

Thats what it boils down to. Once you open up and tell her how you feel, the only thing you can do is give her a little time. Shes not gonna forget about you or try to forget you. A little time to clear her head and then when the fog lifts, you have to be able to appear how you were when you first met her.

 

Good luck and just play it kind of cool.

[Solifluction]

Hey guys..

 

Funny thing. She calls a couple of times on wednesday last and then just shows up.

We sit in the car for 2 hrs. she cries and begs me to come back.. i'm wary.. i don't want to get hurt again obviously.. but i want her back more than i want to keep breathing... so i say lets take it slow.. and she sobs and agrees..

 

so flash forward to friday night.. "i had a bad day.. i missed you... i think i made a mistake and I'm not sure i want to get back together right now."

 

So it feels like i got dumped twice.

 

Yay me!

 

8 years.. 2 years engaged.. everything was stellar really until just recently.. she became sexually attracted to other guys and she feels like being single would be fun.

 

So i'll give her time and space and pray that a) she doesn't get hurt. b) that somehow she finds herself and realizes that albeit i may not be the only one who'll ever love her.. but nobody will love her like i do.

[niceguy27]

Good. And after a little time passes, hopefully you had that time to work on yourself. If/when you approach her again, slowly start to see her again (if thats what you want still) and do not bring anything up about the past. Start fresh and see if things are re-kindled.

[Solifluction]

Well...

 

She calls last night and wants to just talk.. so i keep it light and play it cool. I feel as though i'm doing pretty good for myself so I keep it up.. Stickin' to my guns so to speak.

 

So i tell her there is some stuff that i want to get from her place that i could use.. and she gets immediately dejected and starts in with the "Fine, yea whatever" talk.. then tells me I have an attitude with her.

 

Finally I say a cheque that got delivered to her place needed to make its way to me. And since she was going out could she drop it off along with some clothes i forgot that i could really use.

 

So She does and when we meet up she tells me it's hard to see me and not be with me... I'm thinking, "this is your choice you loon"... but of course i'd never say anything like that out loud. So i simply say, "Yea, so how're you doing"..

She complains about the crap going on in her life and lets me in on the fact that she misses me, yet again, still isn't over me and so on and so forth.

 

Anyway I tell her that I can't just come back to her place and get back into being "with" her if you know what i mean.. I say if you're looking for space and time and want me to be okay and get over it and move on then I can't do this, as much as I would love to.

 

She then tells me "I don't want you to get over me.. I don't want to get over you.. I want to start from scratch".. I dunno, i'm overwhelmed again.. She holds me and starts crying again and asks me if I feel it, y'know. And of course i do because i'm not the one who needed the break.. she's always gonna be in my heart.. but if i buy into this again and in 2 days she tells me AGAIN that she's still confused I won't be able to take it. I can't go through this again... So again i play it cool.

 

Well truth be told I'm not made of stone and everything we ever did together was always really wonderful and hot and it always felt right to be with her. So after a while I caved..

 

Now before i left this morning she assured me that she still felt the same way as last night, and without any kind of prompting from me she said she loves me..

 

But thats the thing.. I've got my own preconcieved notions as to why we're going through this.. and either shes weak and needs me around so she can move on with life by slowly weening herself off of me, or the opposite..

 

But it's obvious that I just can't do the NC thing with her because I just love the sound of her voice... I can stay away from her for short bursts but everytime she calls me it's like she really wants me.

 

I'm praying now that I didn't just set myself up to get my heart stomped on because if that was the case I can't not blame her because then i'm going to probably end up hating her.. and i don't want that... but i don't see how it could be any other way because if she could string me along like this twice then obviously she's just some totally-bad-for-me devil woman...

 

But whaddya gonna do.. i'm just a fool in love

[niceguy27]

Go slow then. Dont talk about the past just yet. Hang out a bit, dont over do it and see what happens in a few weeks. If your going to give her another opportunity, take it slow.

[Hero2Zero]

I agree with Niceguy, take it slow. You don't have to go NC, you can have limited contact. Be warned though, she may end up wanting a break if she feels she has you anytime, she won't value your company...

 

Now, about my situation, it's been a week of true NC, we're supposed to meet up in 2 weeks, and this first week has been weird. Neither of us broke NC but I think she is stronger than me. She's done a good job of not initiating AIM contact like I asked her. I guess I'll just have to hang tight and see what happens. It's just hard when everyday I see her name on AIM, I just want to ask how she's doing. Ah well, patience is a virtue...

[niceguy27]

Any updates on you guys?

[Hero2Zero]

Well, going on 2 weeks of NC and still on it. Now I am thinking about when we meet up again next saturday and talk... What do I talk about? I really don't know what to say at this point. I think it's a big step that when last we talked, she opened up and told me that her situation started with her mom. How she has been under so much pressure from her mom since January. She told me that whatever was not perfect with us are very minor and not reason enough for us to not be together. She just doesn't know how to deal with her mom, and what that would result in while she is at home, if she chooses me. She really wants to move out to get away.

 

With all that said, I don't know what to say or ask when we do talk again. Any thoughts on how I should handle that day when it comes?

[Hero2Zero]

How's your situation going, Niceguy? Any update?

[niceguy27]

I have no idea at what is going on. I can tell she is trying hard to prove something to herself. Making it a point to put on some big face for people and doing everything opposite of what she normally does. Its weird to see her like that. She is trying to hold things back from herself. I think she has it in her head that we have to have some big high pressure relationship and that there is no in between. I dont know how to tell or show her otherwise. She still has all our pics up on her site and still wears my ring so its obvious she still cares about me. Plus, read about what happened when she came over below. And this guy I thought she was involved with...I dont think its as serious as I made it out to be.

 

here is the latest on what had been going on: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131379/

 

Other than that, I am as lost as ever. I still cant accept that she wants things over with. I am keeping up hope that since there was no real reason we split I just need to cool off and keep low.

 

As for you, if you do meet her just try your hardest to keep the conversation about her. Listen to what she says and act real interested. Let her talk about herself and if she asks about you guys just shrug it off and change the subject. You have to have fun this next time you meet her. Try not to set another date when you leave. Just wait a few days then call her and plan another one later on. Baby steps.