Author Hero2Zero Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Hi Niceguy and QWERTY, I think our situations are similar, but unique to each one of us. I think the thing that we all can do is just let them know how we feel, and then give them the space and time to make up their mind. Set a soft deadline to yourself only, and try to work on yourself. "Working on the relationship" will only serve to push them away as it tells them that what you want is more important than what they want. Just agree with them when they talk about the relationship, and do not defend yourself. Sounds lame, but it's true. Let them know how you feel, but only once or twice. They know it already, they may just not care so much if they're self absorbed at the time. Let nature play its course. They will eventually come to and have a decision. During that time you just have to accept it and respect their wishes. Remember, to give them the space, NC is for you to heal. Use this space to work on yourself, prepare youself to move on. Go out with friends, live life, pick up a new hobby. Do something you've always wanted to do. Use this freedom, because you might not have it later. Don't do anything stupid though, generally just stuff to better yourself, so that they come back to a confident and better person than they left. If they don't, then you've done something good for yourself. If they decide to come back, then it's just a bonus to you. You can't force these things. But you have to be ready to move on. I set my soft deadline to be my sister's wedding on Oct. 20th. So we're supposed to meet up this saturday after going NC for a while. It's been 3 and a half months since I offered her a break if she needed to, I think I've been patient and fair enough during this time. I just have to lay down my feelings, and what I can offer her. Try to let her see the "me" that is standing in front of her, waiting, try to let her know that she has power over her own life and the decisions that are made are hers to make, not her mother's. Let her know that we are now at a crossroad in our lives and ask if she wants to continue to have me in her life or if she wants to stop having me as a part of her life. If she loves me and if she herself, not her mom, has reason enough to not want to be with me. Ask the direct and hard questions, and just be ready for the answers. I will respect her decisions as long as they are hers and that is what she will be happiest with. Through the years we've been together, I've watcher her grown and blossom into a talented, beautiful and and wonderful woman. I really love her, and want what will make her the happiest for her, whether that includes me or not. That's all I can do for now. Wish me luck this weekend... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Hey qwerty, I would like to add that you have to remember that people work on different clocks, what seems like an eternity to you may seem just like a week to him. Especially since you're the one that was dumped, things will stretch on forever for you, every day will seem like a week. To him, a day will still seem like 24 hours. Be patient, don't think about your relationship, go find something to keep you busy, go make yourself better and more confident, not for him, but for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 About an hour left before I go home and wait for her to come over to get her stuff. I pretty much know exactly what I am going to say to her too. I am nervous but real anxious at the same time. I know that once I let her know this I will have given it my all. I see things differently and look forward to telling her my feelings. If it doesnt work I will have no guilt about forgetting to say something. I have had this past month to reflect and see exactly it is that I want to say. Once this is done every physical connection to us will be cut. She will have to face the fact that EVERY thing gone and there is nothing there for her at my place. I am hoping that by taking this safety net away she will finally be able to get a clear head to see what she really wants. God help me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Good luck to you, Nice guy. I am second guessing my decision, whether sticking to my soft deadline and trying to get an answer this weekend is best...I guess I just have too much time to doubt myself right now. I do feel it is in her best interest to let it sit longer, and it is in my interest to want to find out. Question is, do I let her have what I think she needs, or do I try to get what I want? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 well i just got off the phone with her...and she is real sick so no chance of her coming over tonight. wheni heard her voice and how she sounded my heart dropped. she was worried i was going to be mad at her. i explained its not her per say but all the memories i have to see every day with her stuff. she understands and is planning on coming over thursday night. i was so pumped and ready to see and talk to her tonight that i even offered for her to come over for some chicken noodle soup and a tivo of her favorite shows. she declined as she was alrady in bed but sounded appreciative of the offer. surprised even that i asked her. probably reading into it but i stayed strong and didnt bring anything up about what i wanted to discuss...which was hard as hell! i will feel so much bettr once i can say this to her. hero. dont second guess anything. you should of had plenty of time to be able to make this decision with a clear head. so stick to what youre gut tells you and you will be fine. men have gut instincts for a reason and i always try to follow mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 Thanks niceguy, the problem is that my gut instinct is telling me that I should give her more time, because I want what is best for her, not for me... Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyu Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 niceguy: aww, i know how you feel! as in being disappointed. ohwell, cheer up! im sure youd get to see her soon when shes feeling better & i hope things work out for you as well! hero: i agree w what you say abt how a wk seems forever to me. haha! but i dont know how i can go on "waiting" secretly in my heart since the last time he told me he is not planning to get into any serious r/p for 1.5 years! which is crazy long. i asked one of my friends & she told me to ask him again on his bday whether we can just maybe try out for one mth? as in try out the "new" me & if things dont work out, then move on. but do u think its too soon? his bday is on 26 oct. i mean honestly i dont mind waiting for a few mths but im just afraid that giving him more space & alone time will rly eliminate all chances of us getting back tgt again. 26 oct however will only mark one mth of our break up. is it too sooon? im kinda scared to ask again, i dont wna irritate him! :/ Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 When we are on the receiving end like this a day seems like a month, a minute like an hour. If thats what your gut is telling you Hero and you can handle it, then give her a little more time. Set another soft date in your head and see where things stand then. Qwerty I would lay low until then and see how you feel and look at things. Having a little time apart will help your emotions settle down a bit. If you guys do start to hang out again start it off as just that. Start just hanging out. Make a little effort to call and get together with him. Do it slowly and dont push the issue with him until after you guys have had spent quite a bit of time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 qwerty - I think you should definitely hold off and wait a while longer. Right now, feelings are fresh and freshly hurt, he hasn't had much time to think. Give yourself the breather as well. Niceguy - I'm conflicted with what I want and what I think is best for her. I am willing to put her best interests before mine. I'll think some more on this and see if I'm going to push for a decision or not on Saturday. She was sick with a cold early this week, so hopefully she feels better soon, and well enough to see me on Saturday. Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyu Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 how long shld i wait roughly? shld i still keep minimal contact w him now? i havent been contacting him since i last saw him & TONIGHT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY cos Im suddenly filled w all these thoughts of him but I will control & will not contact him. sigh, this is so freaking painful. i dont even think he'd contact me cos he doesnt get to go online in e army & he's filled w activities for the whole day, is only free aft 10 & usually sleeps immediately. he only comes out during the weekend but fills his weekends w activities & book back in again on monday. i feel like theres no time for him to think of me at all while here i am almost going crazy thinking of him. i dont even know how to ask him out cos we're not tog anymore & it doesnt make sense for me to ask him out every weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Hero remember what I said a while back about looking at the big picture? If you feel you need to give her a little more time then I would advise that you do that. But when you start to feel angry or resentful then you definitely need to put it on the line. I dont think your're there yet. Oh...go check out what others are saying about that letter I wrote in the coping section. Quite a ruckus in there. Ha ha. qwerty...If you are still very emotional I would recommend not talking to him for a while. At least until you collect yourself a little bit. If you wean yourself off him a little here and there it may help but in the end you should take some time to cool off before you try for anyting different. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Well here it is. It finally came to a tee today. And over the phone no less. Oh well that must be how it had to go down. Anyway, this is pretty much what the hour long conversation was summed up: My ex called about her stuff again. She wanted her mother to come get it instead of her as she is still too busy. I told her that was fine but I would prefer to do it in person. Well I must of hinted at something because she pressed that issue about why she had to be there. After much pressing I finally caved and told her what I had been wanting to say. At the end of me telling her those couple of things (summed up of course and read from my heart and not the letter), she FINALLY opened up and expressed how she felt. She said that towards the end of our r/s she started to see me as her best friend. The "spark" was not there. She had fought for a while to figure out why, as she said I was oh so good to her and that she must be stupid for feeling like that. So for a while she fought the feeling and tried hard to see if she could get past it. She expressed that there was nothing "bad" that I did to make this happen. She just started to see me as her best friend. She still cares a lot for me but no spark there anymore. I asked her since she was confused at that time if this is what she was confused about..."Yes". I then finished it up by saying that I dont regret anything that we had done. I would always cherish the memories and everything we had done together and would never forget her. She then asked if I wanted any pictures of us and from our trips and I told her that I didnt need any pictures to remember her. All I had to do was close my eyes and the memory would be more vivid than any picture could show. She started to cry a little bit and didnt say much after that. I told her she has a lot to offer someone and I hope she finds the happiness that she is looking for. So there it is. That was our last "talk" or closure or whatever you want to call it. I am glad that I got an answer from her as to what happened. Not glad thankful. No waiting in limbo or wondering why, why, why. It was hard to hear her say those words but I know that is how she feels. I told her that I respect her decision and I will always love her to some degree. I am at work and I feel like busting out of here and breaking down... It breaks my heart to the core but I am thankful that she was honest and straight with me. There are a lot of people who never get an answer from their s/o and are always left wondering what went wrong. Well now I have the answers I looked for for so long. Oh life...What a ride Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyu Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 oh no. i fear of getting the same response frm my ex too. i think i will break down & start being depressed all over again. right now im not contacting him cos i hope to let things cool first. but gosh, it must be really hard on you & i understand exactly how you feel cos when my ex broke up w me, he said he doesnt think he love me in that way anymore & sees us more as friends. i wonder if its really true. or maybe im just in denial cos the last time when i spoke to him he cried quite a bit again & told me i will always have a special place in his heart etc just that he cant commit to a serious r/p right now or in e near future. shld i just forget everything? i dont rly feel like giving up yet since its only been a few weeks that we broke up but i feel like the chance of reversing things is very very slim & im afraid i cant take another rejection. anw, i really do feel for you. i hope time will allow you to heal & that you'd find someone else to make you happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 Hey Niceguy, I'm sorry about what happened in your situation. Know that breaking up is a part of life, but remember that it's not always the end and forever. Just move on, and if it's meant to be, your paths will cross again. I'm sorry bro. Kudos on how well you handled it when you spoke to her. Keep us updated. Qwerty, you're too early into the phase of breaking up, there's still hope. You just have to get a clear perspective first. That's why you need to distance yourself for a bit before talking it over. Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyu Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 but when? i was thinking of giving myself a few mths, say maybe talk things out again in dec christmas. but is that too long? or on our anni which is 4 nov. i know i shldnt be stating an exact time cos it shld come whenever i feel ready but i just need to know roughly when, i can only think of talking things on some occasion so at least i can sort of request a day to spend w him meanwhile im v confused as to what to do. shld i keep minimal contact w him or no contact w him at all? btw niceguy: how long has the break up been alr for it to reach its closure? hero2zero: how bout you? are things gng well for you and your ex? or youre still in NC. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132026/6 Here is a couple posts from when I had the talk to how I felt afterwards. We originally started having some issues back in June. She moved out and in with some friends thinking she just needed to be on her own. Things were going all right and I had no idea she was feeling that way about losing the spark. We then separated August 21st. I feel I handled it well. A lot better than I thought I would. I have had some time to figure myself out and get prepared for that moment. I think you will find some good advice on that thread. I have a feeling that because things ended like they did with us, there is a chance things can be patched up down the road. Since it was mainly an attraction thing, I believe that after some time and after I better myself, that can be brought back. Also, when she gets a little older she will come to realize that having a close connection like we did is what makes relationships last a long long time. A deep emotional connection that I dont think she is mature enough to understand and take hold of. Now that I know how she feels I feel A LOT better. My advice...Stick it out as long as possible. As much as it hurts, people need plenty of time to sort through their emotions before they make a decision on what to do. Especially for something as sensitive as losing a loved one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 I got an email back from her after sending one out to settle plans for dinner, she said thanks for thinking of her. She's been having a really hard time, but she's been thinking of me. I don't know why, but that made me feel a lot better and it gave me more light at the end of the tunnel, then it made me more....emotional/conflicted? So, I'm supposed to go to dinner with her tomorrow. After 3 weeks of NC. It's weird because I feel like we're both affected by her mom, which shouldn't be the case. If she loves me like she says, and doesn't want to break up, shouldn't that be enough? I feel our chances are pretty good, if we can lick the issue of her mom...but that's something only she can do. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Man...Thats hard when there is someone like her in the picture. I have one for you...Its a Hail Mary pass but here goes: Would/could you guys be able to just pack up and move to a different city/town together and leave it all behind? Only then is she completely out of her mothers grasp and she has a chance to find her independance. Its a hell of a long shot and you hear about it in the movies but has it been thought of? Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyu Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 i dont think we can ever give up. even right now, it seems like you have convinced yourself that "its the end" and "i am going to move on" but you still harbour hopes of getting back w her, maybe a few yrs down the road even? its the same for me. im kind of in denial. i feel like im facing an exact same situation as you just that im still not sure of our cause of break up. the first time, he told me it was due to the loss of attraction (exactly what your ex said) the second time he told me im still v special to him, no girl will be able to have the same effects on him as i did but he feels like he's not mature enough to handle a serious r/p right now. so what is? maybe its a combination of both, i dont know & right now i dont feel like asking again. i feel helpless though. i have rly no clue on what to do. 2 weeks aft we broke up, i wrote a letter similar to yours, stating all my flaws, telling everyone i had no expectations. i guess deep down thrs a small hope, but my main reason was that i needed to let my feelings all out, but all my friends said i expected smth. i guess i still do, its like a 0.01% hope kinda thing. to him, he saw it as a closure i guess cos we havent contacted each other since. but i still feel like theres more to it. he summed up the whole break up in so few sentences, changing what he said in 2 weeks so i rly feel unsure. act when i wrote that letter, my mindset at that time was just to try again since his feelings wld not have completely faded & subsequently try a few times more again till the end of the yr. thats the soft "deadline" i had. anw, i dont even know whats my point in typing this. i just feel so confused now, i dont know what to do & dont know how i feel. im so afraid i'd never move on. i mean even if i convinced myself, i feel like i'd be secretly waiting in my heart. sigh this sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Thats good your getting it down on here. That puts it into concrete and solid feelings that you can look at and physically see. Im not giving up hope at all with her. Since we broke up because of an "attraction" issue and not incompatibility or lack of love and comittment issues I will keep my heart open to her. Forever. I was ready to propose to her later this year so I had already decided that I wanted to be with just her. By ending it the way we did, there is a door that was left open for us to meet back up in the future (if we have one together). If not, then I know and SHE knows that we shared a special love with each other that will never ever be forgotten. So do I have hope??? Hell yes! I dont care if some people on this site say to "forget her" and "your still pining" for her. They say that because most of them knew deep down that their ex and them had major differences and problems that just couldnt be resolved. Thats why I like to stay in this thread because most of us in here are experiencing similiar situations. Not everybody in the world has these horrible breakups due to a whole slew of reasons thus the need for drastic measures. What if you gave up on and that person and you could of have a long and wonderful life together but since you took the hard road and booted them you will never know. Im in no way saying to put your entire life on hold but like I said before, tuck away that little bit of hope in a corner and put YOURSELF first. Then you will be able to move on and accept it but at the same time you arent so jaded that if it does come around again you wont pass it up. Sorry, ranted a little myself there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero2Zero Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 Unfortunately, for myself, I need to be rooted in LA, due to the career path I'm going, and so does she. We can't "elope", so to speak. I'm wondering how I can show her things clearly, and help her find her strength. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 you are in a tough spot hero. it sounds llike since she has had such a tumultuous past espcially with close family members that she has this big issue with security and a sense of being stable with someone. i respect you a lot for sticking with her during this. you need to somehow do something big, i mean big to show her that you WILL be there for her. maybe steal her away to the most romantic place you can and at the height of the evening take her hand and look her in the eye and say whatever you hav to in order to show her that. i dont think she will be able grow as a person until she deals with her mother. thats the root of most of her problems in my own opinion. she is trying to break out and be herself but she emotionally cant because of her mother. i would read all you can about that issue so you can do all that you can to offer her help. Link to post Share on other sites
qwertyu Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 niceguy: just wondering, how long were you & her tog for? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 We Were Together For Two Years. We Were Both Up Front With Each Other From The Beginning And Instantly Knew What We Had Found. I Think Thats Why We Were Able To Respect Each Other During This Break. Sorry My Stupid Pda Is Locked In All Caps Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 any updates from everyone so far??? Link to post Share on other sites
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