I need some sound advice.

[Sparticus]

I've been in a long distance relationship for a year now, with this incredible girl. Given our distance (1,000 miles apart) We have not actually been able to see eachother in the flesh. Our only meetings up to this point, have been with the use of Internet Camera's, chatting, and the telephone. We've gone through some pretty tough points, but all in all, we've made it this far. I know I still want to make it work, and she tells me she does. Everything sounds like a go, but here is where my problems reside.

Current events:

 

We will be meeting for the first time, in the first week of May. I will be spending four days in her city. This took a lot of time and planning to work out. She was very nervous about it.

 

I was let go from my current job position, but recent events have opened a possibility for me to get a job with the same company, in a state that would put me 30 miles from her.

 

I've brought this up to her, but she doesn't talk to me about it much. She says she has so much on her plate to think about, with finals, that I haven't been able to discuss it with her. But, this is a big thing in my life, that yes, even without seeing her in the flesh, I would take if she really wanted this relationship to work as much as I do. its the timing, however. They will probably want me to move soon, possibly before, or just immediately after my trip to see her, if I get the job. That would basically mean, I would leave the life I've had for 23 years, to start a new one closer to her. I think love is worth something like that, if there is no doubt the love is real.

 

But, there are things she does that don't set right with me, and when I try to bring them up, they're basically ignored. For one, none of the friends she talks to every day, even know about us. Thats a big one with me. Why is she so afraid to tell them anything about us? I know her parents know about us. she is a few years younger than I am.

 

We had a fight recently, and one of the things I said is that I love her, and I want this to work, but I'm at a point in my personal life where I am able to do things to help this work better. The only thing I ask is that if there is any part of you, that doesn't want this 100%, please tell me now. I got no response. A few days later, she said things will be fine.

 

I don't know if I am being paranoid, or if I am just scared of making such a big change in my life. I don't doubt she loves me, but I don't think she is telling me everything as far as how she feels. I'm afraid to move 1,000 miles away from all my family and friends, and then find out that she didn't want this.

 

I guess what I'm hoping to find by saying all of this is reassurance thats its not stupid to follow your heart in this day and age. My needs are pretty simple really. I'd do just about anything within legal bounds for a shot at something and someone real in my life. For me, she is real, and she is what I want. But am I being rash, or paranoid? I've never been good about reaching out for help. In fact, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this on a public forum. I'm just a little scared.

 

Thanks for reading this incredibly long post.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Why is she so afraid to tell them anything about us?"

 

I wouldn't call it as much fear as reluctance. She doesn't want to catch flack from friends who will poo poo the idea of her having such a long distance relationship. Most people clearly understand that in the greatest number of cases they don't flourish. Or she may want to be free to date others where she is without her friends talking about her involvement with you.

 

Base your decision to move for work ONLY on factors other than this relationship. The total lack of enthusiasm on her part is not good. The chances of such a relationship succeeding are slim. Relationships are difficult and the pressure of trying to make one work because of the circumstances you are in may be too much if it turns out to be a poor match. Nothing can substitute for in-person interaction in seeing where a relationship can possibly go.

 

You don't describe a match made in heaven. If she was really into you, she would be overjoyed at the prospect of you living closeby.

 

Many people engage in online relationships because they fear personal intimacy. That's a good possibility here given the long run of yours. Most women with normal biological and sensory needs would not have a long distance relationship of a year's duration without having ever seen the person. A four-day visit is not nearly as threatening to a person like that than your moving in her close proximity.

 

I think your visit will tell the tale. Spend that time to pay a lot of attention and have some good talks with her. See what the chemistry is. Who knows, you may not want to continue the relationship after that meeting...or the two of you may feel you were meant for each other. But if she's not thrilled about your meeting after that time, drop her like a hot potato.

 

Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if she backs out of meeting you and asks you to cancel your visit. I think right now she is very nervous about it. Perhaps it's a good nervous. Who knows? I'm as eager as you to see just where this goes and I would really hope for you that she's the lady of your dreams.

 

If you must make your job decision prior to meeting her, opt to stay where you are. This doesn't look real good at all at this point. If your relationship progresses in a positive manner, there will be other opportunities later on to locate near her. But I think on the face of it it's sort of nuts to base any significant life decision on the ability to live close to someone you have never seen before and who lacks enthusiasm for that to happen.

 

"Online relationship" is one of the more absurd oxymorons of the century. They exist ONLY in the mind.