9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[Hero2Zero]

Qwerty, you're reading into everything too much. You probably don't have a lot of information and none of it makes sense about how he got over you so quickly or why he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Your mind is grasping at anything....anything to make some sort of rationalization for what is happening. You do have to remember that he called it off. Just from that, you should respect his wishes and give him space. I know the feeling that you're losing him, and that by not contacting him, you will fade away from memory and soon, nothing will be left. That is the feeling of everyone when they first break up or take a break. By keeping in contact with him and trying to force something for yourself, you only lose your own self respect in his eyes and your eyes. Pretty soon, you'll be a groveling mess and that will not be attractive to him. You seriously, seriously should now go NC with him. Work on yourself, on your life. Keep yourself busy. Get your own persona back, and maybe then he will see the girl he fell in love with again. But remember, NC is for you, it's not to get him back. If you are meant to be together, you will be. You can't force anything right now, which is exactly what you're doing. It will only hurt any hope of you getting back together, if that is in the cards at all.

[qwertyu]

yeah probably. i know im supposed to give him space but i felt like ive already cut down contacting him by A LOT. i mean how much space does he really need? his space = me completely out of his life?

 

but yes, i'd be staying off contacting him for quite awhile. maybe one month first. but if he texts or IM me, its ok for me to reply right?

[tomwiz]

Qwerty, I made the same mistake...tried too hard and came off looking as sad and pathetic=not attractive. Since we had our break, she's not contacting me every so often, to touch base...its friendly. And from talking to my ex's friend, she said that her mood has changed from "he's not the one" to "I'm not ruling out anything with him, I still care about him, i just need space" If you really love him, then leave him alone for a little while, if he contacts you first, respond, but keep it casual

[qwertyu]

hmm, i dont think i've come off as sad & pathetic so far. i've never cried/begged/did anything extreme to tell him i want him back so badly although i think he knows i still love him but when im talking to him, i try my best not to make it seem like i'd die without him

 

but thanks for your advice. i hope things will change one day too. ohwell.

[Hero2Zero]

I am proceeding steadily. I don't think there is much for me to do at this point. I just have to wait for her to be ready.

 

Funny thing though, she told me she was going to go to Hawaii with her parents. I told her she doesn't need my permission to go to Hawaii with her parents. It's weird because it feels like we're together, only we don't see each other much...

[qwertyu]

he text-ed me today! after one week since we last saw each other. asked me hows my weekend etc. shld i reply?

 

i hate replying becus the msges eventually end with him not replying & it kinda makes me anticipate for his replies. i know it's wrong to be thinking this way but does ignoring him completely help him to miss me more?

[Hero2Zero]

Remember that you want to keep it civil. As long as you don't initiate the contact. Go ahead and reply, but keep it short, and impersonal, no talks of feelings. Just say something like the weekend was great, thanks for asking. You can ask how his weekend was, but I leave that up to you. I wouldn't recommend it.

[qwertyu]

actually im not doing the reverse psychology thing. when he talks to me, i go ahead & talk to him like as a friend. and how i normally am, excited abt everything & stuff haha but thats just me..

 

i didnt reply one of his msges & didnt intend to. when i got online, he IM-ed me & said "hey did you get my msg?" i was like "yeah, haha i just got home! really tired now", he continued by saying "oh just checking cos i wonder if my phone's spoilt, no one seems to be replying me"

 

i dont know, i kinda dont buy the last line. in my case, it wld be more like a sense of anticipation for the person to reply & when she doesnt, you wonder if she got ur msg? well thats how i feel at least.

 

last night at 11.59, i sent him a msg that kinda tells him how i feel towards him still (cos it was supposedly our 2nd year anni).

 

i said "today wld have marked our 2nd year anni. though we're no longer tog, words cannot express how glad i am to have shared part of my life with you. ive learnt so much from this experience. i realised love is a strong word & bears so much meaning yet you're the only one i'd ever say these 3 words to, simply because you deserve it. i love you <3"

 

i know the implications in sending e msg but i just felt like it so i sent & today he replied

 

"hey i remember too. you're someone who will always have a special place in my heart"

 

i know it might be nothing much but sometimes i rly wonder how does he feel towards me..i wonder if there are times he regrets his decision.

 

oh and he's gng to manila alone this thur which is REALLY WEIRD. he told me abt it the last time we met but i didnt think it was serious. he said he just wanted to get away to sort out some thoughts. i mean gng alone to some place that you have no clue about? and i know what kinda person he is.. he doesnt really travel in the first place, plus he's not having any holidays or smth just that thur happens to be a public hol & he'd get a long weekend so ya..

[Hero2Zero]

I'm proceeding steadily. Giving her time to sort out her issue with her parents. At this point, I can only give her space. We get along, we communicate everyday, I'm just waiting for her to sort out stuff at home. It's a real stalemate, I am a bit impatient, but I know that pressure from me is not what she needs.

 

It's her birthday this friday, she's been depressed and doesn't want a big party with friends like we usually do. She's said yes to going to dinner with just me though, as long as I don't make it a big party. I'm just wondering if she's doing her martyr thing, that she would appreciate a real party celebration, to lift her spirits, or do I respect what she wants and just have dinner with me, which might continue to help her feel alone with her problems at home...? What do you think I should do?

[qwertyu]

i would just have a simple dinner w her. i mean since she alr said she just wants a simple dinner. aftall, a dinner between both of you does not necessarily mean it might be boring or makes her feel sad. i actually had a lot of fun w my ex during his bday dinner. or you can try to make the dinner romantic!

 

i dont really know what you shld do. but i guess you shld ask her abt the r/p between u guys once u feel ready to do so. i know u dont wna rush her but dont u feel like u cant go on like this forever? its torturing isnt it?

 

im looking fwd to the day i get to meet him again & when i feel ready to talk abt everything abt us & maybe frm there it'd be easier for me to move on.

[niceguy27]

hey guys. well...its been quite the ride lately with my ex. Here is the latest and by far the biggest news so far with us:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135744/

 

Hero, I think that you may understand this better as you know the most about my story. I have laid pretty low lately and then the above happened pretty much out of nowwhere. For some reason, I feel a lot closer to her now than ever before as she felt the need to share this info with me. Im not sure what the future holds for her and I but for the time being, I cant let her out of my life completely and I dont think she wants to either.

[qwertyu]

niceguy: long time since we heard from you!

 

anyway, i scanned through the thread you posted (exam tmr, argh). read the update of your meeting w her & I ALMOST CRIED!!!! omg.

 

i dont rly know what to say (i mean i cant even handle my own issue, so yeah & currently feeling a lil sleepy, haha), well initially when i read her email, i thought she kinda missed you (yeah maybe not in the romantic way but close friend kinda way). most people in that thread seems so negative! as in pessimistic but i dont blame them, maybe im the only one who's trying to be optimistic abt things & end up getting disappointed. ohwell.

 

but aft reading what she said to you, i dont know im quite shocked she has gone through so much while you guys were apart. i think she really went thru a period of confusion (im not sure if she still is now) & probably did things out of impulse etc & after everything, she realise "what am i doing?" i dont know, thats what i feel and she probably confided in you cos you were someone who was so closed to her before & she knows you're a good guy & you'd always be here for her so she decided to tell you abt it.

 

but i cant tell the future. you alr accepted that you guys may/may not get back in e future, which is good for you, really (so getting back will be a bonus otherwise you will be fine, altho i know in your heart you'd always want her back somehow) but for now, i feel like she's too broken & lack the courage to get back into a r/p w you (if she even considered in the first place) i mean aft having gone thru so much, the last thing she wld wna do is to screw up the fship you guys have or face any r/p problems (tho u might think that this time will be MUCH different, but sometimes they are just too skeptical & really tend to use their heads more than hearts). i think she rly needs time, just be someone who is there for her. i hope things work out for you guys!

[niceguy27]

Thanks so much. People do seem really negative about things sometimes. If you truly care for someone like that, all the little things get thrown out the window when you look at the big picture. I dont know what the future holds but her sharing that with me and opening up like we did was a big step of growth for each of us.

 

Yeah, she does have too much on her plate right now to even consider a long term r/s with me or with anyone else. Until then I plan on being there for her in some capacity. I know my boundries and what I want so as of now I am comfortable where we are at.

[qwertyu]

i re-read some of the posts by others & i dont know, i get this perception that they think we're still "deluded" that everything we do is sort of "trying to win them back." sometimes i wonder if its really true?

 

i guess in our hearts, we'd always hope that they'd come back to us one day but i think we know very well that this possibility CANNOT be guaranteed, we just hope to be the best we can as a friend & hope they see changes in us too, to look back & realise how much we mean to them (altho this cannot be guaranteed as well). i mean what else can we do alr?

 

why must we resort to extreme measures of not contacting the person at at all or stay away from them so that we wont get ourselves hurt or be used as an emotional crutch? i think we're alr sad enough to not be able to talk/hang out w them as much as before, must we srsly go to such extent?

 

sigh im not doing too well emotionally. ive been pretty much in NC with him ever since the his bday meeting. just like you, a few msges exchanged here & there but in my heart, i really feel soooo upset (i dont know why also becos theres no reason for me to be) i never showed him any of this tho. if he talks to me, i'd act all fine & dandy. i stopped all contact w his friends too unless they talk to me, i keep it casual & light. i just dont want him to know im still so emotional abt things.

 

can anyone help me?

 

sometimes i feel so alone in this situation. i know of a few people gng thru break ups but i think all of them has sorta moved to the stage where they kinda accept that nothing they do is gna change the situation. i know they still love/care for their ex, just like you but yknow at least they dont feel THAT SAD everyday but i still do & I JUST FEEL LIKE DYING (dying here is to express how frustrated i am not that im gna commit suicide, no worries haha). i just wish i can be like all of you who have accepted it alr & just think that getting back tog will be a bonus, but otherwise its fine.

 

recently, im so tempted to contact him but im still in the midst of exams (end on 22 nov), shld i just persevere & wait till later to do so? i really want to know hows he doing & how was his manila trip but i dont want to text him cos im afraid i'd start analyzing everything he says or i'd keep checking my phone to see if he replies, yknow that sorta thing?

 

ARGHHHHHHH, frustrated & sorry for ranting!!!!! just wna cry nowwwww. :'(

[niceguy27]

The process of moving on takes A LOT of time. You have to do it on your own pace. No matter what people on here say you have to do it on your own time. If it gets too hard, then just pick up the phone and call him. After that you may go a week or so without talking to him. Then 2,3, and eventually you ween yourself off of him.

 

Thats what Ive been doing. I cant cut her out completely. At least not yet. In the meantime, I know shes out dating and I have tried too so it does help me keep my mind off of things. I think a lot of peoples problems on here and why they are so bitter is because they dont have good communication with their ex. As long as things have and continue to be open and honest, it makes it a lot easier to accept things and move forward.

 

I talked to my ex last night for the first time since we met. She was kind of quiet so I told her I would do all the talking. She said she was glad she told me what happened. I still dont know why she opted to but oh well. I told her flat out that what she went through was a huge life event and that by her letting me in like that, I said it brought us a lot closer together. Not in a romantic way but deeper than that. I said that as long as I am still around I will do everything I can to help her cope with it. I would do the same for any of my other friends, so why not someone I wanted to marry? Thats where I dont understand why some people are so pessimistic about it.

 

I told her flat out I am not doing anything to get back with her and I have no hidden motives or anything. Her and I share a lot of common values and so I can only imagine what she had to experience.

 

All in all, if you really do love someone, and I mean really love them, all the little petty things that used to get you so upset completely disappear after something big like this happens. If you can put all those aside then thats when true love shines through. So hang in there. If its meant to work out with you guys, somehow it will. That process may take a lot of time but eventually you will find a middle ground with your feelings. As just friends, going your separate ways, or reconcilling, it will all pan out eventually.

[qwertyu]

thanks a lot, that really made me feel better.

 

yeah i guess the reason why im feeling this way is because i havent been talking to him much. until now, i feel like there are many qns i would like to ask him or clarify things abt us but i havent got a chance to. i dont really know how either. even if i were to ask him to tell me honestly, i wonder if he will (i trust him quite a bit so i tend to believe what he says although i always have doubts abt it). he really keeps a lot of things to himself & sometimes i wonder if he says things in a "nicer" way so as to not hurt me.

 

i dont know how we can ever talk deeply again. sometimes i feel like he has this barrier up while talking to me cos he's afraid i might get the wrong ideas, its hard to convince him. alternatively, maybe the "biggest" prob he faces now has gotta do w me so he cant possibly tell me right? i mean just like me (things i feel abt him), i tell my friends or people here but i dont tell him.

[qwertyu]

oh yeah one more thing, am i being too paranoid?

 

honestly, i know i have a tendency to overthink. yst i suddenly asked myself "how is he able to stay away from contacting me aft being so long tog w me & we talk everyday & hes in the army, doesnt he get bored?" & it led me into thinking maybe its becos hes communicating w some other girls out there.

 

i told one of my friends abt it & she said im just being paranoid & thinking too much. she was like "rmb he's in the army, maybe he's busy with stuff & doesnt have time to msg people much & also he probably just talks to his army friends around him? like bunk mates & stuff"

 

and i was like oh yeah ok true but LATER, i thought of smth else. i rmb when we met on his bday. before we went for dinner, we were sitting at this coffeeplace & while talking to him, i noticed he was msging away (i dont know if it was to fill the awkward silence between us cos there were times we both kinda just stared at each other & didnt know what to say)

 

i know i shldnt probe but i was like "who are you msging?" and he replied "friend" (ok duh) & i said "ok you keep msging!" (my tone was like trying to ask him to stop being so distracted w me altho i probably shldnt have said this) but i guess i was a lil affected. he didnt say anything tho.

 

aft dinner w me, he was gng for his friend's 21st bday party so i said

 

do you know you guys are going clubbing aft the party?

him: **** serious?! i dont wna go

me: yeah & i think theres a halloween event cos kathy told me she might be going. trish (common friend & the girl im threatened by, also the girl i THINK he was msging) might be there too

him: oh okay. i heard from my army friends theres an event too but im not sure if i'd go.

 

later when we went for dinner, someone called him (it was trish, he told me later)

 

him: im not sure if im going

him: so what are you wearing? (i think she said smth like why dont you come & see cos his reply was..)

him: yeah ok dont say hi to me when i see you, i wont say hi to you too (but in a joking manner)

 

end of convo.

 

yeah well, what do you think? i know i have no rights to prevent him from dating others since we're no longer tog. i know i have no choice to accept if someone else comes along AFTER we broke up. but what if he's been close to some other girl BEFORE we broke up? that I CANT accept.

 

i did ask him abt it during the meet up & he claims there's no one. he said he's only close to two girls (trish & jen) but he assured me theres nothing going on between them. they are just FRIENDS. besides jen is "sort of" seeing someone but having an ON/OFF relationship while trish just got out of a relationship & was involved in a very serious one for a long time.

 

i just wna know if he still loves me? i mean what if he doesnt & hes actually interested in other girls now? i still have plans on trying to win him back aft my exams but i want to try to find out what he thinks before making any moves yet i dont have any common friend to help me, even if i did, they're on his side (i.e. they would keep what he says from me).

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Niceguy, great to hear from you! I think that you're doing the right thing by being there for her. She is dealing with a lot of stressors in life, you should be there for her and be a source of release and understanding, much like a good friend will. If you continue to be there for her, you are being stronger for yourself and for her. Right now, you just have to keep doing what you're doing for yourself. Since your break off went without a big fight or deal breaker, the chance will present itself if it's meant to be. But don't think about getting back together, I know you're not doing that, but I'm just saying that it's ok to meet up for drinks with no motive of getting her back. It'll happen if it's meant to be, just try to be there for her as you would a best friend. You're doing the right thing.

 

Qwerty, you need to stop reading between every line. You will drive yourself nuts. You have no answers and you cannot understand why he is doing this, so your mind will grasp at anything and try to formulate an answer for you. You need to have less contact with him because everytime you meet him or talk to him, is just getting rid of any progress you have made. You need to heal before your ready to honestly just "be there for him". Right now, you haven't gotten over the fact that you've been dumped, and you haven't healed from that because you refuse to take steps to better yourself for fear of losing him forever.

[Hero2Zero]

As for my situation, I just went to see her perform for a program that she's been working really hard on, and she was great.

Our rapport has been great, it's like we never missed a beat. The way our conversations flow, our humor and our chemistry is great. I am just playing it cool and being there for her. I'm not talking about us, just having fun. I think it's a good thing for her as she seems to have loosened up around me compared to 3 or 4 months ago. Hugs and kisses on the lips goodnight are commonplace now, there isn't that weird air. She's getting more free time now that this musical is over, and she's going to Hawaii with her parents for a week, I told her that I hope she has a good trip and to relax and have fun. She says she will cal me from there. I gave her a hug and kissed her goodnight. The night went well, but I'm still in that stalemate of giving her time to sort everything out at home.

 

I do have to admit that I get that feeling of wanting a definite answer once in a while, I just remind myself that I need to let her sort herself out. I've invested 7 and a half years of my life on us, and if we're meant to be for the rest of our lives, a few months is just a drop in the bucket. I feel that she is feeling more open and closer to me that ever before since she asked for a break period.

[niceguy27]

hey hero. So glad to see you guys are progressing naturally with your r/s. Just be patient. She will one day have an epiphany about you and it will be like a whole new world opened up for her when she sees just how much you care for her.

 

Thats all Im doing right now. As time goes by, if she/they realize what they had, its up to THEM and not us. We know how we feel. I really think that it takes more of a person to look past the little things and see the whole picture. To set aside differences and personal wants in order to support not only someone special in your life, but a fellow human being/christian, karma, etc. speaks volumes of a person and the love they have for that other person. With my ex going through a life changing event that popped literally out of nowhere...well, I couldnt bear to watch her experience the pain of that on her own. regardless of our history. Same goes for you sticking by your ex.

 

I try to think that any sane person when they get a little older would look back and see some of the things that we have done would give their left foot to be with us. And I think the ex's will someday realize that. Until then, we just have to continue on and follow what and who we are and things will eventually just pan out (as in your case).

[Hero2Zero]

She she asked me if I would go with her to her work Christmas party and asked if I wanted her to go. I guess that's a good sign....?

 

She seems to have eased up and get a bit more comfortable with me. I just hope she's not settling into the on a break me, but rather the me that is in a relationship with her...

 

I'm probably overthinking the situation..

[qwertyu]

decided to post.

 

things have changed a lil for me. i dont know but i think im starting to move on. i cant say for sure cos i still do get a lil sensitive when i hear things abt him. im just tired. i cant really keep up with things anymore.

 

isnt it tiring to love someone yet the feelings are not reciprocated? i dont know what true love is supposed to be. i mean if you really love someone, you'd be willing to wait, is that the way its supposed to be?

 

i guess im just taking things a step at a time & letting nature take its course. the fact that he doesnt love me anymore is starting to get inside my head. i just think that if they love us, theyd come back to us. we dont have to do anything & the reason why they left us, is probably becos they dont have that sort of feelings for us anymore right?

 

well anw, i'd still be meeting him this sat although it hasnt been confirm. i still have the scrapbook i made for him with me, i'd probably give it to him as an xmas gift. i'd be writing a letter too & that will be my last attempt alr i guess. if nothing happens after that, i think i'd just stay away from him for awhile. i find it hard to be friends w him, at least for now.

 

despite this, i cant help wondering whats he thinking?

 

im not sure if you guys read my post on another thread. but recently, i found out he blocked me on MSN yet he still texts me random things! not a lot. but the other day he called to ask me how to post overseas letters? :/ and later he texted me again to ask abt the same thing. so weird...

[Hero2Zero]

At this point, you are thinking in the right direction and finally getting the hints he's been dropping. You've been blocked on MSN, you shouldn't answer his texts anymore and not even bother to meet him and give him that scrap book. If you're not together anymore, what's the point of giving him all your memories together, if he's trying to move on as well, wouldn't that be unfair? Also, it might just go in the trash one day.... Think about it.

[qwertyu]

but if ive been blocked, doesnt that mean he doesnt wna talk to me anymore? anyway i dont think hes blocking me becos im annoying or anything, i seldom talk to him even when i see him online.

 

then why does he still text me & all?

when i suggested to meet up (cos im finally done with school, having hols now), he agreed to it. so whats wrong if we still meet up? i dont know but how hes been talking to me recently seems fine, he's not cold or anything like that.

 

im ready to move on, i just want to talk to him properly when the time is right. i just wna know how he feels & all. aft that, im gna NC for myself not for him.

[qwertyu]

just want to know, do most guys behave like that?

 

will they not tell you the truth because they just dont know how to or dont want to hurt you?

 

i confronted my ex about the MSN blocking. im 100% sure he did, but he denied & came up with lotsa reasons to prove me wrong & how illogical my thoughts are. he said if he'd blocked me, why would he bother texting me or answering my calls/msges. and he said it makes more sense for him to just ignore my calls/msges & talk to me online since he seldom comes online anyway.

 

but I AM 100% CERTAIN, he blocked me. i didnt want to argue & didnt know how to cos if he persisted, what could i say?

 

i just dont understand why must he lie & i dont get him at all. the way hes behaving aft we break up, he seems so weird, like a totally different person. i was quite pissed & i just told him like "im sorry but i think i have trust issues with you" and he said he thinks im oversensitive as well. WHAAAAT?! :/ i didnt even conjure that crap up!?

 

i really dont know what is he thinking, like does he still want to be my friend or what?

 

oh yeah & today when i came online, he immediately IM-ed me. i think he was trying to "prove" and to show me that he didnt block me. :/