Why should you reconcile ?

[Bobby NoBrains]

I've been reading some of the posts for a while now, and so often it seems like the poster always feels like s/he's willing to repair it and the other spouse is the one who is unrelenting .. Is this more because of the kind of forum this is ? Or is it because people are actually so selfish as they are made out to be ?

 

I'm in the middle of a trial separation which was brought about at my instance and while I'll be the first to admit that I am/was equally at fault in my marriage, I will also say that my W is/was equally responsible for the breakdown of our marriage until we've reached where we are now ..

 

Even though my W says she is/was happy with me and would like to get back together, it's me who is wary of the prospect of another 10 years like the last 10 have been. I have to say that the ride hasn't been all her fault, perhaps just more tilted towards her from my point of view, or perhaps just that we've grown apart (my favourite explanation to myself) but I know it's so not true, and there's just too much hurt to re-visit. We also have a 6 yo son who has definitely been happier since my W and I are living apart, cause though he has to shuttle between us, at least we're not arguing and fighting like we used to be all the time.

 

So, my question is, should the person at the giving end of the divorce relent and reconcile ? What should be the reasons ?

 

 

All points of view would be appreciated, I'm trying to get points on which I need to ponder ...

[PWSX3]

I've been reading some of the posts for a while now, and so often it seems like the poster always feels like s/he's willing to repair it and the other spouse is the one who is unrelenting .. Is this more because of the kind of forum this is ? Or is it because people are actually so selfish as they are made out to be ?

I feel like I'm one of the few that has separated with his W & we are now back together, it doesn't seem like that happens to often. I know our MC said if I remember correctly only 1% of couples get back together after a separation.

 

I can only use my situation since that is the only one I know but I was just like everyone else, doing all the wrong things to get my spouse back, but after you realize there isn't anything you can do about getting the other person back you just start working on what you can do for yourself.

 

I feel that once you are separated that you start doing things for yourself, you don't have to worry about the other persons feelings anymore, you don't have to get permission to do anything, you just do what you want & it is easy, there is not that added pressure & you get to do whatever you want.

 

A marriage takes work & I wonder if sometimes people aren't welling to put that extra effort into there marriage. For some they have spent most of there lives raising there kids & now they feel it's there time & they want to go make up for lost time, others spend more time climbing up the corporate ladder & forget about the family & there spouse.

I'm in the middle of a trial separation which was brought about at my instance and while I'll be the first to admit that I am/was equally at fault in my marriage, I will also say that my W is/was equally responsible for the breakdown of our marriage until we've reached where we are now ..

Everyone thinks its the other person, you don't think you are doing anything wrong or at least I didn't think it was me, I saw it as my W fault even though she was the one that moved out, but once you stop & start looking at things different then hopefully you will see that it does take 100% from both sides to make a relationship work & if you are honest with yourself you will see that there are things you can improve on as well.

Even though my W says she is/was happy with me and would like to get back together, it's me who is wary of the prospect of another 10 years like the last 10 have been. I have to say that the ride hasn't been all her fault, perhaps just more tilted towards her from my point of view, or perhaps just that we've grown apart (my favorite explanation to myself) but I know it's so not true, and there's just too much hurt to re-visit. We also have a 6 yo son who has definitely been happier since my W and I are living apart, cause though he has to shuttle between us, at least we're not arguing and fighting like we used to be all the time.

I also felt like me & my W have grown apart because I am more outgoing then she is (I wasn't always that way) & I am more active then she is, but that doesn't mean that you grow apart, that just means you have different interests. That is when you have to look at each other & find those things that you do like to spend time together doing & make the point to do them more often. You also have to realize you are two different people & each of you also need your own time along with the time you spend together.

 

As for not wanting the next 10 years to be like the first is good because you don't want that. Once I started to get my head straight that was one of the things I had to look at. When me & my W started to speak & do things again after the separation the one thing I told her is that chapter in our life was closed & if we were to get back together then things would have to change because I was not going to be that old person again & if we got back together our marriage would not be like what we had before, it would be a new beginning.

 

I also learned more about myself, that I need to see my W as an equal & think my way isn't always the correct way or the right way. When it comes to a marriage it is a team effort & I feel a lot of people start making it a one sided situation & that makes the other person resentful. The other spouse starts to see they are giving up to much & that there thoughts & ideas aren't worth anything.

 

I also feel that many times the person that leaves finds someone else that is filling that emotional void even if they aren't sleeping with them, it could be as simple as talking, sharing there feelings & having someone else listen to them.

 

It could have been just as easy for me to stay separated even though my W was the one that started it, but I believe in what we said at our wedding, this isn't something that you do until you get tired of the other person or when things don't go like you want them to then you can bail, it is until death do us part, but that is just me.

 

I feel to many people take the easy road & would rather get divorced but I also feel that is running away from your own problems & not facing them & the same thing will happen in your next relationship as well.

 

Like I said this is how I look at it & I'm one of the few that did get back together with his W so maybe that isn't what you are looking for but it might be seeing it from a different angle then most that do end up divorced.

All points of view would be appreciated, I'm trying to get points on which I need to ponder ...

[Ladyjane14]

So, my question is, should the person at the giving end of the divorce relent and reconcile ? What should be the reasons ? ...

 

Well, I suppose it would all depend on an honest assessment of your true motives for requesting a "trial" separation.

There are alot of good reasons to reconcile a marriage when children are involved, emotional and financial security foremost among them. But, I think before you can get to the reasons for moving forward, it's perhaps best to review your REAL agenda for requesting separation. What was it that you hoped to accomplish?

 

If, for example, a person initiates separation because they have a recalcitrant partner who they just can't seem to 'get through to' any other way, and they're looking for a change in their partner's work ethic in order to address marital problems... then yeah, I'd say they owe their spouse a shot at reconciliation.

 

And if, for example, a person initiates separation as a method of sneaking up on their partner with divorce... I'd say the need to maybe do a better job of digging deep and finding the stones to say what they mean. That way, they're not needlessly torturing their spouse by yanking them around emotionally.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Thanks for the early morning replies PWSX3 and Ladyjane14.

 

PWSX3, I'm gonna be thinking about what you've said .. I'll just say this on the second reading of your reply, that I reached a point where the fear of change and of being alone and having to cope with that and of having wasted so many years on something that dint work and having to do it all over again (if at all), the fear of all that became less than the fear of continuing as we were and the fear of the worse things that were yet to come. (Hope that made sense, more later as I sort out more in my mind, it's the first time I'm talking about this to a forum, haven't really vented properly on this yet).

 

Lj14, I started out with divorce, but we need time to sort out finances and stuff and mainly our support systems (read immediate relatives) advised taking time before we took the final step. On second thought it seemed like a good idea to not take the step in the heat of the moment .. Since then I haven't had any serious thoughts about reconciliation, but my W and I spoke last week for longer than the usual few minutes about our son that we do, and she said she was willing to give this another chance. This also came about because of something that my over-stressed MIL said regarding the situation that created an impression to her that I wanted out right now, rather than waiting for the period as we'd agreed. I basically clarified that MIL had read something I hadn't said and though I clarified that I am not making any promises and I'm still looking at divorce, I also said I'm willing to give time to heal as I'd promised, and without any commitments about the future, we'll see how it goes.

 

What I was/am looking for is whether there are some reasons to get back together that I have not considered, or maybe things like I ought to have a bigger heart, so to speak. Not saying I *want* to get back together and looking for excuses, but just sorta whether I've given it the proper kind of thought. So far nothing seems to take me back that way, but I have to say that I am feeling better having broken up, and not worse off for it, the way my W said she felt. There has been a lot of abuse from both sides, and I don't understand how, after saying more than often that she has regretted marrying me, she can now feel bad about the separation and divorce, and if *she* can feel that way, whether I am doing something wrong by not feeling that way ?

 

I'm not really looking for vindication of my stand or actions, just trying to find out whether I'm doing enough so I can be certain that this is what I want and that it is the best for everyone involved, or whether I need to do a re-think (though I've thought about things more than once already, and still haven't changed my mind).

[tinke]

PWS..how long were you separated before reconciling? was there frequent contact?

[PWSX3]

PWS..how long were you separated before reconciling? was there frequent contact?

We were separated for eight months but the last month we spent a lot of time together. For the first month & a half we did not speak at all, NC, which was the wifes idea, she said she needed her space & wanted time to herself so to me that was the one thing I did to show her I wanted to work on our relationship. You can also read my story if you are interested, it is long.

 

Bobby, something that really got me thinking was when I was talking to my friend & he asked me; have you (Meaning me) done everything that you can do for this marriage?

 

I was so thankful to find LS because people hear really helped me see things that I just couldn't see, at first there were a few that were pretty tough on me but I took it as people trying to help me & it really did.

 

What I learned is there was many things I was doing that was not correct & I learned there were things "I" could change. When the W saw these changes (and yes they do pay attention even if you don't say anything) see could see I was serious & I think that is when she started to work on things she could do. Something else I have learned is people (me & my wife) change or do things at different speeds so it was hard for me at first to understand the w did/does things slower but we are getting there.

[Bobby NoBrains]

It could have been just as easy for me to stay separated even though my W was the one that started it, but I believe in what we said at our wedding, this isn't something that you do until you get tired of the other person or when things don't go like you want them to then you can bail, it is until death do us part, but that is just me.

 

I feel to many people take the easy road & would rather get divorced but I also feel that is running away from your own problems & not facing them & the same thing will happen in your next relationship as well.

 

Your above points are mostly what has been going through my head, as in am I really doing what's best ? Or am I giving up on something good because I'm not able to be more patient or more flexible or whatever. Yes, it has been 10 years, not all of it bad, just your usual mix (or maybe not so usual or I wouldn't be here), but yes it hasn't been good. I can unfortunately say that except for the time when my child was conceived and born, it's been primarily rocky where she has felt and said that I've not been a good husband, and I've also felt and said that she's not been a good wife. I *suppose* we both tried our best, but since it obviously wasn't good enough (so far) it just makes me think about whether we've really done our best .. I mean, isn't your best always supposed to succeed ? And if this hasn't succeeded, doesn't it mean that we haven't tried our best ?

 

My instinct tells me that this is the wrong way to think, and what has happened has happened for the best. However, there's a small nagging feeling about whether I'm doing the "right thing" and whether I can do better before it's over .. esp since she told me that she would like to try again. Before that I dint have so many conflicting thoughts. Maybe it means I still care for her, but I don't feel that's enough to get into that mess again :/ As you can make out I'm quite confused, heh :/

[Moving Forward]

We were separated for eight months but the last month we spent a lot of time together. For the first month & a half we did not speak at all, NC, which was the wifes idea, she said she needed her space & wanted time to herself so to me that was the one thing I did to show her I wanted to work on our relationship. You can also read my story if you are interested, it is long.

 

Bobby, something that really got me thinking was when I was talking to my friend & he asked me; have you (Meaning me) done everything that you can do for this marriage?

 

I was so thankful to find LS because people hear really helped me see things that I just couldn't see, at first there were a few that were pretty tough on me but I took it as people trying to help me & it really did.

 

What I learned is there was many things I was doing that was not correct & I learned there were things "I" could change. When the W saw these changes (and yes they do pay attention even if you don't say anything) see could see I was serious & I think that is when she started to work on things she could do. Something else I have learned is people (me & my wife) change or do things at different speeds so it was hard for me at first to understand the w did/does things slower but we are getting there.

 

 

Yours is the first story I have read here that has a happy ending.

I am going through a separation right now (only 2 1/2 weeks in) but we are still living, and plan to continue, in the same house.

 

I have just gotten to the stage that I have realized that I need to give her the time and space she needs and focus on what I want to change (and there is a lot). I am hoping that once those changes start to really take effect, she will see that I am not going to go back to being the old me and that the new me is someone she could see spending more time with.

 

I know that I can't make her change her mind (nor would I want to), but I am going to do everything I can to be a much better, nicer, happier person who has a great relationship with his children.

My wife and I have talked more since this started than we have in the last 6 months or so, so we are not on bad terms at all.

 

With time, and hope, and a lot of love on my part, I will continue to hope for a new beginning with my wife.

[PWSX3]

For both moving forward & bobby the one big thing I learned is it doesn't matter if we change for our spouse or if we change for our friends or if we change for the people we meet each day, but life is to short & we need to be happy no matter what.

 

I also feel when you are happy with yourself then it shines out to others & believe me your life is a lot easier.

 

Like I said I was so lucky to get some great advice from LS & the first thing I started to do is read books. Like the wise Gunny has told me; you can never get to smart.

 

There are some great books out there that really helped me understand what I could do but they also helped me understand what the other person might be thinking or going thru. Us guys see things a lot different then the gals do even though it is the same subject.

 

I read a great story that hit home with me because I'm a gear head. It talked about a guy & girl dating & after 3 months they were talking and she said; its been 3 months since we have been dating & was wondering how you feel about our relationship?

The first thing that popped into his head was; wow 3 months I need to get a oil change on my truck. Since he was thinking this he didn't reply right away so the gal thought maybe he didn't think it was going as well as she did. It goes on to talk about how his thoughts were about the oil change & hers were about the relationship not going as well as she thought even though he was so happy to meet her & be dating. It was funny & just helped me understand how different we really are so communication is very important I feel.

 

bobby, as for you changing how you live your life that is awesome, I can guarantee your kids will notice, your W will notice, & the people you are around each day will notice & most of all you will feel better about yourself.

 

I also started going to the gym for a couple of reasons, to take my mind off things, to get rid of some frustrations & hopefully to get in shape. What it did is helped me understand I was out of shape, I also lost 55 pounds, it was a good way to vent, & the best thing is it made me feel good about myself. You "HAVE" to feel good with yourself in order to feel & show that to others.......

 

I wish both of you the best of luck because it is what I call the hard road, when there are two people involved you have to make sacrifices & you don't always get your way, but sometimes when you give you receive more in return then you thought you would. For me I realized I was selfish in our relationship, I did everything for me even without knowing it, but now I try & work as a team with the wife.

[Moving Forward]

For both moving forward & bobby the one big thing I learned is it doesn't matter if we change for our spouse or if we change for our friends or if we change for the people we meet each day, but life is to short & we need to be happy no matter what.

 

I also feel when you are happy with yourself then it shines out to others & believe me your life is a lot easier.

 

 

I am changing for me ... as it turns out, the person I want to be is the person that could make my wife happy (she's pretty smart you know).

 

Quite frankly, I don't like much about myself and this was the catalyst I needed to change.

I haven't been a happy person for a long time and it has nothing to do with my wife or my marriage.

I need to change so that I can be a happier person, a better person, the sort of person that people like to be around (and hopefully that will include my wife).

 

Thanks very much for your story, your openness, your comments.

They are an inspiration.

 

And good luck to you!

[Bobby NoBrains]

Thanks for the upbeat post PWSX3 .. And how did you guess I am looking at making changes in my life, because I dint say that anywhere, but it's true. I've been reading a self-help book, have been doing some serious re-thinking about my attitudes to life and work and relationships, etc ... the whole shebang. Or at least I hope I'm gonna follow-through with this :/ I really do need some changes to become a happier and healthier person :/

 

Though I've already lost a bit of weight from all the stress over the last 18 months, I myself have been thinking about joining up to a gym for "body-sculpting" or whatever it's called, mainly to improve my self-image, and to become healthier. I've even been thinking up studying again (nothing definite, just something to improve my skills I guess), but basically looking at changing all the stagnation that has crept up in the last few years :/

 

I wonder if anyone realizes how much stress the "divorce-giver" goes through. I like to think I'm not a very bad person for wanting a way out of the hurt and anger and stuff, but there isn't that much in terms of posts at LS along my lines, as most people are on the receiving end unfortunately :/ Not that I'd be happier if they were on the giving end, I mean, why would I want anyone's relationship to break up, when I know how bad mine feels, even though I'm at the other end so to speak :/

 

Anyways, enough rambling ..

 

Bobby

[Psch1968]

Bobby - what is your W doing 'now' with respect working towards R? Your doubts are clear and understandable - I am on the receiving end and I can see in my W the thoughts you are going through. What may be different is what your W is doing, and perhaps we can help provide some insight based on our experiences, with respect whether she is genuine and whether perhaps you should reconsider?

[Bobby NoBrains]

Bobby - what is your W doing 'now' with respect working towards R? Your doubts are clear and understandable - I am on the receiving end and I can see in my W the thoughts you are going through. What may be different is what your W is doing, and perhaps we can help provide some insight based on our experiences, with respect whether she is genuine and whether perhaps you should reconsider?

 

 

Well, so far she's refused to continue with MC, or even IC, saying she doesn't need a conuseler to tell her stuff she can realize for herself .. We were both prescribed anti-anxiety medication to control our rage at the situation and to be able to sleep, but she seems to not have the need for it (tbh, she's cooled down a huge lot since we separated). I've been needing it tho, cause I haven't been sleeping too well.

 

She's been working on getting a job, which I got from what she's talked about in family get-togethers .. Other than that, she feels she's done a bit of thinking about the situation and realizes there have been mistakes made on her side also, but that I also should confess up to not being perfect. I've been quite frank that I've made my share of the mistakes, but there just seemed to be nothing coming back from her in terms of working to make it better, and I'm not sure if I am interested to go back to square one.

 

Anyway, she feels that since we've both had three months, it's enough time to have had a good look at things and we should move in together again and try to make it work again. And I'm thinking is it enough, is all the resentment gone so *maybe* there could be a fresh attempt ? Or do I even *want* a fresh attempt, or am I better how I am ?

 

There's prolly been more work from her side that I don't know about, she's moved in with her parents, I'm in our place with my son and my mom / babysitter helps with our son, and she pops over when she can and has him over weekends, which may or may not change if she gets a job, I dunno ..

 

We're both civil to each other when we talk, but that spark is just gone, I have to be honest :/ And I don't see it coming back anytime soon So wouldn't I be just fooling her by agreeing to moving in immediately ? Or even saying that I'm willing to attempt reconciliation when I know inside me that I'm not ready for that yet ? I just don't understand how she can be ready for it already, when I can obviously see that being away from me has taken away most of her anger and she is so much more calm and seems happier now :/ Why would she wanna go back to the same old stuff ? Cause there's definitely no guarantees of there being any new stuff as I can see right now :/ I don't think I'm ready for it yet, hmm ..

[Bobby NoBrains]

Nothing new happening except I went on a short holiday to meet up an old friend and his family who live one hundred miles away ... Did me some good to take a break from the same old grind.

 

I guess no news is good news, wth.