9 weeks so far, really out of my head!

[niceguy27]

Not at all. your split up. My ex started hanging out with some guy totally opposite of me and 2 weeks later wrote some stupid thing on her facebook about him being the hottest coach ever. Dont sweat it at all. If she knows how you feel there is nothing you can do but your own thing.

 

Hero...How goes it with you? How you holding up lately?

[alwayshurt]

If you want her back, make sure she knows 100% how you feel so there is no doubt in her mind. If you have already told her that then all you can do is get back to yourself by distancing yourself from your "old life" and get back to who you are.

 

Niceguy,

 

I haven't got the chance to tell her how I feel. The last time I spoke to her (over the phone) she was trying to communicate something. I am not sure whether she wanted to tell me her desire to be with me or not. She started the conversation by saying that she wanted to know how I was (she had called me two days earlier while I was overseas telling me she wanted to hear my voice). She mentioned that she had been in the hospital for 2 days for anxiety attacks (which I don't believe); She asked me about my ex (she knows I was deeply in luv with that person). She said she has been going out with her friend and a guy asked her out but she did not like him physically and she added she cannot find the right person for her and if she did she would do anything for him; But she did not mentioned anything about our relationship, which apparently to her it was great. I told her that when we were together I showed her how much I loved her but that was not enough for her. She said at that time she was confused (she is separating from her husband) and kind of scared.

During that phone call I always used the past when expressing my feelings (I loved you, I had feelings, etc).

It was me to end the conversation and ask her not to contact me anymore. I said I wished her the best and she said I don't want you to wish me well. Then we hang up. I did not say I love you and I want us to be together or nothing. I just left her very cold. Even when we saw each other three days later (we works in the same building) we had a very distant conversation. I told her "You look nice that means you're doing well" she answered "I told you I am doing well", but her face was not sincere. She left by saying "one day I am going to write you an email". That was it. It has been a week from that day and she hasn't called or emailed me and neither did I.

I wonder if I should have said something to her, like expressing my true feelings, before going to NC. For what I said, she probably thinks I am over her and she is doing the same thing I am doing....NC. Many people here have advised me to stay away from this person because of the package she is carrying. But what if she is trying to be with me and in her mind I am rejecting her? I don't know at this point if I am doing the right thing. How can I move on if I stay with this doubt? Perhaps it is too late to tell her how I feel. What you say? Help!!!

[niceguy27]

She left you. Like my ex left me. Once I told her how I felt I knew that there was nothing left for me to do but get by without her. Ball is in her court now. Same with her. You told her how you felt now she has to live with the decision she made.

 

If after a couple weeks its still nagging you, then mail her a handwritten letter thanking her for the r/s and expressing how you feel. Dont put anything in there about how she should or could feel, just your feelings. Tell her you dont regret anything and that she will always be someone special. Then you know 100% that you got your point across and its up to her to make an effort to make things right again.

[alwayshurt]

The thing is that she never left me. I was the one acting weird after she came back from a trip to her home town and she told me she had kissed a guy. She was very nice to me after she came back but first I igonered her and then one night we went out and she told me she loved me. I was very cold to her (I said I loved her too, though) but insisted that we should be friend (don't ask me why!).

Later she wrote me an email saying that after that night she did not know what she was to me anymore...probably from the way I reacted and treated her.

She has always been the one getting in touch with me, but lately I have tried (hard) to keep distance. I wonder if I screwd up the all thing.

I think she really had some strong feelings for me (I don't know if she still has it). But her situation was so complictated that I could not expect anything. I should have been patient a take it one day at the time. But instead I reacted as a jerk and wuss and I did anything possible to avoid her.

Anybody, who feels rejected eventually has to make a decision and in her case her situation was so difficult that she probably thought f*** this a******. Who knows.

My heart wants her to call her again...I am not in the mindset right now to make the first move.

[qwertyu]

omg yst was horrrrrrrrrrrible. i dno why but the feelings of missing him was so strong, i cried so badly. thank God i still resisted the urge from calling him.

 

im so thankful that i get advices frm you guys, esp niceguy! doesnt mean aft reading them, i feel completely fine but at least i feel a bit better.

 

just felt like saying this. haha. gossssh, i pray that God will help all of us get through stuff like that.

[niceguy27]

thanks qwerty! this is my favorite thread by far on here. as you know i dropped off her things today when she didnt know about it.

 

well there was some really bad weather earlier and a tornado supposedly touched down near where she lives. so stupid me called her to warn her...then it hit the fan. long story short i got to tell her that the whole time shes been feeding me lines abouut not having time to get it out has been a cop out.

 

i called her out and told her that her life is her life now. i have not one time asked or inquired about this guy shes been seeing. i told her the whole point was that if she even had one hour to spend with him its disrespectful to me for her to leave her things here. i said that she needed to finish what she started and anytging less is just mean. i also reminded her that ANY other guy would have put it out to the curb 2 days after we broke up. i know how busy she is and have gone way above what anyone else would have done.

 

am i not right? it felt so good to say that to her! so she would finally hear it. she was pissed that he said anything to me about her. i dont blame her and i just listened to him. he did a the drunk talking. so lots of drama at her plce i guess over what shes doing.

 

she also kept telling me that i need to move on and how she told me that last week and doesnt know why i cant just let go...hello! have i once asked her back or mentioned anything about US? nope not one bit. why then is she so concerned about that? trying to convince herelf? then she went on to correct that guy i ran into as to how many times shes actually hung out with him. did i even ask anything about that? nope again. all her.

 

so what the hell gives with her? i dont really care but i want to be able to figure it out. since she is busting out for the first time in her life she is not the same persn as before but i just need help realizing that.

 

have i done things right so far? moving on and leaving a good trail behind me so in the future she will realize all the things that i have done? thats all i want to leave behind. that one day she will look back and say ''justin was so good to me. i was being selfish and i cant believe some of the things i did at the time.'' you guys know my story so far. i just need to hear that i have done the right things and that SHE has to grow into herself in order for her to be the person that i really know exists deep down but cant be right now.

 

sorry i knew today was gonna be an emotional one.

[qwertyu]

hmm, i think why she asked you to move on is because she doesnt understand how her stuff lying arnd your house bothers you so much.

 

to me (at least), i would feel like if you'd really move on, you could carry on with life seeing things related to me yet being able to be indifferent towards it. no feelings of sadness/anger etc, it shld be like "oh ok i see it, so?" that sorta thing.

 

and shes probably irritated that you keep pestering her to get rid of her stuff. maybe she just feels lazy to do so or she just cant be bothered. although, she shld remove them out of courtesy but she doesnt see why the need/hurry.

 

abt the other guy, she probably told you that in defense of your accusations. as in like you blame her for having time to spend w him yet not being able to do a simple task by clearing her stuff. so she'd be like "its not as if i spend lotsa time w him!" even if its not smth that you care abt.

[niceguy27]

damn...good point about the accusation.

 

but i framed it though in the context of her having at least an hour of spare time to do it... i said very specifically that i haven once inqured about her perosnal life so she an hang with whomever she wants. its that if she did get an hour or two over the past month or so, she chooses what to do with it. so far she has chosen to not to do anything.

 

so the point about the guy was that i deserve some respect that she finished this BEFORE doing anything else, especially seeing someone new. and she knows how i feel about her. 100%. she knows me better than anyone and knows that it bothered me a lot. and thats where the pain still comes from...

 

knowing that much, how could she still choose to do that? she has completely done a 180 and has turned very cold. we nevr held each other back while we wre together. i knw her intimatelty and her with i. its so out of character of her and i know she needs time on her own without me...it was just so damn hard with her stuff still here. one day i was fine with it, the next it bothered me. i pray that now i actually got it all out, my next step can be taken. ive accepted were over but now begins the actual moving on.

 

btw, she keeps on insisting that she needs to do a ''walkthrough'' to get any ''little'' things out of the house. wth?? glasses, papers, etc that i just dont know are hers and that she wants. and no, i cant tell her shes not allowed in here anymore...haha. thats gonna happen sunday or monday. argh..ive been trying to get this done for two weeks now so hopefully this is the last crap i have to deal with.

 

amazing how she put it off for so long that when i do something about it she gets pissed but at least i illicit a response from her.

[qwertyu]

since shes not doing anything and its bothering you, why dont you just take care of things yourself?

 

throw all her stuff into her box, drive to her place & dump it there. then you wouldnt have to keep reminding her and get into petty arguments. what do you think? haha.

[niceguy27]

well..thats what i did today.haha. finally!

 

its all these loose ends that keep me from really letting go i think. i also think she feels like that too. still keeping some type of connection with me while she ''figures things out'' and if i push her she gets pissed because ''she'' isnt ready to do that?

 

two weeks before she left me we had plans to have us move back in together and she put a diamond ring back on left hand (pre engagement ring). then breaks it off with me and a month later tells me (what i posted earlier in the tread) she doesnt want to date me and i need to move on. is the girl is totally confused and is trying desperately to figure out what she wants from life? its the only logical thing i can come up with (i am a guy alright). that this is some ''test'' to see if she can make it on her own?

 

i know im fishing here and shouldnt be wondering but in here i can ask the questions that i dont/wont ask myself during the day. today is knd of a bad day so im a little more over analyzing than usual. thanks for lettin me rant

[qwertyu]

oh no problem. i think of silly things like that all the time too. yst was my bad day & today isnt that great either, maybe its becus im sick too thats why i feel all needy. HAHA. but i will overcome it.

 

woah it must be rly sad. to the stage of engagement! maybe this whole thing scares her. the commitment and the idea of getting engaged and possibly marrying e person followed by many years to spend the rest of your life w this someone. i do think she needs time to think if this is what she rly wants or if its right for her.

 

have you wondered if she might not feel like youre The One yet you feel like she's The One? i dont think you'd wna be w someone who doesnt see you as The One right, as much as it hurts to know that.

 

thank God im far frm engagement. yknow what, im only 19! hahahah! i feel like all of you here are so much older than i am & i must be silly wasting time here talking abt relationship problems. ha! but then again, we are all gng thru e same stuff & i dont think age rly matters.

[niceguy27]

aww. dont feel like that. love has no age limits.

 

shes dated a lot and so have i (27 and her 24) and we both had discussed how lucky we were to have met each other. i think shes the one and shes told me before that shes never met anyone quite like me and for the first time in her life she felt herslef. no fronts, no games, just her. i was the first person to just love her for her.

 

thanks. i feel better now thinkin of that in those terms. sometimes we all get lost in the details and forget about the big picture to just let things happen as they come. she knows how much i love her and your right...she needs nothing but time to see what SHE wants.

[Hero2Zero]

Hey guys, my sister's wedding is this saturday, so I've been busy with all sorts of stuff. Tonight was the rehearsal dinner and I just barely got home. Dinner went great, I got to meet future in-laws and all that. My GF sat with me, but I noticed that she was being distant, almost on purpose. But I'm probably just reading too much into it. We shared a piece of pie as dessert because I can never finish a slice, and she didn't want a whole slice either. We had light and pretty distant conversation. There were so many people there and we were talking to everyone, new people, old friends, etc. The night wasn't the time to focus on us, but I can't help but notice her distancing herself. I'm probably just reading too much into things, it's one of those bad days for me, I guess. At the end of the night, I walked her to her car with one of my friends. She got in her car and said bye, so I leaned over and gave her a hug. I think that if she can hug everyone goodbye, I at least deserve one. Which brings me to the biggest issue I have with this taking a break. I feel like I'm not being treated as well as a friend would be treated. She didn't want to break up, we're just taking a break. There's no bad blood, no deal breakers. So how come I get treated as less than a friend? I don't expect to be treated as if we were not on a break, but I at least expect her to be civil about this "break time"... Am I just nuts? Am I over-analyzing things?

 

Niceguy, you are doing the right thing. The last tie has been severed and both of you should go on doing your own thing. You have to remember that everyone is inherently selfish. So it's ok for her to break up with you on her terms, but you see, the thing about picking up her stuff is on your terms, and that makes her irritated. By distancing and detaching emotion from the situation, you did the right thing, you will look back and see that you did the right thing. She needs to move on as much as you do, and I think you already know that. Be strong and keep the focus on you, not her.

 

Qwerty, there will be the good days and the bad days. It's good to talk about the bad days, but you can also talk about the good days. You will find that talking about the good days will make it much easier as you reinforce the good things that happen. It'll help you be strong.

[qwertyu]

but what if her feelings changed?

 

sorry dont mean to sound discouraging, but yknow how some people DO get bored aft awhile or maybe they realise they dont love the person as much as before? my ex said that too but what if "yes you were someone special to me and no one ever made me feel this way but this is just not working out, not at the moment at least & what i see and feel about both of us now is that we had a special past tog which is just a sweet memory to me now but thats it."

 

sometimes i think they broke up w us probably becus they feel guilty and think that theyre being unfair to us. to them its like, how can i go on being w this someone who loves me so much but i cant bring myself to love them in the way they do? am i deceiving them & leading them on? i think it becomes a burden for them to think that way. and they must have tried to love us more but just cant seem to do it thats why they need a break to sort out their thoughts.

 

thing is, we dont know how long they need & we will continue to "wait" for them somehow but what if they never come back? its sad to think that way but we have to feel prepared.

 

i know you said since its an attraction issue, one day feelings might develop again but you shld know that its not just feelings that will bring you guys back tog. even if my ex were to miss me, i think itd take a lot for him to ask for a patch cos he wants to make sure this time its rly certain, whatever in the past might hinder him cos hes afraid if things dont work out, we'd end up hurt again & he doesnt want that to happen. he told me he'd only get back w me if he still has feelings for me & can see us tog for a veryyyy long time.

[qwertyu]

hero: its like that. they say they'd treat you as a friend but i think we are doing more to try to keep them as friends than they are. my ex told me we could still be friends but he nvr took the initiative to contact me, even if its just to ask me how im doing casually.

 

he did once not too long aft we broke but i think its out of formality. so far i havent contacted him, neither has he. i mean if he still treated me as a friend, he'd wonder how im doing right? and he'd probably drop a msg saying "hey hows your day" but no. if you were friends w someone, you cld call up e person anytime even if you just wanted to chat right?

 

but when i called him just to talk, he wldnt sound very interested. i was like "you said we cld be friends but youre not even initiating conversations w me" and his reply was "but i dont see why i shld call you unless i have smth important to tell you." which also means i wont get calls for him often cos what constitutes "important"?

 

i dont know how to describe their behaviour either. i dont even know if they really mean they want to be friends w us cos friends dont treat each other like that. :/

[Hero2Zero]

I think they want to be friends because they're not prepared for the consequences of any choice they make. That's all. The real answer would only come if you ask the direct questions of do you want to be with me or no. In your case, you need the space as much as he does.

 

I get mixed signals, she makes it clear that she doesn't want to break up, that she definitely doesn't want me to not be in her life. But then she's afraid that if she said she wants me in her life, that means that we would get back together then and there, and she would not have the time to sort her issues at home out. The thing that gets me is that I don't feel like I get treated as well if it's more than just me and her. If other people are around, it's almost like she's going the extra mile to distance herself. I could just be reading into it...but I somehow feel like I should be treated as well as any friend, I'm not expecting to be treated like we were together. Is that too much to ask?

[niceguy27]

Hero. Glad to have ya back! Thats the problem with being "friends". There is still this expectation or certain level that the two of you are normally on. You two still have that real strong connection and you can only have a real friendship if the two of you are on equal ground. Right now you deep down want more than just that and she doesnt (not prepared to). Youre stuck in that limbo area right now. She is trying to distance herself by being kind of colder to you than other friends. Its a defense mechanism so she doesnt open up too much to you until she straightens out her issues. Your not just some "normal" friend and I think shes treading lightly with you. Like qwerty said, she doesnt want you to look too much into things. My ex told me the same thing. Doesnt want to lead me on by giving me false hope...Ok...Nice that you at least CARE about that...haha.

 

I hear what your saying about severing the ties finally with her. So far I have done a darn good job leaving a lasting impression on her that hopefully she will look back and be able to appreciate:

 

1. Broke up and gave her a couple weeks until we met and she told me how she felt. Told her we can take some more time before I ask for anything.

 

2. Only had very LC during all that time apart.

 

3. Sit with her again and tell her I've accepted we've broken up.

 

4. Roughly a month later I finally told her how I felt (about a week ago) and that no hard feelings, no regrets, etc.

 

5. Yesterday took the initiative and dropped off her things.

 

As far as I can tell, I think Ive followed things to a tee with her. Been patient, sympathetic towards her, given her time before asking anything of her, and hopefully gained back some respect from her by me taking initiative. I just need to keep telling myself that I did EVERYTHING right and its all HER HER HER that needs to make the effort to see what she wants. And that there is NOTHING else left for me to do but continue on.

 

Come on now...We had an amazing and solid r/s that for the first time we were both able to just be ourselves and love each other for who we were. Neither one of us has had that ever in our lives before. That there alone in my eyes is why I do just need to BACK OFF and let her spread her wings. God, you guys listening to this?? Up and down, up and down. Emotions....ughh...

[Hero2Zero]

Hey Niceguy, you're right. You've done all that you can do. All that's left now is to do your own thing, move on and see what happens in the future.

[qwertyu]

i IM-ed him today. said hey but didnt know what to say aft that, he continued though & we chatted for a bit. texted him at night & exchanged a few msges. i dont know why but i feel like hes trying hard to be my friend? as in i dont know his msges seemed really friendly with lotsa "hahaha" lol. we were talking abt movies & he was telling me how hot jessica alba is and (insert other actresses). i mean i dont know if im being too sensitive but i srsly dont understand his point in emphasising how hot/pretty they are? if hes trying to make me jealous, its really not working. haha i mean really, i dont care. its not as if he'd ever know them anyway. lol.

 

i just feel like sometimes its so difficult. when im in full NC w him, i find myself progressing forward but once i see/talk to him, i fall a few steps back. in the sense that i keep thinking of him & the feeling of missing him is really strong. i know this can be solved easily if i just dont contact him strictly, but i dont want to. i still want to be in limited contact w him somehow.

 

will i always feel like that then? like moving forward & backward?

[Hero2Zero]

Everything is fine and dandy, the friendship can continue....that is, until you talk about serious stuff. Then that's where it all breaks down. If you dodge the issue, or not give it time, then you're not being honest about things. It's true that it doesn't have to be all business all the time, but you have to know that the elephant in the room isn't going away by pretending it's not there.

 

You really need to limit or have no contact at all. You will be fine as you do NC, that's when you move forward, you move backward when you talk to him, because it stirs up emotions. You're not giving yourself time to clear your head. It's not getting over him, but you need to clear the fog that's well, fogging your vision. No matter what we say here, you talk to him because you want to. It's not a need to. You have to be STRONG for yourself, if it's meant to be, it will be... you can't force these things. Right now, you're just succumbing to what you want, hoping that you will get a different result, waiting for that light bulb in his head to light up and say: "You're right, let's get back together." Nothing you do will bring you closer to that, he has to reach that conclusion himself. Anything you've done so far has not bettered your situation, so why keep doing it? It's not a matter of giving up, it's a matter of respecting what he needs, and exercising self control. Go NC to clear your head, you both need it.

[Hero2Zero]

Well, my sister's wedding went great. We both had a good time, we danced and talked a lot. I'd say that everything felt normal, like when we were together. She did shy away and pull herself back a few times during the course of the day. We even took pictures as a couple. I'd say things are going well.

 

I just have to hang in there, give her time. But I think we're slowly moving towards an answer... I just hope it's the one I'm expecting, based on the signals... Or it could just be wishful thinking. We'll see.

[qwertyu]

yeah i know what you mean but in the first place, my soft deadline to myself is by the end of this yr. so i thought i could go on having LC instead of NC w him altho i know its gna be hard on myself.

 

im not planning to talk about us anytime soon. meanwhile, i just want to try to be able to go out w him as a friend & have a good time. i dont know abt you but for me, if i dont make it a point to contact him, i'd really have no idea whats he up to. at least some of my friends still get to bump into their ex arnd sch & stuff but i rly dont cos for 5 days hes stuck in camp & during the weekends he's out w his friends or family. im just afraid it'd really be "out of sight, out of mind" esp since even if i wna meet him, i think the most i can ask for is once or twice a mth, a few hrs a day? isnt that pathetic. haha.

[qwertyu]

he sent me a text today randomly

 

"hey i hope you wont get me wrong but all this while. i know i owe you an apology. i think its about time i tell you. dont get me wrong it doesnt mean that we shldnt break up or anything. honestly, all this while ive been very worried for you & ive never felt so bad in such a long time. i dont want anything more than seeing you lead a happy life. i always wonder if you're alright. honestly i feel so bad and i know i hurt you very badly & i understand how it feels. i know its just words but im really sorry. it'd do me great if you can lead a happy life. youre still someone who is very special to me and i hope everything goes well for you. basically, i just want to say sorry and hope youd understand. its not anything. its just that all this while, i want you to know im sorry. hopefully we can still be friends."

 

??

 

what am i to make of this. it sounds like he's really consumed w guilt & basically the msg is just to say he's sorry. i havent replied & dont know what to reply, ive quite a bit to say in response to this but i dno. it sounds like we're still v emotional esp by his text. shld i just wait till later to say smth? but i didnt really intend to talk abt us till 2 months later. i dont know if thats too late.

[alwayshurt]

he sent me a text today randomly

 

"hey i hope you wont get me wrong but all this while. i know i owe you an apology. i think its about time i tell you. dont get me wrong it doesnt mean that we shldnt break up or anything. honestly, all this while ive been very worried for you & ive never felt so bad in such a long time. i dont want anything more than seeing you lead a happy life. i always wonder if you're alright. honestly i feel so bad and i know i hurt you very badly & i understand how it feels. i know its just words but im really sorry. it'd do me great if you can lead a happy life. youre still someone who is very special to me and i hope everything goes well for you. basically, i just want to say sorry and hope youd understand. its not anything. its just that all this while, i want you to know im sorry. hopefully we can still be friends."

 

??

 

what am i to make of this. it sounds like he's really consumed w guilt & basically the msg is just to say he's sorry. i havent replied & dont know what to reply, ive quite a bit to say in response to this but i dno. it sounds like we're still v emotional esp by his text. shld i just wait till later to say smth? but i didnt really intend to talk abt us till 2 months later. i dont know if thats too late.

 

 

It sounds like the email I have been trying to send to my ex.

He's checking on you and I believe there could be some regrets there and intention to be back to you.

Don't answer right away. Wait a few days and then reply very briefly saying that you're ok, that everything is working out for you and so you hope for him. End the txt msg by saying take care.

It would burn his brain. Trust me.

[niceguy27]

qwerty...i think he sent that to "check in" on you trying to illicit an emotional response. Stroking his ego so to say. Wait a couple days if at all to respond to it. If you dont that shows him you arent all emotional still about things...makes you look strong. Keep up what youve been doing and make him contact you. Dont make any contact with him. Keep giving it some time.

 

hero...glad to hear things went well for you. Like I said before, you guys dont have issues so the problem is not with the 2 of you. Your doing a great job of letting her figure this out on her own and being supportive of her. Keep it up!

 

No progress so far with me. After getting into it a little bit last week (first time since we broke up that there has been friction) I still feel good. Getting easier to just let her do her thing. She has pretty much abandoned a lot of old friends and has distanced herself from everyone close to her. She mentioned a while back to me (when we first started having problems) that she was being selfish by blowing everyone off. I think that now she is on her own she is in the me, me, me stage. Thats why shes sloughed off all responsibilities for now. Just school and herself. That makes it a little easier to accept why things have panned out how they have. After she comes back down to earth she will look back and realize that she wasnt being herself for a while.

 

All in all, I am feeling good about the way Ive handled things up to this point. Im moving on with things (trying to go on dates) but at the same time hopefully I have done a good job of leaving the doors open for down the road.