9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[Hero2Zero]

We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. It was pleasant. After 3 weeks of NC, our dynamic hasn't changed from when we were together, I guess that's a good thing. We still make each other laugh, and we talk like we used to. This has never changed. I asked her what's been going on in her life. She's having a tough time at home, she says. I tried to give perspective and advice about being her own person and making her own decisions for herself. That she has to be strong, and the reason why these decisions are so difficult, is that they're the ones that usher her into the next phase of her life.

 

She said that she definitely doesn't want me to not be in her life. But then again, she didn't really say she wants me in her life directly. She is very careful about saying anything that is close to a decision. I think that she really just needs more time. She said that she appreciates me being here still, and that she doesn't deserve me.

 

I think I have said all that I can say, she knows how I feel and what I think. Most of all, she knows my decision. I guess the only thing left for me to do is thank her for fighting for me all this time, I guess that means that she doesn't want to break up with me, despite all the stuff that her parents put her though. Otherwise, she would have given up on us by now, and just let her parents win?

 

We are in communication again, I think from here on out, I will just try to be a source of relief and just have fun when we go out. She has enough pressure at home. I did tell her that the thought that this could possibly go on indefinitely is scary, but I will give her time, but I'd rather get the answer sooner than later. I told her that I can wait for her, and that I can give her time. She did say that it's not going to take a year. So I guess that's good?

[niceguy27]

He lives!!

 

If you decide to stick it out its going to be hard for you. If you can hang in there and know shes not going anywhere the only thing you can do is gut it out. In the meantime, dont hold yourself back if you happen to meet someone else. Continue to go out and have fun, keep your options open. Even if your heart is with her you can still hang out with other women. You will feel better once you make a decision one way or the other about what to do.

[Hero2Zero]

I think I can hang in there. I know she is worth the wait. My feelings for her have not changed much at this point. She doesn't want to break up with me, and I want to be there for her during this time. I don't think I'm at the stage where I should be moving on, considering what her situation is, and the fact that she doesn't want to break up with me. I have a pretty good feeling about this, if I can stick it out for as long as she needs.

 

Thoughts?

 

How are you holding up?

[niceguy27]

The more you describe it the more this seems like just a temporary thing with her. Once she overcomes it she will look back and be VERY thankful you were there for her.

 

I'm doing ok. this is my first week doing full NC. It hurts to think that all the memories we made together ended with her just "losing the spark" and having it end because of that. I do admire her more now for telling me the honest truth about why she left. She tried for a while to fight it but eventually she had to accept it. Hearing the "more as a friend" deal after almost 2 years sucks. We had just gone on a 2 week vacation down to the florida keys. Romantic, fun, new, and had a great time. I thought things had re kindled then but apparantly I was wrong.

 

I do think that once she gets past this little stage and is away from me for a while, she will look back and say, "Wow, I had it so good with niceguy I wish I could have that again." I think that after your with someone for a while that spark does fade but whats left is a deep connection and that is what makes r/s last a long time. We had a very good sex life so maybe it was because I did lose part of myself to her and let myself fall into being too nice and too comfy with us.

 

That reason makes me believe that if I do work on myself for a whil and let her do her own thing, we have a good chance of at least trying it again down the road...My only concern is do I leave her 100% alone??

 

A couple of the guys she has gone out with are very quickly asking her to give them more time, not talk to anyone else, and the other B.S. that most typical guys throw out there. I think that if once in a while I send her a nice, genuine txt wishing her luck on something or just something nice to say to her, it will remind her that she wouldnt have to deal with all that crap with me.

 

I guess it could go either way. She knows exactly how I feel so why should I feel the need to send her those things? But then again, she is worth fighting for as my life was improved when I was with her. She helped me realize who I was and loved me for me. Arghh. Either way I know its over with for now and I am trying to find someone to alleviate a little bit of the pain. Not sexually or anything, but someone who has gone through the same thing. Rebound on each other I guess...Im just lonely.

[niceguy27]

If I dont send her anything or acknowledge it, do you think that would send a pretty strong message that I have moved on?

[Hero2Zero]

Hey niceguy, I think you should leave her 100% alone at this point, maybe touch base after a month or so, just a short hi, nothing more. I think you have to let her go and move on yourself. Don't really need to send her anything. Touching base is ok, just small talk. To keep the contact alive and to preserve a friendship, if that is your intention. Break ups are not a forever thing, it's just break up for now. Your paths will cross if she wants it again, or if it's meant to be.

 

I think that there is a chance in the future, when she has had enough time to look back. But you have to give her that time and space. Just think of it as if you were not together. If your paths cross later and the chance is there, take it if you want to. But you should not live like that chance is all you have. I think a rebound right now would be a bad idea. The instant gratification, patch thing feels good now, but it goes a long way to mess everything else up, you could end up hurt. Give yourself time.

[niceguy27]

Thanks Hero. I needed to hear that. You're right. I do need to let her go 100% and let her be. I think the same way sometimes about us being back together down the road when she does look back. If/when we do get back together, I know that our relationship will have been made A LOT stronger because of this and that we really would be meant for each other.

 

I plan on keeping in touch after a while. But your right. My original plan to go 30 days full NC has to get started on right away. Ive had some time to get prepared for it so I just need to pull the trigger and do it. Thanks for the pick me up.

 

Its nice to see others that share similiar situations as my own.

[niceguy27]

Oh I forgot...What do you think about her b-day? Its wednesday. I got a card for her with a stamp on it but I dont think I am going to send it, call her, or text her on her bday. Everyone says to not do anything and let it pass. You know my story better than anyone else...I think I forgot to mention it was her b-day. Sorry...

[Hero2Zero]

I don't think sending a card and maybe a small present would be bad. It just means that you have no hard feelings and can be adult about it. It's not like you guys ended on a bad note. No feelings on the card, just a simple wishing you a happy birthday. Remember, it's only ok if there are no strings attached and you're not expecting a response at all. Do it if you want to do it for her, not for yourself.

[niceguy27]

hero i need your input on a new development. its my post in coping about getting the lowdown.

 

i dont know the time frame as to when this all went down so i dont know what to do! after hearing that i just want and need to get ALL her things away from me.

 

what do i do? should i leave a letter for her with her things explaining why i did it or just leave the previous letter that i wrote with her stuff?

 

im honestly lost as to what to do

[qwertyu]

hey niceguy, how are you coping right now? im facing the same problem as you, i dont know if i shld retain minimal contact or complete NC. i havent contacted him in 8 days already and planning to do so till the end of this week.

 

but his bday is coming! haha why do we all seem to face the same situations. i was thinking of going to his house at 12 midnight to surprise him w a cake but thats abt it. do u think its ok? i mean just as a good friend. i made a scrapbook, act i did it before we broke up & planned to give him on his bday but i dont know if i shld now. is it very inappropriate? i think i would give it to him ultimately tho, cos i spent lotsa effort time & money on it & it'd be quite a pity if i kept it just that im not sure when i shld.

 

hero: i think youre in quite a good situation! hope things will go your way too.

[niceguy27]

Hero I was pretty intoxicated last night when I posted that stuff but thanks for responding so quickly. When I went back and read it today it didnt bother me as much as last night. I was just venting because I was angry.

 

Qwerty, I would recommend NOT going over there. Either drop it off at his house or mail it to him with a nice little card. If you think about it, why would you want to extend any type of affection/emotions to him if he is not returning them in kind? Thats how I am starting to see things. As much as I love her and want to be with her I have to accept some things:

 

1. Every action, word, txt, email, contact with her has been from me and NOT her

2. I have put forth a lot of myself into trying to talk to her and be understanding

3. Her feelings must not of been that deep for her to right off the bat do some of the things she has done

4. She will NEVER be able to "miss" me or "realize" anything so far as I am still in the picture in ANY sense.

 

Very slowly I am starting to come to terms with these things and am dealing with them as they come. As it becomes clearer and clearer I am seeing it in a more objective light. The "fog" is lifting so to say.

 

Hero gave me pretty good advice about leaving her 100% alone with ZERO contact for a while. He is right and as hard as it is, that is my only option. Since she had an "attraction" issue which is probably summed up as emotional immaturity, giving her ample time to herself to do her own thing for a while in order to be able to look back at what we had on her own is all I can do.

 

Plus I am trying VERY VERY hard to always think of me right now. It goes against who I am as a person but if I do this long enough it will allow me to wholly understand myself again and find that inner self confidence that I have seemed to lost.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Niceguy, glad that you're thinking more about yourself. I think you're on the way to rediscovering yourself. Let her do what she wants, as far as you're concerned, you're done. What could have, should have, would've doesn't matter now. You're going forward, moving on and becoming better for it.

 

Qwerty, I like typing your name, qwerty, lol. I just run my fingers across the keyboard. As for your situation, you have to stay away 100%. Send a card, a little present or something, or as niceguy says, mail the cake! LOL, that's precious.

You will subconsciously try to find reason to have contact or see him, and you will justify that reason to the point where you believe you're doing it to be a friend. The truth is that you're the dumpee and you're desperate for any type of contact any way you can get it. I say don't do it! Just send him a card. Then go out with some friends, invite people over, and eat the cake with them!

[qwertyu]

ok thanks for your advices!

 

yeah maybe i'd just drop it off & leave. actually ive been in full NC with him for 10 days alr & i only plan to break it on the week (which is next week, so by then it'd be arnd 2.5 wks of full NC) of his bday cos i might just ask him out for dinner. like as a friend?

 

i didnt rly think of being 100% full NC cos i still wna try in some ways or another till christmas, but like slowly? as in like leave him alone for 2-3 weeks then contact him again occasionally.

 

i made a scrapbook and am still deliberating if i shld give it to him. i think the day i give it to him will be the day i will ask him once & for all if he still wants to give us a shot. i was thinking christmas. like maybe we can try for one mth & see if things can slowly develop again? if he rejects me, i will full NC all the way.

 

hows the plan? ha. so far ive been ok i guess, i am able to live w/o him just that at times i do think of him a lot but i think i have quite a great deal of self control. i will only text him when i need to.

[Hero2Zero]

Hi qwerty, it really sounds like you want to see him more than need to. In the end, do what you think is best. I still stand by just mailing something...

[niceguy27]

I second that. I dropped her card in the mail last night. B-day is today so she wont get anything from me till tomorrow. As hard as it will be, I think stick to just mailing him a card.

[niceguy27]

well i made it through today...still have to go to bed though. talking about her b day today. i held out and didnt contact her at all. i sent a card but she wont get it for a few days. i know i shouldnt care but do you think she noticed me not calling her?

 

qwerty i had friends over for dinner (girls) and that helped out not thinking about her bday. i would suggest the same for you too. good luck

[alwayshurt]

the day after tomorrow is my Bday. I have been in NC for over a week.

Who knows if she will contact me to wish me happy bday. I can't take her off my mind. And stupid of me, last time we spoke, I asked her not to contact me anymore.

Well.....she listened!!!!!

[qwertyu]

niceguy: i think she'd notice. haha! i dno, i srsly think she'd expect at least a text msg frm you saying happy bday.

 

 

hero: i guess so. but i think its also becus we havent even broken up for one mth yet? im not rly at the stage where i feel i can completely let go. i feel like i shld try to salvage the situation asap (yet not try to come off as too aggressive) before theres rly no hope forever. :/

[niceguy27]

always...just wait and see what happens. dont worry bout it till your b day comes (happy early bday). if she does call or txt ignore it. dont say thanks or anything. looks like your having a good time.

 

qwerty...only a month? thats tough. my first month i was still an emotinal wreck. if you feel that youve gained some insight during this nc period, then you do what you feel you gave to. if you do see him be happy and calm. it sounds like you have a lot of unfinished feelings that you need to express to him. if need be just lay it out there in real simple terms and ask him point blank where he thinks you guys should go.

 

i waited a month before i said something. i had gone through the grieving and was ready to finally look inwards and see what i wanted to express with a clear head. once i did i felt a hell of a lot better. so dont rush it. just follow what you want to do but make sure you space it out...youve done a great job so far with nc so your on the right track

[qwertyu]

yup, throughout the NC, im always discovering and learning new things abt myself, reflecting on our relationship, looking at things more in depth.

 

2 wks aft we broke up, i expressed how i felt in a letter. it was quite an emotional sight, both of us were crying. he said some stuff but it didnt change the situation.

 

i didnt want to give up cos i felt like the fact he cried showed that he still had some feelings for me & while he still has some, i want to try to win him back. but now im just taking things slow.

 

i think im gna ask him one last time, write him a letter along with the scrapbook & give it to him on christmas. that will be 3 months aft we break up. long enough or too long? i will ask if we could start afresh and try things out for a month & see how things go. but if he doesnt even want to try, i will proceed with full NC & try to heal aft that.

[niceguy27]

3 months is a while. That should give you some time to think everything through. In the meantime make sure you do things for yourself. Go out with someone, start being selfish, and do whatever makes you happy till then. You will boost your self esteem so you are prepared for that day.

 

So today I packed up my ex's things and just dropped them off at her place. She wasnt home and I never called her. Hadnt heard from her since last week when we last had that final talk. A couple of her roomates were there and one of them said "oh yeah, she has had PLENTY of time to get her things." Im not so much pissed at her as I know were split and she does her thing and I do mine. I feel quite better now that I took control and just got it over with. Ive been putting it off and getting it out a little at a time but I decided Im done waiting for her to make the move. All that is left are tubs of Christmas things and some board games that Ill just have her mother or myself take of.

 

Whewww!!! What a start to the day. See...one step at a time. One step at a time.

[tomwiz]

my situation somewhat paralells your guys. We are still in NC, and have been for about 2 weeks (broken up for 3 weeks), although its technically a break...she hasnt contacted at all. so being threw what you guys have...if i want her back what would you suggest i do?

[niceguy27]

That varies largely on why you took the break. Hero...Ex has family issues and not any issues between him and ex. Me...she had been controlled her whole life by her mother, then moved out and in with me. Now she wants to be on her own for a while to explore her independence and that caused her to lose the "spark" with us. Qwerty...I think the same thing. Not quite sure about the whole story but I think her ex just bolted one day.

 

So all in all, we share a somewhat similiar situation with our ex's. No issues of compatibility or anything, mostly summed up to bad timing. If you want her back, make sure she knows 100% how you feel so there is no doubt in her mind. If you have already told her that then all you can do is get back to yourself by distancing yourself from your "old life" and get back to who you are. Once that occurs you will be able to make a decision as to what YOU want to do. 2 weeks is still a little too fresh to make any type of decision.

 

Give it time. 2 weeks to you seems like an eternity but not to her. Just be patient. Thats probably the best advice to give without knowing your background.

[tomwiz]

URGENT HELP REQUIRED.(sort of)

 

Hey there, a good friend of mine (female) just wrote a message on my facebook wall something to the effect of "I better see you out for my birthday, thank you, love you bye"

 

Should I delete this? I dont want her to think that things have started up between me and my friend...there is no attraction there and although she knows it she still does not like this girl very much due to the fact that she is kinda flirty with me