9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[Guest]

hey there I am in a position that so closley mirrors yours it is not funny. I also broke up with my wife of 7 years in early July. We have 2 children (a 6 yr old girl and a 1 year old boy). I did not see the break up coming and it hit me like a truck when it happenned and this feeling is still present now. I want her back more than anything in the world and lover her dearly and it is ironic though that with the benefit of hindsight how all the signs in the world were there indictating the break down in the relationship.

 

Since the break up we spent some weeks still in the same bed let alone the same house whilst waiting for our house to sell and settle. Then we moved out and into 2 town houses in the one complex, big mistake... spending a few nights there and a few here, I have since moved out into my own place with more distance. Throughout this time we have been intimate on several occasions, and I am aware that she has been on a few dates with someone else and is herself a hotly sort after item in her office now that she is 'single'.

 

Considering I want nothing more than to get her back and our family back together for that matter I would like to implement the 'NO CONTACT' approach but considering the kids it is very difficult. She still constantly contacts me via phone call, drop over or text, and I for that matter also do so, however the pattern that has formed is that as we have shared weekly custody of the week (me-Mon, Tues, Wed, thurs morning, her-Thurs afternoon, Fri, Sat and change over on Sun afternoon or Mon morning) when I have the kids she fairly well makes no contact with me and I crave her contact but do not chase her or invite her over. Then during the time that she has the kids she constantly ionvites me over for dinner, breakfast, lunch, picnics etc.

 

I too am scared that by implementing NC it may push her further away, instead of bringing her back

[niceguy27]

Last night I saw my ex for the first time in two weeks. We went to a mutual friends b day party at a beer tent. We drove together and I tell you what...I didnt bring us up one time. Just shot the breeze the whole way there. We stopped at her moms to get something and walked from there to the tent. There, I saw her dad and the three of us small talked until we sat down with the friends.

 

The few hours we were there we just hung out and things were kind of normal. We walked back to her moms, got my vehicle and left. On the way home we stopped to get something to eat. As we pulled over to eat, SHE brought us up. "Want to talk about us?"

 

I will tell you what, it actually worked. I said I guess, and I let her do almost ALL the talking. That is one of the first times I think I have ever held my tongue and created a bit of silence after she spoke. I prayed all day that I would find the right words to say to her when this time came. After seeing where she was, I chose them very carefully. Mind you, we have not seen or really spoken for 2-3 weeks. She told me that she does miss me tremendously and wants to come running back in my arms. But at the same time, she realizes that right now she needs to be 100% sure about her and I. She wants to do this now and not later down the road if we have a family.

 

I told her that if its meant to be, its meant to be. That threw her for a loop, thinking that I was giving up on her. I told her that it has not been all that long since we have been separated and I am not ready to make a decision right now to go one way or the other....See what happened? Suddenly I need to think things through also.

 

So it all ended when we got home and she came in for a few minutes. I looked at her and was honest. I said what we have is real. Its not some lovey dovey infatuation relationship. I told her I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me and feel it in her embrace when we hold each other how real it is. I told her WE cannot be friends during this. Its not fair to give false hope to either of us. She agreed.

 

So all in all, a good night I beleive. Communication lines were open and reciprocated. I wanted to share this with you because I believe that if you just let things happen, they will happen. I know her well enough that when I choose to, I can open myself up to her like that. But the biggest message that you want to get across is this...

 

Dont push her into a corner to make a decision. Yes or no is not the answers you want from her. Tell her you two just need another couple weeks. Dont mention NC or any deadlines. Keep lightly in touch over that period then when it gets closer, slowly test the waters to see if/when she would want to meet again.

 

Again, I dont recommend asking her if she has made a decision. Let her come to you and bring it up. The hardest thing in the world to do is not being able to express your true feelings to someone you love. It goes against the grain. But for the first time ever, I put on a little act like nothing was wrong and SHE actually brought it up. 99% of the time, its me bringing things to light (I have the stronger personality in the relationship).

 

Good luck man. I am not sure if your religious or not, but say some prayers. I did yesterday before she came over and guess what??? When we got into the other town there was a HUGE billboard on the side of the road...GOD LISTENS was all it said.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Niceguy, what a coincidence! We have a mutual friend's birthday party this saturday too. For the first time, she is actually coming to a friend event with me again. I asked her if she wanted to go and maybe we can hang out and talk for a bit after. She said yes, she said she has to wake up early the next morning for church. But I told her it's ok, she can go home whenever she feels like.

 

I was just about to suggest NC and meeting up a little bit later. But I guess you're right, I should stay away from that and just play it cool. Any advice? I will put that in prayer, though I don't know if it will be heard, because I feel like I don't really pray or go to church though I have a Christian background. And I hate the feeling of praying when I need something...

 

Any advice for Saturday night will be appreciated and congrats on the progress that you're making Niceguy, I hope everything turns out well for you. I only hope I can have as much progress/luck as you did.

[niceguy27]

Since she has to leave early, that would be a great for you! You tell her you would still like to go for your friend despite whats going down with you two. Offer to ride together so you can leave early.

 

As hard as it is, just focus on your friend and not the two of you. If you havent seen each other in a while, i gurantee she will be wondering about things too. Just sneak in little glances here and there with her and by all means DO NOT try to touch her or do anything that you used to do when you were together (touch her back, knee, etc.) I had to consciously do that last night AND try not to sit too close to her so she didnt accidentally do the same thing.

 

Once your there, grab a drink, slam it, loosen up, and put on your happy face. After the party, go to a fast food place, grab some food and see if she brings anything up. I think that if you hold off till after the party, she will be more open to you. Maybe tell her it was real nice to just "hang" out after so long and you enjoyed the night. I think that if you put any pressure on her, it may scare her.

 

This has to be done on her time line. So just cut loose (itll be hard at first, but with friends there it will get easier) and BE YOURSELF! That is the guy she needs to see that she is missing.

 

ps. That is what prayers are for. Im not all that into church but I do consider myself spiritual and prayers are supposed to be a way of asking for help when you have nowhere else to turn.

[Hero2Zero]

I don't plan to even bring anything up till after the dinner, if or when we leave early. She did mention that I exclude her from conversation before, when we are at birthday parties. So I'm wondering if I should try to bring her into the conversation more, or should I just keep my distance from her at the party. See, we haven't seen each other in more than 2 weeks, but she has been in contact with me via IM almost everyday, small talk and jokes and stuff. So I don't know if she will even feel like she misses me and want to talk... What do you think?

[niceguy27]

If you havent seen each other in a few weeks, then that alone may be enough for her. When she actually SEES you she may change her tune a little bit because when your together, its gonna feel like old times. Keep your distance with her at the party. Maybe sit across from her or something. That would be a subtle way of showing your separation from her nonverbally. But make sure you include her in the conversation. Try to gossip about someone there, or talk about small things just to keep the atmosphere light.

 

Tell her in kind of a cool way, "Hey, dont worry, Ill make sure I include ya in the conversation! We'll have a good time. Don't worry about it." Haha. Or something like that...All in all, be yourself (get a little dressed up to make her see you have changed a little bit since you last saw her) and after that night, I think you will get a good idea of the waters to see where and what the next step would be.

[Hero2Zero]

She's really feels like she's not accomplished, so she's gotten into this frenzy of having to buy a place and move out of her parent's house. That is a great source for all this that's going on. I understand it, she's 25 going on 26. People usually re-evaluate their lives at this time. I'm just wondering if I can help, because she is trying to tackle this alone.

 

I don't even know if I should talk about that. Heck, I don't know what to talk about, when we do talk after dinner... What do you think?

[Hero2Zero]

For some reason she won't let me in, or even help. The way she thinks of things is from a lone wolf perspective. She said that I should try to find my own happiness apart from her crap. She said "I bring you down and beat you up, like an idiot." I don't understand, I offered help, but I don't think she wants it. I told her that she can't will this to happen tomorrow, instead need to evaluate the goal realistically and set smaller tangible steps to getting there. I don't know what to talk about tomorrow, but this is what she is saying to me right now.

[niceguy27]

Ask her why she would say she brings you down. Let her know what you guys have shared and you understand she is in this confusing state right now. Tell her that is what love is for. You are there to be there for her in any way she needs it. If its space, then its space, if its a crying shoulder, so be it. I think she is beating herself up taking this break and feeling guilty about it. That is when she needs a little bit of re assurance on your part. My girl is going through the same thing. Re-evaluating her life and is trying to spread her wings a bit and get a sense of freedom.

 

I am slowly realizing that I may be in for the long haul but I know that we love each other dearly and will work through all this. Hardest part is what your dealing with. In what capacity can I be there? As much as I know that she needs to spread her wings, I still want her to know that if things are meant to work, they will and that I really do love her.

 

So I think that she is kind of experiencing these growing pains too. Let her spread her wings and let her bring things up. Only do this if you are ready to give it some more time. If she is still txt you on a regular basis, I dont think she wants to give up either. See, I felt it in my ex's voice a few days ago when I brought up her getting the rest of her stuff out she almost freaked out because that was a finality. And she was in a fragile state and I didnt want to push her into a corner by giving her some ultimatum. She'll come around on her own time. I know she is trying hard and I respect her for that. I think the same with your ex. So go to dinner tonight, have fun, loosen up, and let her lead the conversations and just LISTEN to what she says.

 

Let me know what happens!!! Good luck man!

[Hero2Zero]

Well, dinner went really well. We hung out with friends, talked and laughed. It seemed like the happy time before. I felt good about things and I think she had a blast at the party. I drove her home and we sat in her driveway and talked for almost an hour. I expressed my understanding of her current state of mind and that it's ok that she is confused and wants to figure things out. I told her that I'm there for her in any capacity, whether it's an ear, a shoulder to cry on or just space. I told her to live life and spread her wings if she needs to, that I would give her time to figure things out. She asked about my job offer in another state, if I was going to take it. She said it would be interesting for me, but she said not in a "I can get rid of you" type of way. I told her I am thinking about it, and if they pay enough to make it worth my time. She said that I shouldn't limit myself based on her, and I told her that she was not my basis for a decision here, but rather if it makes sense for me to do that. I told her that she has to live life based on ambition, rather than a reaction to what her mom tells her about herself. (her mom breaks her down often) Then we talked about us, about how it was a lack of excitement, but not a lack of love. I said that a lack of excitement is not bad or the end of the world, as long as we care and love each other. Our talk ended soon after, but on a good note. We just hugged and said goodnight, I told her I love her and she said she loves me too. All in all, I thought it was an ok night, though I probably put a bit of pressure on, when I didn't want to. I may have sounded like the boyfriend who wants her to make up her mind. I was just trying to offer advice and I was letting her talk and let things out. Sigh... I don't know if I can win on this... I don't really want to contact her again and add some comments, as I think that that will add more pressure or be naggy. What now?

[niceguy27]

Well. Good job!

 

I think you said what was in your heart. You let her know that you care for her and that you will not just disappear off the face of the earth. When she does come back down to earth, she will have had lots of time to look back and re look at her time away. When she sees how much you really care(ed) for her, I think she will come back and you guys will have another chance. (Btw, check out my story of what happened last night too! Kind of familiar)

[Hero2Zero]

Wow Niceguy, so similar in situation. I am tempted to invite her out just to have fun, and not have "the talk", maybe to return a sense of normalcy. She seemed really happy after the dinner when we hung out with friends and took pictures with the samurai sword replica gift in different poses. I was so happy to see her smile and she seemed to loosen up and become herself towards the end of the night. I am thinking that I can be there for her as a place of solace from her troubles, and not bring us up at all. But I don't know if that's a smart thing to do. What do you think I should do now?

[niceguy27]

well, its been two days since our meeting. I told her it was time to let her go and all that. I have been VERY tempted to txt her or call her to just shoot the breeze. But I know that I left the ball in her court and that as much as I want to, I cant do that. I told her after some time, we could maybe look at us having more contact.

 

But for now, as with you, I think the best thing to do would be give it another week or two of NC with her. That allows a little bit of time to heal and clear the head out a bit. I dont believe in dropping off the planet for a long time if you plan on trying to make it work. It may be harder to try to reconcile down the road if that happens.

 

I am going to lay low for a little bit and then from there, I am going to act like the guy she first met a long time ago. Ill be busy, sweet, and semi-available. That way, all the relationship normalcies are gone and its just ME that she sees. This will let her know that I am fine but still showing a little interest in her.

 

For you guys, maybe you do need to hang out more like that. Just go with the moment and see how it pans out. After a while, you two may seem to gravitate back towards each other and you will be starting over without even knowing it.

[Hero2Zero]

I'm just wondering if it's time for NC or time to just try and have fun and meet up ocassionally and keeping in contact... There's part of me that needs an answer, and there's part of me that is patient. It's just hard on days when the impatient side takes over.

[niceguy27]

I feel for ya. I have made a whole hearted effort to not contact her since we last talked Sunday. I havent txt, called, or anything. Today is the 3rd. day of full NC with her and it sucks hard but I know if I do this for a little bit, I will have a clear head if/when I do talk her next time.

 

Its kind of funny that a whole lot of opinions on this site seem to favor just forgetting the ex altogether like the plague. Maybe there should be a thread started for NICE ex's. I would really like to get other's opinions on situations such as ours. You know, ex's that are not necessarily bad but honestly confused about what they want. Broke up for no real reason except to grow from the inside and figure things out. Not everybody "knows" right off the bat if someone is right for them. Maybe it takes a few falls to realize what they have.

 

There is one thread on here somewhere that talks about it briefly, but nobody has really put any input in it. Sorry bout getting sidetracked. I want to talk to her so bad and show her the "me" when we first met but on the flip side with just as strong emotions, I am still convinced that no matter how hard this is, it is something she just has to do.

[Hero2Zero]

I totally understand what you mean Niceguy. I honestly believe that she is sincerely thinking about this because she is confused and needs to figure this out for herself. It's better that she does it now than say, 5 years later, when we're both a lot older and further down in life.

 

I've had responses from both camps, the ones that say just forget her and move on, she is over you. And the other camp that says give her the space she needs to figure this out. Frankly, I get confused because I get steered in both directions, maybe that's why I have all this conflicting ideas. But my gut feeling says to stick this out and see what happens, rather than cut her out. My GF is really a great person and she has bigger issues to sort out than me. I really feel I'm just caught in the crossfire, but she wants to better her situation at home. I don't want to threaten, or ransom our relationship, I feel like I need to be there when she needs me. I have a self-set deadline for an answer, but I'm not bent on getting in resolved by that date or we're done. If you know what I mean. Of course, there's the part of me that wants to find out now!

[Hero2Zero]

Niceguy, I got the impression that you were going to stay in contact with your GF after everything went well that night, how come you're going no contact? I'm wondering because I felt that the past saturday night went well too and I'm wondering if I should stay in contact or go NC...

[Curious139]

 

Its kind of funny that a whole lot of opinions on this site seem to favor just forgetting the ex altogether like the plague. Maybe there should be a thread started for NICE ex's. I would really like to get other's opinions on situations such as ours. You know, ex's that are not necessarily bad but honestly confused about what they want. Broke up for no real reason except to grow from the inside and figure things out. Not everybody "knows" right off the bat if someone is right for them. Maybe it takes a few falls to realize what they have.

 

There is one thread on here somewhere that talks about it briefly, but nobody has really put any input in it.

 

Amen to that - and yes it is my thread but with surprisingly little input. I suppose many of the posters here come because they have been treated so callously and don't have good memories of their exs.

[Curious139]

 

Its kind of funny that a whole lot of opinions on this site seem to favor just forgetting the ex altogether like the plague.

 

Yes I know what you mean. I think it is because in a lot of cases people have been abandoned and rejected in heartbreaking circumstances. The ex hasn't treated them with honesty or respect. In those cases NC and letting the ex fade away is the best therapy, particularly in unbalanced relationships where power and control, abuse etc have existed.

 

In other situations I agree that it is unnatural and unrealistic to try and forget the ex ever existed. However we are generally dealing with members who are in the initial agony of losing someone they love, or having great difficulty in getting over the loss. Me for example!

 

So we all need to heal and NC as well as keeping busy, exercise etc is a very effective way of letting time go by and allowing our minds adjust.

 

I know this because initially I sent 3 carefully worded loving emails to my ex over about a week. I got 2 kind replies but was told I mustn't hope. She has a new relationship and I know her - she won't walk away from that unless it really doesn't work. She is a good person.

[niceguy27]

Well, after much prodding and poking around and seeing things in the real light, it is becoming much clearer to me what she thinks she has to do. After this last Sunday night when we went to dinner, I basically let go of her for the time being. I know what her plans as I know her all too well:

 

She is the type of person to "hide" her feelings away at a moments notice. Amazing how some people have that ability. She had convinced herself that she needed to be sure I am the one for her as we were slowly progressing towards an engagement later this year. So, she took it upon herself to break away from us.

 

It hit me out of nowhere because things had been very good up until that point. Never any indication of problems between us. So what she is doing is living this "shadow life" (haha, I know, what an analogy) by her choosing. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She is testing herself to see if she can find feelings in another person. If she does, we were not meant to be. If not, then she will know. To me, its a no brainer. You love someone and want to be together, why go elswhere?

 

But that is the difference between her and I. I am established, know who I am, know my place in the world, comfortable with myself. She is entering nursing school, recently moved out on her own, and still influenced to a certain degree by others. The life we shared before she left was one of comfort, fun, a sense of belonging to something, and an overall wonderful "what could be." After a while, she wanted to be sure that is what she wanted for the rest of her life.

 

I know it sounds like she is being shallow but she has kind of let me on to this for the last couple months. She flip flops on her feelings for me but we have never taken time apart from each other like this. She realizes that what we have is rare to find. We both share the same core values, life goals, and family values. We love each other with all our faults and have a great bedroom life. So there is two things I can do according to some of the advice on this site:

 

1). Go NC, move on, forget her. Better now than later.

2). Understand where she coming from and have a little faith that the time we shared was just not wasted and keep in touch a little bit here and there to let her know I am still partly in her life. And just truly give her/me a couple months to see how things go (this is rarely found on here).

 

Either one is heartbreaking to say the least. If I go the first route, I lose her. If I go the second, yeah I am still "hoping" but I am also doing my own thing. So I am going to try to walk that fine line between LC/NC. Its been 4 days now since I have had ANY contact with her. I told her last Sunday that she has 2 weeks to get her stuff out and just call me to let me know when shes coming over to get it. Once my initial feelings kind of settle, then I will go LC with her. I dont think I will ever push completely out of my life, but I am going to let HER contact me.

 

I wrote a letter last night (yes with a clear head) that basically told her to not forget the things we have shared. Not sappy or anything but kind to the point. It explained that I dont think anything less of her and for her to pick up the phone and call if/when she wants to talk. And if we do, I said that there will be no pressure, no reservations, and no expectations about us. I want her to know that the door will be open for her and we can visit it again down the road. I DO NOT want to make her feel horrible and guilty about what has happened. It was mostly a reassurance letter stating that she never be afraid to pick up and call me. I wont give it to her personally, I am going to put it in with some of her stuff so she may run across it later down the road.

 

Sorry for the long reply, but I think some of us here are in a similiar situation. It helps tremendously to talk to you guys about it since it is kind of hard to find support for situation like this.

[niceguy27]

Also I just got a email from a friend of mine whom originally hooked us up. They are roomies in a house together and pretty good friends. I had talked to her like 3 weeks back to just get general advice. I know women and I know they talk so I kept the conversation at just getting advice. No prying, spying, manipulating, etc.

 

Anyway, here is the following 2 messages that have been exchanged. It gives me a little comfort knowing this:

 

---Hey xxx.

 

I just wanted to touch base with ya and thank you for taking the time to talk to me a few weeks back. I know you guys are good friends too and I don't want to have you choose sides. I think that I am going to lay low for a while and get my life back on track. This has really hit me harder than I thought but I have accepted things for what they are.

 

I am glad I came out for your birthday the other night. I know that in time, I will be able to come around again and hang with ya and not have awkward moments if xxx is there.

 

Thanks again for listening to me that one night! Dont worry, I wont disappear completely!

 

Talk to you later!

 

Love,

 

xxx

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From:xxx

Date: Sep 12, 2007 8:27 PM

 

 

No problem at all xxx. xxx is a very good friend of mine but so are you and I will always be there if you need me. I'm not sure what is going through her mind lately but I do know that it's better for you to not talk to her right now. She needs to figure some things out for herself and its not fair to you to be worried and concerned about what she is doing when she's confused herself.

 

I think it's good that you are gonna focus on getting everything back on track for yourself. I know that things will work out how they should. Remember that there is a bigger plan for you and things happen for a reason. Call me and let me know how things are going. Maybe we can get together for dinner or something sometime. You are still my friend after all and I care about what happens to you!!!

 

Love ya,

 

xxx

 

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: [COLOR=#003399]xxx[/COLOR]

Date: Sep 12, 2007 1:34 PM

 

 

 

 

----Thanks buddy. I know she needs time. I love her enough to do just that and I will give her what she needs. Thanks again!

 

But yeah, dinner or a drink sometime we'll have to do.

 

Love,

 

xxx

 

 

Just wanted to share it with you guys.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey niceguy, the more I hear your story, the more I see how it parallels with mine. In fact, it seems like we're in the same position at this time. The only difference is that I haven't been able to do NC, since I and AIM on at work and I get instant messages everyday. I don't initiate the contact, she's always the first one to message me. I do however say bye and I love you before I go home. She says I love you too, but I'm wondering if that's out of politeness or sincerity. I told her a long time ago that she doesn't have to say that back if she doesn't mean it. But she does everytime. She's not one to play mind games, I honestly believe that she is confused herself. I just feel that I am abandoning her by going NC, since this is a time of need for her. And I feel bad about that. I did tell her that I don't know if I can be friends if we break up, realistically, if one person still has feelings, I don't think a "friendship" status would work. She cried really bad after that and said she thought we would always be friends, I told her that I won't hate her, but I don't know if I can immediately. I felt SO BAD after. I gave her a hug and told her sorry, but I was just picturing the worse case scenario, not trying to ransom my friendship.

[niceguy27]

i see that too. i kind of went out tonight with the guys and called her to see what she was doin. thank god she was home sleeping as i was going to ask her stay with me.

 

after getting that message from our friend, i knew that she needs to be away from me t know for sure. i wont call her again as today was 4 days of nc for me (longest i have ever gone in two years of us) and now i feel as though i caved.

 

the last thing i want is to make her think that she cant come back to me when shes ready. especially when you truly do love someone it makes it all the harder to stand by and not be able to offer help or advice to them.

 

i think that in our situation (not exactly the same but similiar) they do love us deep down but for some reason they need to prove to themselves that they can do things on their own.

 

i think that nc would be good for a week or so then call and touch base to see how she is doin. you bein on aim is kind of hard though. maybe put your status on invisible for a few days? see how that pans out. maybe she will call you after that to wonder what your doing.

 

i dont know. its so hard to stand by and watch this unfold when all you know is that all that wowuld matter is if she just called and said she wants to come home to you. if we didnt live in such a ''me'' world maybe that would be true

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Niceguy, I tried to do the whole invisible thing on AIM, but somehow she knows I'm there. Then when I didn't respond, she asked if I was ignoring her now, and seemed upset and hurt about it. But then she said it's ok. I just felt bad. I've tried to do no contact, but she contacts me on a daily basis...

[niceguy27]

God its so tough. I know. I txt her last night with a pic of the dog. Then this afternoon I txt her AGAIN to see if she got it and that he misses his momma. She replied back with something like she not really his momma anymore. Haha. I just couldnt help myself. I want to still have some contact with her.

 

So I told her to call me sometime, that I missed talking to her. Its the first contact in about a week (minus the 30 sec call when I woke her up a few nights back) and the first I have asked her to give me a call or something.

 

I went into her clothes room and organized all her stuff so its easier when she comes over to get it all this morning. It was kind of hard to see her old clothes that she used to wear around the house. All the memories and stuff. Then her mom called and we talked for close to an hour about things. She feels really bad for me and has told her that if she waits too long, I will move on and find better things. Talk about having someone on my side!

 

Im just ranting a bit. As every day goes by, I get a little better, but my heart still aches every time I think of her.

 

As for you, the AIM thing is keeping you guys connected one way or the other. That is gonna be a toughy to figure out. If you dont respond, your ignoring her. If you do, your letting her keep control. Try to just be busy and not be able to respond to her as often as you'd like. Give it a shot and see what pans out.