9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks niceguy. I am going towards being more direct and getting an answer. After 4 months, I think I can ask the direct question of do you want me to be out of your life. What do you think? My sister's wedding is in 2 weeks, in which we will both be in. Lots of pictures, memories and people will be there. I do want that day to reflect what is real, in pictures, conversation, etc. I think I am well within the realm of fair for wanting that. I don't have another few weeks before the wedding to spare, so I have to get to the bottom of this and be prepared for an answer, whether it's the one I want or don't want. I'm just not sure if that is the best thing to do. What do you think?

 

As for your situation, I think she is struggling to put on a new identity. You should let her do what she thinks she wants. In the end, that's what's she's going to need... a point of comparison, she can't decide if this "new" life she is making is what she wants if she never gets the chance to make it. I think you should stop looking at her websites, myspace, etc. You don't have any answers right now and you will only read too much into nothing hoping to find one. You'll run circles around the point, but you'll never get your answer.

[niceguy27]

I think I need to keep hearing that. She is doing everything against the grain so to speak. To me, looking for answers in all the wrong places. I want to tell her this and that I know what she is trying to do but in the end I think you are right. She just has to give this a try.

 

She is coming back over tomorrow to finish getting her stuff out. I had to fight with her tooth and nail to get it finished. I finally just came out and told her I am done doing everything on "her" time. I have done it long enough I said. Now its time to do it on my time.

 

If you are starting to get a little fed up with her still being on the fence that is a good sign. That means you are starting to "move on" a little bit. By now she knows how you feel and if you think that the best thing for both of you is for you to completely back off then yes you should tell her. They will never know what they have/had until its gone gone gone. I am coming to that realization one day at a time also.

[Hero2Zero]

I'm not so much getting fed up, but I think that I am starting to realize that I can't do this to myself forever or indefinitely. In standing up for myself, I need to let her know that I have given fair time, and that she should decide on us based on her decision, not her mom's, because in the end, she's the one that's going to be with me, not her mom.

 

Our cases are so similar, and I think it's not a matter of not caring, moving on or anything like that, but rather realizing that we have equal share of "rights", that the relationship decisions/indecisions involves another person. It doesn't change how I feel about her, or what I'm willing to go through for her, but I just have to know for myself, since I set a soft deadline in my head, which is my sister's wedding next week saturday. I guess subconsciously, I'm sticking to it. I think going on 4 months is plenty of time to have made up her mind. I believe I've been fair. I just need to ask her if she wants to be with me or wants me out of her life, based on her own decision, outside that of her mom's.

 

As for you, Niceguy, I think it's great that you are realizing that no one else in this situation will stand up for you, but yourself. It will go a long way in regaining your self respect in both her eyes and yours. Let her know how you feel, and that you still want her back, if it was up to you. But let her make her decision and let her live with it. Just ask grown up and direct questions this time, like "Do you want me out of your life" or "Do you want to be with me". Just be ready to accept whatever her answer is, as long as it is her answer and that is what will make her happy. I think that's the best we can do at this point. Let her make that decision, and live that decision. Besides, break ups don't always mean forever, maybe in this case, she just needs to see what she is missing. But don't hope for her return, rather, prepare to get on with your life, and if she decides to be part of it, it's just the cherry on top. From that point on, work on yourself as there is much that needs to be regained for yourself, after something like this.

 

Can I get an Amen? What do you think? I'm about to send her an email about us meeting up on saturday like we agreed on 3 weeks ago, 3 weeks NC, I did it. I will tell her that I'm looking forward and I'm glad to see her again. Something short, simple and non NC breaker, at least till we meet on saturday. I'm just going to email to reserve that time slot on saturday night, so that plans will not be made before then.

[Hero2Zero]

When she comes over to pick up her things, just be genuinely happy to see her, and take it easy. Play it cool and ask very direct questions when you talk about your relationship, questions that require only a yes or no answer. In this stage, being direct is needed, in my opinion. You should do what your gut tells you, but remember to approach it in a non-confrontation manner. Sometimes it's easy to let the pent up emotions skew the conversation which will end up with her as the enemy. Just remember to talk to her as you normally would if you were still in a relationship with her and be courteous, gentle and responsive, yet firm and direct at the same time. No animosity, is all I'm saying, it's really easy to fall into that trap when your emotions take the wheel and drive. Good luck!

[niceguy27]

Oh yes brother. That was well said. I wrote her a letter explaining what you just said. I havent dropped it in the mail yet and not sure if I still will. But I will ask her point blank tomorrow about it. Whatever she says I will be good with it. We have been apart long enough to be able to think a little clearer now so I am hoping for a straight answer from her. Same with you. 4 months is a while to be sitting on the fence. Especially since things have not really progressed in that time.

 

No problem at all with sending her that email. You made it the 3 weeks. Still keep it light and cordial. It will help build excitement too about you two meeting up that day.

[niceguy27]

Ok. Here is a LONG letter that I want to mail her. I am not sure if I should give it to her in person when I see her or talk to her about it then mail it or what? Tomorrow will be the last time she comes over to get her stuff. It will be the last connection between us left to break so I figure all or nothing right? Plus, you know my situation well enough to look at it objectively and give me sound advice on it.

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Let me ask you something? Do you still smile when you think about

me? Do you feel comfortable and at ease when you think back to us? Do you ever compare me with others when you’re out? Do you think back to all the good times we had together? Do you wish that things could just be back to normal without the pressures? I sure do. And I bet anything that you do too. Why do we still think that? Because you and I shared something that most people will never have. If we’re mad, we are mad. If we’re stressed out, we don’t have to put on some stupid fake smile for each other. We were able to just be ourselves. Completely and wholly be ourselves. We got along great and we made each other into better people. We made a great team you and me. Do you remember that letter I wrote a few months back? It talked about the ways you made me smile. If you read that letter again and switch it around, I can almost guarantee that you still feel the exact same way. Your feelings may be hidden but they are not gone.

 

 

This past month has been quite the roller coaster for both of us. There are a few things that I have had time to think about the last month or so that I should of said before. Having this time has allowed me to look at it in a new perspective. So here is the BIG LETTER that you have probably been wondering about whether or not was going to come.

 

 

The first thing is if you don’t care so much about me, then why do you keep running away from your feelings? I know that you have all this stuff on your plate right now but I can also see that you are torn as to what the hell you should do. One part of you wants to open up and come back but the other part is fighting to do just the opposite. Do you think I don’t know this? I know you will probably never admit this **** but I can tell. I keep thinking “What is she trying to prove here? Why is she testing herself like this?” You shouldn’t have to prove anything to anyone, ever. You are ambitious, beautiful, passionate, goal driven, and smart as hell. You are getting by and doing things on your own. So I am confused as to why you what you need to prove? I can see that is what you are doing. And it is hard on you. You have to put on this fake smile and front for everyone to see that you are doing ok. I know you well enough to know that you are just boiling inside and want to explode. All the crap you have to take from roommates, friends, school, and everybody else. All you want to do is focus on school and get through it. But now you have to deal with all the stupid drama of shallow people. You don’t really have a release for that stuff anymore and you’ve withdrawn inside yourself being angry and stressed all the time. Think about all this crap that you have to deal with and not being able to just be yourself. To not be able to come home and just flip on the t.v. and study in peace or to have a nice quiet place where it’s just you and your own thoughts. So I understand how you feel right now.

 

 

Secondly, I am confused about the way you look at this whole thing. I know you think that if you give in just a little bit, things will come rushing back to what they were. All the pressures and commitments of a relationship come flooding back. Do you really think that I don’t know that’s how you look at it? And would you really think I would expect that or try to have that back if we started talking again? I’m not blind. I know you better than that! I know that you are purposely trying to hold yourself back from your feelings. You have built this up so big that you think it has to be all or nothing with you and me. And that if it doesn’t live up to that, you feel that you are letting yourself or me down. Like you are afraid that if it’s too good to be true, something must be wrong so I just need to end it now. Nobody can predict what the future holds. To run and cut things off will not solve anything. You are still going to be torn on what to do with what you feel. I know you are trying to avoid me and everything about us by shutting off like that. You may have “checked out” a while before we broke up because you assumed that there was nothing else to be done so it was just easier than trying to face up to the situation. That still doesn’t hide how you really feel.

 

 

So why run from these feelings you have? Those are real. You don’t have to be so scared of them. I know you are hiding them from yourself. You are putting too much pressure on yourself to be different and “by yourself.” I see it when I look or talk to you. I can tell in the tone of your voice. I don’t know any other way than to just tell you so I am just going to say it. Drop the covering up how you feel and quit being so scared of what tomorrow brings. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the B.S. that you end up freaking yourself out. I can’t stress this enough. I know you Kara and I understand that you are at your breaking point. Nobody knows you like I do. You are doing everything against the grain and that is why you are so stressed and unsure of what to do. It is going against everything you are. Having time to yourself lately should show you what this world is really like. If you looked at it through that perspective, things would be a whole lot easier. Why not just enjoy today and not be so concerned about tomorrow?

Something else that I have learned is that I know I don’t “need” you in my life like I maybe came off as before. Not in a bad sense but a good one. It’s not healthy to “need” someone to make you happy. Being apart from you has made me see that I may not need you but I want you and I want to be part of your life. I want to share and enjoy the closeness that we had. I love having you as a part of my life. We just “fit” together so well. The only thing that went wrong was that we both relied too much on each other when we were together. More of me than you. I didn’t take the time I needed to with my friends and myself. I revolved too much around you and lost my some of myself by doing that. I needed time to get back to myself to where I was when we first met. Back to making decisions based on what I want and not what others want me to do. That is when I saw what I had been doing and how I had been acting recently.

 

 

****, this is the main reason for writing you this. I have to apologize for being so focused on “us” the last few months of our relationship. I lost sight of some things and that made me push you and act like the way I did. I am sorry for that. After having this time apart I look back now and all I think is, “Jesus! What a putz I was being!” I fought and **** about the stupidest things. It was because I had tried so hard to please everyone that I had some hidden anger about it and took it out on you. Remember how much fun you and I had together? Hanging out, partying, going to new places, and experiencing the world together. We had fun no matter where we were. I lost sight of that because I worried so much about making you happy that I forgot to make myself happy in the meantime. That made me focus all the more on you and I forgot to just have fun when we were together. There is no other way to really tell you this. I can see now with a lot clearer head that it was me pushing you away. Instead of cutting loose, having fun, and just enjoying things, everything was oh so serious all the time for me. It’s all hindsight now but I can see where things had started to go wrong. When you were starting your summer you just wanted to have fun and enjoy it. I understand that I put all this pressure on you and on us that you just couldn’t take it anymore. That is why I think you pulled away and I forgot to just have fun. That is where I lost you. And for that I am sorry.

So what is so wrong with trying again? Maybe not trying in a relationship sense but trying to get back in touch with each other. You still continue to do what you want. I still continue to do what I want. We won’t have to deal with all the BS that comes along with trying to please everyone all the time and not being able to be ourselves. I know you keep telling yourself that you’re not sure. Or you met someone else. Or you want to be single. Whatever the case may be we know now what to do and what not to do. We’ve had time apart from each other to clear our heads a little bit. Making it into some big, drawn out, heavily invested relationship again is the wrong thing to do. You know me better than that. And you know us better than that. There is a middle ground that can be found with you and me. You are worried that if you start to talk or hang out with me that I am going to want to go full force back into us. In no time flat, you think there will be this big, heavy investment of a relationship to worry about. And that is not what you want right now in your life. I know you are focused on school. But you also cannot forget about what YOU want too. Please yourself before you please others! Remember that advice. Remember the security and the feeling of knowing you had someone to lean on and talk to when you were stressed. Someone you could vent to and also someone who could make you forget all the bad things and put a smile on your face with a thoughtful text or a surprise gift or dinner. My point is quit thinking that it has to be 100% all the time with us or 0%.

 

 

I’ve given time to both you and me. I have given this A LOT of thought. This is something that I needed to say. I don’t know how else to get it across to you. We never really sat and talked for more than a few minutes about us. Never any real reason was given. If nothing comes from it then fine. These were some things that needed to be said that didn’t get said when we had talked a while ago. Why? I think I was too blinded to be able to admit that what I was doing was not right and I wasn’t being the person you fell in love with before. I tried to “fix” whatever was broken and couldn’t see the other reasons why things fell apart. Only after this time apart have I been able to look back and realize this. These are just some unfinished feelings that you need to hear from me.

 

 

You know how you feel about me. The sense of knowing that you are yourself completely when you are around me. No faking, no fronts, not lying to yourself. Remember the passion? The knowledge that you could open yourself up completely to me in every way? You also know how I feel about you. Nobody else can tell you otherwise. No amount of talking or persuading can change your mind. I know this. You have to follow what you feel is the right thing to do. So be honest to yourself and follow what you feel. If it means going our separate ways then so be it. If it means not speaking and just moving on, then that is how it has to be. I needed you to hear this from me. I just never had a chance to tell you this stuff before.

 

 

I’m not expecting a phone call or anything from this. If things change then nothing has to be said. There will be no discussions about the past or what will happen in the future. No labels, no expectations, nothing. We just enjoy the moment. Have fun and take things like we did when we first met. There will be no direct talks or opening up of feelings (as I know you have a hard time with that). You have to remember that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There are compromises. We can both have the best of both worlds. This time around though, we know exactly what path to take to get us there. We know what went wrong. We have some time to look at this a little different than before. Don’t turn away from this. Trust what you think is right and I will honor whatever comes from it.

 

 

I have given you some breathing room and I hope you have had time to see whether or not you want to see where things go. Whether or not that includes me at all in your life is up to you. I have given everything I can to work with you on this and you know exactly how I feel and where I stand on things.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey niceguy, I think it would be best if you give her the letter, hand written, and sealed, but learn it enough to tell her all that face to face. That way, she can take the letter with her and gloss over it later should she want to do that. As for the letter itself, I think that you should start it at the part where you say:

 

"****, this is the main reason for writing you this. I have to apologize for being so focused on “us” the last few months of our relationship. I lost sight of some things and that made me push you and act like the way I did. I am sorry for that. After having this time apart I look back now and all I think is, “Jesus! What a putz I was being!” I fought and **** about the stupidest things..."

 

You can lose the whole beginning because it sounds like you are trying to antagonize her, telling her that she is wrong about what she thinks. She is wrong to think that, you know better and she should just come back. That goes against your whole second half of the letter and what you've been trying to understand this whole time you're on break.

 

Remember that you have to let her do what she wants, so rather than tell her that she is wrong to think that and come off as a know it all regarding her feelings, just let her know how you feel, what you can offer and leave the decision to her. Tell her that you can't promise her the world, but you can tell her that she will never have to wonder if you still love her, she will never have to worry about being alone, putting on a front, etc, whatever "perks" you can give her.

 

Don't preach to her and tell her that you know exactly what she is thinking, that will only antagonize her and push her away, and your night will start off on the wrong foot. Just tell her how you honestly feel, what you can give her, if she chooses you and tell her that you just want her to choose what will make her happy, because that's what you want for her.

 

It's really easy to sound stand off-ish because you have all these unresolved emotions right now. Remember, "YOU ARE HAPPY TO SEE HER, SHE IS A WONDERFUL PERSON WORTH YOUR RESPECT, COURTESY and LOVE." Regardless of how she feels, you should talk to her as if she is the only girl in the world for you and you're asking her to marry you. You wouldn't point fingers and tell her what to think in that situation, right? Remember to put your best foot forward, speak to her like your equal and whatever will be will be. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

Hope that helps.

[Hero2Zero]

As for me, this is the email I just sent to her, asking to meet on saturday.

 

"

Hi _______,

 

How have you been? I hope this email finds you happy and healthy.

 

This Saturday is the saturday before my sister's wedding, it also marks the day we agreed to meet with each other again. It's been a while since we've seen each other, but you've never left my thoughts in that time, and I've never stopped wishing good things for you. Just wanted you to know that.

 

I was wondering if you would be free to have dinner with me on Saturday night? I was thinking someplace like the "Stinking Rose" or maybe "II Fornaio". Let me know if this will work out for you and we can work out the time and details later. Email me back and let me know, k? I'll talk to you soon.

 

Love,

____ "

[zebrasan]

I've read most of the posts. I think you guys need to reread everything that you've posted so far.

This sounds a bit harsh but here's a little piece info that I've learned over the years the hard way.

The statements:

"I need space"

"I need to work on myself"

"I"m not sure about us anymore"

"I don't know who I am, I need to figure it out before we get back together"

"I'm not happy"

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

"I'm confused"

"We need to take a break"

"There's too many things going on right now, I can't be in a relationship"

"Fill in blank" etc.

All these statements mean one thing "I'm no longer attracted to you but I care about you and don't want to hurt your feelings with how I really feel".

Bottom line, even from the first post, it's over guys, there isn't anything you can do. No amount of pleading, begging, waiting to see how things pan out, nice gestures, no contact, acting indifferent, long talks etc. are gonna change how these women feel about you. In fact doing any of the above is only gonna dig your hole deeper. By continually reassuring these women that it's OK to take a break, give space etc. you are essentially telling them that it's OK for them to walk all over you emotionally. Both of you are hurting, it's understandable. But giving up your personal power to these women is 1)Not Attractive, 2)Emotionally Needy and 3)Exceedingly ineffective.

The reason these women keep posting pictures of you guys, contacting etc. is because they are desperately trying to get back some attraction for you, attraction that is fading little by little as you continue to be doormats.

It's hard letting go, trust me, the only reason I know is because I've done what both you are doing, I've walked down that road. The road only ends in one place, SINGLE. The more you hold on the harder it's gonna be when it trully ends with either women being completely unattracted and annoyed by you.

Hope this wasn't to harsh.

[Hero2Zero]

Thanks for the different eye Zebrasan, when I last talked to my GF 3 weeks ago, I asked her to just be honest with me and open up. She did. It was a breakthrough for me because she never gave any details before then.

 

So she told me that it was her mom pressuring her to break up with me, but she doesn't think that we have reason to not be together. She is succumbing to the pressure of her mom being, I guess, weird. If you read my posts, I wrote this on page 6 or 7. So with that, I know how she feels about me, I just don't know how to get her to be strong and decide towards what she wants and not what her mom wants. I hope that clarifies my situation.

 

But I do agree with what you posted. In the general term, but my situation has taken a left turn somewhere down the road, I'm just not sure how to deal with this new turn.

[Hero2Zero]

I just don't understand how her mom can go to church every week and then turn on her daughter every day of the week. You don't understand her situation, it's like she lives with Cruella Deville. What's sad is that's no exaggeration. If she would let me, I would get her out of there myself.

 

She also admitted to me that the DAILY nagging and pressure from her mom caused her to be unhappy, and she admits that she unfairly projected that to me.

 

Does it make sense to you guys?

[niceguy27]

Thanks for the input. that is why I wrote that letter. I know attraction is a HUGE reason for not wanting to work on a relationship. It is something that has to be built back up to be able to get back. I want to tell her this because 1) Im covering my bases by letting it out and 2) I have kept a pretty good distance from her since we split. I only got upset in front of her once. Other than that, I have not pleaded and begged or sent any emails or had any long talks. This letter is my long talk.

 

Once it is done I will know that I really did try everything I could. And if she doesnt take it and do something with it, her loss. Just like Hero is saying now, its been 4 months and he is deserving of an answer.

 

Hero, my ex's mom is somewhat like that too. Controlling to the point of driving her daughter away. Your ex has to stand up to her and take control before ANYTHING will get resolved in her personal life. Until then, your ex will always be under her thumb in some fashion.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey niceguy, I completely agree with you that she has to take control and stand up for herself. This has happened before and the case right now is almost an exact duplicate of the time this happened 2 and a half years ago. Even down to the reasons she gave me, until finally opening up about her mom. Only this time, her mom has turned up the pressure by a great degree and the break has lasted far longer than last. I will be offering help and solutions to that as well, when next we speak. If she tells me that she wants to be with me. I think I should start some goals with her so she can find strength in herself and in us, and this won't happen a third time. That way we can both start to move forward. That is assuming she says she wants to be with me, when I talk to her this coming saturday. I don't know what else to think at this point. Any different perspective than the one I'm taking right now?

 

By the way, read my comment about your long letter, Niceguy. I hope that helps.

[niceguy27]

Thats a tough call man. Real tough. Counseling for her and her mother? Her mom will probably flip a lid on that one. Most issues with people stem from something that happened in the past which affects their current relationships. Or counseling for the ex? Tell her you will take her there and offer her any support that she may need.

 

 

I did. Here is the revised one. Let me know what you think. BTW, thanks so much for taking the time to read this again!

[niceguy27]

I feel like Im writing for school:

 

****, this is the main reason for writing you this. I have to apologize for being so focused on “us” the last few months of our relationship. I lost sight of some things and that made me push you away and act like the way I did. I am sorry for that. After having this time apart I look back now and all I think is, “Jesus! What a putz I was being!” I fought and bitched about the stupidest things. It was because I had tried so hard to please everyone for so long that I had some hidden anger about it and took it out on you and on us. Remember how much fun you and I had together? Hanging out, partying, going to new places, and experiencing the world together. We had fun no matter where we were. I lost sight of that because I worried so much about making you happy that I forgot to make myself happy in the meantime. That made me focus all the more on you and I forgot to just have fun when we were together. That made you pull further and further away. There is no other way to really tell you this. I can see now with a lot clearer head that it was me pushing you away. Instead of cutting loose, having fun, and just enjoying things, everything was oh so serious all the time for me. It’s all hindsight now but I can see where things had started to go wrong. When you were starting your summer you just wanted to have fun and enjoy it. I understand that I put all this pressure on you and on us that you just couldn’t take it anymore. Especially towards the end. I should have been there for you to be able to enjoy but instead I was too stubborn to change and see what I should have seen the whole time…You and me just enjoying life. That is why I think you pulled away and I forgot to just have fun. That is where I lost you. And for this I am sorry.

 

 

I have learned that I know I don’t “need” you in my life like I maybe came off as before. Not in a bad sense but a good one. It’s not healthy to “need” someone to make you happy. Being apart from you has made me see that I may not need you but I want you and I want to be part of your life. I forgot how nice it was to have time to myself and my friends. Instead of thinking I “need” you I see that I don’t. But I want and desire you. We just “fit” together so well. We make a great team and that is what I want. What went wrong was that we both relied too much on each other when we were together. More of me than you. I didn’t take the time I needed to with my friends and myself. I revolved too much around you and lost my some of myself by doing that. I needed time to get back to me. To where I was when we first met. Back to making decisions based on what I want and not what others want me to do. That is when I saw what I had been doing and how I had been acting recently. It is only now that I can look back and see that. Now that I have been back on my own, it is like a light bulb went off in my head and I see things in a completely different light. No longer do I think that EVERY single minute has to be spent with someone. No more sitting on the sidelines and not enjoying life. I know you did a lot on your own but I lost sight of that with myself. That is why at the end I seemed pushy and “needy” to you. The less I focused on myself, the more I pushed everything on you. With school and your schedule, it wasn’t fair of me to do that and put that pressure on you.

 

 

I can tell you things have changed quite a bit for me. I work out, I go out with my friends, and have taken up the attitude that I will do what I want and not what others want me to do. It’s a great feeling of self empowerment that I have gotten back. No more doing things just to do them. I do them if I want to and I don’t when I don’t want to them.

 

 

This past month has been quite the roller coaster for both of us. There are a few things that I have had time to think about the last month or so that I should of said before. Having this time has allowed me to look at it in a new perspective. So here is the BIG LETTER that you have probably been wondering about whether or not was going to come.

 

 

You are ambitious, beautiful, passionate, goal driven, and smart as hell. You are getting by and doing things on your own. That is why I am so happy for you. But I also worry about you too. You have to put on this fake smile and front for everyone to see that you are doing ok. I know you well enough to know that you are just boiling inside and want to explode sometimes. All the crap you have to take from roommates, friends, school, and everybody else. All you want to do is focus on school and get through it. And yet you still have to deal with all the stupid drama of shallow stupid people. You don’t really have a release for that stuff anymore and you’ve withdrawn inside yourself being angry and stressed all the time. Think about all this crap that you have to deal with and not being able to just be yourself. To not be able to come home and just flip on the t.v. and study in peace or to have a nice quiet place where it’s just you and your own thoughts. I feel for you ****. I really do. So I understand how you feel right now.

 

 

Secondly, I am confused about the way you look at this whole thing with me and you. I know you think that if you give in just a little bit, things will come rushing back to what they were. All the pressures and commitments of a relationship come flooding back. Do you really think that I don’t know that’s how you look at it? And would you really think I would expect that or try to have that back if we started talking again? I’m not blind. I know you better than that! You have built this up so big that you think it has to be all or nothing with you and me. I just can tell you enough that it won’t be like this. I am afraid that this is what you think. And that if it doesn’t live up to that, you feel that you are letting yourself or me down. Like you are afraid that if it’s too good to be true, something must be wrong, so you just need to end it now. Nobody can predict what the future holds. To run and cut things off will not solve anything. You are still going to be torn on what to do with how you feel. I feel as though you are trying to avoid me and everything about us by shutting off like this. You may have “checked out” a while before we broke up because you assumed that there was nothing else to be done so it was just easier than trying to face up to the situation. But that is where you are wrong! I know you **** and I understand that you are at your breaking point with just about everyone and everything. Nobody knows this better than me. I really think that this time apart has been good. Having time to yourself lately should show you what this world is really like. If you looked at it through this perspective, things would be a whole lot easier.

 

 

I know I can’t promise you the world. Nobody can. Life is full of uncertainty and unknowns. Things could end tomorrow just like that. It’s scary to think that we have no control over our lives. But the only thing I am sure of is do know what I can give you. I can give you honesty, compassion, friendship, and so much more ****. I can give you all the perks of having your independence AND the perks of having a close, loving relationship with someone that fits so well with you on so many different levels. You will never have to wonder whether about my trust or love. That is a promise. When things are this messed up and chaotic with life right now, knowing you have me to turn to should give you comfort and a sense of well being. You know that above everything else I will be still be there for you to come to when you have had such a bad day. That is priceless. You will never have to put on a front and be someone you are not with me. You can just be yourself. You. ****. No trying to please everyone while your needs get left behind like it has been lately for you. Everyone wants something from you right now: attention, your time, your computer (haha) and so many other demanding things that you just flat out can’t give right now. I have no demands from you. None whatsoever. I know who you are and how you relate to things. There is no second guessing or uncertainty. Being apart from each other should reinforce what I am saying. I have learned what it is that I think you really want. No deadlines, no pressures, no doing things you really just don’t feel like doing. I know you are invested heavily with school and can’t afford to lessen your concentration one bit. I am not asking you to change anything. I would never ask you to put school off or lessen your concentration on it. I simply want to tell you what I CAN give you.

 

 

I want you to be happy ****. I really do. You deserve it more than anyone else. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are now. I will respect whatever decision you make regarding us. I can’t let it go without showing you that I understand now. Completely and wholly understand. I don’t see anyone else but you when I look at you. I know you completely and that is why I love you. I love **** for who she is, not who she is trying to be.

 

 

I want you to trust how you feel about me. The sense of knowing that you are yourself completely when you are around me. No faking, no fronts, not lying to yourself. Remember the passion? The knowledge that you can open yourself up completely to me in every way? That is why you have to trust me when I am telling you these things. You know how I feel about you. Nobody else can tell you otherwise. No amount of talking or persuading can change your mind. I know this. You have to follow what you feel is the right thing to do. If it means going our separate ways then so be it. If it means not speaking and just moving on, then that is how it has to be. I needed you to hear this from me. I just never had a chance to tell you this stuff before we took this break. Like I said, I was too focused on the wrong things to be able to realize this.

 

 

I’ve given time to both you and me. I have given this A LOT of thought. This is something that I needed to say. I don’t know how else to get it across to you. We never really sat and talked for more than a few minutes about us. Never any real reason was given. If nothing comes from it then fine. These were some things that needed to be said that didn’t get said when we had talked a while ago. Why? I was too blinded to be able to admit that what I was doing was not right and I wasn’t being the person you fell in love with before. I tried to “fix” whatever was broken and couldn’t see the other reasons why things fell apart. Only after this time apart have I been able to look back and realize this. These are unfinished feelings that you need to hear from me.

 

 

So what is so wrong with trying again? Maybe not trying in a relationship sense but trying to get back in touch with each other. You still continue to do what you want. I still continue to do what I want. We won’t have to deal with all the bull**** that comes along with trying to please everyone all the time and not being able to be ourselves. I know you keep telling yourself that you’re not sure. Or you met someone else. Or you want to be single. Whatever the case may be we know now what to do and what not to do. We’ve had time apart from each other to clear our heads a little bit. Making it into some big, drawn out, heavily invested relationship again is the wrong thing to do. You know me better than that. And you know us better than that. There is a middle ground that can be found with you and me. I think that if you start to talk or hang out with me that I am going to want to go full force back into us. In no time flat, you think there will be this big, heavy investment of a relationship to worry about. And I can see that is not what you want right now in your life right now. I know you are focused on school. Please yourself before you please others! Remember that advice. Remember the security and the feeling of knowing you had someone to lean on and talk to when you were stressed. Someone you could vent to and also someone who could make you forget all the bad things and put a smile on your face with a thoughtful text or a surprise gift or dinner. My point is quit thinking that it has to be 100% all the time with us or 0%. We can find something from all this. We owe it ourselves to do that. I owe it to you to show you what I am capable of. We can find that “spark” again. We will do new things, hang out in new places, and meet new people. Imagine if we took things nice and slow. Remember how exciting it was back then? Anticipation, the fluttering, getting nervous, and having the time of our life? That is what I want again. Starting over without ever really starting over.

 

I’m not expecting a phone call or anything from this. I am telling you EXACTLY what I have left to tell. Being apart has shown me to be honest with myself first and only then will I be able to be honest with others. If nothing changes then oh well. I know I gave all I could and there is nothing left for me to do but leave. If things do change then nothing else has to be said. Things will naturally pick back up. There will be no discussions about the past or what will happen in the future. No labels, no expectations, no pressures, nothing. We just enjoy the moment. Have fun and take things like we did when we first met. There will be no direct talks or opening up of feelings (as I know you have a hard time with that). You have to remember that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. There are compromises. We can both have the best of both worlds. This time around though, we know exactly what path to take to get us there. We know what went wrong. We have had time to look at this a little different than before. Don’t turn away from this. Trust what you think is right and I will honor whatever comes from it.

 

 

I have given you some breathing room and I hope you have had time to see whether or not you want to see where things go. Whether or not that includes me at all in your life is up to you. I have given everything I can to work with you on this and you know exactly how I feel and where I stand on things. Until then I can now go my separate way. I will respect whatever your decision is.

[niceguy27]

ABout your email...It was just fine. Again just try to have a good time with her. let things take their own course. You have plenty of time between now and then to think about what you want to do. Remember, dont let your emotions make the decisions!

[Hero2Zero]

Hey niceguy, this letter is much much better. That was a good part about everyone wanting something of hers, her attention, her time and her computer. Heh. Good touch to lighten up the mood. I think rather than tell her what you can give her, tell her that in a way like what you offer her. Remember that she can say no to all those things or not think that is what you give her. So give it as an offer, rather than telling her. I don't know if that makes sense. The last thing that I can suggest is, since this is a letter, you should try to eliminate all the use of expletives, even if she is used to talking like that. It'll soften your tone which will do wonders when trying to convince her of something. You'll want to eliminate the **** and replace them with something else. It'll go a long way. In the last part, you should remove "Until then I can now go my separate way." So you leave the door open and the ball on her court. It doesn't mean you won't move on, it just means that you want whatever will make her the happiest and you respect her decision.

 

The best delivery is through direct conversation, so touch on these but don't repeeat them word for word. If conversation is an option, but still do give her the letter.

Feel free to edit and post. Good luck.

 

P.S. I meant counseling or help for her, not her mother. Her mother has OCD and that is beyond my capabilities. But my gf is suffering because of that, I have spent the last 7 years building up her confidence and self esteem, and now she is doing much better than she did before, I am going to continue to build her up, if given the chance.

[niceguy27]

thanks again for reading that. i cleaned it up a bit and took out the reasons why i think she should be with me. i switched it up to show what i can offer her like ou said.

 

i am nervous as hell about bringing this up to her in person. she will be here to get the rest of her stuff. after that there will be nothing left here for her. do i just grab her hand and look right at her and spill it? or insteaf just ask her a few direct questions and mail the letter the next day or so?

[Hero2Zero]

Definitely find time to talk to her while she's there. You don't have to grab her hand though, that might scare her....heh.

 

You'll do ok, just let her know that this is a crossroad for the both of you. Be nice to her and be direct. You can hand her the letter before she leaves. There is no replacement for the direct eye to eye conversation.

[qwertyu]

hero2zero: have you met her yet? what happened? do update us!

 

anw i read through most of the thread and im in somewhat a similar situation altho mines a real break. sigh this might not sound pleasing (sometimes i refuse to believe what i say too) but i kinda did what you did alr. 2 weeks aft we broke up, i met my ex for dinner & all was well. i planned a romantic surprise for him at this playgrnd & re-created a scene he did for me when he was chasing me, plus read out a letter on my thoughts of the r/p. i guess in a way, i hope i could win him back but i knew chances were slim & even aft everything, i didnt ask if we cld patch but if he ever felt ready, would he consider us again?

 

the thing is, he had tears in his eyes & he even cried quite a bit. DESPITE THAT, things didnt change & he still concluded that he doesnt think hes mature enough to handle a serious r/p & not in the near future (probably only 1.5 yrs later when hes done w the army)so what im trying to say here is, the decision LIES WITH THEM. i think even if any of us were to get back w them, it'd be them telling us they want to patch & not us getting a response by asking. when they feel theyre ready, they will come back. BUT we dont know for sure if they'd ever come back. i myself am still hoping but i think i'd give myself a deadline & you guys probably shld too. im sure you realise we are pretty powerless?aft that date w him, i have been on full NC for 2 days. my deadline for this NC is at the end of this week & i hope he will contact me towards the end. but if he doesnt, i might start a whole new NC period again. like slowly? week by week? and maybe break it on his bday, cos im planning to have dinner w him on that day. which is 26 oct, abt 2-3 weeks frm now?

 

i know it cant go on like that tho. and i know exactly how you guys feel. complete NC makes you afraid that she'd eventually forget abt you & how you were part of her life. but dont u think trying to be friends w her is just torturing yourself? it is for me at least. before i met him on sat, i NC-ed for a wk & felt like things were getting better, but when i broke it on thur to confirm if we were still mtg, i found myself thinking of him a lot. seeing him on sat made it worse cos i cldnt sleep that night & frm sun-mon, i thought abt him ALL THE TIME.

 

if you realise you cant deal w this emotionally anymore then i might suggest NC to let yourself heal. its freaking hard, im sure all of you know. im still doubting my own ability to do it for long.

 

p.s. unrelated, if only my ex thinks like the both of you, haha! sigh..

[niceguy27]

I agree that after you have put yourself out on a limb like that you have no other choice but to go NC with them. Once you have had some time apart and then have a discussion about things, you make a lot clearer decisions. After that it is up to the other person to decide what to do with what you have told them. I know that after tonight I will not be in contact with her for a long time. Not until I have healed enough.

 

I thought about doing the friends thing and I probably could push it if I wanted to but its not fair to me to be only to get a little bit of her. Hero and I have been dealing with this for a while now (him longer than I) and now that they know how we feel all we can do is move on and hope for the best.

[qwertyu]

dont mean to ride here but when can i talk abt us again or try to ask him if we can get back tgt again?

 

i subtlely asked last sat & am planning to do so again on his bday 2-3 wks frm now cos ive been doing a scrapebook for him & plan to give it to him on his bday & ask again at the same time. do you think its too quick tho? for the 2-3 wks, i plan to be on strict NC.

 

i just cant decide when i shld give up. i feel like maybe if i ask now we might still have a chance cos we just broke up not too long ago. but im afraid it'd irritate him? cos then i wld have asked twice in this mth alr! however, if i ask another time (which i think will be a few mths later), im afraid all feelings will have faded by then & he'd come to accept it as it is.

[niceguy27]

Do the 2-3 weeks NC. I have learned that every time I get to the point of going NC it gets a little easier the next time. The time after that is even easier. The feelings wont fade by then. What will happen is that you both will be able to look at things with a little clearer head the longer you let things be.

 

I would try not to so much ask to get back together. make it a statement. You will be able to make a lot better decision if you dont talk to him for a couple weeks and will have a better understanding of why it broke down in the first place.

 

I came to that realization just recently that it was MY fault for pushing her away. Not hers. I was too needy towards the end and only now do I see that. And this kind of started back in July. After being apart and trying to find myself again I look back and see that I wasnt the same person she fell in love with. So time does help you to make better decisions. Good luck!

[qwertyu]

i havent talked a lot to him for quite awhile since we broke up alr. during the 1st week, i texted him a few times but its usually 5-7 msges per day & regarding normal stuff like "hows your day" etc. spoke to him a few times on e phone but hes only free to talk aft 10 & we usually only talk for like 5 or so.

 

2nd week, i NC-ed strictly for 4 days but broke it on thur to ask him abt our date on sat. since then, i have been NC-ing & planning to do so till his bday.

 

i totally feel what you felt & ive realised the mistakes etc quite a lot about the r/p alr & ive told him the prev sat when i met him. he merely listened but concluded by saying i still have a special place in his heart, no girls can have the same effect on him as i had on him etc etc but ultimately, he thinks hes not mature enough for a serious r/p right now or in his time in army. so i really have no clue whether we still have a chance or not?

 

have you given up alr? but if i dont ask if we can patch, instead say smth like "i hope you'd re-consider our r/p when you feel ready" dont you think you'd be like "ok so when is he gna be ready? when is he gna reconsider? how long shld u wait?" so i feel like its now or never. ask for e last time & never ask again. but i dont know if im over-doing it! cos it seems the last time it was quite clear that he wants to be single for awhile (but he didnt say we had no chance, so what am i to do?!)

[niceguy27]

My ex hasnt made it clear to me whether or not she wants me in her life. We dont talk or communicate since the split. Here and there for things about her stuff or particular fav. shows of ours that are one but nothing solid. She wont give me a definate answer. I always get "Im torn and dont know."

 

That is why I am laying it out tonight. Once I get a final anser from her I know whether to move on or not. I will secretly wait for her but I will get on with things and tuck her away.

 

If he has already told you a definite answer a couple times the best thing for you to do would be to let him go. Go NC for at least a month. You have done what you can for now. Leave the door open but keep yourself busy. When next month comes you will know more of what and where you want to go.