upset. as per usual.

[finalf30]

i've posted a few times before about my long distance boyfriend cheating on me once while i was away, after 8 months of the long distance, 8 months of everything being great aside from the distance!

 

so long story short we broke up for a little over a month with basically no contact - i say basically because i still checked up on him through friends and the internet, both saying he was miserable but not in a huge FEEL SORRY FOR ME way, really. just enough to know he wasn't the same without me.

 

i've learned to forgive the incident somehow. i think it was a huge step in the relationship AND in my life to do so, to build the trust back completely (which i did! honestly.) since i really believed it would never happen again. it happened while he was drinking, while i was away at school, with a girl who has a boyfriend and the two don't even like each other - they completely cut off contact with each other after the incident. it was the worst situation but i could see the bright side.

 

so it's been 2.5 months since we've been back together and let me tell you, everything is phenomenal. could not be better; we've been open with each other, no reservations, it just FEELS right. except. a week ago i found 2 texts to a girl discussing some really vile things. i was so hurt. but included in the second text was "because i have a girlfriend. but yeah it would be great. i gotta go". i know the root of this can be - why did you check his phone if everything was going well? and essentially, you're right, i shouldn't have. i now regret doing that VERY MUCH SO. but when i check his phone, which is SO rarely, it's not to find something like this, it's to feel reassured. i still get afraid from time to time that this is too good to be true and if he has nothing to hide then it shouldnt be a big deal that i do this. i never did it before. and i'm sure once the fear subsides i'll stop...it's not even often that i do this. anyway, the next part of the problem is.....how can you make a fool of me and say explicit things to another girl, after i've made the huge step of forgiving you for something so huge??? the entire discussion consisted of me ranting on and on (as usual) and him just sitting there with his head down. it always appears as though the motors are turning in his head but he never has a substantial amount of things to say to me. he wants to, you can see it, and just knowing him -- he never says the right thing. whenever we argue he says it's hard because it's hard to argue a point that you dont have. he didnt know why he said that to the girl. he said he would NEVER physically do anything with her, not after what happened between us, and he even told her he had a girlfriend. later on he explained the story further, saying that she'd texted him once before and he talked to her but she was weird (like the type of girl who would enjoy those kinds of gross texts) so he stopped. and then this incident came where she began texting him and he happened to respond. and he said that earlier in the conversation, what i "didnt see", was that he was saying "no i have a girlfriend" over and over but she wouldnt take that as a response, so he said what she wanted to hear, ended it with "but i just cant" and said he had to go. and i did see that text.

 

i just dont want to be played. i trust him, i want to be with him, but i dont want to live in fear that now he could be lying to me? do you know what i mean? i just need advice from people who've forgiven cheaters and maybe gone through something like this. it's so difficult. i don't know what to do.

[norajane]

it always appears as though the motors are turning in his head but he never has a substantial amount of things to say to me. he wants to, you can see it, and just knowing him -- he never says the right thing. whenever we argue he says it's hard because it's hard to argue a point that you dont have.

 

Look, he's not going to come right out and tell you he ENJOYS flirting with other girls, and he likes exchanging dirty texts with them because it's fun and it gets him hot. He's never going to come out and tell you that because he doesn't want to make you mad, and he apparently doesn't want your relationship to end.

 

Only you can judge whether he's likely to take the next step and turn those dirty texts into action. If he did it once before, you know he's capable of it. You know he's capable of being out drinking and hooking up with someone because he feels lonely or wants some sex or whatever. Maybe he learned something from that experience, but if he's putting himself in a situation where he's texting with another girl, it doesn't sound like he learned much about being faithful.

 

You say that YOU have rebuilt the trust again, but really, it's not up to you to do that. It's up to him to rebuild the trust by BEING TRUSTWORTHY. He has to show you through his actions that you should trust him - and he's showing that he IS NOT trustworthy.